Strained relationship with dd

[AnyaMarx]

I had my kids at 19 and 25 and had a brilliant relationship with them.

When my youngest went to uni I left my husband. I now realise this wasn't the best time for dd . I was thinking bows the time as they'd both left home - but it wasn't and I accept that.

My relationship with dd has been ok but not what it was .

She's stuck firmly by her dad . And that's fine - I left - I was the bad guy .

She is now almost 26 . Through guilt initially I said dh could keep the house and I rented . That was 8 years ago.

Now I have a critical illness . I've told dh I'm going to claim on our critical illness cover and then we can divorce and financially separate. He has a new girlfriend. I'm single . I live in a rented house and I cant sustain this . My illness is bad and debilitating- my plan was claim the insurance , he pays me out from that , he keeps the house , I get a shred ownership new build so I'm secure , pay less rent . He will still win financially.

I try not to involve the kids in these talks as they are adults and have moved out - dd just bought first house with her partner and ds lives abroad .

Tonight I got a text from dd - I've always tried to stay in touch , offering visits or her and her partner to stay over - never taken up. My illness is so bad at minute I can't drive .
I've asked dd for a phone call maybe once a week but she is too busy .

The text tonight said she feels I should walk away with nothing as I'm the one who left . She feels her dad is being "done over " if I ask for any financial settlement. I bit . I argued back . I said he will keep the house - I just want to claim the Insurance so I can get a shared ownership place that's secure - my job is at risk and if that goes I can't afford my rent . She's said she doesn't want to speak to me over phone , messages are enough , she's busy , etc etc .

I'm heartbroken. I get she feels I'm the bad guy . But I asked her what she wants and what she'd be happy with ? I asked do I live in my car if I can't work and c t pay my rent ? She said I was the one who left and I should leve everything as it is with her dad as he must "be terrified " - I mean seriously even if I had t got this illness I've pud a mortgage since 1993 - I'd only be asking for half - I wouldn't make him sell up - this seemed like a solution to me to claim the critical illness and he keep th house and get some cash - I don't get it .
He's obviously been talking to her

My sister is furious with me for biting - she says let her vent , tell her we will sort it between dh and I and say nothing more .she says young people do t do phone calls these days and just let her message without pestering for a call .

I've been virtually bed ridden for months - she's never come to see me . I've kept her updated without being a drama queen but I know both her and my ex dh think I'm attention seeking and there's nothing wrong with me . He reluctantly sent me the insurance details for the critical illness policy we have in the mortgage.

I don't get it .
If I claim in that (subject to a diagnosis which I've almost got now ) I've said if he just gives me 42k from that (so I can put a 25% down on a shared ownership ) he can keep the rest and the house ! Yet I'm the bad guy ?

I've paid all our debt ! It took 6 years! I paid it all! I've been in poverty to do that .

Dd thinks I should leave everything alone because I left . I had a relationship after leaving and while I was with someone I was comfortable so didn't pursue a divorce or settlement but I left that relationship (it was very abusive ) and I've lived alone for 4 years - now I've got health issues I need to consider my future and get secure housing .

I've sat and cried . My sister says let her vent and ignore it . Everyone seems angry with me and honestly I've been nothing but reasonable! If I wanted to be a bitch I'd be making him sell up and give me half ! The more I try and be reasonable the more it seems to annoy everyone when I say I'd like something from the marriage (which is now 31 years!).

It seems the only way to make everyone happy is walk away with nothing .

My sister says stop arguing with dd . Say fine . Don't worry - we'll sort it .
Yes I know she's right but I bit tonight - I've not been able to drive or walk for 9 weeks now and counting and no one has helped me . I'm tired , I'll
And in pain . They don't believe me - but I'm on the verge of diagnosis and it's real ! (Rheumatoid arthritis most likely ) It's like they all think I'm being a drama queen and should shut up and fuck off .

