Strained relationship with dd

[AnyaMarx]

I had my kids at 19 and 25 and had a brilliant relationship with them.

When my youngest went to uni I left my husband. I now realise this wasn't the best time for dd . I was thinking bows the time as they'd both left home - but it wasn't and I accept that.

My relationship with dd has been ok but not what it was .

She's stuck firmly by her dad . And that's fine - I left - I was the bad guy .

She is now almost 26 . Through guilt initially I said dh could keep the house and I rented . That was 8 years ago.

Now I have a critical illness . I've told dh I'm going to claim on our critical illness cover and then we can divorce and financially separate. He has a new girlfriend. I'm single . I live in a rented house and I cant sustain this . My illness is bad and debilitating- my plan was claim the insurance , he pays me out from that , he keeps the house , I get a shred ownership new build so I'm secure , pay less rent . He will still win financially.

I try not to involve the kids in these talks as they are adults and have moved out - dd just bought first house with her partner and ds lives abroad .

Tonight I got a text from dd - I've always tried to stay in touch , offering visits or her and her partner to stay over - never taken up. My illness is so bad at minute I can't drive .
I've asked dd for a phone call maybe once a week but she is too busy .

The text tonight said she feels I should walk away with nothing as I'm the one who left . She feels her dad is being "done over " if I ask for any financial settlement. I bit . I argued back . I said he will keep the house - I just want to claim the Insurance so I can get a shared ownership place that's secure - my job is at risk and if that goes I can't afford my rent . She's said she doesn't want to speak to me over phone , messages are enough , she's busy , etc etc .

I'm heartbroken. I get she feels I'm the bad guy . But I asked her what she wants and what she'd be happy with ? I asked do I live in my car if I can't work and c t pay my rent ? She said I was the one who left and I should leve everything as it is with her dad as he must "be terrified " - I mean seriously even if I had t got this illness I've pud a mortgage since 1993 - I'd only be asking for half - I wouldn't make him sell up - this seemed like a solution to me to claim the critical illness and he keep th house and get some cash - I don't get it .
He's obviously been talking to her

My sister is furious with me for biting - she says let her vent , tell her we will sort it between dh and I and say nothing more .she says young people do t do phone calls these days and just let her message without pestering for a call .

I've been virtually bed ridden for months - she's never come to see me . I've kept her updated without being a drama queen but I know both her and my ex dh think I'm attention seeking and there's nothing wrong with me . He reluctantly sent me the insurance details for the critical illness policy we have in the mortgage.

I don't get it .
If I claim in that (subject to a diagnosis which I've almost got now ) I've said if he just gives me 42k from that (so I can put a 25% down on a shared ownership ) he can keep the rest and the house ! Yet I'm the bad guy ?

I've paid all our debt ! It took 6 years! I paid it all! I've been in poverty to do that .

Dd thinks I should leave everything alone because I left . I had a relationship after leaving and while I was with someone I was comfortable so didn't pursue a divorce or settlement but I left that relationship (it was very abusive ) and I've lived alone for 4 years - now I've got health issues I need to consider my future and get secure housing .

I've sat and cried . My sister says let her vent and ignore it . Everyone seems angry with me and honestly I've been nothing but reasonable! If I wanted to be a bitch I'd be making him sell up and give me half ! The more I try and be reasonable the more it seems to annoy everyone when I say I'd like something from the marriage (which is now 31 years!).

It seems the only way to make everyone happy is walk away with nothing .

My sister says stop arguing with dd . Say fine . Don't worry - we'll sort it .
Yes I know she's right but I bit tonight - I've not been able to drive or walk for 9 weeks now and counting and no one has helped me . I'm tired , I'll
And in pain . They don't believe me - but I'm on the verge of diagnosis and it's real ! (Rheumatoid arthritis most likely ) It's like they all think I'm being a drama queen and should shut up and fuck off .

I'm hurt . Feel let down . Whatever I do next - dd isn't going to be happy and will take dh side unless I walk away with nothing from a 31 year marriage. We married in 1991 and bought our first house in 1993 . I did everything. Had the kids at 19 and 25 - eldest had meningitis and was disabled and I did everything- worked , ran the house , shopped , -all the medical appointments and all the house admin and dh while a hard worker at his job did nothing to help me - everything was mine to sort . He had poor hygiene. He was impotent . I was 19 when we married . He isn't a saint - yet the kids seem to think he is and I'm the devil incarnate for leaving . I think I actually had a proper mental breakdown at that time and I ran .

Now I don't know what to do .

