Staying in a relationship for financial reasons

[Tonto37]

With the current financial climate I think more and more people will be doing this. It can be a direct choice between being in an emotionally toxic house or having extreme financial difficulties.

What's the longest you have had to do this for? Anyone done it for a decade or more?

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. I would love to leave my partner. I won't have a bad word to say about her but the relationship is doomed. I've felt this way for the past 2 years and it's growing by the week. As for the kids, I put them on the planet so I will take responsibility and make sure I provide for them every way. Therefore it looks like I could be living with someone I don't want to for the next 10 years.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month.

I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me and I really do feel sorry for them, men and women.

@Tonto37
I think your getting some very bitter remarks because you’re male. It would also help if some posters could read and understand your post properly.

I’m a female and both myself and my husband would have split years ago, but didn’t because it would have literally meant complete financial ruin.

Why would anyone jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

Equally, if people are brave enough to do that, bloody good on them.

Personally we’ve worked too hard to throw it all away, probably more so because we’re in our 50s.

@WishIWasACavewoman I agree with you too. The thing is his wife would probably get UC to some extent if she's on NMW because of having the children- and maintenance isn't counted- so she would probably be fine- whereas if you are on your own it's a very different kettle of fish -

She wants me to change but doesn't want me to go.

In what way does she want you to change? I would reflect on that for yourself, rather than for her in case there are lessons you can take forward. It might also help the time before you split to be less acrimonious.

Do your kids really get less than 14% of your income currently?

People have been staying together because it is cheaper since the beginning of time. In today's climate, I also see a lot more multi-generational households, where some members would prefer to move out, but can't afford it.

Your situation OP is hard because your youngest is only 8. That is a long haul of just marking time. Affairs will be tempting.

My parents stayed together until The Dad's Finish Line a/k/a youngest turns 18 and it was crap. They should have divorced sooner. All I learned was that Daddy prefers the mistresses over his wife and family life. And then I went off to uni and was so confused because I thought all Dad's had both a wife and mistresses and my new uni friends were all, "What??" My reality was totally warped. I did not know what normal was.

I'm in a similar situation, wanted to leave but couldn't due to finances and care needs so planned to stick it out until kids turned 18.

It's perfectly doable once you make your decision and make the best of things, and it's easy to give the kids a happy stable home life along the way.

The problem is that the exit route doesn't necessarily get easier.

Our kids turned 18 and started Uni but wanted to live at home. So we still couldn't split. Will they be self supporting at 21 when they graduate? Probably not.

Fundamentally we can afford an ok life as one household but obviously the same money does not support two households in the same way, and I doubt either of us would be able to buy anywhere based on current rates and COL.

So please bear in mind that your timescales might not work!

Hi, I need some help. For context, I have 2 children, 10 and 12 and husband who I have been having problems with for a few years. Husband 8s I'll, which makes my decisions a bit harder. He spends much more time with kids as I am main earner and out a lot.. He uses the kids against me and it happy toeave me out of things and make a 'us and you' situation.
Yesterday I happened to be home early and when they came, he and the kids were talking about me and how I wouldn't even say thanks to them for tidying up when I was at work. I feel so sad that he is encouraging them to be like this, and also that they can't see that this is wrong. He has driven a massive wedge between us, in may ways, big and small. I can't really divorce him because he's sick, he would get half the house anyway and also the kids would probably blane me and he would live this. I'm lost. I do everything for my kids and it has backfired. Please tell me what you think

I don’t think you know what ironic means.

Where does the 16% come from? Is that with 50/50 shared care?

How much of your income goes to supporting your family currently? Surely it’s more than 16%? If not then sounds like you have plenty of room to save.

You say you've encouraged her to improve her career prospects. Easy words. What does that actually look like in terms of share of childcare and household jobs?

