Strained relationship with dd

[AnyaMarx]

I had my kids at 19 and 25 and had a brilliant relationship with them.

When my youngest went to uni I left my husband. I now realise this wasn't the best time for dd . I was thinking bows the time as they'd both left home - but it wasn't and I accept that.

My relationship with dd has been ok but not what it was .

She's stuck firmly by her dad . And that's fine - I left - I was the bad guy .

She is now almost 26 . Through guilt initially I said dh could keep the house and I rented . That was 8 years ago.

Now I have a critical illness . I've told dh I'm going to claim on our critical illness cover and then we can divorce and financially separate. He has a new girlfriend. I'm single . I live in a rented house and I cant sustain this . My illness is bad and debilitating- my plan was claim the insurance , he pays me out from that , he keeps the house , I get a shred ownership new build so I'm secure , pay less rent . He will still win financially.

I try not to involve the kids in these talks as they are adults and have moved out - dd just bought first house with her partner and ds lives abroad .

Tonight I got a text from dd - I've always tried to stay in touch , offering visits or her and her partner to stay over - never taken up. My illness is so bad at minute I can't drive .
I've asked dd for a phone call maybe once a week but she is too busy .

The text tonight said she feels I should walk away with nothing as I'm the one who left . She feels her dad is being "done over " if I ask for any financial settlement. I bit . I argued back . I said he will keep the house - I just want to claim the Insurance so I can get a shared ownership place that's secure - my job is at risk and if that goes I can't afford my rent . She's said she doesn't want to speak to me over phone , messages are enough , she's busy , etc etc .

I'm heartbroken. I get she feels I'm the bad guy . But I asked her what she wants and what she'd be happy with ? I asked do I live in my car if I can't work and c t pay my rent ? She said I was the one who left and I should leve everything as it is with her dad as he must "be terrified " - I mean seriously even if I had t got this illness I've pud a mortgage since 1993 - I'd only be asking for half - I wouldn't make him sell up - this seemed like a solution to me to claim the critical illness and he keep th house and get some cash - I don't get it .
He's obviously been talking to her

My sister is furious with me for biting - she says let her vent , tell her we will sort it between dh and I and say nothing more .she says young people do t do phone calls these days and just let her message without pestering for a call .

I've been virtually bed ridden for months - she's never come to see me . I've kept her updated without being a drama queen but I know both her and my ex dh think I'm attention seeking and there's nothing wrong with me . He reluctantly sent me the insurance details for the critical illness policy we have in the mortgage.

I don't get it .
If I claim in that (subject to a diagnosis which I've almost got now ) I've said if he just gives me 42k from that (so I can put a 25% down on a shared ownership ) he can keep the rest and the house ! Yet I'm the bad guy ?

I've paid all our debt ! It took 6 years! I paid it all! I've been in poverty to do that .

Dd thinks I should leave everything alone because I left . I had a relationship after leaving and while I was with someone I was comfortable so didn't pursue a divorce or settlement but I left that relationship (it was very abusive ) and I've lived alone for 4 years - now I've got health issues I need to consider my future and get secure housing .

I've sat and cried . My sister says let her vent and ignore it . Everyone seems angry with me and honestly I've been nothing but reasonable! If I wanted to be a bitch I'd be making him sell up and give me half ! The more I try and be reasonable the more it seems to annoy everyone when I say I'd like something from the marriage (which is now 31 years!).

It seems the only way to make everyone happy is walk away with nothing .

My sister says stop arguing with dd . Say fine . Don't worry - we'll sort it .
Yes I know she's right but I bit tonight - I've not been able to drive or walk for 9 weeks now and counting and no one has helped me . I'm tired , I'll
And in pain . They don't believe me - but I'm on the verge of diagnosis and it's real ! (Rheumatoid arthritis most likely ) It's like they all think I'm being a drama queen and should shut up and fuck off .

