Is it okay to punch walls out of anger?

[LucyLou96]

Is punching walls, throwing objects and breaking things out of anger at games or other issues e.g phone or laptop not working, can't make the lego figurine right as it's so fiddly so throws the entire thing at a wall smashing it to pieces, made the scrambled eggs slightly wrong so throws the entire batch away out of anger etc etc acceptable? I know it's wrong and needs to be addressed and my OH has finally accepted he needs to do an anger management course after years of saying "I can't help it, I can't control it, it's who I am take it or leave it" etc. But when I was talking to OH's father in private about how he has finally accepted he needs to learn to control his anger better, his father said to me actually him punching walls etc is a good thing as it shows my OH knows how to deflect his anger away from people and would never hurt a person, "he would never hurt you" only objects. I couldnt believe I was hearing that. And now I can't help but wonder if my OH's parents have made my OH think it's okay to behave like that as they didn't tell him off for it growing up. They made him think it's okay. I don't know how to explain to them all that no this is exactly how some domestic abuse situations start

Lucy

what you are describing re him are all examples of domestic violence.

Anger management courses are NO answer to domestic violence. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on his behaviour.

Your relationship with him needs to be and is actually at an end now. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Do contact Womens Aid here for support re leaving safely.

Not acceptable in any situation. I assume he manages self restraint and control at work. He is choosing to be aggressive at home.

Don't you think you deserve better than this? Life is very short and precious. Don't waste it on a piece of shit like him.

He tones it down in front of everyone else but me but also never games in front of anyone but me. He doesn't do it at work per say but I've certainly received very angry/stressed out texts about work situations there that are making him get that worked up and he doesn't know how to fix something . And similar texts when he's been in stressful situations with friends like tricky train times or not finding places where he's supposed to go meet someone. To this his father said "it shows you that he feels he can be his most vulnerable with you and doesn't have to hide parts of himself".

He screams at the tv when watching the football with his dad, his dad shouts at it too but nowhere near the same level, nobody says anything about my OH's level of anger.

We've been together 6 years and don't have children, both in our late 20s.

I want to discuss how to diplomatically tell his parents this behaviour isn't okay as they're normalising and minimising it and it doesn't help if I am the only one close to him saying no this isn't okay, you need help

Late twenties, no kids, you wouldn't see me for dust.

You are not his rehab.

Why is your diplomacy important but not his?

You diplomatically tell his parents this behaviour isn't okay as they're normalising and minimising it and it doesn't help if you're the only one close to him saying no this isn't okay, you need help by text after you've left him and then block the lot of them.

I thought you had children with the talk about Lego. I wouldn't be putting up with it.

Next time he punches a wall, he gets his Lego taken away for 1 week. And no screen time for a month.

My ex did this and thought it was normal. FWIW he'd never actually hit me but he was, and is an angry man who remains ever seeking something that will make him happy/content.
He used to shout at the kids a lot, and still does. He has kicked holes in doors and kicked a stair gate. Once he threw a bottle of formula milk against the wall when we had a disagreement in the middle.of the night.
All the time I justified his behaviors to myself as he was an otherwise decent husband. Until he left me completely out of the blue with no warning.
Men like this are not decent and reliable partners. In a lot of cases they turn physically violent. Mine never did with me, but he upped and left when life in his 50s with two kids got a bit too boring for him.

Get out now. Go and make a lovely life for yourself that doesn't involve a volatile man child. You will only come to regret it if you stay. You have plenty of time to meet someone else and have kids if that is what you want.

Whatever you do, do not have children with him. Statistically that is when he will start punching you, not the walls. And by then you will be tied to him for the rest of your life, even if it is just worrying yourself sick about your kid having unsupervised contact with him.

This is one of those life defining choices. Don't get it wrong.

You have no ties, run for your life.
He can control his temper but chooses not to.
He is a dangerous man and when you do eventually see sense be careful because his type won't let you go easily. He will threaten suicide, threaten to harm you/your family.

Get the free book 'why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft '

He doesn't do it to his boss. I can promise you that.

If he had anger he 'couldn't control' when someone at work double booked him for a meeting he would smash something. He doesn't. Therefore he CAN control it.

If he couldn't control it he'd probably be in prison by now for punching up a bus when the driver accidentally missed his stop.

