Staying in a relationship for financial reasons

[Tonto37]

With the current financial climate I think more and more people will be doing this. It can be a direct choice between being in an emotionally toxic house or having extreme financial difficulties.

What's the longest you have had to do this for? Anyone done it for a decade or more?

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. I would love to leave my partner. I won't have a bad word to say about her but the relationship is doomed. I've felt this way for the past 2 years and it's growing by the week. As for the kids, I put them on the planet so I will take responsibility and make sure I provide for them every way. Therefore it looks like I could be living with someone I don't want to for the next 10 years.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month.

I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me and I really do feel sorry for them, men and women.

You say you put your kids on the planet so will provide for them, but won't leave you wife until the kids are past the age you have to pay maintenance. Feels a bit off in terms of values..

Because financial problems are my other option in an unprecedented financial crisis

I think it’s very cruel plotting to leave your wife and selfishly just thinking about your finances. What about her finances, future and pension? It sounds like you are using her for childcare and planning on leaving her penniless. You sound charming.

Not really. She'll get all the savings to buy a car. She'll get half the house when it's sold. If I left she'd get to live in the house for many years without pressure to sell. I'd never see her struggle. just I'm really worried of how much I'd struggle with paying 16% of my income in maintenance

And what about her struggle on NMW? Unless you give her warning you are definitely planning on leaving her (which will require a spine) you aren’t giving her the heads up to better herself so she can have a stable future too. You need to think about your wife in all this, not just yourself.

You're getting a rough ride here OP. I'm in a similar position as a woman, and have sympathy. Without children and a lot of sunk cost in our living arrangements, my H and I would have split 6 years ago. As it is, we're housemates and companions. It's not ideal. But it's better than losing everything I've worked for and only seeing the kids half time.

MN tends to be very black and white, especially to male posters, but there are shades of grey here.

I'm staying until our fixed rate mortgage ends in 18 months. It's relatively amicable since we decided to do this but I still get some reminders of why I have to leave.

I agree

I think you’re right @Tonto37 . Many people are forced into it because like it or not, living with MW is hard at the mo.

Where I think I disagree with your approach is that you haven’t accepted that you won’t be separating for a while.
if you want that situation to be manageable, you can’t stay and so end your days wishing you weren’t there. You need to find a way to make it nice enough. Not the ‘im in live with you and you are tte best that happened to me’ but at least a cohabiting situation where you get along together.
And I think this will require some work both from you and her.

Otherwise you’ll spend the next 10 years fighting. And it’s not going to be ok. Neither for you, for your partner or for the dcs.

Thanks for your balanced words and seeing both sides. I hope your situation can improve soon. It's ironic in a way that a man is getting pelters for not leaving for financial reasons, given historically it's been women.

You know there is also something about the fact the dwife here has agency.
She KNOWS things are not good. They’ve talked about it.
Surely, it’s also up to her to grow a spine (to use your words) and protect herself. To realise that working part time in a MW is a dangerous position when your marriage is struggling and you know it because you’ve discussed it.
We’re not talking about a situation where it will come out of the blue (like with an affair for example).

Thanks for your pragmatic and considered post. I think you are right. I need to come to terms with staying and make the best of it, rather than resenting it. I'll always encourage her to be financially independent

Thanks for recognising this. That and I've encouraged her many times to choose a career path, to be ambitious. The kids are 14 and 8, we have support from family now for childcare. 4-5 years ago she couldn't have worked full time.

I think that it unfair to you, your partner and your children to stay in a relationship that not good for what ever reason or number of reasons. As your kids get older they will notice that you don't want to be their or feel the tension between you.

Rather than you saying that your unhappy to her and her telling you she does not want to leave why don't you attend couples counseling and try to work on your relationship?
You may decide after this that it would be better to split up and you can work on doing this in fair way.

You said your partner earns nmw in her part time job and you earn more. Are you entitled to any benefits? If you split up could your partner get benefits or help with housing costs?
I think that you both need to look into this.

If you can't afford to this as yet could you both work towards upskilling to get a better jobs?
If you split up tell your children together and let them know what going to happen next. See them and do things with them. Don't be the couple that are fighting and bad mouthing each other when you each have the kids on your own. Your kids deserve better than this.

