Is it okay to punch walls out of anger?

[LucyLou96]

Is punching walls, throwing objects and breaking things out of anger at games or other issues e.g phone or laptop not working, can't make the lego figurine right as it's so fiddly so throws the entire thing at a wall smashing it to pieces, made the scrambled eggs slightly wrong so throws the entire batch away out of anger etc etc acceptable? I know it's wrong and needs to be addressed and my OH has finally accepted he needs to do an anger management course after years of saying "I can't help it, I can't control it, it's who I am take it or leave it" etc. But when I was talking to OH's father in private about how he has finally accepted he needs to learn to control his anger better, his father said to me actually him punching walls etc is a good thing as it shows my OH knows how to deflect his anger away from people and would never hurt a person, "he would never hurt you" only objects. I couldnt believe I was hearing that. And now I can't help but wonder if my OH's parents have made my OH think it's okay to behave like that as they didn't tell him off for it growing up. They made him think it's okay. I don't know how to explain to them all that no this is exactly how some domestic abuse situations start

Punching walls and throwing items is aggressive and threatening. And controlling. He might as well be yelling at you "I could have fucking punched you, but this time I only hit the wall!"

Being angry and frustrated occasionally is normal. Punching walls is not. Think of it this way, if punching walls in a fit of anger was normal every household would have holes in their walls.

Completely unacceptable, and often where it all starts.

Does he do this at work or is it only in the home

It sounds like you have children with him?

You know it’s not okay. It’s very fucking not okay. It’s also a horrific environment for a child to grow up in. You need to report his aggression and violence and leave him.

My ex used to behave like this, I didn’t have kids with him and left him.

Who cares what his parents think?! You’re not safe. Your children are not safe. You can’t be together. You need to report him to the police so he doesn’t get unsupervised contact with your children.

It is not acceptable and I'd be leaving tbh. I wouldn't stand for having my house wrecked around me because a grown man is having a temper tantrum.

No. My mum is a spoilt brat and would break me and my dad's things over nothing. Awful woman.

I don’t understand your post. You already clearly articulate that you know this is not ok. What are you really wanting to discuss in this thread?

Yeah I had an ex that did that. Not marriage material. Binned him and married a calm intelligent man who has so far managed not to punch a wall 🙄 or indeed anything else in 20 years of marriage so good call.

Same. It’s also awfully cringeworthy.

It's not ok at all! It's frightening, intimidating and unhinged...how can you feel safe and trust a person who blows up like that over such trivial things?
His father is wearing his daddy blinkers...or maybe he's like that as well. Crap advice, stupid man.

No, that's not OK. You know that already, though.

You know its not normal and it's not acceptable.
How old is he and how long are you together? Do you have children?

As for the in-laws, they are invested in thinking this is ok and you probably can’t change their mind. Nor is that your task or focus.

Your decision is whether you want to hang around to find out whether he can can change, how long you want to wait to find this out, what ‘ ‘success’ will look like ( how ‘unangry’ ’ does he have to become, what signs of anger are acceptable to you) and whether you want to stay in the relationship and risk him reverting back, whether you want to have children with him and risk the ongoing stress and strain of that causing him to revert to this behaviour ( do not underestimate the stress of the demands of kids and working - it’s relentless. Very trying for those with problems with patience and poor emotional regulation).

No

Some things can be extremely frustrating. I broke something in anger a few years ago - but it was already broken (which is why I was so angry) and nobody else was in the room. I don’t hit anyone ever. Nobody was harmed by my incident, nobody witnessed it. So I think it was ok. I don’t think it’s ok to break stuff that is expensive (phone, laptop etc) or to frighten another person whilst breaking something. It’s also not ok to throw plates which can make shards of china on the floor etc or damage walls/doors/other parts of the house. Fil has half a point I suppose, in that oh isn’t hurting another person physically - but he is frightening and upsetting them. Me and dh were struggling with a very frustrating TV issue last night and I said to him that I’d like to throw the remote at it. Obviously I wouldn’t have done it, and I didn’t say it in a rage.

i don’t think the urge to throw/break stuff out of frustration is particularly abnormal, but it does need to be controlled. He could probably control it if he understood that it was very upsetting / frightening to you/kids.

there are these places that dh read about where you can go to take anger out - you can literally break anything that’s there. I imagine the items are already non functional or old. But it demonstrates the normality of wanting to break stuff.

Does he throw and punch things at work? In his parents' house? In front of friends?
If not, he doesn't have an anger management problem, he has an anger indulgence habit which is essentially abusive.

Of course it's not acceptable, I don't know anyone who would think it was .

It's widely believed that punching inanimate objects is a reasonable way to deal with anger, and it's promoted as such in popular culture, so even though I don't think any MH professionals would agree, it's understandable that your DFIL might think that. I wouldn't necessarily think it's a message your husband has learned from his family. Either way, it doesn't really matter where the behaviour comes from.

It becomes a more serious problem when you experience it as a form of intimidation, and even worse if he positively intends it as a "warning".

Really it should be never, but I’d say someone can do something to an object in frustration once every 10-20 years without it raising a red flag.

No it's not reasonable. He says you can take it or leave it? I'd leave it.

You don't need to spend your energy explaining to your OH's father that punching and throwing things around the house in the presence of others isn't acceptable. Don't waste your breath.

It doesn't matter why he does it, not your puzzle to solve.

You would be reasonable to draw some boundaries, such as,

I am very uncomfortable with you punching things/throwing things in anger around the house. It makes me feel scared/upset/frightened. If you are unable to control yourself, and it continues to happen then I will move out and our relationship will reach an end.

Or whatever you feel you need to happen, and then follow through.

I find it hugely attractive. Tell us more about this ogre.

No of course it's not ok. I would tolerate it if it happened once in five years in a really difficult situation, eg received some terrible news. But this sounds like it's your DHs standard way of behaving when he gets frustrated. Noone should get angry about Lego.

YABU.

When I was 11 I went to my Aunts and Uncles for Christmas. Opened my present from them, it was a Lego set I’d already got for my birthday a few weeks before. I re-made the Wild West Bank Scene but truly it ruined Christmas. I behaved awfully. Didn’t punch any walls though.

Does he do it when he is angry at work?

I guess not or he would be sacked for being unable to control his temper, for frightening and intimidating others and criminal damage.

so he makes a point of doing it in a family home - this is eggshell behaviour / how do you live like that - not knowing when the rage is coming.

I genuinely read your post and thought you might be referring to a small toddler - I began getting worried the further I got for you.