Is it okay to punch walls out of anger?

[LucyLou96]

Is punching walls, throwing objects and breaking things out of anger at games or other issues e.g phone or laptop not working, can't make the lego figurine right as it's so fiddly so throws the entire thing at a wall smashing it to pieces, made the scrambled eggs slightly wrong so throws the entire batch away out of anger etc etc acceptable? I know it's wrong and needs to be addressed and my OH has finally accepted he needs to do an anger management course after years of saying "I can't help it, I can't control it, it's who I am take it or leave it" etc. But when I was talking to OH's father in private about how he has finally accepted he needs to learn to control his anger better, his father said to me actually him punching walls etc is a good thing as it shows my OH knows how to deflect his anger away from people and would never hurt a person, "he would never hurt you" only objects. I couldnt believe I was hearing that. And now I can't help but wonder if my OH's parents have made my OH think it's okay to behave like that as they didn't tell him off for it growing up. They made him think it's okay. I don't know how to explain to them all that no this is exactly how some domestic abuse situations start

I haven't sought any professional help myself yet but I plan to as it is is no way to live, my body does respond with fight or flight and my heart pounds in my chest, I've tried explaining this to my OH but it ends up making him feel even worse about his actions as after the outburst he feels guilty but doesn't know how to make it right so just tries to pretend it didn't happen. He doesn't want to get that angry, it's not like he likes it he is actually ashamed of it, and I believe people can change, but the onus has to be on him to put the effort in. I don't think he should be written off as a human being

I am 100% confident that DH would never have hit me. doesn't mean that his massive temper tantrums, throwing things etc wasn't massively harmful and, if it had continued, abusive. It was.

I've tried explaining this to my OH but it ends up making him feel even worse about his actions as after the outburst he feels guilty but doesn't know how to make it right so just tries to pretend it didn't happen.

OP this is probably the most worrying sentence you've written on this thread. Because it means that not only does he have these massive temper tantrums and is unwilling to address it, but you are ALREADY starting to feel you have to adapt your behaviour to help HIM to avoid feeling guilty because he "can't help it".

So you try to address the anger and he gets defensive and feels "guilty" and the result is that he makes out that you are the bad guy for banging on about something that he can't help and are not being supportive.

I stand by my comment that anger issues of this sort can be dealt with. But even more, I stand by my advice that you have to tell him to sort it NOW or you have to be 100% prepared to walk. Becuase, ironically, the longer it goes on, the more entrenched his idea that it's not his fault (or even, your fault) will go on and the more you will attempt to change your behaviour to manage his temper. Don't go there.

I need to stand firm, no one but me is calling him out on his behaviour. He told me last night he appreciates everything I’m doing to try and help and I quizzically asked do you? And he said “I’m trying to be polite and not get annoyed, I’m trying to be different to normal”. Later on I said “We can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped” and it almost made him snap, he kind of growled, breathed deeply, then said “I’m trying very hard not to get pissed off, to be different to normal”. Even talking about his anger makes him angry. I will look into finding a therapist to help me unravel the comments he makes as he comes across so selfish sometimes yet has no self worth

I'm sorry @LucyLou96 but this is complete BS. If he has genuine anger problems, "trying not to get pissed off" isn't going to do it. He needs to face this head on, seek external help and do the work.

Instead, what it sounds like to me is that he's doing the bare minimum so that he can say, "but I'm trying and you're not being supportive"... and then will use that as an excuse to get angry and then you'll stop "hounding" him.

To be very very clear - you cannot help him manage his anger The only "help" you can provide is to accommodate the time and effort (and, potentially - if you live together/share expenses etc) and cost of seeking help. You cannot actually do any of the work or have any direct impact on how he manages the problem.

Leaving him isn't writing him off as a human being. It's recognising your own importance as a human being who doesn't have to put up with this shit.

Love, nobody but you needs to have any kind of opinion on his behaviour, never mind call him out on it.

You don't like it. That is enough.

You don't need to assemble a team of people in order to persuade him that his behaviour is not ok. You can decide it is not ok FOR YOU.

You don't need to look into finding a therapist to help you unravel the comments he makes or delve into his selfishness and low self worth.

You need to find a therapist who will help you understand why you are so invested in someone that makes you continually feel like shit, and are so focussed on why he does it, rather than realising you can and need to walk away from things that do not make you feel good. Fuck paying fifty quid an hour to think about why he's got anger issues that he won't deal with, who cares?! Not your business.

