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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How did you confront OW when you found out?

214 replies

BabaJel · 08/06/2023 18:51

I've just told friend of 12 years who is shagging partner of 23 years exactly what I thought of her in a text - there were lots of expletives and I called her an ugly cunt, sent her details of the brothel he'd visited and called her a cunt again. I know the relationship is over and I'm not proud of my text but my goodness it felt good!

Once I saw she'd read message, I blocked her (he's been blocked for a long time). I don't intend to contact either one of them again and it feels like this sorry saga has concluded.
I would love to hear how others 'dealt' with the OW. I'm sure there have been much more creative ways.

OP posts:
Ohgooodgodwhathashappened · 08/06/2023 22:07

@BonnieGlasses Well you sound delightful. A bit more dignity would have been better.

Come on now, OP's been dealt a major blow. Expressing her anger is surely understandable and a natural human reaction.

OP, hope you have people to rally around you

Mindovermatter247 · 08/06/2023 22:10

BonnieGlasses · 08/06/2023 18:54

Well you sound delightful. A bit more dignity would have been better.

If it was a random woman I’d be more inclined to agree, but since it’s her friend, I’d have probably done the same, probably with more expletives, to him and her… I’ve always been on the fence in regards to OW in an affair, however when it’s an affair with your mate, I think all understanding goes out the window…

AMuser · 08/06/2023 22:11

Ketzele · 08/06/2023 20:52

I was the OW. She found us in bed. They both went into my kitchen and had a blazer, while I cowered under the sheets praying, "God, if you get me out of this I will never sleep with someone's partner again"

She came back in and I was terrified - she was an army girl and a toughie - and she just said, " No hard feelings, Ketz" and left!

It was so much more than I deserved. 40 years on and I have kept that promise to never, ever fuck around.

Was she Nessa Jones from Gavin & Stacey? - because that’s who I heard say that in my head

One booted leg up on your bed, in a pleather skirt, fag in hand.

Namechange666 · 08/06/2023 22:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Namechange666 · 08/06/2023 22:14

@mayorofcasterbridge I'm so sorry I never meant to quote you. I replied to the wrong post.
Getting it deleted sorry.

MaydinEssex · 08/06/2023 22:14

BonnieGlasses · 08/06/2023 18:54

Well you sound delightful. A bit more dignity would have been better.

It's OP's way of dealing with the betrayal, any woman who has the nerve to cheat with a good friend's fella deserves what she is given! She got off mildly in my opinion.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/06/2023 22:16

I didn't to her although said a lot about her! Tbh I didn't know her though so it's not her I'd expect loyalty from it was my ex who let me down and betrayed me.

TooJoy · 08/06/2023 22:17

I wouldn’t want to waste my breath on her but I don’t think I’d be able to hold my tongue.

A friend betraying you after 12 years is awful.

Choochi · 08/06/2023 22:17

Catbumps · 08/06/2023 19:22

Hello Daily Fail, is that you?!

My thought precisely!
Partner of 23 years simply blocked??? You didn't need contact to settle house, pet, kids etc?

TooJoy · 08/06/2023 22:19

I had a physical fight with someone when I was the OW.

Fortunately, he looked shocked and ran out of the room and I heard commotion so I quickly got changed before she came in and tried to fight me.

I would have hated to be lying naked.

I had no idea he had a gf and it’s made me very paranoid since.

HowcanIhelp123 · 08/06/2023 22:20

In the vast majority of circumstances I'd be confused as to why you'd want to confront the other woman. Your cheating husband is the one that made vows to you, OW owes you nothing. But then I realised she was a friend of yours.

I have had 2 boyfriends cheat on me with close friends. In one case the OW was actually dating another friend group member at the time, the other I found out was cheating when I found them snogging in a cupboard, in my house, at my birthday party! Tbh, once I found out I just froze them both out. They didn't exist to me. Ultimately I walked away from both friendship groups. Not to avoid them, just the whole situation made me realise I needed better friends!

In the first situation no one believed he would cheat (bar the guy OW was seeing, he dumped her), they were good church-going folk, I was the bitch breaking his heart for no reason. I walked without a backward glance, I later found out a few months after that OW got sloppy drunk and told everyone everything, not just the cheating but some other stuff that had been going on too. Did they get ostracised for it? Of course not, he was still precious friend that could do no wrong. Was the catalyst for some others that had already distanced themselves a bit (including OWs ex) walking away permanently. Apparently they're still together, but not publically, and seem somewhat ashamed of their relationship. I saw her once a couple years after and she jumped and tried to hide from me. He begged for me back more than a few times, I usually didn't reply, once or twice replied with laughing faces.

They have to live with it, I'm free. I have much better friends, awesome DH and family I adore more than life itself. I don't regret it, irregardless of how hard it could be at the time.

