Is it okay to punch walls out of anger?

[LucyLou96]

Is punching walls, throwing objects and breaking things out of anger at games or other issues e.g phone or laptop not working, can't make the lego figurine right as it's so fiddly so throws the entire thing at a wall smashing it to pieces, made the scrambled eggs slightly wrong so throws the entire batch away out of anger etc etc acceptable? I know it's wrong and needs to be addressed and my OH has finally accepted he needs to do an anger management course after years of saying "I can't help it, I can't control it, it's who I am take it or leave it" etc. But when I was talking to OH's father in private about how he has finally accepted he needs to learn to control his anger better, his father said to me actually him punching walls etc is a good thing as it shows my OH knows how to deflect his anger away from people and would never hurt a person, "he would never hurt you" only objects. I couldnt believe I was hearing that. And now I can't help but wonder if my OH's parents have made my OH think it's okay to behave like that as they didn't tell him off for it growing up. They made him think it's okay. I don't know how to explain to them all that no this is exactly how some domestic abuse situations start

If the world was divided into evil monsters who are abusive, on one hand, and nice people, on the other, then everyone would simply avoid the monsters, wouldn't they?

People can change but in practice rarely do make substantial and sustained changes.

Those who do make changes have extremely high levels of intrinsic motivation to do so.

Is this your partner? Because it sounds like you have been doing a lot of persuading and cajoling for a long time. If that is the reason he is seeking help, I would not be hopeful. , I know from experience those persuaded by others to get help, are not helped by the support they seek. Those who have decided for themselves they need help are in the cohort who may have some success.

It’s absolutely not normal. He needs help but I’d be cautious about a future with him even if he gets it.

Of course it's not acceptable. Sounds like he's learned aggressive behaviour from his father, if father thinks it's OK and better than hitting a person! I'd give him an ultimatum to get support for his anger problem, with a time limit. After which, any sign of physical aggression, then time to throw him out! Throwing things around, punching things is simply NOT acceptable in any way, shape or form and not justifiable for ANY reason at all, however serious!

“there are these places that dh read about where you can go to take anger out - you can literally break anything that’s there. I imagine the items are already non functional or old. But it demonstrates the normality of wanting to break stuff.”

Wanting to break stuff really isn’t normal.

Unacceptable behaviour!

Years ago I had a boyfriend who was a close male platonic boyfriend. He told me when he was with his girlfriend who lived with him he punched the wall in anger. He was generally a lovely man so I looked past that. Fast forward a few years to when we started dating and one day in a row he plunged a sharp knife really hard and suddenly into a wooden breadboard when we were having an argument. I found that out of order.

In my case my boyfriend had been my best friend for years. I’d never seen bad behaviour from him but he warned me he had a dark and evil side.it showed far more when we dated for a brief period.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship whilst I was friends with this man, no physical abuse though.

As far as I know now re my platonic friend, he’s married to a much younger women (he always liked them as he could control them) and I have no contact with him - he got back in touch but I didn’t want contact!

Just read this and it makes me really sad. You are just one of a huge cohort of women who think ‘it’s be great, if only this bit of him would change. I can help him get what he needs to do that! If only I can find the right words, he will understand and it will all be ok!’ ( in your case the latter is about the in-laws).

These women waste their years in hope and frustration and pain.

in your case, you are trying to effect change in a whole family! Think objectively. Do you honestly think this is going to happen.

It’s been six years. Six years and he has only got worse. You are holding onto tiny slithers to keep going.

Any woman who says, ‘it’s great except for this not’ is in a bad relationship. Good relationships are not those where it’s great if nothing is going wrong between you. Great relationships are based on how well you both handle it when things are going badly. And yours has punched and smashed and stressed.

It will get worse if you had kids. The cracks always widen after kids and you will have a man utterly unable to cope.

Outsiders can see there are no signs of hope here. You need to take off your Hollywood rose tinted glasses of being the supportive woman who stands by her man and saves him. You can’t.

It’s a red flag. It’s still violence, even if it isn’t aimed at you.

You don’t have children at the moment. I hope you aren’t planning on having any with him. Children put lots of extra stress on a relationship and it doesn’t sound like he can cope with the stresses of everyday life as it is. Pregnancy can actually be a trigger for domestic violence.

there are these places that dh read about where you can go to take anger out - you can literally break anything that’s there. I imagine the items are already non functional or old. But it demonstrates the normality of wanting to break stuff.
Don't know if they are still a thing, but at fêtes there used to be a "crockery smash" stall where you'd pay to throw a hard ball and smash old plates for fun.
You'd do it with your family, enjoying the chance to do something "naughty" and the challenge of hitting an intact plate. Everyone was laughing and having fun. This controlled, fun setting was nothing like someone being in such a rage that they damaged something they did not want to break.

Some people can change, the key thing being if they really want to, and they're internally motivated. You can't help someone into this state.

You have spent six years choosing to be in a relationship with a man who is incapable or unwilling, who cares which, of controlling his anger physcally and verbally.

