Staying in a relationship for financial reasons

[Tonto37]

With the current financial climate I think more and more people will be doing this. It can be a direct choice between being in an emotionally toxic house or having extreme financial difficulties.

What's the longest you have had to do this for? Anyone done it for a decade or more?

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. I would love to leave my partner. I won't have a bad word to say about her but the relationship is doomed. I've felt this way for the past 2 years and it's growing by the week. As for the kids, I put them on the planet so I will take responsibility and make sure I provide for them every way. Therefore it looks like I could be living with someone I don't want to for the next 10 years.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month.

I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me and I really do feel sorry for them, men and women.

You havent been out in two years because you cannot control yourself when you do.

I'm not leaving just for the freedom of being to go for a few beers with my friends. There's more to it than that. I used it as an example and people just jumped all over it.

I'm looking forward to leaving and the challenges ahead.

No more than most do. Not saying it's right to get drunk but if you go to the city centre tonight, your telling me none of them are dads? And like I say it was every couple of months, not every week.And it didn't happen every time I went out. There'll be many women on here whose fella like a bevvy now and again and sometimes over indulge. It's nothing to get hung about.

I don’t see why you can’t have a calm adult conversation about splitting up. There would be several solutions to work through until one was reached that you both agree on.
The thing is , if she knows it is over, it may well change how she views her life and her work prospects.
It’s more honest for both of you to know where you stand. When you make this plan all on your own it isn’t fair to her and to the children. To have the conversation honestly would clear the air and give you both a common goal to work towards.
Maybe a decent councillor would help you both to communicate more effectively and work out some achievable goals. That would be so much healthier than sitting on your secret plan for ten years.

Having a 'bevvy' doesn't have to end in rolling up drunk and vomiting everywhere? Or being so hungover that you can't manage your commitments the following day?

If it's about more than being able to go out for a bevvy @Tonto37 ( and I have some sympathy with that if it's a rare thing) then it might have been good to state the other main issues- I think there's a fair few women on here who have had bad experiences with guys with big drink problems, so they naturally can be a bit touchy if that seems to be your focus- at the end of the day though you clearly aren't happy so it's up to the two of you to find a way you can co parent amicably within the budgetary constraints there are. All I will say is be fair and kind and look after them as best as is possible

No some of us are making the decision to split up when we know how hard it will be financially. I was bought up by a single mum, I'm going to be a single mum to DC with SEN, I am disabled and unable to work, you have no idea what that is like. Financially me and DC will go from being ok to things being precarious. Stbxh would have gone on for the money, even though he'll be comfortable he's still telling DC he doesn't make much and we have no money and worrying them about it.

I know what it feels like for every week to be a precarious balance financially, it's scary. You, like Stbxh will still be better off financially than her, she is much more financially vulnerable than you. What you're doing isn't ok, but it's clear you have no intention of giving her a heads up and will excuse yourself with these excuses if she ends up in a financial mess when you decide to finally be honest and tell her you're done.

I asked a question earlier that you probably missed. Are you remaining celibate until you split?

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite i wish all the best and hope things will work out well for you.

Id like to point out though that a big difference here is that YOU decided to leave. I think it’s important and really not the same than when your partner decides to leave and you end up struggling the way you describe.

And whilst for some people like you, it’s the right choice. For others, it is not what they decide to do.

i don’t think there is anything right or wrong with the decision of staying at this time.

I do think that assuming that, because it’s the right decision for you, then it’s the right decision for everyone.

Yes. I certainly wouldn't do it with anyone else. I stopped initiating anything with her but sometimes she asks me though not regularly. I'm not too bothered.

The OP wants to leave he's just delaying things till it suits him and stringing his wife along.. My answer was to his post saying we're all sitting at home in our financially comfortable bubbles judging him and so don't understand what he's facing. You can't justify stringing someone along for years because you're scared of financial hardship. It's a shitty way to behave whatever your gender.

And when she asks you say no?

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite
How is he stringing his wife along. She knows that he is unhappy. She herself has with good cause been unhappy. She now has to ask him to occasionally have sex with her. What about this situation screams permanence to any rational person, man or woman?

Any sane person would be asking themselves, how will I fare if and when this happens? Neither he nor his wife needs a date certain to know in what situation they will find themselves when that date arrives. They do not need an announcement as to the particular date of the inevitable.
Any man or woman who chooses not to work or to work part-time , is making the decision that it is someone else's responsibility to support them be that spouse, partner, parent, or the government.

