Is it okay to punch walls out of anger?

[LucyLou96]

Is punching walls, throwing objects and breaking things out of anger at games or other issues e.g phone or laptop not working, can't make the lego figurine right as it's so fiddly so throws the entire thing at a wall smashing it to pieces, made the scrambled eggs slightly wrong so throws the entire batch away out of anger etc etc acceptable? I know it's wrong and needs to be addressed and my OH has finally accepted he needs to do an anger management course after years of saying "I can't help it, I can't control it, it's who I am take it or leave it" etc. But when I was talking to OH's father in private about how he has finally accepted he needs to learn to control his anger better, his father said to me actually him punching walls etc is a good thing as it shows my OH knows how to deflect his anger away from people and would never hurt a person, "he would never hurt you" only objects. I couldnt believe I was hearing that. And now I can't help but wonder if my OH's parents have made my OH think it's okay to behave like that as they didn't tell him off for it growing up. They made him think it's okay. I don't know how to explain to them all that no this is exactly how some domestic abuse situations start

OP - you could be talking about my DH and his parents. DH had a a lot of anger issues and would explode. Never violent of physical towards people, but very intimidating and unpleasant - throwing things etc. And it wasn't just to me - he was famous for it in his friendship group and had had a few (less bad) situations at work.

Over time, I came to realise that his parents had absolutely NOT made any effort to channel or prevent these outbursts. They told the "funny" story about how he once had a John-McEnroe-style temper tantrum while playing tennis on holiday... so they had to buy him a new tennis racket. He was also the golden child - could do no wrong and was indulged and allowed to do whatever he liked, whenever he liked. On one occasion, he was being a complete ass and had something 100% wrong and his mother, who was there, told me that yes, he's being ridiculous but I should let it go as it's "easier".

We were engaged because of course, these incidents weren't constant. But there had been a couple and then he went absolutely ballistic over something completely stupid and nearly hurt an innocent bystander as a result. And I realised that this had to be a deal breaker. I left the house and told him I wasn't coming back and we weren't getting married if he didn't get on top of this.

He had a lot of therapy and support and he did the work. And it wasn't easy. And it took time. But he DID it. Needless to say, a LOT of his issues were to do with his family and the way things had been when he was growing up.....

You absolutely do have to give him the ultimatum and you absolutely do have to stick with it. The only way he will change is if he sees how important it is and is willing to put in the effort.

PS I strongly suspect that he was, in effect, borderline (or properly) abusive in previous relationships. Using his anger to get what he wanted. Not because he was some manipulative bastard, but because on some level he'd learned that if he threw a tantrum, things went the way he wanted them to and at least one girlfriend put up with it rather than eventually doing what I did. But it's why I often come on threads to point out that abusers aren't always horrible horrible evil people, but that doesn't change that their abuse is real.

His parents do treat him like the golden child, he was never told off for being naughty as a child or sent to his room, not told off for school fights as a teenager, his parents didn't speak to him when he punched a window pane during an argument with his high school girlfriend (which I wasn't told about until very recently), when he's screamed at the tv over football the most he's gotten is a gentle "don't raise your voice" or no comment at all.

That's very interesting MsMarch, putting in the work and getting therapy is the only way to improve. I will need to stick to my ultimatum or he will continue to do this to me or just move on to someone else and perhaps do the same if I leave

You know what will happen with your ultimatum? He'll 'improve' until he thinks you've 'forgotten about it' then it will all kick off again

I agree with this. It may not be as cynical as he improves till he thinks you have forgotten. It’s just that he may be able to hold himself back for a short while to keep you, but just can’t maintain it.

He has a lifetime of ingrained behaviour. He’s not going to change in a few months. This is a long term project to make changes and then he will have to maintain those changes his whole life. I don’t think you have quite grasped how colossal making this change will be for him.

You are best getting out now but if you are not ready maybe setting yourself a target of a few months is best.

Just be aware of your own motivation to keep grasping onto signs of ‘improvement’ that keep you trapped in an unhealthy relationship.

You are young, childless and there is a much better life for you than this relationship.

Good luck OP. I truly believe that these things can be fixed and improved, but I watched DH do it and I KNOW that it was very hard and often a very lonely and difficult process for him.

The irony of course is that as the golden child, you'd think he had no issues with his parents. hahahahaha. It was quite interesting recently though - he saw an old friend from his uni days the other day who he hadn't seen in about 15 years. DH mentioned that MIL is living nearby now and this friend apparently did a double take and said something like, "whoah, how are you coping with that - that must be hell for you?". DH was a bit bemused. After all his therapy and all his work, he's actually forgotten about a lot of the shit from his childhood and is actually really close with MIL now. It's moderately entertaining!

