Strained relationship with dd

[AnyaMarx]

I had my kids at 19 and 25 and had a brilliant relationship with them.

When my youngest went to uni I left my husband. I now realise this wasn't the best time for dd . I was thinking bows the time as they'd both left home - but it wasn't and I accept that.

My relationship with dd has been ok but not what it was .

She's stuck firmly by her dad . And that's fine - I left - I was the bad guy .

She is now almost 26 . Through guilt initially I said dh could keep the house and I rented . That was 8 years ago.

Now I have a critical illness . I've told dh I'm going to claim on our critical illness cover and then we can divorce and financially separate. He has a new girlfriend. I'm single . I live in a rented house and I cant sustain this . My illness is bad and debilitating- my plan was claim the insurance , he pays me out from that , he keeps the house , I get a shred ownership new build so I'm secure , pay less rent . He will still win financially.

I try not to involve the kids in these talks as they are adults and have moved out - dd just bought first house with her partner and ds lives abroad .

Tonight I got a text from dd - I've always tried to stay in touch , offering visits or her and her partner to stay over - never taken up. My illness is so bad at minute I can't drive .
I've asked dd for a phone call maybe once a week but she is too busy .

The text tonight said she feels I should walk away with nothing as I'm the one who left . She feels her dad is being "done over " if I ask for any financial settlement. I bit . I argued back . I said he will keep the house - I just want to claim the Insurance so I can get a shared ownership place that's secure - my job is at risk and if that goes I can't afford my rent . She's said she doesn't want to speak to me over phone , messages are enough , she's busy , etc etc .

I'm heartbroken. I get she feels I'm the bad guy . But I asked her what she wants and what she'd be happy with ? I asked do I live in my car if I can't work and c t pay my rent ? She said I was the one who left and I should leve everything as it is with her dad as he must "be terrified " - I mean seriously even if I had t got this illness I've pud a mortgage since 1993 - I'd only be asking for half - I wouldn't make him sell up - this seemed like a solution to me to claim the critical illness and he keep th house and get some cash - I don't get it .
He's obviously been talking to her

My sister is furious with me for biting - she says let her vent , tell her we will sort it between dh and I and say nothing more .she says young people do t do phone calls these days and just let her message without pestering for a call .

I've been virtually bed ridden for months - she's never come to see me . I've kept her updated without being a drama queen but I know both her and my ex dh think I'm attention seeking and there's nothing wrong with me . He reluctantly sent me the insurance details for the critical illness policy we have in the mortgage.

I don't get it .
If I claim in that (subject to a diagnosis which I've almost got now ) I've said if he just gives me 42k from that (so I can put a 25% down on a shared ownership ) he can keep the rest and the house ! Yet I'm the bad guy ?

I've paid all our debt ! It took 6 years! I paid it all! I've been in poverty to do that .

Dd thinks I should leave everything alone because I left . I had a relationship after leaving and while I was with someone I was comfortable so didn't pursue a divorce or settlement but I left that relationship (it was very abusive ) and I've lived alone for 4 years - now I've got health issues I need to consider my future and get secure housing .

I've sat and cried . My sister says let her vent and ignore it . Everyone seems angry with me and honestly I've been nothing but reasonable! If I wanted to be a bitch I'd be making him sell up and give me half ! The more I try and be reasonable the more it seems to annoy everyone when I say I'd like something from the marriage (which is now 31 years!).

It seems the only way to make everyone happy is walk away with nothing .

My sister says stop arguing with dd . Say fine . Don't worry - we'll sort it .
Yes I know she's right but I bit tonight - I've not been able to drive or walk for 9 weeks now and counting and no one has helped me . I'm tired , I'll
And in pain . They don't believe me - but I'm on the verge of diagnosis and it's real ! (Rheumatoid arthritis most likely ) It's like they all think I'm being a drama queen and should shut up and fuck off .

I'm hurt . Feel let down . Whatever I do next - dd isn't going to be happy and will take dh side unless I walk away with nothing from a 31 year marriage. We married in 1991 and bought our first house in 1993 . I did everything. Had the kids at 19 and 25 - eldest had meningitis and was disabled and I did everything- worked , ran the house , shopped , -all the medical appointments and all the house admin and dh while a hard worker at his job did nothing to help me - everything was mine to sort . He had poor hygiene. He was impotent . I was 19 when we married . He isn't a saint - yet the kids seem to think he is and I'm the devil incarnate for leaving . I think I actually had a proper mental breakdown at that time and I ran .

Now I don't know what to do .

No please
Do . You said threads . So disregard this one .
I'm interested in these many other threads .

Fill your boots .

My other threads that were deleted were not about dd

They were about the abusive relationship I was in .

Aside from this thread - I would be very interested in seeing all your evidence for your claims in my other threads .

I'll
Await with baited breath.

You said other threads .

So disregarding this thread . Show
Me what other threads .

I've searched . Go on . Show
Me these many other threads .

I have posted on other threads of yours in the past. I've 'followed' your story. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It must be heartbreaking for you.

I don't suppose you could live with your sister. RA can be quite debilitating long term.

Thank you . No I can't live with my sister . Lots of reasons for that . She's. Along way away from me . I am still working but for how long I've no idea .
I'm currently completely immobile but I'm hopeful that treatment might reverse that .
Dd doesn't realise how immobile I am . She's never seen me iill- I think to her I'm invincible.
Dh won't want to believe it . They remember me as I was - not how I am now .