I think that their are a lot of couples in your situation.

This makes me so sad, life is too short to be miserable.

Unfortunately I do know many women in this position and usually they’re SAHP and know that if they end their relationship they will have to go back to work and pay all of the bills etc themselves.
There are regular threads about this.

As a single parent I can’t ever imagine not loving my life.
Yes financially I am not as well off as a 2 parent family but I’m happy.

I think you’re going to make yourself ill if you stay and it may be better for you and your wife having a discussion about ending the relationship and simply cohabiting.

People do this and seem much happier than carrying on living a lie.

I'd never have a bad word to say about her. I've encouraged her to upskill many times but she hasn't wanted to do it. She would be entitled to benefits should we separate. There is scope to increase her hours as well. Also she'd get a steady maintenance payment from me.

@Ihadenough22 the problem here is that you have no idea what the dwife wants.

If the OP was deciding deciding to be fair to everyone and leave now, what would it mean to her?
A part time job, little money. Some UC but not much.
How can you be so sure that life will be better for her once they’ve split up?

As far as I’m concerned, in those situations, each partner should take responsibility fir their own life. If staying seems to be the right choice (eg tge OP), then it’s they’re choice.
If his dwife thinks it’s unfair, she has the choice to say NO. The situation isn’t good enough for me. I want a divorce. If she wants to stay she can too. And clearly, just now, she is choosing to stay. As is her choice really.

Taking a decision on what you think is better for someone else is a recipe for disaster.
Each person should take responsibility for their own happiness and act appropriately

I agree. There are so many threads exactly like this from women here every week.

If you had the children 50/50, as in real 50/50 then you wouldn't need to pay maintenance

Your wife could progress in her career so when you do waltz out benefitting from all the time your career has progressed her's would have as well. Yours not AS much but a more balanced long term future for both parents of your children.

My H is the sole earner, but it's a decent earn, he could not do it without me doing everything else, apart from being a dad, he does the dad bit, and the husband bit, and cars and shelves and audio visual. But he doesn't ever wash socks. Ever. Our lives are better as a team, we are richer as a team, our kids are richer with us as a team. But if we were to split there is no way he would allow me to work NMW forever. He is a true old fashioned perhaps, gallant gentleman.

Do what is right OP.
Not what is easy.

And certainly not what is just easy financially.

But is OP saying "I am intending to leave in 10 years after I no longer have to pay child maintenance". Or is OP just saying "our relationship is on the rocks but for the kids financially we should stick it out until youngster is 18"

Same result.

Different truths.

And Tbf too, he also states that he would support her working full time and develop her career….
So the ‘if you leave her, she’ll finally be able to have career’ doesn’t work.

And she might not want to do 50/50 with the OP. Like many mothers, she might well find that idea excruciating.
She might not want the opportunity for a career.

I mean, the idea if a 50/50 might be her idea if hell!

In which case, do you really think that advising the OP to separate and go 50/50 so he doesn’t pay maintenance is tight and fair on her??

Thanks for seeing things in a balanced way, not just automatically taking the women's side. Your posts are thought provoking and have helped me. You haven't always just agreed with me but can see the logic.

The most important question is does she know you are only staying for financial reasons and will leave if/when they subside? And no, her knowing you are unhappy is not enough. Have you been straight and honest? Surely she deserves at least that? You are talking about 10yrs of her life here.
Is it only maintenance that’s holding you back? Cause I assure you they don’t stop costing after 18. What if they go to uni? If you had them 50/50 then there’s no need for maintenance.

Be careful OP, I was/am in a similar position to you a few years back. I couldn't afford to fund two houses so would not have been able to do 50/50. I would have been stuck in a flat share/bedsit without seeing DC other than EOW for years. So I stayed.

Since then DW has developed a lifelong medical condition and I am now looking at a lifetime of caring responsibilities even after the DCs are independent. You never know what is round the corner and how much guilt can control your life.

FWIW, I did try all manner of efforts to fix things between DW and I, but we are now effectively respectful co-parents who live together. It's not a happy marriage from my perspective, but I'm practicing acceptance as best I can.

Or possibly get yourself some sort of side hustle to make some extra £££. We get one life and it's ours to live to best of ability. Please don't underestimate the stress you will be in either way and the impact that can have on your health.