Strained relationship with dd

[AnyaMarx]

I had my kids at 19 and 25 and had a brilliant relationship with them.

When my youngest went to uni I left my husband. I now realise this wasn't the best time for dd . I was thinking bows the time as they'd both left home - but it wasn't and I accept that.

My relationship with dd has been ok but not what it was .

She's stuck firmly by her dad . And that's fine - I left - I was the bad guy .

She is now almost 26 . Through guilt initially I said dh could keep the house and I rented . That was 8 years ago.

Now I have a critical illness . I've told dh I'm going to claim on our critical illness cover and then we can divorce and financially separate. He has a new girlfriend. I'm single . I live in a rented house and I cant sustain this . My illness is bad and debilitating- my plan was claim the insurance , he pays me out from that , he keeps the house , I get a shred ownership new build so I'm secure , pay less rent . He will still win financially.

I try not to involve the kids in these talks as they are adults and have moved out - dd just bought first house with her partner and ds lives abroad .

Tonight I got a text from dd - I've always tried to stay in touch , offering visits or her and her partner to stay over - never taken up. My illness is so bad at minute I can't drive .
I've asked dd for a phone call maybe once a week but she is too busy .

The text tonight said she feels I should walk away with nothing as I'm the one who left . She feels her dad is being "done over " if I ask for any financial settlement. I bit . I argued back . I said he will keep the house - I just want to claim the Insurance so I can get a shared ownership place that's secure - my job is at risk and if that goes I can't afford my rent . She's said she doesn't want to speak to me over phone , messages are enough , she's busy , etc etc .

I'm heartbroken. I get she feels I'm the bad guy . But I asked her what she wants and what she'd be happy with ? I asked do I live in my car if I can't work and c t pay my rent ? She said I was the one who left and I should leve everything as it is with her dad as he must "be terrified " - I mean seriously even if I had t got this illness I've pud a mortgage since 1993 - I'd only be asking for half - I wouldn't make him sell up - this seemed like a solution to me to claim the critical illness and he keep th house and get some cash - I don't get it .
He's obviously been talking to her

My sister is furious with me for biting - she says let her vent , tell her we will sort it between dh and I and say nothing more .she says young people do t do phone calls these days and just let her message without pestering for a call .

I've been virtually bed ridden for months - she's never come to see me . I've kept her updated without being a drama queen but I know both her and my ex dh think I'm attention seeking and there's nothing wrong with me . He reluctantly sent me the insurance details for the critical illness policy we have in the mortgage.

I don't get it .
If I claim in that (subject to a diagnosis which I've almost got now ) I've said if he just gives me 42k from that (so I can put a 25% down on a shared ownership ) he can keep the rest and the house ! Yet I'm the bad guy ?

I've paid all our debt ! It took 6 years! I paid it all! I've been in poverty to do that .

Dd thinks I should leave everything alone because I left . I had a relationship after leaving and while I was with someone I was comfortable so didn't pursue a divorce or settlement but I left that relationship (it was very abusive ) and I've lived alone for 4 years - now I've got health issues I need to consider my future and get secure housing .

I've sat and cried . My sister says let her vent and ignore it . Everyone seems angry with me and honestly I've been nothing but reasonable! If I wanted to be a bitch I'd be making him sell up and give me half ! The more I try and be reasonable the more it seems to annoy everyone when I say I'd like something from the marriage (which is now 31 years!).

It seems the only way to make everyone happy is walk away with nothing .

My sister says stop arguing with dd . Say fine . Don't worry - we'll sort it .
Yes I know she's right but I bit tonight - I've not been able to drive or walk for 9 weeks now and counting and no one has helped me . I'm tired , I'll
And in pain . They don't believe me - but I'm on the verge of diagnosis and it's real ! (Rheumatoid arthritis most likely ) It's like they all think I'm being a drama queen and should shut up and fuck off .

I'm hurt . Feel let down . Whatever I do next - dd isn't going to be happy and will take dh side unless I walk away with nothing from a 31 year marriage. We married in 1991 and bought our first house in 1993 . I did everything. Had the kids at 19 and 25 - eldest had meningitis and was disabled and I did everything- worked , ran the house , shopped , -all the medical appointments and all the house admin and dh while a hard worker at his job did nothing to help me - everything was mine to sort . He had poor hygiene. He was impotent . I was 19 when we married . He isn't a saint - yet the kids seem to think he is and I'm the devil incarnate for leaving . I think I actually had a proper mental breakdown at that time and I ran .

Now I don't know what to do .

My dsis says ignore her - she says she's having a tantrum and to treat it like a toddler tantrum - she says she has zero life experience and her stance will
Change . 🤷🏻‍♀️

She hates me. She wants no contact with me anymore.
I'll regret it apparently.

I've sent one message back
Saying ok . Here when you want . Love you . Bye .

My eyes are like pissholes in the snow because I've cried all night . But I can't make the better . I have to respect her wishes and bow out .