Because having initially given you plenty of advice and my sympathy on your previous thread it did become decidedly odd the more information you gave and i dont believe your daughter was entirely in the wrong having cut communication with you. Same again on this thread, you get masses if sympathy and advice (God only knows why, you clearly are no further forward with regards to a fair split of your assets) only to ignore most of it.
No doubt you will post something to tug at people's heart strings in another 6 months.
I am not entirely sure what you hope to gain from these post to be honest?

And sometimes the neighbour’s DD is an angel who she wants to borrow money from for a night out and other times she’s a tyrant.

All very odd indeed.

The neighb dd has PDA and ADHD so yes sometimes she's an angel and sometimes a tyrant . Very apt . Exactly how she presents .

What did I hope to get ?

Advice on how to approach things with my dd .

I have consulted a solicitor but the advice from them has been to wait until I get my diagnosis in order to claim on the critical illness cover and then we can separate financially and divorce - neither of us has had the spare cash to pay for a divorce up to
Now .

Really if you don't believe me or do t want to engage- then feel free to not post . I'd prefer it . I really do t have time for hateful or spiteful comments.

Over the years I've given a lot of time and advice freely here . And now I find myself in need of the same .

Honestly: my advice is genuinely to consult a counsellor or therapist, to help with you issues around boundaries.

My boundaries have been really good this pst few years- I have a best friend who I spent Xmas with because both our families were elsewhere.

I spend one evening a week with her and sometimes we even go out to the local !

I go round now when she has a child free weekend. He dd is too much hard work . If I go and she's there she won't leave me alone . She also calls her mother a fat pig, and idiot , tells her to fuck off , hits her and I do t want to see that anymore.

I also adopted a new strategy with her dd .

The moment she starts to become abusive - either to me , which she does , or to her mother , I disengage and go home .

If I am in my garden and her dd comes out shouting me name - I engage until she becomes abusive and then I tell her I'm leaving and go inside .

She courts my attention. She usually begins doing this nicely - and then becomes abusive , calling me names or saying my name , and when I respond with "yes xxx? " if she tells me she doesn't like me , or calls me a pig , or an idiot , or to shut up or go
Away , I simply go inside .

I still speak to her (unlike the other neighbours) . She has just been excluded from school for bullying. I've offered previously to help neighbour apply for an EHCP (because parents can apply not just the school) but my friend is simply too
Exhausted . I did get a statement of special educational needs for my son and I know how to do it - but i do t push it because it's up to her . So my boundaries are very clear . I've told friend that I'm not being rude but when she starts to
Abuse me - I'm leaving or if I'm in my garden , I'm going in .

My boundaries are very good . I've applied this to all walks of life lately . It's very empowering.

👍🏽

Can I also explain previous threads that have been deleted

My ex I am sure had a key logger or something because he new every single time I posted on here

He registered with MN to reply .
He coerced me into an abortion midway through a pregnancy because she had Down's syndrome.
He stalked absolutely everything I did on line . So many threads were deleted at y request.
He was a controlling, abusive arse . He probably still stalks me now . His image was everything to him . He didn't like what I said . He systematically took away every single support network I had including here .

He can't now . But I do namechange.

Which is why it's clear he has poisoned your DD her whole life against you.

Start putting yourself first and get the financial settlement that is fair.

No
Not my ex husband

The partner I lived with after the marriage.

Ex hub is a gentle soul. He was never controlling or abusive .

Ex hub is a good and decent man . A good dad . Dd adores him for that reason.

That's why I hesitate to throw a bomb into the mix . If he had been an arse it would be easy ! But he isn't . He's a kind and gentle soul .

But he doesn't need a family home to live in on his own?

If he's a genuinely kind, decent and gentle man then he will not want you to spend your later years struggling for money while ill.

If he's a genuinely kind, decent and gentle man then he will encourage your daughter to stop bullying you about stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with her and not allow her to attempt to blackmail you on his behalf.

Your daughter is never going to let you be the good guy. She's made her mind up about you and it's heartbreaking that she's done that but it's the reality.

So you can either be more poor and uncomfortable than is necessary, with a daughter who is unkind to you, or less poor and uncomfortable with a daughter who is unkind to you.

She isn't going to change. You can't win her over. So there's absolutely no point in taking less than is fair. You're just going to make yourself less happy and more ill.

Sounds as if you should be talking to your DH about the split, divorce and financial settlement rather than your DD. If he is as kind and gentle and good as you say he should see you are being more than fair. Most divorce settlements are not decided on the basis of who walked out and certainly if you do leave that does not mean you get nothing. The assumption is that the assets are split 50/50 regardless of who left who. Once the critical illness claim is sorted then is it paid out jointly or just to you as you are the one who has RA?