Stop thinking of him as a cursed monster, that only your love and eternal tolerance will save, this is your ego. You need to feel like his saviour for some reason, spend your time and energy looking into that rather than why he is why he is, and psychoanalysing his childhood. Work out why you are happy to choose to spend your one precious life on this miserable dead end project, so you don't repeat it with the next fixer upper manshape that comes your way looking for your benevolence and healing love.

I'm sorry to break it to you my love, but you're not special, you don't have the magic touch, you can't "understand" him into being a better partner. You're no different to any of the other women on here who are absolutely baffled that they seem to have had children and are tethered forever to a mentally and emotionally deficient lump.

They don't change. He's got no motivation to change, if every time he loses his shit about a peice of Lego and throws a plate at the wall you're still there. If you don't think you're in an abusive relationship, then what is going on?

His parents may not have modelled healthy emotional regulation to him but that is NOT YOUR JOB, nor is it your burden to carry, your shit to deal with. End it, there is a life full of joy and peace and happiness and fun and love out there with your name on it, it doesn't need to be like this.

I’m sorry OP but it’s so ridiculously naive to say ‘he’s not a monster’ 😱 when faced with posters telling you his behaviour is abusive. It is abusive behaviour and it’s very likely to escalate. Abusive men are often also charming and funny and sweet and handsome and good in bed and everything else you could possibly want… but they’re still abusive.

Also how utterly pathetic that he’s losing his head over scrambled egg and Lego for goodness sake.

Hitting the wall instead of a person is preferable in the way that shitting on the floor is preferable to shitting in someone's bed.

And this is absolutely not someone to have kids with.

If he's like this now, what would he be like:

• with less sleep
• when you give most of your attention to someone else (baby)
• when there's mess and crying
• when money is tighter
• when a small person is adding to stress by being messy/poking you in the eye/throwing bricks at your head
• when he feels like you've got no option but to stay with him

Everyone likes a project, but trying to fix another human isn't a good one unless you're getting paid for it.

BTW Having his child won't fix him either. Even if he suggests it. Even if he really insists on it. Even if he, his dad, his mum, and the family dog all tell you to do it.

A man who is aggressive like this will transmit that to you with you being so scared eventually that you will be a shell of yourself.

Invest in yourself and ditch him. Whatever you do it will make not a whit of difference, and his parents are the same. The apple does not fall far from the tree. His mother is YOU if you have children.

The best way anyone could have put it.

OP, from the one fact we know about your partner, we can all tell he's scum. Don't be dim, stop trying to excuse his behaviour. He should have some form of impulse control as an adult. You should have some awareness of appropriate behaviour as an adult as well.

I think I will give him an ultimatum of significantly improving over the next few months or I'm gone. His angry outbursts only happen once every few weeks or so, but obviously when they do happen they're intense. But if he gets that angry again and doesn't try to resolve it in a healthy way by going to cool off or going for a walk then I'll leave. This isn't someone I want to give up on yet, as I've said he's stuck by me when I myself have done things that deserve being left over

While you're carrying out this experiment in unnecessary tolerance and hopeless optimism, do not get pregnant. Under any circumstances. That will be your lifetime membership to The Angry Man Show. And you'll get fuck all from his parents in terms of solidarity, and no sympathy from anyone else because you can see it coming from here.

Choose yourself OP. He won't.

I think I will give him an ultimatum of significantly improving over the next few months or I'm gone.
Make sure that you are prepared to act on this before you say it. Set things up so that you just have to set the ball rolling, so you are not tempted to give him one more chance because it's easier.

If you do leave, that is not giving up on him. It's setting boundaries that should have been set long ago. It could be the one lesson that turns his life around. But it will take a long time for him to work it out in his head, to seek medical help, and to go through counselling. Which might work or might not. Don't bank on getting back together with him later. It might not be a good thing for him to be back in an old relationship where his behaviours were accepted. A fresh start could put you both at less risk of relapse.

Your choice OP. I'm sure you'll be back posting about DV when you have kids with this man.

You know what will happen with your ultimatum? He'll 'improve' until he thinks you've 'forgotten about it' then it will all kick off again.

So if you give the ultimatum you need to mean it forever. And you leave the very next time it happens, whether tomorrow or in 10 years' time.

He's had 6 years to change - how motivated to change do you think he is? you've already pointed out he controls it around others - so he's been doing it around you because he wants to.

Lundy Bancroft woyld point out you are already experiencing domestic violence, because the things he does are acts of violence.

Personal change is HUGELY difficult - and he has no motivation to change.

Both of you need to change tbh - it's no virtue to stay with someone who acts in inexcusable ways (it both condones and enables the behaviour), yet apparently you are both doing it.

Every few weeks, how frightening. If you have been doing equally horrible things just as often then it can only be codependence keeping you together.

Perhaps it is co-dependance, we've been through a lot together that others would probably have left their partner over. We need couple's therapy and he has more motivation to change now as his mental health plummeted and he's at risk of losing his job if he doesn't improve. We don't have plans to have children