Page 4 | Is it okay to punch walls out of anger?

blacksax · 12/06/2023 00:14

WtP · 11/06/2023 23:37

OK so I punched a dent into the outside of our bedroom door!
Context was my late wife was hiding things from medical people that could have made our life so much better.
I was her primary carer and had to do pretty much everything for both of us to live.
But she chose to gloss over stuff that could of given both of us a much better life if it was recorded, I don't blame her as MS took her mental capacity away so the outside of the door got the brunt of my frustration.
I even wrote in Sharpie next to the dent "this is why not" Nearly 4 years after her death from complications from her MS I still hate myself for the dent in the door.
Please tell me I was wrong!

With all due respect, I don't think the predicament you found yourself in resembles the OP's situation in any way. In your case, it was a one-off and you were - perhaps understandably - at the end of your tether. This is not the case here.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 12/06/2023 00:20

ThatFraggle · 11/06/2023 21:25

Get the free book 'why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft '

He doesn't do it to his boss. I can promise you that.

If he had anger he 'couldn't control' when someone at work double booked him for a meeting he would smash something. He doesn't. Therefore he CAN control it.

If he couldn't control it he'd probably be in prison by now for punching up a bus when the driver accidentally missed his stop.

This.

Northernsouloldies · 12/06/2023 00:21

Life in your late twenties should be relatively carefree considering no children but and it's a Big but yours is not. Don't get tied down to this idiot or you will be walking on eggshells for years. Get rid op. Make a better life for yourself.

Channellingsophistication · 12/06/2023 00:24

he can control his anger - he doesnt smash walls at work - he just chooses not to with you because you accept him as he is…. I dont think you should…

PaigeMatthews · 12/06/2023 00:27

leave him. Honestly. Now. Just leave him.

you cant ever have children with him as he proudly exclaims he cannot control his anger.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 12/06/2023 00:28

Weirdly his mother came to visit one time and she laughed about how they still had holes/dents in some of their walls from where their delightful son kicked them in as a toddler and later as a teenager. So in short, now he was an adult he was just a man baby who'd always had tantrums and no one had ever told him he couldn't do that.

My ex's mum actually warned me that he had a foul temper just before I moved away with him. Sadly, I thought I knew better. He graduated from destroying stuff at home to physically hurting me.

RamblinRosie · 12/06/2023 00:43

Funny how they never punch the brick walls, only the plasterboard ones.

In a real rage they’d hit the nearest wall, and maybe break a few fingers, but they never do.

SnuggleBuggleBoo · 12/06/2023 00:44

Please please please please please don't have children with him.

Endoftheroad12345 · 12/06/2023 02:29

Honestly @LucyLou96 I can only echo what everyone else is saying. Leave now and do not have kids with this guy.

My ex H was just like your partner. Would fly into rages, smash things, etc. The “red mist”. His family all knew and enabled him.

I stayed and when my first child was 1 he punched me in the head and gave me a black eye and a fat lip for telling him it was his turn to get up the the baby.

I’ve left him now after 21 years … my kids are fantastic so I can’t regret their existence but I do regret wasting my life between 20-41 with an angry, immature, emotional void of a man.

AlwaysThinkingOfFood · 12/06/2023 02:48

Leave him please and as
other posters have said, do not have children with him. I'm married to someone like this, we are in our early 50's with kids. The guy hasn't changed a single thing about himself in 17years. People like this don't change and are absolutely enabled by parents and family. You are so young and have a lifetime ahead of you.

nealjacob53 · 12/06/2023 04:08

I met him when i was 17 and moved in with him,he beat me up ,i should have gone home but ended up years later with 3 kids, when my youngest was just born he came home from the pub and hit me so hard when i was holding my newborn ,if it had hit him it would have killed him. I spent 8 weeks in womens refuge with all my kids i got away from him in the end when i was 38, all my kids were happy that we were free from him. He begged me to go home and said he had changed but it was too late, he has died at the age of 58, i always said to him that you will die a lonely man, that is what happened. I dont feel elation but karma comes around !

Hearti · 12/06/2023 04:35

do you really want to have children with this abusive man? Imagine you and the kids treading on eggshells, your children likely copying this bloody awful behaviour. Imagine how vulnerable and cornered you’ll be when poorly or pregnant or elderly. Violence should be non negotiable, please do not tolerate it. He can’t even take himself off for a walk to get the anger out of his system, he’s refusing to get help. Play hard ball. Tell him that you will not tolerate it and that to continue the relationship he must resolve the issue immediately. He’s can take his stuff and leave if unwilling to sort the issue out.

Some links

https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/punching-wall/

Why Do People Destroy or Punch Things When Upset?

There are better ways to release your frustration and distress instead of engaging in activities that could hurt you or get you in trouble.

https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/punching-wall/

Cc1998 · 12/06/2023 04:46

With all due respect, this isn't your job to help him help himself or to work out why he might be like this. Grab your stuff and LEAVE. He's possibly one punch away from punching you in the face.
A bit confused about what is attractive about this horrible man who can't control his temper.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 12/06/2023 04:55

If you were my child I would advise you to end the relationship.

SorrowsPrayers · 12/06/2023 05:40

Don't have children with him.
I grew up in a household where this behaviour was normal for my father.
We were scared.
We walked on eggshells constantly hoping that he wouldn't get cross. Even frying an egg would set him off ( if the yolk broke).
Relationships are supposed to be nice, and not constantly hard work.
Leave him.

