Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying in a relationship for financial reasons

229 replies

Tonto37 · 09/06/2023 18:31

With the current financial climate I think more and more people will be doing this. It can be a direct choice between being in an emotionally toxic house or having extreme financial difficulties.

What's the longest you have had to do this for? Anyone done it for a decade or more?

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. I would love to leave my partner. I won't have a bad word to say about her but the relationship is doomed. I've felt this way for the past 2 years and it's growing by the week. As for the kids, I put them on the planet so I will take responsibility and make sure I provide for them every way. Therefore it looks like I could be living with someone I don't want to for the next 10 years.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month.

I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me and I really do feel sorry for them, men and women.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 05/12/2023 20:06

SharSharBinks · 05/12/2023 19:52

Life's too short. You may look back at some point and wish you'd not wasted years.

If I leave they'll also be wasted years though. It's not like I can afford to go anywhere or do anything.

OP posts:
Colinfromaccounts · 05/12/2023 20:44

This is a horrific thing to do to anyone, man or woman. Its so selfish, all your reasons are all about you. If you still care about your wife you should break up with her now and give her a chance to maximise her earning potential while she still has time on her side.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 05/12/2023 20:45

Colinfromaccounts · 05/12/2023 20:44

This is a horrific thing to do to anyone, man or woman. Its so selfish, all your reasons are all about you. If you still care about your wife you should break up with her now and give her a chance to maximise her earning potential while she still has time on her side.

Great morals. But they don't pay the bills.

what about the financials?

OP posts:
1975wasthebest · 05/12/2023 21:20

Colinfromaccounts · 05/12/2023 20:44

This is a horrific thing to do to anyone, man or woman. Its so selfish, all your reasons are all about you. If you still care about your wife you should break up with her now and give her a chance to maximise her earning potential while she still has time on her side.

OP has encouraged his partner several times to retrain or up her hours but she doesn’t want to.

Quitelikeit · 05/12/2023 22:05

Have you considered if you leave your partner will be entitled to universal credit and a single persons discount on her council tax bill?

She may also be entitled to a whole heap of other things depending on her income

I think it was really important what a pp said about her husband going after 20 years and leaving her in an impossible position with regards to retraining etc

I do think there are other ways than the one you are considering

And no point people giving you a hard time re thd kids - many would prefer their mother and childhood home to a 50/50 set up.

You might find she is more reasonable than you think if you explained the predicament to her. I mean offering her the home etc there are various things you could suggest. You can only try to talk about it. She can’t realistically kick you out - well not legally.

Quitelikeit · 05/12/2023 22:05

And also the car. It’s not like you’d be leaving her in the lurch completely.

Colinfromaccounts · 06/12/2023 15:53

Tonto37 · 05/12/2023 20:45

Great morals. But they don't pay the bills.

what about the financials?

Show quote history

that's just the way the cookie crumbles, you're not the only person in the world who can't afford the life they'd like. Instead you are ruining someone else's life so that you can be more comfortable.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 06/12/2023 16:02

Quitelikeit · 05/12/2023 22:05

Have you considered if you leave your partner will be entitled to universal credit and a single persons discount on her council tax bill?

She may also be entitled to a whole heap of other things depending on her income

I think it was really important what a pp said about her husband going after 20 years and leaving her in an impossible position with regards to retraining etc

I do think there are other ways than the one you are considering

And no point people giving you a hard time re thd kids - many would prefer their mother and childhood home to a 50/50 set up.

You might find she is more reasonable than you think if you explained the predicament to her. I mean offering her the home etc there are various things you could suggest. You can only try to talk about it. She can’t realistically kick you out - well not legally.

If I put my cards on the table, believe me it's goodnight Vienna for me living there. You are right that I wouldn't be leaving her in the lurch completely. I wouldn't do that.

What concerns me more is my eldest DD. She has been having a difficult time at school with then bullys. A few months ago I was hopeful things would improve but I don't think they will. She has a year and a half school left. I couldn't do it while she is going through this, my conscience won't let me.

What also concerns me is leaving and looking back and regretting it. But the flip side of that is also terrifying, being a bitter old man that wishes he left many moons ago but is now too old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 06/12/2023 16:04

Colinfromaccounts · 06/12/2023 15:53

that's just the way the cookie crumbles, you're not the only person in the world who can't afford the life they'd like. Instead you are ruining someone else's life so that you can be more comfortable.