I don't think he should be written off as a human being
By doing what? You think that if you leave him you're writing him off as a human being? If so, how have you made that leap? You'd be making it clear to him that if he wants to be in a relationship with someone like you then he will have to seek help. He might learn something. You'd be making his anger his issue, not yours. Or do you think you deserve to share his issues?
He's not treating you with the respect due to a fellow human being. But you are treating him decently. Leaving someone is not cruel, inhumane or dismissive.

I’m trying to be polite and not get annoyed
I’m trying very hard not to get pissed off
You're not asking him to be polite. You're asking him not to be aggressive. He's acting like you want him to be polite because he won't admit his issue is aggression. "My dp says I'm not polite enough" - sounds like someone has been telling him not to use swearwords. Nagging wife territory.
You're also not asking him to stop getting annoyed. That would be a hugely unreasonable ask - everyone gets annoyed. You're asking him to stop breaking things when he's annoyed. Again, he's making out that the issue you're complaining about is something totally different.

And "I'm TRYING ... very hard", said in a threatening growl. = I'm trying to do it, but watch out - you're provoking me and I might not be able to keep it up. Stop talking or I'll get angry.

He's not taking it on board.

He thinks not punching things is being polite? 🙄

This.

And from your comments about what he said, it’s worse than it appeared at first. Your partner has absolutely no emotional resilience, and yes this may well be grounded in a deep sense of lack of worth. In other words, he has a lot to unpack.

To put it in context, my ten year old struggles with anger. He’s getting a lot better over the years. He too feels ashamed of his behaviour and refuses to discuss it either as it makes him feel bad. But even he tries to do things to manage his feelings. Breathing, calming bottle. He’s now been prepared to work working through a cbt book for kids. And he’s ten.

Your husband is going to need extensive therapy over a very long period, to have any hope of managing his emotions. And that’s only if he puts the work in. It’s a lot easier to stay as he is even if it makes him miserable.

Someone asked you if he does this in front of others/at work and you need to see how illuminating your answers are.

He tones it down in front of everyone else but me but also never games in front of anyone but me.

So he knows that he gets out of control so is careful to never let anyone see it. Except you. You get the brunt of it.

He doesn't do it at work per say but I've certainly received very angry/stressed out texts about work situations there that are making him get that worked up and he doesn't know how to fix something .

So his workmates or bosses don't see the anger, he's careful to not let them see it. You get the brunt of it though - and you don't even work there!

And similar texts when he's been in stressful situations with friends like tricky train times or not finding places where he's supposed to go meet someone.

Again, you get the brunt of all and any situations he finds himself not coping with, even when you are far away and had nothing to do with his friends or trains or whatever. Nobody else.

To this his father said "it shows you that he feels he can be his most vulnerable with you and doesn't have to hide parts of himself".

No. He's showing you his abusive side. The one that he's careful to conceal from everyone else who he knows won't accept that behaviour.

That tells you 4 things - 1: that he can, very adeptly divert and manage his anger; 2: that he deems you to be of so little worth in his life that he inflicts it on you, 3: it's so ingrained and intergenerational that his family and he doesn't even see it and lastly 4: you also have so little self worth that you believe that you don't deserve to be treated better. - on some subconscious level though, there's a voice inside you telling you that you DO deserve better. Listen to her.

This is now just going round in circles, leave him better life. Stay have a terrible life. Choice is yours.

What do your parents say when you tell them about this, or show them the broken walls etc?
What advice has your mother given you?

I don't think he realises it comes across as threatening/intimidating to say "I'm trying not to get pissed off", I truly think he believes he's saying it as if to say 'back off with the topic you're trying to talk about until I've calmed down'.

My partner has the emotional maturity of a teenager, and has said multiple times he hates himself, thinks everyone secretly hates him but pretends to be friends with him, tries to make people laugh so they'll like him more but comes home and is paranoid about what people say to him to his face or behind his back. He needs proper extensive individual therapy as well as anger management.

I've raised it to him asking why he can control it better around others instead of me and he says he doesn't know. I do believe the anger is intergenerational, he's said his father has a bad temper that he's never displayed in front of me, he's only shown that side around their family, but he has a better control over it/it takes longer or more for him to snap.

I have no broken walls nor dents in my house, he has never punched one that hard and I can count on one hand how many times he's done that in the 6 and a half years I've known him. Same as I can count on one hand how many times he's thrown something in the last 6 and a half years. My mother says no it's not normal and he needs anger management therapy, but my parents are both the type to scream at each other so are used to screaming matches during arguments.