Dsis is saying this is a toddler tantrum and she'll come back but I doubt it tbh . She's stubborn. She thinks she knows it all - must be great ! I've decided to leave it there . I'm fine alone and have been for years . I'm very sad but I can't say anything right . Nothing is going to change her opinion. I've reasoned with her , explained, apologised, grovelled, nothing it going to change her opinion of me. She was my
Baby girl and so wanted . I did absolutely everything for y kids - she says that's normal for the mum and expected. Dads are different. Mums are expected to do that stuff .
I've cried all night . But I cannot won . I thought claiming the insurance to take the bit I need was the best thing all round. He'd also get a lump sum and keep the house. She says what if he needs the insurance in the future - if we divorce that insurance won't even be there! I thought this was a sensible solution.

I've decided not to speak to her further . She's decided to go no contact now anyway .
I sent one final message saying ok . Here when you need . And left it at that . I'm absolutely heartbroken.

Hang on you were going to give him some of the insurance that will pay out for your illness as well as taking nothing from the house? Your exh can downsize and you can both live fairly comfortably if you stop being a martyr, take what you are owed.

your dd will hopefully grow out of this at some point I’m so sorry she’s treating you so badly. But you compromising over what you’re due will not change her.

Sorry that was a bit abrupt, I am so sorry she’s treating you so badly 💐

OP I’m very sorry for what you’re going through, but you’re really putting yourself at risk here with the martyrdom. Your DD is 26, I know this age very well because my younger brother is also (who I essentially raised from when I was 15-22, I’m 32 now, as my mum has MH issues she refuses to seek out help for) has turned into, well, your daughter. I won’t bother you with the details, but the only difference is he’s been switching to and from whichever parent gives him substantial money for a couple of years.

Except my dad (who has more) paid for expensive private uni 2 years (as part of a longer degree), which got him into a great job (literally via a well connected classmate) that’s going well… then after continuing to help out initially he said stop, I’m not made of money, and your sister (me - currently still recovering, almost died in ICU, the whole lot) is very ill now, she needs help (I did a competitive but non private and with a bursary, but longer, degree). He hit the roof. Said I didn’t deserve a penny after all this school (he chose not to pursue further, my parents are all for anything schooling related) and at my age (conveniently forgetting I could only start at 22 because I was looking after him).

Anyway, he went back to using my mum and is bleeding her dry (she is in the ‘ok but month by month’ category, smallish pension, very likely to have mobility issues)

Will he ever change ? No clue. I don’t know how this horrible human appeared, and I’m the idiot who raised him in his formative years… maybe I tried too hard to protect him from everything, that he feels entitled to continuing to have the semblant of ‘you deserve the moon’ mindset I tried to create to boost his self esteem at the time ?

The breaking factor for me is my dad is conscious enough to not let himself be bled dry, but my mum is on the brink of losing her flat, he knows and couldn’t care less. And somewhere in between that I became a devil who shouldn’t receive any financial help (and his goes towards restaurants and island resort holidays with richer friends (I swear he’s living in a parallel world sometimes, he earns decent money, but not at that level, and none of my parents ever did for sure), mine towards medical care, he’s the ‘spender’). There’s never been any doubt he was the apple of my parents eyes btw.

Sorry, that was too long surely, hope you feel less alone maybe at least. I’m a little less generous than you, I want my years of wasted life being a carer for way too long (when I finally left at 22, huge tantrums) back…

Please let your sister handle your finances if you don’t feel up to it. You’d better take that 50/50 OP, do it for me also💚🍀

Harsh. I'd love to hear the other side of things. Living parents don't usually end up losing their kids this way.

Red
She's not a brat but neither do I deserve this level of disdain .

I am and always was a loving parent. - she resents the fact her brother has a disability that took more of my attention but I was the parent who did everything for them both .

She has simply sided with her dad over the split , and says since I left I should get nothing , when I text saying you think I should walk away without any of my rights or entitlements she texted that back saying "you did that when you left "

I left when both children were adults and had left home .
I know she sided with her dad but I do not deserve this.

The more you post the more I have sympathy with your daughter. It's all you, you, you. As Ive said before I'd love to hear their side.

Your daughter is acting like a child and even worse still has a niave childish opinion of how life works.

Well if she wants nothing to do with you then you might as well go for what you are (more than) entitled to. Look, you are unwell. Are you really going to purposely make yourself poorer in your old age? You being a martyr isn't going to make any difference to your relationship. The house needs to be split and everything shared fairly. Look into YOUR future. You've kept your exh nice and comfortable for long enough.

I think if I do as planned she will see I'm not fleecing him and making him sell - I do think then she will come round and stop
Worrying about him so much .

He has 2 cats of 20 years old and she's accused me of killing them if I mske him move

1 cat is hers and I thought she would take her with her when she moved out . But she doesn't want a senile cat pissing n he new kitchen . 🤷🏻‍♀️

But she thinks you taking ANYTHING is more than you should get.

Do not gamble on her coming around but taking pretty much nothing. It's not about the money it's much more deep rooted.

Sounds like it's an entire childhood of resentment and it's easier to blame you than be angry that she got a raw deal.

Her Dad did nothing but he gets a free pass?

The same emotions and personality traits that kept you stuck in that marriage for far too long are coming into play again. If you just do xyz it will be ok.