I'm hurt . Feel let down . Whatever I do next - dd isn't going to be happy and will take dh side unless I walk away with nothing from a 31 year marriage. We married in 1991 and bought our first house in 1993 . I did everything. Had the kids at 19 and 25 - eldest had meningitis and was disabled and I did everything- worked , ran the house , shopped , -all the medical appointments and all the house admin and dh while a hard worker at his job did nothing to help me - everything was mine to sort . He had poor hygiene. He was impotent . I was 19 when we married . He isn't a saint - yet the kids seem to think he is and I'm the devil incarnate for leaving . I think I actually had a proper mental breakdown at that time and I ran .

Now I don't know what to do .

Op,

You have posted about this before.

Your husband suited himself for years and continued to do so until you left.

Your daughter has made her position towards you very clear.

She has not changed her position.

You deserve every penny from the house you paid for.
You cleared their debts.

You are now ill.

You are mixing up the issues which is a huge mistake.

Your husband has been more than happy to work only to suit himself and he wants that house for his new life and relationship.

You are being so foolish to not get EVERY penny you deserve.

You think they are going to come back to you and care.

They wont.

They don't care.

I'm sorry but it is true.

All you will do is hand over money that you need for your future.

Your finances are none of your daughters business.

Stop discussing your divorce with her.

Get a solicitor, get the house sold, get every penny you can.

You keep asking the same question.

You are the one that will pay with your future of financial hardship.

Your daughter will not come and visit if you hand over all your money.

You need to accept your reality.

It is hard and hurtful, but your denial and hope that things will change with her, will change nothing.

Get as much money as you can, force the sale.

If you don't and live in poverty, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Be wary of screwing yourself over and expecting your sister to sit by and watch it.

People often walk away from those who insist on making bad decisions that hurt themselves.

It is exhausting to be around people who will not help themselves.

Your husband does not deserve the house when you have paid for so much for so long.

They don't care for you or what happens to you.

You are the only one who can make the decisions that protect your uncertain future.

Wishing you well.

I knew this sounded familiar.

please look after yourself. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you.

This post feels very familiar. If I'm right in thinking you've posted before, what new insight do you want from this thread? If not, instruct a solicitor and make it clear to your dd you won't be discussing it with her.

It is absolutely insane that you are pandering to your unreasonable, immature daughter. You will always be wrong in her eyes so stop caring what she thinks.

File for divorce and go after every single bit you're entitled to.

@AnyaMarx it's time to stop blaming yourself and self-martyring for the sake of your brat daughter. You did more than most men do who leave!

She is choosing not to understand. Her Daddy-is-Perfect glow is self imposed and nothing you ever say or do will change her mind.

Please see a solicitor and get what you are owed. That is a share of the house too!

You've funded your ex long enough over misplaced guilt.

No one should be forced to stay in an unhappy marriage. You were young and you tried. You didn't lie or cheat or abuse anyone so now you deserve your fair share.

Yes, your arsehole daughter may choose to not speak to you but you cannot control that. One day she may see the light but it will probably be too late. Stop tip toeing around her. There won't be a revelation any time soon even if you went and lived in your car to keep them afloat.

Look after yourself. Forgive yourself and live your life.

Thanks everyone.

I've got the number of a solicitor. Going to
Get the ball rolling.

You are right thre is nothing I can do re dd right now - the world is black and white to her - she's never dealt with anything.

I'm sure she loves me and I love her it's just strained right now I hope one day we can mend it .

I don't understand why you feel so guilty or why your daughter is so angry. Did you cheat? Does he say you were abusive?

I was sure I had read this before!
Stop pussy footing around the other adults in your life and get on with the divorce.
Your ex-husband will just have to get off his arse and fund his own lifestyle from now on....he won't give up easily as you made life simple for him for over thirty years but it's tough, he can manage on his own!

Yeah it's me again ....I was basically pussy footing trying to broach the idea in a gentle way but it's not worked .

I think dd felt I didn't just leave the marriage but abandoned her - I was thinking they've both left home bows the time - it wasn't .

Plus the man I did go on to have my next relationship with was very abusive where her dad was a very gentle soul (weak but kind hearted ) and my next partner was vicious and cruel - while I tried to hide a lot from the kids they saw it when visiting etc and I moved 30 miles away to be closer to work .

