Staying in a relationship for financial reasons

[Tonto37]

With the current financial climate I think more and more people will be doing this. It can be a direct choice between being in an emotionally toxic house or having extreme financial difficulties.

What's the longest you have had to do this for? Anyone done it for a decade or more?

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. I would love to leave my partner. I won't have a bad word to say about her but the relationship is doomed. I've felt this way for the past 2 years and it's growing by the week. As for the kids, I put them on the planet so I will take responsibility and make sure I provide for them every way. Therefore it looks like I could be living with someone I don't want to for the next 10 years.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month.

I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me and I really do feel sorry for them, men and women.

Firstly is your partner aware how you feel? Life is too short to live a lie. No children will benefit from witnessing the adults in their lives live a lie. If you are not invested in the relationship you should have the decency to let your partner know. Your partner may have more courage than you and end it and actually move on with their life. Non of us know what is in our future but making the other live a lie is down to you unless you have both agreed to live this financially beneficial life for the next 10 years.

Have you told her these are your plans? If not you should, it's not fair.

And no. As much as it's easier financially me and my partner broke up and I'm so much happier for it. Money doesn't equate to happiness. Not for me anyway.

Yes she knows I'm not happy and she isn't either. I don't think she wants it to end either. It's growing and growing in my head and getting worse. I'd love just to be able to walk away.

If I did I wouldn't be able to take the kids anywhere, I wouldn't be able to go for a pint. Any unexpected bill would cause me huge anxiety. I'd see less of the kids.

I totally agree money doesn't equate to happiness but should I be financially wreckless?

People have always done it.

Have you told her?

You're being incredibly selfish here. My ex left and is staying with his mum as the house is mine. The car is mine too. So he has nothing, and I have everything. He's going to have to rent which is an insane amount of money and after CM, he'll have next to nothing. Yet he did the decent thing and left as it's not good for the children.
You should do the right thing.

Things have changed a lot with the economy last couple of years.
Had lots of conversations with her about it. She wants me to change but doesn't want me to go. I want to go but can't without a full wage.

Read back what you said and you are calling me selfish!

my mum stayed with my dad for financial reasons, and I feel deeply for anyone who has to do this.
I’m sorry you’re going through it.

I hope she knows so she can put her ducks in a row, as well.

Thing is, my ex left, I didn't kick him out and at the time I wanted to work on it. He didn't. The house is mine, I own it. I'm not going to give it to him am I? Especially when I'm a stay at home mum with two very young children.
Yes, I'm calling you selfish for staying with a woman and giving her false hope just so you can have a pint.

Have you try to fix the relationship with your wife? Counselling?

I think she should get a say too.

And if you're earning enough that you are paying sufficient maintenance that you then wouldn't be able to afford a pint, I'd be questioning why you couldn't

Have you tried counselling??

Have you tried being open and honest with each other about this?

I mean, you might find that honesty clears the air, a new relationship is defined with new boundaries and that co-habiting becomes a lot more tolerable.

Or perhaps not.

People have always done it, mostly women. As they work part time, in order to look after the children whilst the bloke works full time, progresses, and puts money in his pension or a secret bank account. DH knows a friend who has put away £100k in secrecy.

You should split now, either that or tell her she needs to work full time and or retrain in order to maximise her income potential.

She should not be financially dependant on any man- it’s a dangerous position to be in.

“Women make a terrible mistake because they usually are so desperate to nest that they pick up on schlubs and worthless pieces of trash they pick up in a bar, and then turn around and give them the keys to their car, invite them to move in, give them a credit card, and they're surprised one day when their car is gone, their credit card is maxed, and they're alone," she said. "They seem to replicate that behavior again and again. And that frustrates me."
She went on to give advice that all women — even those who don't foolishly trust a man with everything they own — can use: "The only way it won't happen is if you equip yourself to be financially independent. Because once a woman gives up financial independence to a mate, it's over."

Women have been doing this for as long as. In fact, you may find your partner is also doing/thinking exactly as you are.

I had 5 children over 10 years. I really tried to stay although my now ex knew I was unhappy. He encouraged me to go so he could find someone else. I left/it broke down when youngest was 4. Yes it was very hard through the years of raising them and I got into debt. What I did have though was my self respect and peace of mind. I did have a good professional job. Is there any way you could increase your income?

His wife is presumably doing more of the childcare being a part timer. If he wanted a woman more his equal he should have chosen differently.

My dad told my mum years in advance that he would be leaving her after my sister and I had gone through university. I thought it was an appallingly cruel thing to do. I think what you’re planning is also cruel. Unless your wife’s on board with it, you’re effectively stealing her life, time she could perhaps spend meeting someone who does want to be with her. At the very least time when she thinks she’s in a committed relationship but actually she’s not. I think it’s the same when anyone plans years ahead to leave their partner. It means everyone’s living a lie. Abusive relationships are an exception - different considerations apply then.

I've paid for the vast majority of the house and the car. I'd let her have all the savings to buy a new car. I'd let her stay in the house and not pressure her to sell it until youngest was 18. I'm definitely not selfish.

You're staying to maintain a lifestyle not because literally you'll be so poor you couldn't survive. You resent the 3 children you produced because of maintenance. You're going to be sitting with your wife, resenting her plotting for the day your child is older so you can blindside her. You say she knows you're unhappy but so what? That's not like I'm just sitting here so you don't get to have more of my money. If you're the sort of person to plot and scheme like this, she'll probably be trying to make things better but won't know why you've checked out or why nothing is improving anything with you.

You need to tell your wife what you're planning so she gets a say in the marriage and maybe so she can improve her career instead of putting raising your children first. She's invested more of herself into this family even though you bring more money, and as soon as all your money is yours only you will fuck off and leave her after sacrificing years saving you in childcare costs and doing more of the home life to support your full time career. Just wow. Very dirty trick you're planning.

I'm sure she is.

OP says the relationship is doomed and she is aware, but wants him to stay though, and I'm guessing it's not because she's head over heels for him.

I wouldn't be keeping someone who's knowingly on his way out of the relationship for anything other than finances and an extra pair of hands.

Hopefully she'll get herself in a good position before he abandons ship.

Well done for doing that. I'm hopeful I can get another promotion. If I do, and the maintenance drops to 12% when my eldest leaves education, I should be in a strong enough position then.

I wouldn't have a bad word said about her. She has been a great mother. She has made sacrifices. I have encouraged her in the last few years to improve her career but she has been reluctant. I would never let her suffer financially no matter what. But I don't want to suffer myself either. These are unprecedented times.

I feel sorry for any woman that's ever had to do it. I know traditionally it was women. It's amazing and ironic I'm getting pelters from women for doing it. The only difference is it's not about losing the income of my partner, it's about the money I would lose via maintenance payments.