Is it okay to punch walls out of anger?

[LucyLou96]

Is punching walls, throwing objects and breaking things out of anger at games or other issues e.g phone or laptop not working, can't make the lego figurine right as it's so fiddly so throws the entire thing at a wall smashing it to pieces, made the scrambled eggs slightly wrong so throws the entire batch away out of anger etc etc acceptable? I know it's wrong and needs to be addressed and my OH has finally accepted he needs to do an anger management course after years of saying "I can't help it, I can't control it, it's who I am take it or leave it" etc. But when I was talking to OH's father in private about how he has finally accepted he needs to learn to control his anger better, his father said to me actually him punching walls etc is a good thing as it shows my OH knows how to deflect his anger away from people and would never hurt a person, "he would never hurt you" only objects. I couldnt believe I was hearing that. And now I can't help but wonder if my OH's parents have made my OH think it's okay to behave like that as they didn't tell him off for it growing up. They made him think it's okay. I don't know how to explain to them all that no this is exactly how some domestic abuse situations start

"OH said he agrees with his father that maybe he shows me his angry side because he feels the most comfortable being more vulnerable around me".

BS. Like father like son. He was himself violent when he was younger and fundamentally he has not changed in all the years since. His son, your current partner, has taken after him. That is what he learnt about relationships when he was growing up.

"And he agrees that throwing items is better than punching people, but said "it doesn't make it ok though at all, but I get my dad's point how it's better than people" and claimed his dad wasn't trying to minimise his behaviour he was probably just trying to point out how it's better to hit objects than people".

Your dad is wrong here on so many levels.

Both are bad; throwing items is an example of domestic abuse/domestic violence within the home. It is also but a small step from throwing objects (I would also think said object being thrown is one of your things rather than his) to throwing you across the room. Its a threat designed to keep you both quiet and subseviant with the subtext being first this object, it will be you next unless you shut up and be quiet. Again its always someone else's fault, anyone else's except their own but the fault lies with them, not you.

The book "why does he do that" was written by a man who worked extensively with men who were abusive. And over many years, he was forced to admit that even the ones who really really saw that what they were doing was wrong, very few of them managed to change much at all. It's so ingrained, part of the fibre of their very being, it runs through them like the words in a stick of Blackpool rock.

Add into that, that often because it's intergenerational they've got a whole family lined up who are utterly blind to it. Because it's also all that they know, and have tolerated, excused and accepted for decades.

I appreciate that you gave him an ultimatum. I did that too. But know, like I did that it's unlikely to change much - and almost certainly won't change permanently. They revert back. But use that time to plan for the scenario of living apart and what you need to put in place now so that you will always have an exit route.

And I know you will be heartbroken. So was I. But you will heal and in time see that it's no life to live. Get the book I mentioned above. You can use a kindle app if you don't want to have a physical copy lying about but get it. It will help you so much.

This is so true.
I have DC in their 20s OP and wouldn’t like to think they are in a relationship like this.

You are young and to do deserve more. Leave now - especially if you want to have your own DC in the future please don’t with this man - imagine being small child in this environment?

As an aside he's never thrown any of my belongings but that's besides the point. In doing so it shows a lack of appreciation of money and the cost of replacing broken equipment. Like a toddler having a tantrum. His mother babied him and his parents both act overprotective towards him. He lived at home doing zero chores around the house until he was 25. I'm realising their entire family dynamic is centred around babying him and acting like he is a child not a grown man and I won't get any help from his parents either

I am slowly accepting this relationship needs to end and it is heartbreaking but I will have to get through it. I read back through some older diaries and realise I've chosen not to remember so many incidents of his behaviour involving throwing things, throwing food on the floor, throwing a bicycle onto the floor, breaking down in tears on the floor saying he should get a knife and kill himself because he is a failure in life.

The man needs help and to get his act together but it will have to be without my help. He's had years to figure out for himself he needs to change, years of me begging him to get help for his issues, and I'm worthy of someone who wants to be better.

Stick to your guns and you might well do both him and yourself a big favour. It's not your problem, but if he threatens to hurt himself, you could e.g. tell his parents and tell him to get medical help. Remember that you leaving and him feeling devastated/furious/whatever might be what finally makes him take it seriously. He needs to have that experience.
Whatever happens, be careful how you go about it. Have a friend with you and be prepared to call the police if he is threatening.

He is so abusive.
So controlling.

Just like his waster abusive father.

A family of abusers.

I hope you get away.
I hope you start to focus on yourself because how you have accepted this bullshit for 6 years tells me that your self respect is very very low too.

Women who view men as projects always end up with lazy, selfish, abusive arseholes.

I never wanted a project because I have my own work to do on myself in my life, most of us do.

We CAN only change ourselves, and that's not so easy!

We can't change others.

He's an abusive arsehole.
That's all.

God help the poor fool who ends up with him and inevitably inflicts him on poor children 🙄.....intergenerational abuse and so the cycle continues.

You still have a chance to get away and not be dealing with this for the next 4 decades.

Oh gosh, this is so true. Funny how men who can’t control their rage in the home can somehow keep it totally controlled when facing someone bigger and scarier than themselves.

Thanks for that useful phrase ‘anger indulgence habit’. I went out with two men who had this, before meeting lovely good-natured DH. No good qualities were enough to outweigh these horrible tantrums.

No way, it's intimidating to anyone else present and can be a warning sign they will escalate to violence towards the person present.

I am slowly accepting this relationship needs to end and it is heartbreaking but I will have to get through it. I read back through some older diaries and realise I've chosen not to remember so many incidents of his behaviour involving throwing things, throwing food on the floor, throwing a bicycle onto the floor, breaking down in tears on the floor saying he should get a knife and kill himself because he is a failure in life.

The man needs help and to get his act together but it will have to be without my help. He's had years to figure out for himself he needs to change, years of me begging him to get help for his issues, and I'm worthy of someone who wants to be better.

That's a very powerful realisation and a great first step towards a wonderful life. It mirrors what I was doing over 20 years ago.

Be prepared though for accusations from his family (and maybe even some your own) that you are pulling apart the family for no reason. I found that the hardest, when I got shit from people who just don't understand domestic abuse unless there's black eyes involved. Remember who you are and what you know and what you want your future to hold and stay firm. He may also try the suicide threats or attempts - you cannot cave if he does. The appropriate people to help him is his family or emergency services so any texts or messages just pass them on to either without engaging with him.

He sounds like my brother. He was babied and did nothing around the house and lashed out when he didn't get his own way. He once kicked in the side of the sofa when my parents refused to lend him money. He took his temper out on me too. His wife left him after about three years and my parents blamed her!

i had a boyfriend in my twenties with anger issues. He punched walls and would be verbally abusive when drunk. Dumped.. Not husband or father material. Dh in 20 years of marriage has never once punched anything, shouted or said anything vile to me. Not once.

Racking my brains the worst thing dh has said is “I think you should wear the other top”.

No. Not normal. I don't know anyone who does any of those things. Have you shown him this thread?

I dont think showing an abusive man a thread you wrote about him online is very safe, do you?

You sound strong OP.
Please follow through. Empty threats are worthless.
Best of luck with it

Why in the name of all that makes sense would one show him this thread?