Staying in a relationship for financial reasons

[Tonto37]

With the current financial climate I think more and more people will be doing this. It can be a direct choice between being in an emotionally toxic house or having extreme financial difficulties.

What's the longest you have had to do this for? Anyone done it for a decade or more?

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. I would love to leave my partner. I won't have a bad word to say about her but the relationship is doomed. I've felt this way for the past 2 years and it's growing by the week. As for the kids, I put them on the planet so I will take responsibility and make sure I provide for them every way. Therefore it looks like I could be living with someone I don't want to for the next 10 years.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month.

I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me and I really do feel sorry for them, men and women.

Thing is i don't hold with this situation where people (of either sexes ) need a 'pass ' to go out at all - it just creates resentment unless either party generally isn't bothered. However @Tonto37 I wouldn't care if my H came in at 12.30am- but definitely wouldn't be ok if he was drunk to the point of being sick- it's grossly immature and makes them good for bugger all the next day. Couldn't you have moderated that? Or do you think it's more than this and genuinely the affection is no longer there on either side . If that's the score wouldn't it be best to try and make it amicable and financially work out what is doable. There is no need to go via CMA at 16% if an amount is decided between you and agreed on. If she gets UC on her own then this amount will be 'on top' . Also you are kind of discounting the fact that at some point you may well be with someone else and paying out may become far more 'doable' - look at house shares maybe with one other. I realise it's not ideal but you wouldn't be the first dad that's had to do it and mixed it in with the occasional night in the Premier Inn and dinner out - (and kids love that) life's too short to be unhappy and it sounds as if you are both miserable. Kids pick up on this and they won't thank you.

I mean, you could go and just dont drink so much you cannot parent your child the next day. The hassle is you not being able to control your drinking; it isnt your wife expecting you not to be a dick and drink so much everything falls on to her. That’d pretty standard in adult relationships.

how much housework do you do each day?

People have twisted themselves into all kinds of way to show the OP why he should stay.

Now he's explained how clear he's been about planning to leave, why is he still expected to stay?

In fact, I think it would be much more beneficial for his wife to be rid of a gross drunk whose ways she finds repulsive, and go about building a better and more secure life for herself. As I said initially, I can't much see there's much you can enjoy in a relationship where everyone is pulling in different directions.

I haven't been out with my friends since June 2021, so 2 years. That was the time when the Euro's was on, England were playing and I was in too much of a state to do the school run. She said then she wouldn't accept me going out again.

Before that I'd have a blow out every couple of months, though still would be back by midnight. I'd he happy for this now but she won't accept this. I was never doing it on a regular basis.

The above isn't the only issue in the relationship. It was just used as an example.

I do the clearing up after dinner every night. I clean the bathroom, downstairs toilet and hoover once a week.

On the drinking, I don't think it'll ever change. Similar to a lot of lads I know but it's more accepted by the dwives. I'm not saying it's good behaviour and as mentioned above I haven't done it for a couple of years.

She's had many years of encouragement from me and pragmatic solutions to facilitate her working more. I can be very flexible. And she'd get a decent chunk of money from me each month.

I think when people are talking about staying they are thinking of the financial impact, and rightly so. You can't go through life without giving this due care and attention. It would be wreckless.

@Tonto37
Tbh, people for generations have stayed in marriages in which they were less than happy and satisfied fbut remained for financial reasons . Prior to divorce becoming so common place and socially acceptable, and children by and large were neither traumatized nor damaged. If the adults are capable of being civil to each other and caring towards their children.

If your partner is only working part time she may have even more impetus to remain in the marriage for financial reasons. She may be feeling exactly what you are feeling but as the partner less positioned to become financially independent.

Your situation is probably fast becoming the rule than the exception.

Interesting how two of your main examples focus on alcohol. Want to leave because wife didn't like it when you used to go out every couple of months and get so drunk you'd vomit, stagger and be a write off the next day and won't leave because you'd have no money to take the DC out or go to the pub.

FWIW you'd be hard pressed to find a woman around here over 21/22 who'd be ok with you getting in such a state so regularly and then coming home to a house with children. I knew one friend from sixth form with a husband like this, they met young and married early twenties. She thought he'd grow up when they had DC. They're divorced now.

I left, which caused me a lot of financial problems. was a single parent to 2 kids. I had to live areas to afford to live but I did it.

Didn’t get any as he quit his job very frequently and flipped between employed and self employed. He didn’t really bother with the kids either. I have been on my own, with them for 6 years. Progressed my career and we are just about ok.

You haven’t told her outright you have made the decision that you don’t want to be with her. That is appalling. It IS selfish. You are keeping her in a relationship and communicating there’s hope when there’s non. By staying you are saying the door is open to you working on the relationship together. And refuse to do something as basic as communicate properly and stop getting drunk until you vomit.

You believe she is controlling. I expect she sees that she hates you going out as it’s stresses her out that she and the kids will be at home while you vomit because you can’t control your drinking. And your answer is ‘accept me as I am or split’. I would bet money she calls time well before you do.

The problem is, kids always pick up on this stuff. They will pick up on her distress that she wants it to work and getting nothing back. Your resentment that you can’t get drunk. Or feel you can’t go out. Or feel you don’t have freedom. There’s also a good chance one of you will meet someone else, that makes you realise you want more which would be a worse situation. You are going to cause your kids damage.

All along it’s what’s best for you. But you won’t have the conversation with her so she can do the same. She is still considering you in her long term plans.

It’s actually coming across as though you simply don’t want to be the one that ends it and is trying to push her too.

I get staying together for finances. Pretending you are actually in a proper relationship with her when you aren’t, is awful.