Show quote history

I think you are underestimating the cost of living crisis.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 06/12/2023 20:02

Epidote · 05/12/2023 07:10

@Tonto37 it seems like you are somehow giving up. Ten years ago I was unemployed with less that 200 pounds. Now I got a mortgaged house. There are opportunities to improve outside the comfort zone. Sometimes we have to make decisions that are not fantastic in the short term but are good for the rest of our lives.

You can stay if that is your decision, your married won't be the only one that it is alive for others reasons beside the love. But there are options as well.

Think about it and good luck with whatever you decided at the end.

Thanks for your kind words and well done for turning things around. I think it's a dark 5-10 years ahead no matter what I do

OP posts:
MagicBullet · 06/12/2023 21:17

@Tonto37 first if all I want to command you to still be on this thread, still answering questions, still been engaged in the discussion!

I want to say, I think that, in some ways, you are making things too complicated.
Just now you have two issues

  • whether you stay or not (and fir how long)
  • if you leave, how to deal with the guilt of having preserved yourself (financially, emotionally etc..) whilst being aware of the impact fir your dwife and your dcs.
I’d look into counselling to solve the first issue. You seem to be adamant, this is the end of the road for you whilst having worries about regretting it and at the same time, putting all the barriers possible to actually do it (you’ve used your dd as an excuse - the bullies -, finances, wanting to leave your dwife with a lump sum etc….). You are basically saying one thing but doing something else!

The guilt itself will ease when you have more clarity Imo. And having stopped the alcohol will help too (and again well done with that!!).
In the mean time, if you carry on living your life wanting to be somewhere else or thinking of ‘the next step closer’ to being divorced, you’ll get mad.
Instead, I’d put the divorce at the back of your mind. Work of improving your financial situation as a family. Sit down with your dwife and talk about possibilities. Your wish to get a promotion. How could she get a better paid job, more hours, a career. How can you organise your life so it’s manageable. Believe your dwife will be delighted if you come and tell her you want to share more if the load! (And do it too)
You can highlight what I mentioned upthread, pension, the risk if, for whatever reason, you can’t work anymore etc… all very valid to review in the middle if CoL crisis.
This will help you now. And it will help you later.

But I think that if everything you do is always with this ‘one more step towards freedom’ attitude, you’ll struggle. You’ll struggle to not drink again. You’ll struggle to be nice to your dwife and this will impact your dcs too. And yes you’ll become bitter.
If you decide to stay fir another 2, 5 years, you need to accept you’ll stay for another 5 years and stop dreaming about leaving. Counselling would help you there too!

Original poster
Tonto37 · 07/12/2023 07:40

MagicBullet · 06/12/2023 21:17

@Tonto37 first if all I want to command you to still be on this thread, still answering questions, still been engaged in the discussion!

I want to say, I think that, in some ways, you are making things too complicated.
Just now you have two issues

  • whether you stay or not (and fir how long)
  • if you leave, how to deal with the guilt of having preserved yourself (financially, emotionally etc..) whilst being aware of the impact fir your dwife and your dcs.
I’d look into counselling to solve the first issue. You seem to be adamant, this is the end of the road for you whilst having worries about regretting it and at the same time, putting all the barriers possible to actually do it (you’ve used your dd as an excuse - the bullies -, finances, wanting to leave your dwife with a lump sum etc….). You are basically saying one thing but doing something else!

The guilt itself will ease when you have more clarity Imo. And having stopped the alcohol will help too (and again well done with that!!).
In the mean time, if you carry on living your life wanting to be somewhere else or thinking of ‘the next step closer’ to being divorced, you’ll get mad.
Instead, I’d put the divorce at the back of your mind. Work of improving your financial situation as a family. Sit down with your dwife and talk about possibilities. Your wish to get a promotion. How could she get a better paid job, more hours, a career. How can you organise your life so it’s manageable. Believe your dwife will be delighted if you come and tell her you want to share more if the load! (And do it too)
You can highlight what I mentioned upthread, pension, the risk if, for whatever reason, you can’t work anymore etc… all very valid to review in the middle if CoL crisis.
This will help you now. And it will help you later.

But I think that if everything you do is always with this ‘one more step towards freedom’ attitude, you’ll struggle. You’ll struggle to not drink again. You’ll struggle to be nice to your dwife and this will impact your dcs too. And yes you’ll become bitter.
If you decide to stay fir another 2, 5 years, you need to accept you’ll stay for another 5 years and stop dreaming about leaving. Counselling would help you there too!