And read this again. I don't think you truly get it at all:

You need to tell your wife what you're planning so she gets a say in the marriage and maybe so she can improve her career instead of putting raising your children first. She's invested more of herself into this family even though you bring more money, and as soon as all your money is yours only you will fuck off and leave her after sacrificing years saving you in childcare costs and doing more of the home life to support your full time career. Just wow. Very dirty trick you're planning.

You can't just encourage her, that's not anything like good enough. You need to sit down and talk and make a plan, who knows you could co-parent well, but she needs to know. Right now you're talking about cheating her out of years of her life, because you're worried about finances, denying her years that she could have to develop some financial security for herself. What you're planning to do isn't ok on any level. Unless she's been abusive there's absolutely no justification for harming her like this

Have you been 100% upfront with her? Does she fully know how bad it is? Or have you mentioned it a little in passing? You need to sit down and explain it very clearly to her. Does she know you are leaving once the youngest hits 18? Is this how she would describe your marriage to someone? If so work together to get into the best position financially.

If you have to stay why not get counselling and see if you can get it back to something worth having? I recommend John Gottmans work. Seven principles to make marriage work. There are Gottman based counsellors too. Start today look at pictures from when you got together. Lack of connection destroys relationships but there is a world of good literature (and some shocking stuff to). You need to remember why you got together. Talk about early dates, your wedding. We tend to rewrite history backwards, our brains are very powerful at this. Then we look for the bad - 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.

Read Gottman books. I also like Mark Manson on YouTube , he has a couple of relationship based videos on there. I reread Gottman annually. It’s an excellent bit of research.

Go all in to make the most of being together. If you are there anyway what’s the harm?

I get why this feels like a solid plan. Financially instability is really difficult. Mentally, it’s so draining.

I get why people do it.

But there are the reasons I think it rarely works and is quite cruel to all involved.

Unless you are explicit with your partner, it’s incredibly awful. I don’t mean ‘we have talked about being unhappy’ I mean, explicit. ‘I am staying until the kids are older then plan to leave’. If you have plan and hide it (not talking about abusive situations) you are really damaging your partner. Their decisions will be entirely based on something that isn’t true. You are ruining any chance of them being able to plan properly. It’s also incredibly cruel to let someone believe that you are making a go of it, but actually have no intention of making work and counting down the days to leave. Your partner deserves better than that. Keeping someone in a relationship, that you intend to leave is awful. They deserve to have a chance to have a relationship with someone who wants to be with them. Or to spend time single learning about themselves and having that freedom. Emotionally, being single and becoming comfortable with it, is very healthy.

If you are explicit and on good terms and both happy to go your separate ways, surely the sensible thing would be to officially split but remain living together. No need for deception.

Staying in a relationship you knew you don’t want to be in causes bitterness and resentment. In both people. That’s highly damaging to both the parents and children. It’s rare that the children don’t recognise how miserable their parents are. It causes the children all sorts of issues when they grow up, because they haven’t had a good relationship model.

and after all that, many people ‘who stay for finances/kids’ end up staying past that point. By the time they get to that point, they find another reason. Pensions, savings, don’t want to cause the adult children even more issues, grandkids etc’

Still miserable, still pretending. Why would you spend life that way? What a waste.

This happens so often and it’s pitched as some great sacrifice for the ‘sake of the kids’ but really when it comes down to it, it’s just fear.

I think it's incredibly selfish and unfair to stay with someone for financial reasons. If it's a mutual agreement by both parties then fair enough, but if the other person doesn't know I can imagine it would be extremely hurtful to know that someone stayed with you for money, or stayed because you don't want to pay maintenance. Are you still having sex with this person op?

I wondered this. It is easy to say youve encouraged her to upskill and work more, but encouraging and making it practically possible by sharing the load are two very different things.