I'm hurt . Feel let down . Whatever I do next - dd isn't going to be happy and will take dh side unless I walk away with nothing from a 31 year marriage. We married in 1991 and bought our first house in 1993 . I did everything. Had the kids at 19 and 25 - eldest had meningitis and was disabled and I did everything- worked , ran the house , shopped , -all the medical appointments and all the house admin and dh while a hard worker at his job did nothing to help me - everything was mine to sort . He had poor hygiene. He was impotent . I was 19 when we married . He isn't a saint - yet the kids seem to think he is and I'm the devil incarnate for leaving . I think I actually had a proper mental breakdown at that time and I ran .

Now I don't know what to do .

Oh and i was also the breadwinner. Everything felt like my responsibility.

I'm probably more hurt by dd because she was my baby

Ds hardly says anything I get it their Both adults now off doing their own thing but they're loyalty is so
Obviously to their dad and not me . It's like "you'll always be ok mum but dad needs looking after " type vibe and yet he's got everything and. New girlfriend and I'm alone in bloody rented I can't t afford !

I'm so
Pissed off and the urge to say to them all bollocks to you is there but I don't want to alienate my kids ! I was there for them both . I fought hard for ds and his disability and he's now an independent adult - great !

So great neither of them bother with me .

I was the strong one . Maybe they think I don't need them . Dad does cos he a pathetic human who needs everything doing for him - dunno . It's like how Dare you leave him !

Do not take less than you are owed out of pity or whatever for your ex. You’re entitled to leave him and entitled to your fair share of the assets. Sounds like he has been over sharing with the DC. It’s none of their business at all.

I know it's not their business yet it's taking a toll on our relationship.

They see him as the wronged party .

Why are you waiting around for your dd to dh to understand the situation. I'd get on with it, hire a solicitor stop being a martyr and take what I'm owed. Why we older you take what's owed to you when you may not yourself afford the mortgage at some point.madness.

You can explain that adults make choices and sometimes they drift apart and that your ex will be ok but that's on him as an adult to manage, not you. And then let life take its course because your ex most likely will be ok and your dd won't have much to say then.

Sorry re the typos - why would you not take what you're owed*

Divorce and split finances via a solicitor? Obviously.

Agree, you nèed to proceed with the divorce and settlement.
You say it's damaging your relationship with dd but it was already strained/distant. You can't be 100% sure of her reasons for the low contact but you living in poverty isn't going to heal that relationship.
Maybe once it has all been settled and you are more financially comfortable you will have the mental strength to work on your relationship with her. But you need to prioritise getting your share of the money owed.

Unless there is a backstory to this I would be telling DD that it is absolutely none of her business, that she is an adult now and needs to back off. Unfortunately this may damage your relationship further but it only sounds like DD wants a relationship with you if you do what she says. You have given him time to stay in the house, now it is about getting back what you have paid in.

Stop being a martyr!
Divorce properly with a decent solicitor and get every penny you are owed.
If you were the breadwinner why are you letting him live indefinitely off the proceeds of your hardwork?
If he has to sell the house for you to settle the divorce then so be it, shared ownership isn't always all its cracked up to be, if the marital home was sold could you afford a flat by yourself?

You need to get the ball rolling with a decent solicitor. This has gone on long enough.

Get as much as your entitled to, yes it's unfortunate that you have a strained relationship with your daughter. But don't back down just to please her, this is your money and wellbeing, not hers.

Think about you right now, think about your health and security. Worry about the rest later.

Is there more to this op. She was an adult. Your marriage ended and she hates you. Did you leave for someone else? It’s very rare a good parent child relationship will turn this bad for no reason other than you ended a bad marriage?

Your daughter has much to learn and this isn't something you can teach her. Stop negotiating with her and get yourself some proper legal advice to help support yourself going forward.

Your sister is on your side and is giving good advice.

