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Original poster

Staying in a relationship for financial reasons

229 replies

Tonto37 · 09/06/2023 18:31

With the current financial climate I think more and more people will be doing this. It can be a direct choice between being in an emotionally toxic house or having extreme financial difficulties.

What's the longest you have had to do this for? Anyone done it for a decade or more?

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. I would love to leave my partner. I won't have a bad word to say about her but the relationship is doomed. I've felt this way for the past 2 years and it's growing by the week. As for the kids, I put them on the planet so I will take responsibility and make sure I provide for them every way. Therefore it looks like I could be living with someone I don't want to for the next 10 years.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month.

I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me and I really do feel sorry for them, men and women.

OP posts:
MrDarcysBroodingGlare · 10/06/2023 08:13

Notamum12345577 · 10/06/2023 08:08

Surely if a man had said ‘the house is mine, I own it’ people on here would be jumping all over the poster, saying that as a couple with kids, the other half has a right to some of the house

Show quote history

nonsense. you're obviously not very well versed on MN relationship board. Women are constantly told how stupid they are to have got children or for becoming SAHMs without being married or to put the house half in their name. They are told what an idiotic mistake it was to move in with a man without any form of legal protection. They are told they will have no right to the property. Stop making this about some nonsense poor mens debate and that's to you and other posters spouting similar tropes.

Alifeless · 10/06/2023 08:14

MagicBullet · 09/06/2023 20:53

And Tbf too, he also states that he would support her working full time and develop her career….
So the ‘if you leave her, she’ll finally be able to have career’ doesn’t work.

And she might not want to do 50/50 with the OP. Like many mothers, she might well find that idea excruciating.
She might not want the opportunity for a career.

I mean, the idea if a 50/50 might be her idea if hell!

In which case, do you really think that advising the OP to separate and go 50/50 so he doesn’t pay maintenance is tight and fair on her??

None of us, even OP, have any idea what the wife wants as she is not being allowed to be part of the discussion.

All we know from OP is that she has said she wants him to change, which suggests her goal is for the marriage to improve, not end. So her decisions at the moment are based on the marriage surviving.

He says he tells her he encourages her to build a career, whilst leaving out the important information of ‘ because I am going to leave you.’

And one has to wonder why OP is so determined not to say this to her? The only reason for this that I have known in RL is because they are planning to secret away as much money as possible ( whilst pretending they are generous as ‘ she gets the house’) so at the split the wife does get less than when all assets are known and split.

Regardless, she deserves to know so she can plan the way OP is. There is no moral justification for anything else.

But OP is clear that he is deaf to hearing this. Only listens to those saying what he wants, whilst dismissing everyone else with, ‘ it’s because I’m a man!’ ( it’s really not).

BackAgainstWall · 10/06/2023 08:59

FGS, HIS WIFE DOES KNOW:

“ Things have changed a lot with the economy last couple of years.
Had lots of conversations with her about it. She wants me to change but doesn't want me to go. I want to go but can't without a full wage.”

How many more people are going to choose to ignore relevant parts of @Tonto37 posts.

(Or simply have poor comprehension skills).

ProfessorXtra · 10/06/2023 09:06

BackAgainstWall · 10/06/2023 08:59

FGS, HIS WIFE DOES KNOW:

“ Things have changed a lot with the economy last couple of years.
Had lots of conversations with her about it. She wants me to change but doesn't want me to go. I want to go but can't without a full wage.”

How many more people are going to choose to ignore relevant parts of @Tonto37 posts.

(Or simply have poor comprehension skills).

That doesn’t mean she knows.

She doesn’t want the Op to leave. That doesn’t mean she knows the Op has decided they definitely are leaving when the kids are older.

Many people who are in troubled relationships are actively working to make repair it. They don’t want their partner to leave.

Why would ‘she doesn’t want me to leave’ also mean ‘I have told her, explicitly, that the relationship is a act and I am leaving in a few years’.

At no point has the Op said they have told her explicitly that the relationship will be ending when the kids are older.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:17

Imawomangetmeoutofhere · 09/06/2023 22:10

The most important question is does she know you are only staying for financial reasons and will leave if/when they subside? And no, her knowing you are unhappy is not enough. Have you been straight and honest? Surely she deserves at least that? You are talking about 10yrs of her life here.
Is it only maintenance that’s holding you back? Cause I assure you they don’t stop costing after 18. What if they go to uni? If you had them 50/50 then there’s no need for maintenance.

Yes it's only maintenance that is holding me back. I have came to terms with everything else. It has been long painful journey in my mind to gradually realise and process it all. I know all the costs won't go away when they are 18 but at that point I can help them when I can't rather than a direct debit coming out every month no matter what.

We have talked about what would happen if we broke up. I have broken down how much UC she would have, what would happen with the house and car etc.

There is no barrier for her to develop her career. She has plenty of family support and I would also do everything I can to facilitate her working more. I think it's just a lack of confidence ambition that is holding her back on that front. Despite the difficulties in the relationship, I try to be as encouraging as possible.