I assume you will be celibate for the next 10 years too?

@Tonto37 my son was in a similar position and same age as you (I'm presuming you are 37- I may be wrong)

He has 2 children, one by his ex and one with current partner

When they split up he ended up renting somewhere (not great but ok) and after bills and rent and maintanance was getting by on £450 a month and needed a car to get to work 12 miles away. (Not on train or bus) . It was a killer for him I know but he remained an amazing dad and 5 years later still is. She wanted him out for no other reason I believe than just didn't feel the same.

He then met his current partner and is on a better position, still tight but more doable.

Personally I don't think you are doing each other any favours here, it's clear there's not much love. Have a think about what options there may be.

Can I also just mention your use of the word 'lads' - That May be how you see it , but to be honest that's also a mentality and partly why you feel the need to go out and get pissed- It's not big and it's not compulsory and if you get together with someone else you might want to think about this from the set off- most women don't have an issue with a guy going out reasonably regularly with mates but most women over a certain age with a modicum of self respect and who are worth having a relationship with aren't that keen on blokes who come home pissed off their head and being sick either. Your wife has probably gone the other way now and because of past episodes imposed rules that aren't remotely reasonable either.

I hope she leaves you. That's no way to treat another person.

I'm leaving in the next couple of months with my kids. We'll coparent as good friends. Life is too short.

Personally I believe in radical honesty and so it's not right to stay for financial reason only when you are done.

I didn't wait any time. I was unhappy, so when he asked me, I told him no, I didn't love him as I should. We discussed it and there was no going back so we were done. Even though I still loved him in a way. but not as a husband.

Yeah, we both had fuck all for a bit. But you downsize, you lower your expectations, you learn how 'stuff' (including holidays and outings) isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The number of cherished memories my son has that are just random shit of when we were messing about with a blocked hose, or a school 'snow day', or trying to get the cat in! They outweigh the Center Parcs holidays and so on by a mile.

Split up amicably and be a genuinely good person instead of pretending to be one by sticking to her rules whilst planning to shaft her.

Being with someone for a better financial position? That's called escorting/prostitution isn't it?

I understand why people stay or why they encourage others to.

Thing is though, it's usually more cowardly to stay than it is reckless to go.

I left my ex 8 years ago because he was one of those big important men with a big important job etc. In his mind he didn't need to be anything else, because he provided well and I had an otherwise good support system.

Well, I took my daughter and part-time job and went on about my business. Yes i struggled, but it gave me the impetus to up my hours, change jobs and now I'm furthering my studies to better my circumstances even more.

I can't even fathom putting up with drunkenness, resentment and someone who's half out the door. That seems far more reckless than being poorer for a while 😔.

Thanks for all the messages. Some have been very direct and having a go at me but I appreciate your honesty. I'm going to roll the dice, huge gamble but fortune favours the brave

Mine too

My honest reaction is that you are probably a better man than you let yourself be. You have been given quite a hard time on this thread, but responded well and kept calm. Your instincts are good (be financially responsible, encourage your wife to develop her career and to raise your children) but they are clouded by ideas of ‘freedom’ being equated to laddish behaviour, running with the herd, drinking until your head spins and your guts churn. You are now holding on to resentment that you can’t go out and do this, which is poisoning your relationship with the woman you loved enough to bring new life into the world.

What do you want to be able to say about yourself when all is done and you look back on your life?

What could ‘freedom’ mean instead? Music, art, running, hiking, friendships that aren’t formed at the bottom of a glass…

What example do you want to show your children?

Write your own obituary and see if you want to change anything in it.

Women stay for financial reasons all the time and it's actively encouraged on MN. I've never once seen anyone advise a female poster to inform her husband she was only staying until the kids hit 18. Some very biased responses on this post.

That being said, I do think she should know where she stands and I'd say that to a female OP too. It sounds like you are both unhappy in the marriage and maybe she would be happy to keep the status quo until the children grow up while being able to properly plan for her future, knowing you would not be around to support her after a certain point.

@MaybeDoctor such a good post and what I was trying to say earlier- but you phrased it better. I can kind of understand someone wanting freedom to develop themselves a bit or vary up a dull life - but in order to just go and get pissed a bit more-I think May long term be a disappointment!

@InBedBy10
There are very few intelligent women who cannot surmise what their financial circumstances would be should they divorce.

The OP's wife could have an epiphany tomorrow and decide that she wants a divorce.

She knows that both if them are unhappy. He has raised the possibility of divorce. There really isn't any thing else that he should have to say. She , by only working part-time is effectively limiting her future prospects in the workplace, but she is willingly and willfully making that choice. It is not the OP's obligation to care more about her than she cares for herself.

If she is willing to put herself if that position , she must think that to be an acceptable position in which to find one's self.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4714353-staying-in-a-relationship-for-financial-security

The difference between how I was treated is laughable. The thread title is even the same. Shows the incredible bias.

Actually there’s a lot of people that talk about how they should be on the same page.

and that woman is planning on staying. There’s no hint the relationship is over in every sense. No one, mentioned in that thread, is staying until the kids grow up and then leaving. No one has already checked out and planned their leaving, but keeping it a secret.

That marriage may not be perfect, whose is? but they both seem content to continue.

and also there’s not young kids involved who are having poor relationships modelled to them. No parent prior using being ‘a lad’. No parent getting stressed at the other going and trying to stop them. No parent refusing to go out, have a good time, come home and not throw up.

It’s not really similar.

In that thread the woman isnt planning on walking out as soon as the child is 18. She is staying married. She also isnt an out of control drunk.

An out of control drunk that used to go out every few months and hasn't been out for 2 years. Haha brilliant 👏👏👏