I had my kids at 19 and 25 and had a brilliant relationship with them.
When my youngest went to uni I left my husband. I now realise this wasn't the best time for dd . I was thinking bows the time as they'd both left home - but it wasn't and I accept that.
My relationship with dd has been ok but not what it was .
She's stuck firmly by her dad . And that's fine - I left - I was the bad guy .
She is now almost 26 . Through guilt initially I said dh could keep the house and I rented . That was 8 years ago.
Now I have a critical illness . I've told dh I'm going to claim on our critical illness cover and then we can divorce and financially separate. He has a new girlfriend. I'm single . I live in a rented house and I cant sustain this . My illness is bad and debilitating- my plan was claim the insurance , he pays me out from that , he keeps the house , I get a shred ownership new build so I'm secure , pay less rent . He will still win financially.
I try not to involve the kids in these talks as they are adults and have moved out - dd just bought first house with her partner and ds lives abroad .
Tonight I got a text from dd - I've always tried to stay in touch , offering visits or her and her partner to stay over - never taken up. My illness is so bad at minute I can't drive .
I've asked dd for a phone call maybe once a week but she is too busy .
The text tonight said she feels I should walk away with nothing as I'm the one who left . She feels her dad is being "done over " if I ask for any financial settlement. I bit . I argued back . I said he will keep the house - I just want to claim the Insurance so I can get a shared ownership place that's secure - my job is at risk and if that goes I can't afford my rent . She's said she doesn't want to speak to me over phone , messages are enough , she's busy , etc etc .
I'm heartbroken. I get she feels I'm the bad guy . But I asked her what she wants and what she'd be happy with ? I asked do I live in my car if I can't work and c t pay my rent ? She said I was the one who left and I should leve everything as it is with her dad as he must "be terrified " - I mean seriously even if I had t got this illness I've pud a mortgage since 1993 - I'd only be asking for half - I wouldn't make him sell up - this seemed like a solution to me to claim the critical illness and he keep th house and get some cash - I don't get it .
He's obviously been talking to her
My sister is furious with me for biting - she says let her vent , tell her we will sort it between dh and I and say nothing more .she says young people do t do phone calls these days and just let her message without pestering for a call .
I've been virtually bed ridden for months - she's never come to see me . I've kept her updated without being a drama queen but I know both her and my ex dh think I'm attention seeking and there's nothing wrong with me . He reluctantly sent me the insurance details for the critical illness policy we have in the mortgage.
I don't get it .
If I claim in that (subject to a diagnosis which I've almost got now ) I've said if he just gives me 42k from that (so I can put a 25% down on a shared ownership ) he can keep the rest and the house ! Yet I'm the bad guy ?
I've paid all our debt ! It took 6 years! I paid it all! I've been in poverty to do that .
Dd thinks I should leave everything alone because I left . I had a relationship after leaving and while I was with someone I was comfortable so didn't pursue a divorce or settlement but I left that relationship (it was very abusive ) and I've lived alone for 4 years - now I've got health issues I need to consider my future and get secure housing .
I've sat and cried . My sister says let her vent and ignore it . Everyone seems angry with me and honestly I've been nothing but reasonable! If I wanted to be a bitch I'd be making him sell up and give me half ! The more I try and be reasonable the more it seems to annoy everyone when I say I'd like something from the marriage (which is now 31 years!).
It seems the only way to make everyone happy is walk away with nothing .
My sister says stop arguing with dd . Say fine . Don't worry - we'll sort it .
Yes I know she's right but I bit tonight - I've not been able to drive or walk for 9 weeks now and counting and no one has helped me . I'm tired , I'll
And in pain . They don't believe me - but I'm on the verge of diagnosis and it's real ! (Rheumatoid arthritis most likely ) It's like they all think I'm being a drama queen and should shut up and fuck off .
I'm hurt . Feel let down . Whatever I do next - dd isn't going to be happy and will take dh side unless I walk away with nothing from a 31 year marriage. We married in 1991 and bought our first house in 1993 . I did everything. Had the kids at 19 and 25 - eldest had meningitis and was disabled and I did everything- worked , ran the house , shopped , -all the medical appointments and all the house admin and dh while a hard worker at his job did nothing to help me - everything was mine to sort . He had poor hygiene. He was impotent . I was 19 when we married . He isn't a saint - yet the kids seem to think he is and I'm the devil incarnate for leaving . I think I actually had a proper mental breakdown at that time and I ran .
Now I don't know what to do .