MakeADecision · 08/06/2023 22:22

The Starbucks one! 👌

TheoTheopolis23 · 08/06/2023 22:25

BonnieGlasses · 08/06/2023 18:54

Well you sound delightful. A bit more dignity would have been better.

Fuck that.

She sounds like a boss.

PinkShoelacesAndAPolkaDotVest · 08/06/2023 22:26

WellPlaced · 08/06/2023 20:57

I always approach her with a smile and a friendly manner, then taunt her with comments like ‘how that lie you’re living with?’ Or ‘I’m just biding my time’

Her DH doesn’t know so she must live her life never knowing when her world will erupt (like mine did).

This is brilliant! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

BabaJel · 08/06/2023 22:29

Choochi · 08/06/2023 22:17

My thought precisely!
Partner of 23 years simply blocked??? You didn't need contact to settle house, pet, kids etc?

No not simply blocked -traumatic ending where he told me for months ‘I’d changed’ whilst also stonewalling me. I was in such a bad place thinking I was a bad person and to blame for the demise of our relationship. I only recently found out about them and suddenly it all made sense-it had been going on for at least 6 months. Luckily no house to sort-we kept our own homes as we lived about 80 miles apart. Also no children.

OP posts:
TallerThanAverage · 08/06/2023 22:32

I’d be more annoyed with him. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of sending a psycho message because I can see them keeping it and it coming back to bite me in the arse.

BabaJel · 08/06/2023 22:32

TheoTheopolis23 · 08/06/2023 22:25

Fuck that.

She sounds like a boss.

😂

OP posts:
troubg · 08/06/2023 22:41

This was a very unintelligent, blame shifting and undignified response. Just plain ignorant to be blunt. The person you should have been going off on and screaming at is your partner, not someone else. HIS commitment which he seems to have forgotten about, is to you, right?. HE is the one who cheated on you, HE is the one that hurt you, HE is the one that stabbed you in the back, HE is the one who didn't care about you or your relationship as long as he got what he wanted.

Err the OW was the OPs friend...

BeachBabyBaboon · 08/06/2023 22:41

FuckNuggets · 08/06/2023 21:56

You wouldn't vent your anger at your friend that shagged your partner, really? What would you continue to be friends with her?

No I wouldn't, I'd cut her right out if my life whilst wishing her eternal shitty days

OneSugar1 · 08/06/2023 22:42

TheoTheopolis23 · 08/06/2023 22:25

Fuck that.

She sounds like a boss.

What TheoTheopolis said.

EL8888 · 08/06/2023 22:46

ToBeOrNotToBee · 08/06/2023 19:03

I didn't.

Couldn't be bothered to spend anymore time on the waste of spaces.

This. Literally couldn’t be bothered

I had had enough of him by this point. Amusingly the night we split up he was ranting about wanting to marry someone else, have children etc. Didn’t realise he was seeing my friend. I’m now married again with children, they married and are still together l believe. Wonder if she gets worried when he is working late or travelling for work? No children so l guess one or both of them had fertility issues. This tickles me immensely. Husband 2 and l had a fair amount of IVF so l know how tough it is. Husband 1 was emotionally and financially abusive so it’s all for the next

Oh and he’s massively let himself go. I upgraded when l married again, husband 2 is handsome, smarter, funnier and better in bed

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/06/2023 22:47

I was ok with the other woman, but I sent the video of him receiving a blow job from her that I found on his phone to his mum.

newlove22 · 08/06/2023 22:48

I sent one text to her with a picture of our wedding poem which he "gifted" her asking if she recognised it. Nothing like finding out your lover is regifting you something that meant so much between a husband and wife.
Aside of that I left well alone. I conduct myself with some class unlike the gutter where the pair of them both belong.

Whatisthefuss · 08/06/2023 22:49

Told her dad (she is 38) she was shagging a married man with children , she was also married with three children. I just happened to get lucky and was given his number , the person who gave me it didn’t know it was her dads number . Long story but felt good. I did send her a message or two , same basically calling her a home wrecker etc

Dery · 08/06/2023 22:49

Some posters don’t seem to get that it’s possible to be angry at more than one person at the same time.

Of course, the greater anger should be reserved for the partner who’s supposed to be committed. But it’s perfectly fine to also be furious with the friend who has also betrayed you. Most of us regard sleeping with our friends’ partners as unacceptable and would expect some kind of fallout for doing it.

And actually I think it’s okay to be pretty fucking angry with any OW who knows she’s an OW. After all, you can choose not to be the reason that another woman is being lied to, cheated on, probably gaslighted, perhaps exposed to STDs. My dad had a long-term affair decades ago, when I was a teenager. It was pretty obvious and I saw how devastated my mum was. I actually rang the OW to tell her to leave us alone. And had plenty of arguments with my dad too.