Jesus will she only be happy when you're dead? My mum divorced and remarried 5 times. I hated it but still have a relationship with my mum because I'm a grown up and not a spoiled brat who expects other people to suffer because I'm having a hissy fit.

She's 100% unreasonable but you've indulged this out of guilt so she's been free to twist the knife all this time.

You are entitled to a settlement. So you need to do as everyone else has said and speak to a solicitor. Rebuild your life, pay for sone therapy to rebuild your self esteem and let DD get on with it. Cheeky madam.

You need to make sure that you are OK financially during your illness.

Your relationship with your DD isn't great anyway so you might as well just see a solicitor, get your fair share of the finance and let your DD get over it, or not.

After this length of time everyone should have moved on.

I'd ignore your DD opinion on your finances and settlement. It's none of her business. I wouldn't discuss the divorce or finances with your DC again.

Get a competent solicitor and get your fair share and don't let anyone tell you different or guilt trip you.

Older women are one of largest rising groups who live in poverty, especially after divorce.

Divorce him claim the insurance and half the house .. don’t feel pressured by anyone to struggle sounds like you have enough on without money worries too. Don’t feel guilt about leaving, the kids where adults and had left home .. it’s not like you abandoned them as babies ! As heartbreaking as it must be stop trying to please your daughter … she’s old enough to understand relationships don’t always work out and no one should stay where they are unhappy, you wouldn’t want her to stay in an unhappy marriage why would she want that for you! If write her a letter not going into details of what your ex did wrong etc but that you were miserable in the relationship. Put that you’d like her to think about what she would do in your situation and finish by saying you want nothing more than to have a closer relationship with her. Then leave her to it …. Focus on you and your life. Sounds like you spent up until now living to please everyone else.

Listen to your sister.
Details of your divorce are between your exh and yourself. If it's possible to have a discussion with your exh, he should be on that page too.
It's so easy to see everything in black and white when you are young. Experience of the years will take their toll on your dd, as sadly happens to all of us, life comes up and bites you on the bum and start to see the shades in between.

I think she needs to grow up tbh, she's not 12 years old.

Your daughter is an immature brat.

Please so not take less than you are entitled to.

Look at the future and at your old age square in the eye. Go and see a solicitor and get your divorce proceeding. Do not take less than you are owed. You won’t be doing anyone a favour long term if you are not financially secure and independent.

Your children may come round when they see things are settled. I would focus on sorting it out.

I know a lot of people who have claimed less than they are due because they feel guilty. It’s not a good idea.

I'm not sure why you don't just go for what you're half is.
It's not hard, just do 50:50

Your daughter doesn't understand the world yet so I'd not be listening to her 2 cents on the matter. It's between you and your ex husband

Backing off isn't going to smooth the relationship with your daughter. For whatever reason, she currently needs someone to blame and you are it.

You are ill. I imagine extremely depressed by the current situation and desperate to feel better about yourself.

But you need to heal by understanding that 31 years of marriage is an achievement by anyone's standards. Things change. You have every right to 50% of the house. Inconvenient for your husband maybe but he's not ill, is he? But they are pushing and manipulating you because you are letting them.

Stop beating yourself up, set yourself up securely for the future and then you can focus on mending broken relationships when you're less vulnerable.

This is not your fault.

What you need to do is get a solicitor OP. You absolutely have to be hard-headed and look after number 1 here. Good luck

You post about this frequently. The situation won't change while you continue to do what you have always done. Stop playing the martyr. You had good reasons to leave your marriage.

Normally I would say don't involve the children, even as adults, but i think you need to set your daughter straight on a few things. It's pretty obvious your ex has been encouraging her behaviour and saying things to get her onside. And you've just sat back and taken it. Your daughter is a rude, selfish brat who lacks empathy. Stop meekly accepting what she dishes out.

And as for your ex? Go after 50% minimum. You have spent your whole adult life making sacrifices for him and being miserable in return. And even years after separation you are still doing it. You need to start putting yourself first because no one else will.