I was never abusive and no I don't think my husband would say I was - I was the doer- he would ask me to make his dentist appointments etc and when I left he stopped looking after himself. I think she blames me for all of that . And now it's like "I haven't got time for you - you didn't have time for me when you moved " even if that was t how I remember it . I was a very hands on mum and then I moved 30 miles away . Dad was still there . Sides were picked .

Your daughters 26. She's not a child. She lived in the house with you and your husband, she'll have picked up vibes, heard conversations and comments, etc. She's making a judgement on what she's seen and what she feels. Her version might not be your version, and probably neither version is the exact truth but it's one she believes happened. You're not going to change her mind on the past, no matter your pleas nor your illness. Only time will change that as she experiences life and learns things are never black and white nor clear cut.
It's unclear why you've let this situation drag on along as you have, but it's very clear it's done you no favours. Divorce him and go for a fair settlement. Then you're in a better position to start putting back together your relationships with your children.
Just to add, the children of a relative of mine treated him appallingly because of what they believed happened in the marriage. They were in their early 30s before the truth dawned so don't give up hope. Just be there for them and keep plugging away.

I don’t think OP is ‘wrong’, but I see no point in condemning the daughter as an immature brat. I remember your previous threads OP - iirc you left for someone else, moved away, had another baby, and only saw her sporadically. She also saw the impact on the father she loves. That obviously had a massive impact on her, and whilst a parent may want their kid to understand from their pov, that doesn’t mean that they will, at the time or indeed ever.

Condemning her for feeling as she does isn’t going to change her mind, or repair the relationship. It may be the case that the relationship is irreparable.

I left and lived alone for 18 months.

I did not leave for someone else . I left because I had feelings for someone else - I lived alone when I left and did not have a relationship for over a year

Yes I got pg at 44 but the baby had a chromosomal disorder and did not survive .

I lived with someone for a while but it was abusive and I left - again I live alone . I didn't "move away" I live a 35 min drive away .

She is not a brat . But she seems to want me to hand everything g to my ex because she believes he deserves it where I don't - she has lived a charmed life and part of that was because I made it so . She does not know that there were any marital issues . Her dad is a good soul and I don't want her to take sides - I just want to be able to fairly split and us both move on .

The man you started a relationship with was the man you had feelings for though, I believe?

I’m not saying you are wrong, but I’m not saying your daughter is either. She left home with what she thought was a stable and intact family, and then all of a sudden her mother has left her father and started a new family. Not only was she dealing with her own feelings about it all, but she was witness to her fathers as well.

you are more than entitled to get divorced and seek what’s fair - it is NOT your daughter’s business, whatever her age

I would send her a message explaining why you left and the timing. I would also say that you and dad need to finalise divorce and finances and he shouldn't be discussing this with you. Acknowledge her anger towards you but ask her to consider there are circumstances dad won't have told her about and decisions made between you and that you didn't abandon your DC. Then leave it at that.

I don't feel there is anything to gain in trying to explain anything to her anymore . I've done it . I've prostrated myself , I've apologised, rationalised , reasoned and it makes absolutely zero difference.

I'm just going to leave it now . There is nothing I can do .

I asked if she could give me a 10 min time slot for a phone call once a week . The answer is no .

After a bollocking from dsis I've resolved not to try and explain anything anymore because it's backfiring. She won't hear a bad word re her father and that's good - meant I hid a lot ! And we did get on . It wasn't a terrible disaster of a marriage.

I'm just leaving it now - the reason I'd been staying in touch was she accused me of not bothering with her so I made a concerted effort to check in but now that seems to be irritating her.

I have to accept I have ruined what was a good - a great bond once but that's my bad and it seems what's done is done and I can't alter her perception so I need to stop trying .