I have never ever stayed with a man I don't love. Id rather live in a tent.
I bought my son up alone and have a good career and my own home so I don't need anyone for financial reasons.
I suggest you have a conversation with your wife and tell her what you have told us then jointly decide what to do. Honesty is always the best policy.
There would be nothing worse in my opinion than announcing one day in the future that you have been unhappy for years and you are leaving. That's terribly cruel and would make her whole life a lie. She deserves the truth.
An a day alone then get it off your chest and try to be kind.

What is she currently doing for work? Many people on here seem to think with a bit of retraining (costly) everyone will be able to have a lifelong fulfilling career earning 100K+.
In reality a lot of women that give up work to have children do so because by the time they are ready to have children (already mid thirties or older in many cases) they have not made massive inroads into getting this amazing career that we are all supposed to have.
Plenty of us work to live with no massive ambition to climb the greasy pole, that is a perfectly acceptable choice BUT it shouldn't mean OP or anyone else should stay in the relationship as it may cause her financial hardship.
The fact you have 3 children and she is on NMW is in fact a positive for her, she will more than likely get top ups from UC and while your children are young the council have a duty to house them. She will be worse off if you leave in the future when she no longer has any dependants from a benefits and housing perspective.
I am also struggling to understand why the 14-16% maintenance payment is the thing that is stopping you from leaving? Surely you are spending more than that per month on the children now? I have just worked out 16% of my salary and if I walked away today and that was all I had to pay towards housing/feeding/clothing/hobbies/life for my two children I would be significantly better off!
To summarise I think she will be fine if you leave and you won't be financially screwed either.

Don't listen to her, OP. That woman is deluded.

You’ll get slated but yes, this is reality for many. Cost of housing, cost of living, benefit changes etc have all made leaving unaffordable for many.

You do not get to make this decision for 4 other people OP.

This is true. This situation is only fair if you have both agreed this is the plan, so that you can both make decisions over the intervening years to plan your futures.

My Lord, MN gives anyone, male or female, pelters for not leaving due to financial reasons! This must be your first time on here if you haven’t realised this. In fact of the thread I have read so far, you have not been slaughtered for fucking your children over for life by staying, which women always get, so actually, you are getting an easier ride as a man.

You are actually getting slated not for because you are a man, but because you are giving yourself the privilege of making all the decisions and all the planning, whilst denying your wife that. Stop pretending it’s anything else.

Women staying for financial reasons is because she has put having and bringing up children above her own career advancement, you're playing this game out of greed and spite. Someone commented where this is what her parent did and said she found it cruel but I don't think op replied to that one, just complimented the 'balanced and logical' view of the replies that echoed his thoughts. Your children may not appreciate what you're doing to their mum, children do take sides in a divorce and can see how you've been living resenting the children begrudging having to pay maintenance and wasting your poor wife's life.
The facts are you've expressed unhappiness and feelings can come and go. It is different than saying I'm divorcing you when the children are 18 so make plans.
No doubt in the time left there will be good moments where she will assume you're both on the same page, meanwhile you're plotting and planning, robbing her of years of her life before you pull the rug off her feet. Very malicious and calculating.
You don't think how the atmosphere is going to affect your children or how it will make your wife feel, all you think about is will I be able to afford a pint at the pub. Very cold and cruel thing to do to your own wife that you had children with and promised to live together forever in sickness and health.
This is all just to benefit you, don't pretend like you're some nice guy here you're not.

But you're not going to honestly tell her because your priority is protecting number 1, you! You know if you told her she might divorce you now and leave you paying maintenance. You have decent, honest options and what annoys me is the selfishness and greed of it. Women in this scenario are usually genuinely going to struggle and can't keep their children near their school and community, in your case it's the equivalent of a woman moaning she won't be able to buy a new pair of shoes every month.

@BackAgainstWall Poppycock and when FYI women rarely refer to themselves as 'I'm A fEmAlE ' this is what incel men pretending to be women online say.

Surely if a man had said ‘the house is mine, I own it’ people on here would be jumping all over the poster, saying that as a couple with kids, the other half has a right to some of the house