When someone takes their temper out on objects they either damage whatever is closest to hand, regardless of how valuable it is, or they select only those things that don't matter. Either is hugely problematic, as the first means they're out of control, and the second means they have control and are choosing this behaviour. So you either have a man who's uncontrolled behaviour means he is dangerous, or you have one who has so little respect for you and your home that he deliberately intimidates you and destroys things. I wouldn't want either.

Why are his parents so involved? Why do you care so much about their opinion/seek their opinion on this?

I have thrown things and smashed things in anger. I had quite severe postnatal depression. It's absolutely not ok and I ended up medicated and having counselling.
Maybe he ought to look into that.

Fuck! So even when he is not at home and things don't go his way, he texts you!!

This is scary as hell OP. One day he will unleash on you without a doubt and he has been enabled by his parents.

Get out when he's not there. If you have financial ties like a mortgage, get legal advice but get away from this out of control dangerous man but for Christ's sake do it when he is not at home. Don't ever let him near you once he realises the game is up.

No. Never have kids with him.

The father who helped him onto this path to emotional incontinence is always going to minimise this behaviour so not one to take advice from.

Daddy has an answer for everything, doesn’t he? Golden boy can’t do anything wrong. In fact, you’re the one who is wrong for questioning it.

Turns out when you don’t model resilience to a child they can grow up into an adult who breaks walls with a free pass from Dad.

This won’t go away. It’s intergenerational.

No, it's not okay at all. I don't think your first call is to speak to his parent thought - I think it's to explain to him that his violent outburst frighten you and you don't want to live like that.

Also, that him texting about work situations and the like stresses you out - unless you do the same to him, that's not really a mutual relationship.

The next step to 'I can't help it' is 'I don't want to do this anymore, and I'm going to do something about learning to manage my anger'.

If he doesn't do this in good faith, it's hard to see how your relationship can continue etc (unless you're happy to put up with his angry, violent outbursts).

As you're his go-to tantrum receptacle, even texting you his rage when you're apart, I'll take a guess that his father also dumps this burden on his mother. There's no chance of changing a familial pattern like this without extensive therapy.

I'm also guessing he wouldn't undertake extensive therapy but, even if he would, there's no reason why you should support a dysfunctional man through his anger issues. It's just another way of being his emotional slop bucket.

I really don't feel you should put yourself through this. Leaving aside the fact that it's hard to remain sexually interested in someone who smashes up your home and dumps all their negative feelings on you, it is very likely to get worse. It would be a dreadful environment for children.

His parents have been more involved as he's been having a bit of a mental health breakdown lately with depression and stress so I've been speaking to them about things as I can't carry on being the only person to try and help him anymore, but they seem to be burying their heads in the sand about how he can be. Nothing makes my OH happy and he tries to make himself feel better by binge eating or buying takeaways and material things to give him that quick boost instead of doing the real work to fix it. So I feel like he's made a small step to improving himself by admitting he needs anger management therapy but don't feel that anyone else is seeing/supporting the fact he needs proper therapy because they're minimising his behaviour which is also enabling it.

His father doesn't communicate his feelings to anyone about anything and his mother has told me she has no idea how he feels about quite serious situations that have happened

I feel like we have both supported each other through a lot of issues over the years but as time goes by he's supposed to get more mature, not stay a man child. I keep naively hoping he will change

It sounds like you're firstly expecting him to change, and secondly, expect his parents to be instrumental in this happening.

I think both are unlikely, and it's not your job to fix this person. Yes he's currently your boyfriend, but that is entirely optional. Is this what you're choosing for yourself? If so, why?

You desperately need help yourself OP.

What on earth are you doing tolerating tjis domestic violence.

What is your background like that you have tolerated this?

Are you thinking of inflicting this violent man on children?

If you do, you are extremely foolish.

Pack your bags, get out.

Get therapy, and some self worth.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you develop some boundaries and self esteem.

Staying with him is going to mean a life of misery for you.

You can’t fix him.
It isn’t your job to try.
His parents can’t fix him either.

I would be leaving.

His parents won't acknowledge the problem because they've fobbed him off to you to deal with. They know full well what he's like and have no intention of him being their problem again. They'll fight hard to gaslight you into thinking its normal so they don't end up with him back with them again.