Thanks x

Dd house is worth double ours - I tried to say you're doing better than me in some sort of attempt to explain but she took offence and said why can't I just be proud of her instead of comparing. 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I wasn't I was simply trying to show her she had no worries housing wise and one of the reasons dh has kept ploughing on with him keeping the house is so we have some inheritance to leave them

That's fine but I need it more right now ! That's all I was trying to explain but then it's turned around and I'm not proud ? I give up I really do

I had a very difficult start and I was homeless at 16 and that's probably the main reason I married so young

Dd knows very little of my younger life .
I was determined not to repeat mistakes of the past and I e been nc with my own mother 25 years but for very different reasons- she allowed her husband (my stepfather ) to sexually abuse me , physically abuse me, and I was neglected ( no clothes , one pair of knickers , one school shirt , no shoes , no bra , no hot water , no bedding ) so this is hard for me - all I did was leave a marriage that was driving me into the ground . My kids still got everything. I waited until they left home . ( I nearly left dh in 94 but he said he would not be a part time father and would never see our ds again and I was a soft git and couldn't do that to a 3 year old )

So I stayed . And did the drudge and the grind and put up with the constant nights alone due to his job and the snoring at weekends and the impotence and the need for me to make every appt and sort every single thing for an entire family despite having shit organisation skills myself (I'm likely if tested to have asd) but I did it all and I made it work and then when it was clear no one else was gonna step up I got myself a career so far out of my own comfort zone because we needed one of us to earn something my counsellor said she was in awe of me - and I said oh shut up ! And carried on .

Sometimes I wish I would just drop dead with no pain or suffering and it all be done with .

Maybe then when I'm in a box they'll be happy and I'll be able to stop worrying.

I don’t think your dd is ever going to treat you how you would like her to op. I think you need to file for divorce and stop waiting for her approval - you aren’t going to get it from her. Her past actions have shown you that!

Your daughter might never understand, if you give everything to your ex she might still feel the same. It would be an act of self harm to not pursue what you are entitled to. You are unwell, you may not find it easy to work, you need every penny that you are owed. For the love of god don’t chuck it away for someone who might very well continue to treat you with contempt regardless.

I've sent her a message - abut my history , not gone into detail - just tried to put down what I feel , how I know I went wrong , why I think I did that , how proud I am of her and her brother , how I just need to stand on my own two feet without doing damage to anyone with as little disruption as possible.
Reiterated I love her and I'm sorry that I can't right the wrongs .

I'll leave it at that .

This

I hope you get a diagnosis soon.
You have been through so much, have you had counselling to support you?

I'm actually in good mental health - work referred me for counselling and on the assessment concluded I didn't need it - I don't think it would help me much at this stage .

Mentally I'm ok - physically not so much but hopefully that might change when I get some treatment .

I'm a dreadful procrastinator (obviously!) so I'm just trying to resolve to deal with one issue at a time otherwise I get overwhelmed.

I was in a similar position as you, left husband in the marital home, but, when youngest child left for university, got the house sold and had my half. I paid all through our marriage so got what I was entitled to. I was also entitled to half of his inheritance from his parents, but didn't claim that.

He was a kind man, but he did lean on our teenage children and I think made me the bad guy, for many many years. I have called him a ruminating elephant - he forgets nothing and chews it over and over. The children both look after him though. He hasn't married again, although he has had many relationships over the past 17 years, but I think (imagine) these women get fed up of him going over and over things.

I, also, was the mum that did everything, but in the end it was 'he who shouts loudest'.

My children are in their early 30s now, and I have a better relationship with my son than my daughter. I don't have a bad one with my daughter, just strained, I never seem to say the right thing.

And now I have breast cancer, I have told my son (immediately offered to come for my surgery), but am waiting for my daughter to get back from her holiday. It will be interesting to hear her response.

Keep being a good role model to your DD - you have shown her that you can civilly leave an incompatible relationship.

Now that you can civilly move on with what is rightfully yours - not self flagellating with guilt.

That you can be self sufficient and independent.

Don’t chase her. She is more likely to come back and respect you more if you are confident.

She needs to learn boundaries - this would be a good life for her.

You have been through a lot.

Take care of yourself.