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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it okay to punch walls out of anger?

190 replies

LucyLou96 · 11/06/2023 19:57

Is punching walls, throwing objects and breaking things out of anger at games or other issues e.g phone or laptop not working, can't make the lego figurine right as it's so fiddly so throws the entire thing at a wall smashing it to pieces, made the scrambled eggs slightly wrong so throws the entire batch away out of anger etc etc acceptable? I know it's wrong and needs to be addressed and my OH has finally accepted he needs to do an anger management course after years of saying "I can't help it, I can't control it, it's who I am take it or leave it" etc. But when I was talking to OH's father in private about how he has finally accepted he needs to learn to control his anger better, his father said to me actually him punching walls etc is a good thing as it shows my OH knows how to deflect his anger away from people and would never hurt a person, "he would never hurt you" only objects. I couldnt believe I was hearing that. And now I can't help but wonder if my OH's parents have made my OH think it's okay to behave like that as they didn't tell him off for it growing up. They made him think it's okay. I don't know how to explain to them all that no this is exactly how some domestic abuse situations start

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 11/06/2023 22:17

Late twenties, no kids, you wouldn't see me for dust.

You are not his rehab

This is spot on.

He doesn't do it at work and tones it down around other people. Like a PP said, this isn't an anger problem. It's a man who chooses to ensure his female romantic partner knows he has a temper.

ConstitutionHill · 11/06/2023 22:32

You don't have kids, thank god and get the hell out now.

He sends you stressy texts when he's upset at work, he manages NOT to scream and punch walls there though doesn't he? So he's just reserving all the crap histrionics for you at home.

Take it or leave it? I'd leave him.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 11/06/2023 23:06

Bananalanacake · 11/06/2023 20:01

Does he do this at work or is it only in the home

If he only does it at home, then he's perfectly capable of managing his anger.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 11/06/2023 23:08

You can't fix him so don't even try
Why do you think you need to talk to his family about him?
You're so young, so leave and give yourself chance to find someone who'll treat you well

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 11/06/2023 23:12

Leave him.

You are not his support human. You are not responsible for his parents raising him badly. You are not his parent. You are not his therapist. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

It's likely to get worse and he probably will eventually turn on you. Would you trust him around your children, if and when you have them? I wouldn't.

readbooksdrinktea · 11/06/2023 23:16

We've been together 6 years and don't have children, both in our late 20s.

Get the fuck away before he throws you against a wall. You're wasting your life on a man with serious issues. Don't do that to yourself.

BlastedPimples · 11/06/2023 23:21

It only ever gets worse.....

Twillow · 11/06/2023 23:30

pictoosh · 11/06/2023 20:16

Does he throw and punch things at work? In his parents' house? In front of friends?
If not, he doesn't have an anger management problem, he has an anger indulgence habit which is essentially abusive.

100%

DameEdna1 · 11/06/2023 23:33

No it's not reasonable behaviour- and the fact your FIL says it's reasonable shows he hasn't stopped to think for a second how it feels to be a woman (or child!) witnessing a grown man punching objects. At the very least it's a horrible shock and unsettling, but I think it's threatening.

Twillow · 11/06/2023 23:33

Imagine how terrifying this would be for a child. If you can't imagine it, let me tell you that my children are sadly but undeniably damaged by it even as adults. Please don't stay if you want children

TheHandmaiden · 11/06/2023 23:34

No.

Punch the wall, could punch you.

That's reddest of flags.

Dbank · 11/06/2023 23:34

Okay if you're 12, passed that age you should have developed the "life skills" to cope. I think you know what comes next...

DameEdna1 · 11/06/2023 23:37

Ponderingwindow · 11/06/2023 20:20

Really it should be never, but I’d say someone can do something to an object in frustration once every 10-20 years without it raising a red flag.

I can see this, I think it depends on the scale of force used too. My DH once threw a bottle of conditioner to the floor (that he happened to have in his hand, not picked up for the purpose) in anger because he stubbed his toe and it was particularly painful. It was a stupid thing to do, and he had to rinse it out of the carpet, but it wasn't something he was in the habit of doing and it was certainly not scary. I'd feel completely differently if he'd decided to punch a wall or kick the coffee table really hard.

WtP · 11/06/2023 23:37

OK so I punched a dent into the outside of our bedroom door!
Context was my late wife was hiding things from medical people that could have made our life so much better.
I was her primary carer and had to do pretty much everything for both of us to live.
But she chose to gloss over stuff that could of given both of us a much better life if it was recorded, I don't blame her as MS took her mental capacity away so the outside of the door got the brunt of my frustration.
I even wrote in Sharpie next to the dent "this is why not" Nearly 4 years after her death from complications from her MS I still hate myself for the dent in the door.
Please tell me I was wrong!

Original poster
LucyLou96 · 11/06/2023 23:38

I don't want to fix him myself, I want him to put the effort in to fix himself. But I want to help him through whatever shit is going on in his head. I was talking to his family as he doesn't have many friends and I didn't know who to turn to. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him as apart from those moments the good times we have are really good, which is why I want to help him and he has been there for me during some very low times. But I agree with others it seems he's taking advantage of being able to behave that way in front of me but tones it down in front of others. It's like he has one personality for me andna slightly different one for others. I wanted his parents to see that his behaviour is wrong so I didn't feel as alone in calling him out on it, but maybe his entire family is messed up. FIL minimises it and MIL doesn't even comment on it, makes me wonder if his dad has behaved this way in front of his mum and it's normal for them all

OP posts:
Ilovetea42 · 11/06/2023 23:42

Punching or damaging property in close vicinity to you can still be classed as assault. I mean on an incredibly basic level yes better punch a wall than a person but how low is that bar set for self management and emotional regulation.