ThatFraggle · 12/06/2023 07:49

Cc1998 · 12/06/2023 04:46

With all due respect, this isn't your job to help him help himself or to work out why he might be like this. Grab your stuff and LEAVE. He's possibly one punch away from punching you in the face.
A bit confused about what is attractive about this horrible man who can't control his temper.

People get killed by single punches. 'He didn't mean to!' But you'll still be dead.

gotthevibe · 12/06/2023 08:09

LucyLou96 · 11/06/2023 19:57

Is punching walls, throwing objects and breaking things out of anger at games or other issues e.g phone or laptop not working, can't make the lego figurine right as it's so fiddly so throws the entire thing at a wall smashing it to pieces, made the scrambled eggs slightly wrong so throws the entire batch away out of anger etc etc acceptable? I know it's wrong and needs to be addressed and my OH has finally accepted he needs to do an anger management course after years of saying "I can't help it, I can't control it, it's who I am take it or leave it" etc. But when I was talking to OH's father in private about how he has finally accepted he needs to learn to control his anger better, his father said to me actually him punching walls etc is a good thing as it shows my OH knows how to deflect his anger away from people and would never hurt a person, "he would never hurt you" only objects. I couldnt believe I was hearing that. And now I can't help but wonder if my OH's parents have made my OH think it's okay to behave like that as they didn't tell him off for it growing up. They made him think it's okay. I don't know how to explain to them all that no this is exactly how some domestic abuse situations start

I would finish this relationship.
Not normal at all.

gotthevibe · 12/06/2023 08:16

LucyLou96 · 11/06/2023 23:38

I don't want to fix him myself, I want him to put the effort in to fix himself. But I want to help him through whatever shit is going on in his head. I was talking to his family as he doesn't have many friends and I didn't know who to turn to. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him as apart from those moments the good times we have are really good, which is why I want to help him and he has been there for me during some very low times. But I agree with others it seems he's taking advantage of being able to behave that way in front of me but tones it down in front of others. It's like he has one personality for me andna slightly different one for others. I wanted his parents to see that his behaviour is wrong so I didn't feel as alone in calling him out on it, but maybe his entire family is messed up. FIL minimises it and MIL doesn't even comment on it, makes me wonder if his dad has behaved this way in front of his mum and it's normal for them all

Don't help him-leave.
This will be a horrible life for you.
You know when you have had to go on a forum anonymously asking if this behaviour is normal it's not.
Please please don't have kids with him. Hope you on contraception if you are intimate. The children would have a
Miserable life and you wouldn't be able to leave him with the children.
Is this what you imagined a loving relationship would be when you were a little girl?
What would you advise your daughter if you had one in future?

Shoxfordian · 12/06/2023 08:18

What his dad said about him being able to show you his real self is all wrong. We’re supposed to be able to regulate our emotional responses by the time we’re adults; two year olds throw things when they get annoyed- there’s no excuse for grown adults acting the same way. It’s also likely to just be a matter of time before he throws something at you or the violence escalates.

When he said take it or leave it then you should have left it: get out now

Roselilly36 · 12/06/2023 08:21

Worrying that you need to ask OP, of course, it’s completely unacceptable behaviour. Make sure you are safe and let him go.

PrinceHaz · 12/06/2023 08:27

You’re young, don’t have children with him and have no ties to him. Run fast.
You can’t be sitting quivering with your child pressed into your chest to stop them hearing their indulgent dad ranting. It would be awful.

80s · 12/06/2023 08:38

I've only read OP's comments.
him punching walls etc is a good thing as it shows my OH knows how to deflect his anger away from people and would never hurt a person
No, it doesn't. It shows that he punches and breaks things when upset by the tiniest, unimportant setback, so he could easily go on to punch people, either in more stressful situations or if he's simply allowed to get away with it.

A more stressful situation would be a baby keeping the two of you up at night.
If he can't control his anger over lego, I would not let him near a baby.
Use double protection if you want to continue sleeping with him.

MIL doesn't even comment on it
Maybe she's hoping you'll get the message from her silence. She's made some other warning comments, after all.

Do you think the depression and mental health issues are related to him starting to realise what screwed-up behaviour he was subjected to as a child?

FrenchBoule · 12/06/2023 08:39

@WtP PM’d you

Original poster

LucyLou96 · 12/06/2023 09:57

I believe people have the ability to change if they really want to and get the right help, or is he cursed to be like this for the rest of his life no matter what? I don't know if it's as black and white as saying he is an abusive partner and I'm in an abusive relationship, I don't believe he is a monster like that.

His parents haven't modelled healthy emotional regulation, they sweep every problem under the rug. And yes they're definitely enabling his behaviour and he seems to have never been taught how wrong it is. They see it as "outbursts" not as a pattern of behaviour and I am not sure if they fully believe what I've told them he's done they don't see it for themselves.

I think him being depressed is due to unresolved issues from his childhood and undiagnosed ADHD, but that's not for me to fix or sort out.

OP posts:

StrikingStriker · 12/06/2023 10:02

Rather someone punched walls and objects than people but it's still violent, intimidating and threatening. Punching inanimate object is only second to punching people, so it's not any easier to deal with as an observer.

The puncher needs anger management and different ways to let out steam. Perhaps they can go to boxing lessons and do the punching there.