Your daughter will still beat you with the same stick. How could you leave Dad, poor helpless man. That was your role to have no needs no rights.

Ah right then, you do yourself out of your financial security for the sake of two 20 year old cats. By the way, she won't come round because for some reason, you have set yourself up as a passive provider for your exh and anything you do to change that dynamic will make them despise you. You are ill. You need to start thinking about your own future. Why do think you are of less value than your exh who has sat back and let you do everything for years? People do not respect you for rolling over, your dd seems to be under the impression that men need looking after. You will be teaching her a valuable lesson if you show her otherwise.

Oh and you can get a small pension even at that age. Plus he's had 8 years to do something.

He's playing victim and teaching your DD to do the same.

Jesus Christ you need to stop.

Sounds like she really needed you and you weren't there, so now you're pushy and insisting on calls which she made clear she doesn't want, and you think that's exactly the same as if you had been there for her when she was younger.

As someone who was in a really similar situation to your DD I don't think you understand the pressure of having parents who can't look after themselves, because you're 20 and already worried about how much responsibility could fall on you soon (I'm talking about your DH here specifically). Her anger here might be misguided but it's not an easy situation.

She has also explained why she felt let down, so maybe you need to give her time to process this. In her mind, you ripped the family apart to pursue a different life, with a different man, new baby and in a new home further away. Sounds like your DH became the resident parent. Kids at uni are not so independent and still rely on their parents at home.

Is your husband manipulating your daughter to put pressure on you to take this immensely unfair settlement? I think you should be letting go of your guilt and getting a proper fair settlement. Please look after yourself because I've got a feeling no one else in your family is going to.

One wonders why.

Previous posts (a lot of which have been deleted), are very telling.

Bodega

My son lives abroad .
My dd is angry with me .

I have NEVER been ill in my life other than a cold , so I just do t think they believed I could have pneumonia. D will have been thinking "oh she's exaggerating " I'm sure because she didn't have the time or inclination to help .

I will name change again but my previous name here was vicarinatutu and I've been on this forum since my kids were 10 .

I know she's angry with me and I know why - and I can't change the pst but I've tried hard to change things .

I do t believe I warrant this level of vitriol . I was stupid thinking once they'd flown the nest I could just move out and get on with my life . I did get wrapped up in my own issues because the man I later became involved with was cruel and abusive and I became very isolated.

I also got pg and then had a tfmr which left a lot of trauma and I tried to shield everyone I knew from the fall out of how terribly abusive my partner was .

I became depressed , suicidal and isolated from friends and family.

It's taken me years to rebuild and recover . But my dd cannot forgive me and that's her prerogative- I just feel she is to some large extent rewriting history some - my massive pension for example.
She was also excited about the prospect of the baby and was asking if she could have the baby weekends etc so I guess she was conflicted.
Now she's looking back she's angrier while I am trying to grow and move on . She can't forgive and that's ok , it hurts because I love my kids and I did do everything for them

But even that she says is normal - that's a mums job apparently dads do t get involved in family admin she says .

I'm going to leave the thread here and namechage because I do t think there's much more I can say or much more advise I can get .

My plan is leave her be for the time being .
Dsis says she really is very limited in her experiences- she's never left her home town , lives a few miles away now , goes to
Dads for tea every Friday , had had 2 boyfriends both from her hometown, lived at home till 25 , worked at same place since leaving uni after the first year, and really hasn't had to grow up .

By the time I was her age I had her and her brother , a job, a mortgage, many jobs , lived in several different cities, and struggled for money , worked 2 jobs to put food on the table , and had been independent since 16 .

Now I'm ill but I've never expected them to be there - they're living their own lives and that's how it should be . I just wish she would stop interfering and talking bollocks .

I'm hoping if I leave her alone she might come round . She does t need or miss me though , so maybe she won't .

Ah Vicar, I remember you from all those years ago. Sad that things have turned out like this for you.

My eldest is the same age and has rewritten history completely about a few things and then refuses to talk about them 🙄

I remember you.

I think your ex is using your DD to a degree.

Just get a fair financial settlement- don't try and be a hero, your future is at stake here.

Frankly, it's the divorce and financials are between you and your ex. I'd stop letting her have a go at you for it. Just say it's with the solicitors if she does come back to have a go.

Ah yes I remember you now, you had a very odd relationship with your neighbour and her SEN daughter. To the point you were going to see them over Christmas rather than your own daughter?
It's all very odd but does make sense now, you post regularly about the same thing but with a slightly different story.

She's obviously going her own anger/hurt to deal with. You need to just let her be, she's an adult and entitled to her own feelings and thoughts on the matter.

If she doesn't want a relationship with you then unfortunately badgering her or trying to explain isn't going to help, just do whatever you need to do regarding financials, don't discuss it with her and just go about living your own life

Tidy

I have no idea why people have to add drama and twist things but here we go

At Xmas my kids had other plans on Xmas day but came to me Boxing Day .

So I spent Xmas day with my neighbour who happens to be my best friend because her dad was away on holiday so we cooked Xmas dinner together and spent Xmas day together.

I see NOTHING weird about that . I have no other family and nor does she .

So why the snippy snotty little comments ?