Clearly his dad hasn't been modelling good emotional control either. This would be an absolute hard line for me and if he didn't get it under control and make active changes then id be ending the relationship. This absolutely constitutes abuse.

TheHandmaiden · 11/06/2023 23:42

You are likely wasting your time.

A man who punches walls, smashes objects or damages things in the home is being violent.

There are many nice men without these problems who have self control and kindness.

Or be the emotional punching bag and hope the walls hold up.

Better, undamaged men will make your life a good one.

TheHandmaiden · 11/06/2023 23:43

Ah you have the street angel and the house devil. Beware a man with those two sides. A man who punches walls in the home but is sweet in the street is no good.

Maddy70 · 11/06/2023 23:48

Well.....it's better than hitting people but shows lack of control ...

JadeandGreen · 11/06/2023 23:49

I lived like this for 15 years. We've been apart many, many years now, but in my experience it fundamentally changes you as a person. Please leave this man, he will not change, no matter how much you want him to. Flowers

WtP · 11/06/2023 23:57

I'm not sure anyone has read my answer just before the OP's reply?
I cared for my late wife for 10 years, we laughed & cried in equal measures but every so often things fell apart.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 11/06/2023 23:58

LucyLou96 · 11/06/2023 23:38

I don't want to fix him myself, I want him to put the effort in to fix himself. But I want to help him through whatever shit is going on in his head. I was talking to his family as he doesn't have many friends and I didn't know who to turn to. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him as apart from those moments the good times we have are really good, which is why I want to help him and he has been there for me during some very low times. But I agree with others it seems he's taking advantage of being able to behave that way in front of me but tones it down in front of others. It's like he has one personality for me andna slightly different one for others. I wanted his parents to see that his behaviour is wrong so I didn't feel as alone in calling him out on it, but maybe his entire family is messed up. FIL minimises it and MIL doesn't even comment on it, makes me wonder if his dad has behaved this way in front of his mum and it's normal for them all

  • 1. Leave.
  • 2. Read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.
  • 3. Do the Freedom Programme.
Abusive men are really good at having a public image that differs from how they behave at home. "He has one personality for me and a slightly different one for others" is how you see the public image differing from the real him. It's how abusers maintain an image of being the kind of guy who'd never hurt his wife so that no one will believe you when he does.

In an abusive relationship, there's always good times as well. If he was horrible all the time, you'd leave. So he alternates punishment and reward, he will "love bomb" you after abusive episodes.

Do not get pregnant with this man because that's when he's most likely to hit you for the first time.

Do not mistake your life for Beauty And The Beast. The Beast changed because he wanted to be a better person for Belle and his servants taught him how, and only then did Belle fall for him. Your "D"P does not have a retinue of talking clocks, teapots, and candlesticks to give him life coaching, and even if he did, he doesn't want to change.

Stop wasting your time. Stop putting yourself at risk. Leave.

EyelessArseFace · 11/06/2023 23:59

LucyLou96 · 11/06/2023 23:38

I don't want to fix him myself, I want him to put the effort in to fix himself. But I want to help him through whatever shit is going on in his head. I was talking to his family as he doesn't have many friends and I didn't know who to turn to. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him as apart from those moments the good times we have are really good, which is why I want to help him and he has been there for me during some very low times. But I agree with others it seems he's taking advantage of being able to behave that way in front of me but tones it down in front of others. It's like he has one personality for me andna slightly different one for others. I wanted his parents to see that his behaviour is wrong so I didn't feel as alone in calling him out on it, but maybe his entire family is messed up. FIL minimises it and MIL doesn't even comment on it, makes me wonder if his dad has behaved this way in front of his mum and it's normal for them all

My ex was aggressive, and would smash things, punch walls, the lot. Eventually, he started on me as well. Please take my word for it - you cannot get him to change. You cannot get him to want to fix himself. All you can do is to leave this disaster of a relationship.

Please don't tolerate this behaviour any longer, and don't bother trying to get his parents to understand.

fumigation · 12/06/2023 00:07

I had a housemate years ago who did this. When the red mist descended (usually over something really minor), he'd throw whatever he could get his hands on. I saw him punch a hole in a plasterboard wall, break glasses, plates until finally he lost the plot with another friend on a night out. He shoved this guy up against a wall and had his hand on his throat. We were all yelling at him to let the bloke go and eventually he did. It was a natural escalation of his rage because I guess throwing a mug no longer gave him the same satisfaction.

Weirdly his mother came to visit one time and she laughed about how they still had holes/dents in some of their walls from where their delightful son kicked them in as a toddler and later as a teenager. So in short, now he was an adult he was just a man baby who'd always had tantrums and no one had ever told him he couldn't do that.

I've long lost touch with him (thankfully) but I hear (unconfirmed) that he was aggressive and violent toward his wife. It wouldn't surprise me if that was true.

loopyloutoo · 12/06/2023 00:14

I had a partner like this. It ended at age 27 with no kids. I can see he now has three kids and is married - I often wonder if he has hit her by now. My guess is yes. The walls and the chest of drawers got it in my time, not me. But I knew it was coming!

Doesn't matter though - the emotional scars were enough to damage and now I am a mum myself, I am so glad I got out before I subjected anyone else to that anger too. Please leave him and give yourself a chance at a happy life free of aggression. It is absolutely not normal.