Thanks so much for your input to this thread. It has been really helpful, a credit to the forum.

I had counselling around 18 months ago and it really helped. I think I might have some again. I can get it through work.

After I started this thread in early June, around late June I was at the closest point to leave at the point where I was going to shout the youngsters down the stairs, so that I could tell them. But she panicked and stopped me. After that I felt a mixture of relief and regret. I didn't have the strength to carry on to leave. Then after this moment I was able to put the thoughts and feelings back to my mind. I felt better for a few months but like waves it keeps coming back. Hence why I got back on the thread.

The first point you made on leaving. It's not whether I will but when I will. It will never be easy but the barriers that are there now won't be as high as the years go on.

You are absolutely right though and it's my biggest takeaway that if I'm not going to go now I need to make the best of the life I have here, be the best version of myself and help her as much as possible to be independent. To enjoy being a dad. Otherwise I am going to go mad.

The constant thoughts of leaving are really damaging my mental health. Every milestone is utterly miserable. I'm 40 in 2 years, really dread that. I am struggling to be 'present in the moment'. I feel like I'm trapped in a cage and acting every day. I'm really not looking forward to Christmas. I have no desire to for sex with her or to have 'date nights.' I really need to snap out of this and make an effort. I think there's a disconnect between my conscience and subconscious, one is telling me to stay the other to leave. The thoughts of leaving are more glorified than what the reality would be. I need to keep reminding myself that I would be very miserable leaving and I wouldn't be able to socialise or date or anything like that. Once my subconscious absorbs that I might be more at peace.

Anyway thanks so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 07/12/2023 08:22

And further to the above, going back to alcohol hasn't really tempted me. The reason is I'd be scared to have it. In this mental state, it's a defense mechanism to stay away from it. I am sleeping much better and it's helped. Probably given me more clarity though which sometimes isn't a good thing!

I know I've said it previous posts it feels like I'm caged, like in prison. This is an analogy....I need to embrace my prison sentence, use the time to develop myself and those close around me. I need to try and have a smile on my face and enjoy the process, live in the moment. Whereas right now I'm bitter, moping about my cell, constantly thinking about whether I'm going to get out.

OP posts:
mrsmingleton · 07/12/2023 08:29

Tonto37 · 09/06/2023 18:41

Yes she knows I'm not happy and she isn't either. I don't think she wants it to end either. It's growing and growing in my head and getting worse. I'd love just to be able to walk away.

If I did I wouldn't be able to take the kids anywhere, I wouldn't be able to go for a pint. Any unexpected bill would cause me huge anxiety. I'd see less of the kids.

Show quote history

You won't be able to go for a pint?

Original poster
Tonto37 · 07/12/2023 08:34

mrsmingleton · 07/12/2023 08:29

You won't be able to go for a pint?

Show quote history

Nope I wouldn't have the disposable income to socialise, date or have hobbies, anything like that.

OP posts:
Lili132 · 07/12/2023 12:03

MagicBullet · 05/12/2023 08:35

What do you call ‘living your life’ though?

Are we talking putting food on the table and having the heating on or are we talking having a holiday once a year, going out to the pub etc…?

You’re never going to keep the same standard of living once you are single again unless it’s your dwife that takes on all the burden of raising your two dcs.
I suspect this would be the same re the mental load, time for yourself etc…

Show quote history

It's OK for people to expect more from life then food on the table and roof over their heads. It's probably not about a pint in the pub but about being able to socialise occasionally, abe to go out, maybe date etc, also having some money in case of emergencies etc. I doubt OP means luxuries or high standard of living just - living.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 07/12/2023 12:59

Lili132 · 07/12/2023 12:03

It's OK for people to expect more from life then food on the table and roof over their heads. It's probably not about a pint in the pub but about being able to socialise occasionally, abe to go out, maybe date etc, also having some money in case of emergencies etc. I doubt OP means luxuries or high standard of living just - living.

Show quote history

Exactly. As you say, I want to be able to take the DCs, go out with friends or date. I don't expect a champagne lifestyle by any means. I'll have to keep money back for emergencies for the house I wouldn't be living in as well, until she would buy it off me.