I have a suspicion that your soon to be ex is worried you will be getting the full payout and does not care that you have a debilitating condition or he would not be filling your DDs ears with poison and would be helping you out as you are ill. Nothing like money to bring out the nastiness in some people.

I know .

Thank you . Genuinely thank you I know I've posted before and I must be really getting on people's nerves. But I really do appreciate the advice .

I text both dh and dd about the current mortgage rate hike and asked dh his thoughts on claiming the critical illness insurance but neither seem to be speaking to me now .

Your DH is happy with the status quo he has it very financially comfortable of course he doesn't want the apple cart upset.

Change is hard but he's nearly a decade to know this would happen, the FMH would need to be sold. He's been an ostrich but that's on him.

Thanks . Random I appreciate your comments - you've been here as long as me I think

I'm just so genuinely heartbroken that this is how things have turned out with my dd - dh has every right to hate me - but the kids ? I sacrificed so much for them .
The end came when I joined the job - for me and dh . He wouldn't get a job that paid or ask for a rise (he went 9 bloody years without a pay rise ) so I got a career but he didn't like it .
He's quite anti establishment. And I became the establishment. He wouldn't even go to uni despite having the most remarkable brain and intelligence I've ever known . He's anti uni .
Our dd has zero life experience. Maybe - maybe one day that will change . I hope for her it doesnt really as she's a wide eyed innocent .

Dh has read my messages on the mortgage rate hike and asking his opinion on the critical illness policy but he's chosen not to reply .

I saw my gp again today and she also thinks this is RA. She was surprised I got a consultant appt within a month as our wait lists here are typically 13 months but she made an urgent referral, I have widespread inflammation now including my heart, lungs and vascular system.
I've had to pay someone to help me around the house .
She was very sweet really as she had to check and double check my dob- she said I don't look anywhere near my age and thought I would have young children ☺️. She checked my dob again when I told her my kid are 31 and 26 ! I laughed and told her yes I'm 51 feeling 91 but looking 31 !

Irony . I look in fine fettle . My joints are about 90 .
I can't even carry a basket of washing up the stairs . I need both hands to get up there .
I feel totally fucked in every way possible.

I've also peddled the idea that IF I can lain the insurance I take a chunk to get a shared ownership house and he gets the house and the rest of the insurance .

I've always been more than fair I think .

I think it's him speaking to dd about the finances - I've just tried to reassure her that I won't "do him over " ash she put it .

I'm not sure if you're aware of the extent you (I know these aren't real words, but hopefully my meaning is clear) anti-stealth-boast/downright slag off your DD

Over MANY threads in repeated posts you malign her horribly and occasionally caveat it with a chucked in
~ but I love her
~ it's not her fault
~ she has lots to blame me for

Before putting the boot in AGAIN about how selfish and mean she is

For those of us who've read many of your posts, it seems manipulative.
Manipulating posters on here, I mean.
Minimising your contribution to the situation.
Up-playing your - no doubt horrendous - health issues

They are real words .

That definitely not been my intention.

Without adding drama - I've been contemplating what the solution could be and I've been weighing up all the options including if I died - I have very good insurance cover with work . If I were to die - dh keeps the house , he gets the mortgage paid off in full , he gets my pension AND he would get my life insurance of 120k PLUS the kids would get a pay out too .

I have many options . That's just one . But I never for a moment thought my dd would cut me out of her life over this . It isn't really her fault at all. She feels I let her down and I did . We dont seem to be able to mend it . Ds is as he has always been . He's in Armenia at the minute . He stays out of things .

I made a choice 9 years ago that has broken everything since and now appears unrepairable . I am living with that .

I do t seem to have a very bright future and I'm not up playing my health issues .

I've down played them if anything. I'm sure they think "oh athritis - well
Your old . Get on with it "

It's auto immune . Not wear and tear .
Y entire body is attacking itself . Very apt . My mind is joining in .

They aren't just words . And yes your meaning is very clear . Thank you for the insight . I always thought I'd put everyone else first .

I'm interested to
Know what MANY threads I've slagged dd off on ?

As you've said yourself, most of your threads have been deleted

I've tried to copy and paste all the ways you've overtly and covertly slagged your dd off just in this thread alone.

I was copying and pasting them all into an email message to copy onto here, but it crashed. Probably because of overload.

Shall I try again in the morning? Or would you rather I didn't?

This.