I know I deserve better. I've let his behaviours go on for too long without enforcing boundaries and enforcing that I deserve to be treated better, to be respected. I will be getting therapy in future as he is not the first boyfriend I've had to treat me badly and ironically he was the one who in the beginning showed me how it felt to be treated right, and now look what's happened

I can count on one hand...
It's not just his parents who are minimising?
now look what's happened
And not just this man who thinks events are beyond his control?

Hope the therapy gives you some real help that you can put into practice to make your life more enjoyable.

I have no broken walls nor dents in my house, he has never punched one that hard

Wow that's great of him. He only punches walls a little bit 😂

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at what yours taught you. They taught you a shedload of damaging lessons and this man is not the first abusive boyfriend you've been involved with either. Its no coincidence that either of these men have been or are involved in your life now; your childhood set you up to tacitly accept abuse and other ill treatment because its familiar to you. Your parents abjectly failed you as a child. BTW are they still together?. It would not surprise me if they were because on some level they both get what they want out of their dysfunctional and otherwise abusive relationship. They never bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you still do not know what one of those is. No-one ever bothered to tell you up till now that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He can and does control himself around other people so he does not need anger management. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on his behaviour. AM courses as well are NO answer to domestic violence which is what you're describing in all your posts.

He may well not have punched holes through the walls but the fact that he has punched walls at all is bad enough. He's sending you a message; first the wall then at some stage if he decides that is not enough for him it will be you. Your relationship was really over the first time he threw a punch at an inanimate object like said wall.

You need therapy like yesterday frankly starting with your childhood but a good place to start for you would be Womens Aid.

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works. You are not a rehab centre for this badly raised man nor should you be acting as such by trying to "understand" him. You are in a destructive cycle of codependency with this man and now you seem further stuck on the sunk costs fallacy.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life (six years in your case) has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

You've had six years of him; do not waste any more of your late 20s like you are now because life will not wait for you.

His father was and remains abusive as well. No surprise that his own son has gone down that same path.

Just don’t put up with it. Giving him a clear ultimatum to get help or you’ll end the relationship is not writing him off as a human. Ending the relationship will support his growth, learning through the school of hard knocks that bad behaviour results in people being cautious and giving him space.

Punching walls and throwing things, growling through gritted teeth is a very clear warning to you to shut up, or it will be you next.

He doesn't have an anger management problem. He doesn't warn his boss in this way. You have a codependency problem. Fix that, not him.

@GiveOverRover exactly. Wholeheartedly agree.

It may take years until the op is next - it took 20 years of screaming rages and smashing things up until my stbxh physically attacked me.

Thanks for everyone's advice. I've told my OH unless he puts the wheels in motion to see a professional in the next month I'm leaving. I now see how it's 100% intergenerational and until he gets professional help he won't see that for himself so will continue to believe it's not quite as bad as it really is, and what kind of in laws would they be if they don't see the extent of their sons issues and minimise it if anything happens in future. The entire family seems hopeless and it makes me feel alone so I'm done, he's not my responsibility.

OH said he agrees with his father that maybe he shows me his angry side because he feels the most comfortable being more vulnerable around me. And he agrees that throwing items is better than punching people, but said "it doesn't make it ok though at all, but I get my dad's point how it's better than people" and claimed his dad wasn't trying to minimise his behaviour he was probably just trying to point out how it's better to hit objects than people.

Later on OH said "it would be easier if you broke up with me because if these incidents keep happening... it's a bit abusive really". So the man child acknowledges the situation can be "a bit abusive" yet it still seems to me like he doesn't comprehend how much he needs to change, not just for me but for any future partner and for his own bloody sake. And easier for who I wonder, me or him so he doesn't have to put the huge amount of work in to improve.

I deserve better than this

I do not think he will see anyone and besides which he needs years of therapy, not just a few sessions. An ultimatum to him is hopeless unless you are yourself fully prepared to see it through; you cannot reissue an ultimatum.

You and he need to be apart. Your relationship is over anyway because of his abuses of you. And yes, you do deserve better than this.

Lucky old you. He feels most comfortable being vulnerable around you. I've never heard such shit.

He is violent and aggressive around you because he thinks he can get away with it.

His admitting it's abusive is a test for you. He knows it's abusive. He's checking boundaries with you to see if you care enough and what you will put up with. How far can he go......

I wouldn't leave any decisions about your future up to him, op. Decide for yourself what you want, what is acceptable. Don't let him decide. You take action for yourself.