She knows we are both unhappy, we have talked about breaking up before after bad times, even more so lately . I haven't outright said "I am leaving in 10 years." That would result in my leaving this evening if was to say that. Yes there is some self preservation going on here.

I think the people who are saying I'm dishonest just want me to be financially wreckless. Sometimes there's grey areas and you have to be pragmatic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:21

Alifeless · 10/06/2023 08:14

None of us, even OP, have any idea what the wife wants as she is not being allowed to be part of the discussion.

All we know from OP is that she has said she wants him to change, which suggests her goal is for the marriage to improve, not end. So her decisions at the moment are based on the marriage surviving.

He says he tells her he encourages her to build a career, whilst leaving out the important information of ‘ because I am going to leave you.’

And one has to wonder why OP is so determined not to say this to her? The only reason for this that I have known in RL is because they are planning to secret away as much money as possible ( whilst pretending they are generous as ‘ she gets the house’) so at the split the wife does get less than when all assets are known and split.

Regardless, she deserves to know so she can plan the way OP is. There is no moral justification for anything else.

But OP is clear that he is deaf to hearing this. Only listens to those saying what he wants, whilst dismissing everyone else with, ‘ it’s because I’m a man!’ ( it’s really not).

Show quote history

From the conversations she wants me to change and stay together. This is unrealistic and I think she knows it.

Sometimes she says that's she's given up on it, I never correct her. I used to tell her I'd change because I believed I could, I was in denial. Last few months I've told her I can't and won't change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:22

MrDarcysBroodingGlare · 10/06/2023 08:13

nonsense. you're obviously not very well versed on MN relationship board. Women are constantly told how stupid they are to have got children or for becoming SAHMs without being married or to put the house half in their name. They are told what an idiotic mistake it was to move in with a man without any form of legal protection. They are told they will have no right to the property. Stop making this about some nonsense poor mens debate and that's to you and other posters spouting similar tropes.

Show quote history

Fairplay, I am naive to this board and the advice women are given when facing similar difficulties.

It's not easy and it's not black and white.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:24

BackAgainstWall · 10/06/2023 00:18

@Tonto37
I think your getting some very bitter remarks because you’re male. It would also help if some posters could read and understand your post properly.

I’m a female and both myself and my husband would have split years ago, but didn’t because it would have literally meant complete financial ruin.

Why would anyone jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

Equally, if people are brave enough to do that, bloody good on them.

Personally we’ve worked too hard to throw it all away, probably more so because we’re in our 50s.

Fairplay, thanks for your understanding. It really is like swapping one problem for another. Turn left I'm screwed, turn right I'm screwed

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:24

Crikeyalmighty · 10/06/2023 00:26

@WishIWasACavewoman I agree with you too. The thing is his wife would probably get UC to some extent if she's on NMW because of having the children- and maintenance isn't counted- so she would probably be fine- whereas if you are on your own it's a very different kettle of fish -

Correct!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:26

oviraptor21 · 10/06/2023 00:34

Do your kids really get less than 14% of your income currently?

16% is what I'd have to pay out in maintenance. In reality it would be a lot more because I'd be spending any tiny amount of disposable income on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:32

SparklingLime · 10/06/2023 03:15

You say you've encouraged her to improve her career prospects. Easy words. What does that actually look like in terms of share of childcare and household jobs?

And read this again. I don't think you truly get it at all:

You need to tell your wife what you're planning so she gets a say in the marriage and maybe so she can improve her career instead of putting raising your children first. She's invested more of herself into this family even though you bring more money, and as soon as all your money is yours only you will fuck off and leave her after sacrificing years saving you in childcare costs and doing more of the home life to support your full time career. Just wow. Very dirty trick you're planning.

Her DM is now retired. My job is quite flexible for school runs, I already do them a lot when working from home. My parents are also retired and don't live far away. There is plenty of support for her to retrain/pick up more hours. This has been the case for several years. Even when things were going well I was full of encouragement for her to do something she likes and be independent. Not just words, practical suggestions and solutions. She is working part time out of choice, not neccessity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:34

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 10/06/2023 06:57

I think it's incredibly selfish and unfair to stay with someone for financial reasons. If it's a mutual agreement by both parties then fair enough, but if the other person doesn't know I can imagine it would be extremely hurtful to know that someone stayed with you for money, or stayed because you don't want to pay maintenance. Are you still having sex with this person op?

Sometimes but its never initiated by me.

OP posts:
catslovelife · 10/06/2023 10:34

Life is very expensive for a single person today. Renting or buying a house in many places of the UK is a struggle on one income unless you are earning mega bucks.

Being about to afford being single is a privilege.

MagicBullet · 10/06/2023 10:35

From the conversations she wants me to change and stay together. This is unrealistic and I think she knows it.

Can you explain what is unrealistic?

The fact you need to change (in what way etc… why would it be impossible fir you to do that)?

Or staying together - even though this is exactly what you want to do (or at east for the next 10 years and 10 years is a long time….)

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:38

catslovelife · 10/06/2023 10:34

Life is very expensive for a single person today. Renting or buying a house in many places of the UK is a struggle on one income unless you are earning mega bucks.