Of course he stuck by you. Finding someone new who’ll put up with broken walls is a lot of effort. This way he knows you’re in his debt and he has even more control.

Honestly, as someone who could have written your post years ago, and is now a lot further down the line than you are, I would say quit while you're ahead.

Once you have children it will be much harder to leave, and the stress of children will likely bring back his anger even if, short term, anger management works, unless you are very lucky.

Then what happens about any children you have? They will grow up seeing that the way adult men react to stressful situations is to totally lose the plot and damage things. Not great messaging, or a happy childhood for them.

I would say leave now and find yourself a man with an even temper, who doesn't show his love for you by behaving like a frustrated toddler.

This.

Women with self esteem are long gone from his type.

Thank goodness at least, you have no plans to inflict his violence, abuse and rage on any children.

Please stick to this.

Men like him leave children terrorised in their home, whilst they present as street angel's.

Life can seem endless when you are young.

It passes quickly and it is sad how often young women like you bitterly regret being so cavalier with their one precious life.......

Wasting it, thinking spending it trying to fix some violent angry man is all they deserve.

You deserve better, but you get what you will accept, sadly.

I cannot stand people who break things in a temper, as a previous PP said, I see them as a spoiled brat.

I still have two broken laptops and five smashed phones that my ex broke (have kept them to remind me to never put up with this type of behaviour again) and once had to make the decision to remove myself from a tenancy as I did not want to be responsible for all the wallshe had punched.

Honestly OP, life really is too short to be living with a man who throws these type of wobblers, I really look down at people like this these days, it's pathetic.

What SaturdayGiraffe said.

This.

You can’t fix him.
you can’t fix his upbringing or his parents or his excuses. He isn’t 2.

why have you still not run for the hills?
why are your boundaries so low?
why do you think a course will fix this or that you or others can

you can’t

Exactly. Op everyone on here has more or less told you the same thing. That's a lot of years life experience you have been given they can't all be wrong. You will not be able to fix the life time of indulgence your partner had.

You're trauma bonded. Just because you've forgiven him for some awful behaviour (or vice versa) doesn't mean you should be together. This relationship is awful and you need to leave.

They are called "smash rooms" and they are great fun and they are not comparable to punching a wall, not least because you go there as a planned trip, not because you've lost your temper.

Just because someone punches a wall doesn't mean its going to end in violence to the partner. Mumsnet like to assume it always ends that way 🙄

I still have two broken laptops and five smashed phones that my ex broke (have kept them to remind me to never put up with this type of behaviour again)

I have scratches in my coffee table that I refuse to retouch for similar reasons.

@Emmamoo89 punching walls is violent, scary and aggressive behaviour. Unacceptable.

This kind of behaviour invariably only ever gets worse. I would bet money that it won't be long before the op gets walloped sooner or later.

Not sure why you're focusing so much on his parents. He's a grown man, he needs to figure out how to regulate himself.

Tell his parents that he's on the clock to sort this shit out, or you're sending him home to live with them. Should make them pay more attention if it has a chance of becoming their problem.

Make sure your contraception is watertight. You don't want to bring kids into this before you wise up and understand you're not a man's rehabilitation centre.

Give him three weeks to sort this out. Not months. Outline the ultimation to him. People can only change if they put the time and effort in, accessing the right help. Blowing up and smashing things up once a fortnight is not acceptable. This level of violence is not normal.

he says it’s just the way he is and he expects you to suck it up. Instead tell him you don’t tolerate violence, that’s just the sort of person you are and he can suck it up and choose to behave normally or leave.

OP, are you seeking any professional guidance yourself?

I think this says more about you than mumsnet.

OP having read your replies I’m afraid my next advice is to book yourself into a plastering course.
Best of luck.

It doesn’t inevitable mean the man will physically attack the partner, no. Though the likelihood of this is greatly increased.

However, do not underestimate the damage to OP of having to endure this outbursts. Her rational mind may believe he will not hit her in these rages, but her limbic system sure as hell believes he will. Her entire body will be processing this as a threat and pumping her body full of adrenalin, preparing her to have to fight or run, ramping up her anxiety and fear levels. And that will not fully settle till some time afterwards. Then she has to continue to live with the man, that her mind has learnt to process as a potential threat. Inevitably, she will start to live in ways that seek to avoid these alarming outbursts.

And of course she is with a man who lacks the empathy and ability to focus on her, to understand, or care, that he is doing all of this to her.

It’s no way to live.

Best not to take the risk though eh?

Not really. Yes some men and women have anger issues but does not mean its going to end in domestic violence. And people can change. Not everyone who punches shit are arseholes.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But sounds like he does need help. Some men can change.. some don't. Do what's best for you.