It is presumptive to assume that the wife is so naive that she is oblivious to the reality that is facing both of them. She may have decided that when her spouse no longer contributes it will become the responsibility of family or the government.

It must be really difficult for you. I really hope things go well for you. You are going through a lot with the disability, being on your own and money worries to add to it. I acknowledge you are aware of what it's like to experience hardship. I think on this board in general though people are very blasé about finances when it comes to leaving. People giving examples of years ago as well, the financial landscape has changed so much lately.

I know it's bad what I've been doing, just stringing them along, waiting for the moment. In a way this calculated way is worse than cheating on someone because it robs years from their life. Whereas cheats because of their impulsive nature often get caught and things end earlier.

Sometimes I try to avoid it, other times I'll do it

Thanks for your post Mari. It has made me feel a bit better about myself. You are right that the writing really is out on the wall. My demeanour, all the signs.I've done everything except say it. I still feel bad for not saying it but she must be thinking the clock is ticking.

What is bad imo isn’t the ‘stringing along’.

Its deciding to stay but be an arse and a pain to your dwife because things are not like you’d like them to be.
It’s refusing to change (you’ve given the going out example but said there are other things too….) so the situation stays the same and it’s hurting your dwife.

Basically it feels like you are making life at home hard work so SHE takes the decision to separate rather you taking the responsibility. And then you’ll be able to play the victim??

Just thought I'd give a quick update.

I stopped drinking alcohol a few weeks after my last message on this thread. Whilst I didn't go out often before, I was often drinking in the house.

I still don't want to live here and sometimes it gets me down but stopping alcohol has really helped. We've been getting along better and I've been more productive, a better parent.

It's my works Christmas party in a couple of weeks and told them I'm not going. It's simply not worth it.

I'm doing well at work and hoping to give her a decent lump sum to go with her maintenance payments when I do leave, as well as letting her stay in the family home and not having to sell it for a decade.

I'm not bothered about living a rich lifestyle, but unwilling to risk being in poverty to leave. The reality is the maintenance payments would put me in a vulnerable position.

Oh well done! That is amazing.

A couple of years ago I decided that I would never drink on a ‘work night’, so I only ever drink a glass of wine on a Friday or Saturday night, or when we’re on holiday. I sometimes find it tedious and want to rebel against my own rule 😂but it makes such a difference.

Thanks I've been tempted but it's got easier as time has went on. Best thing I've done for my wellbeing. Anyone who is in a difficult relationship needs to be extra careful with their wellbeing

First of all, well done with stopping drinking! It will have a huge difference to you, your dwife and your dcs!

I have a question for you though.
You said your dwife is working part time on minimum wage. Have you told your dwife about your plan to leave as soon as you have a better paid job so she can ALSO look for a full time job and/or a better paid one?

Because yes I’m sure that with a better paid job, YOU will be ok financially but I’m wondering how your dwife and by extension your dcs are going to cope on a part time minimum wage tbh. Yes you’ll pay some CM for the dcs but you know as well as I do that it covers fuck all compare to the cost of raising children.

You’re unmarried? So your girlfriend simply cannot be dependent on you for money, she has zero legal protections in place. A lot of posters have been writing assuming you’re married, meaning the advice is very different to reality.

Thanks, stopping the alcohol is the best thing I've ever done. It took a very challenging personal situation for me to do it, I wish I'd done it years ago.

I haven't told her that unfortunately. However I have encouraged her to do more with her career. Childcare is not an issue now with her parents retired and I am able to be very flexible in my work. If I told her tonight "Listen I'm off, as soon as I get this next promotion." She would have the bin bags out within seconds. I would love to be honest but I think it would be very naive in this situation.

Also relating to finances...Fortunately for her if and when it does happen I wouldn't want her and the kids to have the upheaval of moving home. The mortgage is affordable on minimum wage and it wouldn't be unrealistic for her to buy my share of the house off me. (Even with rising interest rates still significantly cheaper than private rent.) I would give her a cheap price to facilitate this. Even if she won't buy my share, there would be no pressure from me for her to sell until the youngest is 18. That is the best part of a decade.

Yes I'm unmarried. Other than being able to access my pension pot, not sure the difference or would make in this case?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/