Being about to afford being single is a privilege.

So true! I think there's people on here who are ticking along very nicely and have no idea what it's like. People lie, numbers don't

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:44

MagicBullet · 10/06/2023 10:35

From the conversations she wants me to change and stay together. This is unrealistic and I think she knows it.

Can you explain what is unrealistic?

The fact you need to change (in what way etc… why would it be impossible fir you to do that)?

Or staying together - even though this is exactly what you want to do (or at east for the next 10 years and 10 years is a long time….)

She doesn't like me going out with my friends. I get too drunk, to the point I can vomit.
I come in after I say I would. It's never in the early hours. It could be that I'll say I'll come back at 8 but come back at 10. She stops me going out. I missed my own leaving do at work, stag do's, some big occasions because I can't be bothered with the hassle. That's just an example of one of the things she wants to change. I say to her now you can't make a dog be a cat, accept me as I am or get rid of me.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 10/06/2023 10:48

She doesn't like me going out with my friends. I get too drunk, to the point I can vomit.

😂😂 You sound like a catch! No wonder she wants to hold onto you.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:50

SparklingLime · 10/06/2023 10:48

She doesn't like me going out with my friends. I get too drunk, to the point I can vomit.

😂😂 You sound like a catch! No wonder she wants to hold onto you.

Haha I know I should be hung drawn and quartered for that

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 10/06/2023 10:55

I missed my own leaving do at work, stag do's, some big occasions because I can't be bothered with the hassle. That's just an example of one of the things she wants to change. I say to her now you can't make a dog be a cat, accept me as I am or get rid of me.

This is because you can't go out without drinking to the point of vomiting? As a grown man and father, not a student.

The more you write, the more I feel for her. The lack of taking responsibility for your own actions and choices in the statement above is striking 🚩 🚩 I also don't believe your version of events, which casts doubt over everything you've written.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 11:00

SparklingLime · 10/06/2023 10:55

I missed my own leaving do at work, stag do's, some big occasions because I can't be bothered with the hassle. That's just an example of one of the things she wants to change. I say to her now you can't make a dog be a cat, accept me as I am or get rid of me.

This is because you can't go out without drinking to the point of vomiting? As a grown man and father, not a student.

The more you write, the more I feel for her. The lack of taking responsibility for your own actions and choices in the statement above is striking 🚩 🚩 I also don't believe your version of events, which casts doubt over everything you've written.

Believe what you what. It doesn't really matter. I go out and get drunk it's a crime because I'm a dad, I get it. Anything I say about myself you'll just jump all over it and put a negative slant.

There's some good well balanced folk on this forum. And there is some very bitter, angry folk as well. No prizes for guessing which category you would be in!

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 10/06/2023 11:04

Sure, I'm "bitter and angry" because I think you've shown yourself to be a bit of a prick. Crack on.

SparklingLime · 10/06/2023 11:06

We're meant to believe you missed your stag do because your wife to be was worried you wouldn't get in until 10pm? Sure.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 11:09

SparklingLime · 10/06/2023 11:06

We're meant to believe you missed your stag do because your wife to be was worried you wouldn't get in until 10pm? Sure.

Not mine, my friends stag do. I can't now go out with my friends drinking, just not worth the hassle. One time when the world cup was on I couldn't do the school run the next day because I had too much. It's still mentioned now. There is another stick to beat me with.

OP posts:
Amonthinthecountry · 10/06/2023 11:20

Tonto37 · 10/06/2023 10:44

She doesn't like me going out with my friends. I get too drunk, to the point I can vomit.
I come in after I say I would. It's never in the early hours. It could be that I'll say I'll come back at 8 but come back at 10. She stops me going out. I missed my own leaving do at work, stag do's, some big occasions because I can't be bothered with the hassle. That's just an example of one of the things she wants to change. I say to her now you can't make a dog be a cat, accept me as I am or get rid of me.

Show quote history

Hmm I was feeling a little sympathetic for you until this update. And like PP I’m starting to detect red flags. I guess it depends how often you’re having these big blow outs. My DH goes out two or three times a year with his uni mates and is an absolute state when he gets home and he’s good for nothing the rest of the weekend. I basically accept I’m doing all the parenting that weekend and it’s fine, it doesn’t happen often, and it’s nice for them to get together and do this from time to time. If you’re getting that drunk regularly then I suspect that this has a significant impact on your partner’s life as she has to deal with all the parenting and having a hung over bloke stumbling round the house. And if that’s the case, and you’re unreliable about when you’ll be home, etc it would also affect how she could plan her time if she did want to retrain to get a better paid job. How can she do that if she can’t guarantee she can set aside say ten hours a week for studying. Maybe this isn’t the case and it is just the odd blow out but if it is the case, I can see how it would be difficult for her to plan and make changes so that she’s more financially resilient. I know you said you support her developing her career but is that just lip service or can you support her in having the means to do that?

LittleFloatingGhost · 10/06/2023 11:20

@Tonto37 why couldn’t the kids live with you half of the time? No maintenance to pay if 50/50 and you see your kids more often. Go half on the childcare fees if needed.