I think you enjoy your role as martyr. For what reason I don't know, you see it as your punishment? Doesn't matter why I suppose. You get something out of it though. You aren't going to do anything proactive to get your fair share so I think you need to start making the best of what you have now.
If by any chance you are waiting for them to have a gotcha moment and feel terrible guilt and shame over the way they have treated you since you split, they won't. If you think after you have gone they see how much pain you were in and how poor you were, that they will feel anything, you are wrong. I wouldnt blame them either. You have meekly accepted your lot in life, thats not their fault. All this martyr stuff will be for nothing. It's your choice though.

You're still working but are completely immobile?
I appreciate everyone's health conditions present differently but my husband has lived with RA for the last 15 years and is still working in a manual job, in fact I know a few people who have the condition and they do suffer but no one is completely immobile.
You do seem hell bent on martyrdom and getting as much sympathy on here as possible, is it likely that your daughter quite simply has compassion fatigue? (I know you will post paragraphs about how you have valiantly hidden all of this from her and she has no idea how much you suffer bravely and silently!)
It's clear that you are the heroine of your own story and if only everyone else could see it life would be hunky dory. Instead of trying to twist everyone to fit your narrative just divorce the ex, take the 50%you are entitled to and live a life with a less woe is me attitude. Perhaps your daughter might find some respect for you then.

I think this is a very complex situation and your DH and each of your own children have their own stories to tell of the lives they have lived.

OP, you need to move on from this. Disengage. Get officially divorced. Nothing is going to improve with your kids as long as you are caught up in this vortex. Maybe down the road they will want a relationship, maybe they won't. However at some point, you owning your part in this and apologizing will go a long way with mending the harms your kids have experienced. However they get to decide if they want a relationship with you or not and you get to set boundaries if they are not able to engage in a healthy way.

I have owned and I have apologised. Again and again. I w suggested family counselling.
I suppose that's being a martyr ?

And yes tidy I'm immobile - I'm not on any treatment yet , this last flare up has affected both feet , both ankles and both knees so walking ans driving is difficult . Ive w a for note to
Work from home , and do so from bed .

I hope once treatment starts I'll be moving again .
It's affected my heart , lungs , and vascular system as well as my feet ankles knees elbows and hands .

I'm very glad your dh is fit and healthy and working his manual job . That's wonderful.
Are you saying however that because he does it means everyone else who can't is faking it ?

Here the wait list for rheumatology is 13 months.
My gp has got me seen within 6 weeks , presumably because I'm immobile .
When well up to 16 months ago I also had a manual job , ran 3 times a week , walked my dogs , did hitt workouts 3 times a week and yoga . I was for and active . I've struggled to
Get a referral to rheumatologist , only after this last flare up and blood tests did a gp believe it was RA so I've been floundering on for years .

I wish people would take their sanctimonious shit elsewhere.

I'm not lying or ex and no- the kids not ex know anything about it other than I've got it .

I haven't taken 50% through guilt and yes - I thought if I did the children would blame me for the circumstances their father would find himself in that were not of his making.

They do already .

Sometimes apologies aren’t enough. Apologies don’t undo the harm caused, and they don’t oblige forgiveness. Sometimes people do indeed try to forgive and move on, but find themselves unable to do so despite their best efforts.

There’s a clearly a lot of pain here that runs very deep, and the story here is likely to read very differently from the perspective of your daughter.

That is something that, for your own sake, you’re going to need to try and come to terms with.

I really really hope once you start your treatment and hopefully you start feeling better, you feel strong enough to go get the ball rolling with a solicitor. You will be no better thought of leaving your exDH the house etc. Look out for YOUR future because no one else will. You need as much as you can get to live comfortably, in the physical sense. You've spent your whole adult life sacrificing to make sure everyone around you is ok and where as it got you?

Well she's talking to me again at least

I've told her how much I love her. Acknowledged I've been a crap mum for the last few years but said my love her has never changed and I want to make things better if I can .

I've taken a bloom and wild subscription out to send her fresh flowers monthly .

I want to change our relationship back
To what it was but I realise this will be hard work and I need to put the work in .

She seems to think because her brother needed my fight he was the favourite- he wasn't . I love them both so much but he was the one who needed someone to fight his corner due to his asd - she was actually so much easier that she was easier to love in many ways .
I've tried to explain that . And said no matter what - I will love her always .

My dh has also said he agrees a claim on the critical illness insurance is a good idea so maybe he talked to her .

I'm wondering if the cats meow is my narcissistic abusive ex

He used to stalk me on here .

Hi mark ! !

He created account here to stalk me
I'm suspicious.

He followed me here . Is that you ? I've not had a drink for 6 months.

Quadruple-posting rants near midnight doesn't do much for your sobriety claims...

Just go to bed. Posting incoherent posts doesn’t help you .

I am
Completely sober and I really don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks

I gave up all alcohol 6 months ago.

I have the app " I am sober "

I do not need to justify myself to Mumsnet .
Or my ex . Stalker . Nut job .

I'm a French woman, so no. Just a French woman with a very good memory.

You've mentioned having a drink several times here over the past few weeks. Were you lying about that?

completely sober

😅😆😅😆are you telling us or yourself??? 🤔