Sometimes when I dream of being free my mind wanders and I delude myself that I'd be ok. But the numbers don't stack up. It would be very miserable, potentially worse than the current situation. It's getting that into my subconscious mind that I'm struggling with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 07/12/2023 18:37

feellikeanalien · 05/12/2023 20:02

So your plan is not to tell her until your youngest is 18 that you are going to leave. She will be left on NMW, she will be unlikely to get a mortgage with a part time job and a low salary. She will also be entitled to benefits for a single person only as the children will both be over 18 and there will be no maintenance payments. She will be entitled to a rental amount in UC for a one bedroom place as you have said you will sell the house when the youngest is 18.

If you really want to be fair to her you have to tell her. She probably doesn't believe in her heart that you will actually leave. If, as you say, things have improved she might even believe that you are trying to save the relationship.

You will be in a better financial situation with your improved salary and the sale proceeds from the house but she is going to be screwed.

Yes in an ideal world she would be ensuring that she is in a financially secure position but you need to be honest with her so that she is fully informed. She needs to get a full time job now. You are basically protecting your own interests and pretending to her that you still want to be in the marriage. I call that downright cruel.

The mortgage at that point would be very small so wouldn't take much for her to buy it off me.

I'm sick of acting it's horrible. It's actually making me feel physically ill. But the alternative is just as horrific.

OP posts:
Lili132 · 09/12/2023 12:51

Tonto37 · 07/12/2023 12:59

Exactly. As you say, I want to be able to take the DCs, go out with friends or date. I don't expect a champagne lifestyle by any means. I'll have to keep money back for emergencies for the house I wouldn't be living in as well, until she would buy it off me.

Sometimes when I dream of being free my mind wanders and I delude myself that I'd be ok. But the numbers don't stack up. It would be very miserable, potentially worse than the current situation. It's getting that into my subconscious mind that I'm struggling with.

Show quote history

It's hard to advise you on the numbers without knowing the details. It could be a matter of budgeting better or like you say it just won't add up. Keep in mind she might be entitled to benefits and you will have much less expenses as a single person - less spent on food and bills, council tax discount etc.

If you can do that it would be helpful if you could talk to her openly. Make a decision and plan together accordingly.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 09/12/2023 13:20

Lili132 · 09/12/2023 12:51

It's hard to advise you on the numbers without knowing the details. It could be a matter of budgeting better or like you say it just won't add up. Keep in mind she might be entitled to benefits and you will have much less expenses as a single person - less spent on food and bills, council tax discount etc.

If you can do that it would be helpful if you could talk to her openly. Make a decision and plan together accordingly.

Show quote history

As it stands I'm on just over 36k. Live in the north where it's obviously a lot cheaper than the south east. I've spoken to single friends about how much they spend on food shopping and taken into account the council tax discount. It would be a hell of a struggle.

The 16% maintenance is the difference between being able to live relatively comfortably and just survival. I know single people on the same wage as me and they're living ok but if you took 400-500 a month off them it would be a different story.

OP posts:
Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 13:34

Staying in situations like this builds resentment, hatred and lack of respect. Awful way to live. Shame that money is your priority instead of happiness. I’ve a friend like this. She’s got worse and worse the older she gets. Bitter, twisted and jealous of everyone

Original poster
Tonto37 · 09/12/2023 13:44

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 13:34

Staying in situations like this builds resentment, hatred and lack of respect. Awful way to live. Shame that money is your priority instead of happiness. I’ve a friend like this. She’s got worse and worse the older she gets. Bitter, twisted and jealous of everyone

Edited

Very true that the situation is grim. As for the money, see my post above. It's not as simple as "choosing happiness." I'd not be able to go anywhere or do anything. It would just like going from the fire into the frying pan, swapping one problem for the other. So it becomes a choice of which problem is worse, and there's a cost of living crisis going on.

OP posts:
Hastheslotharrivedyet · 09/12/2023 13:51

@Tonto37 Well that’s true. I feel sorry for your predicament. Nothing further to add other than to say life is short

MagicBullet · 09/12/2023 18:52

£36k per year, £500 CM per month will leave you with £1900 per month to live on.
As a single person, it will be ok. Esp in the north of England.

From your description, I thought you were on MW or close to. At £1400/month, then yes I can see how £400 would be a make or break situation.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 09/12/2023 19:03

MagicBullet · 09/12/2023 18:52

£36k per year, £500 CM per month will leave you with £1900 per month to live on.
As a single person, it will be ok. Esp in the north of England.

From your description, I thought you were on MW or close to. At £1400/month, then yes I can see how £400 would be a make or break situation.

Close . With tax, NI, pension contributions and CM I'd have around 1800.

OP posts: