What the fuck am I going to do?

[Richandstrange]

I have posted about this before (under another name) but things feel like they're coming to a head now and I still have no idea what to do. Basically my stepdad was a creepy perv around me when I was growing up and my DM turned a blind eye and dismissed me when I tried to raise it with her. I've pushed it down inside me for years and 'tolerated' him for the sake of my relationship with DM but he recently said something to me on the phone which has brought it all back to the surface and left me unable to stand speaking to or being in the same room as him.

This is getting difficult with DM now, I haven't seen her for weeks (she lives 10 minutes drive away) and she's obviously questioning why and badgering me to get together. But they come as a package (both retired) and I genuinely don't think I can be around him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. And I can't tell her what he said because she'll minimise and defend him and I will feel even worse than I already do.

I'm not sure why I've reacted as strongly as I have, probably because what he said involved my teenage daughter, but it's like I literally can't pretend everything's ok anymore. If I'm honest part of me wants to walk away from the pair of them, I'm almost as angry with DM as I am with him for dismissing me all those years ago but we've always been close despite all that and I'm not sure I can do that to her now, she's in her 70's and not in the best of health. I also think I will be made out to be hysterical, she has very different views to me about (for example) the Me Too movement and historical SA cases in the media and I know she will think I'm making something out of nothing.

I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways. I feel so stressed about it all I'm genuinely worried about my MH and the pressure to see DM is mounting, I just feel like it's all approaching boiling point and I have no idea what to do.

Can you not see her alone, invite her to a typical girly activity? Could you get by with facetime calls? f you have to see them both, could you take someone else to act as a buffer. If the answer is no, then I'm afraid there's no way to dodge this than explain to her how you're feeling.

Have you ever responded to him? Saying something like 'that is a disgusting/inappropriate thing to say and would appreciate you treating me and my daughter with a bit more respect'
Tackle him directly and leave your mum out of it.
Do you have a partner who could occupy him while you see your mum?

The essential thing is to keep him and your DD separated. I was abused by a family member and years later he tried via my mother to get my dd to stay with them alone. Of course I didn’t allow her to go, it still makes my blood run cold to think of how they tried to do this and how I was berated for stopping it happening.
Start a monthly meet up with just your mum, coffee, lunch, shopping and keep him out of your life.

It's awful enough that he was creepy and pervy around you when you were younger - that in itself would be enough to go no contact. The fact that he's mentioned your teenage daughter is him crossing another line - you can't in good conscience have a relationship with your Mum if she never took your concerns as a teen seriously. I know you say this would destroy her, she wouldn't understand etc, but what are her actions and beliefs doing/have done to you? I'm not blaming her for the actions of an awful sounding man, but she ignored the concerns you had as a teen - why would she in any way take any concerns your child might have in the future about his behavior seriously? I know you don't want to go no contact but if you don't want your child to have a relationship with this man and want to protect her, then you need to distance yourself from your Mum and stepdad. The fact that you are still affected by the way he spoke/treated you when you were younger means it's a big deal, and you don't want your daughter feeling this way as an adult if he does the same to her.

Just tell your mother you'll see her but only without her partner. Don't explain why, don't negotiate, don't apologise. She has a choice. She can see you or not. It's up to her.

No reason they have to be joined at the hip.

It's not about you anymore, this is about your daughter. You need to stand firm and tell your mom that you will not be seeing her husband anymore and if she wishes to be part of your life you can only see her. Sorry I sound harsh but imagine anything happened to your daughter? You'd never forgive yourself.

Sadly I do think you need to pick a side... And it must be with your dd. Regardless of your dm's reaction... She is blinkered op.

Tell her why. After all she picked a side and it wasn't yours...

This 100%.
You say she’d be devastated if you went NC. Why exactly does she deserve your kindness after what she’s done? Why are her feelings more important than yours, and your daughter’s safety?
What she did was unforgivable. You owe her nothing.

Don't let your daughter anywhere near him. Then decide about yourself.

I would think of a reason to see you mum alone )m(out for coffee or at yours) and tell her that you love her & will continue to see her but only separately. She then has a choice.

If pressed, I would also tell her why.

I would tell her why and then shut down any minimising she tries to do by saying something along the lines of "It's not up for discussion, there is nothing to debate. I know what he said and I remember my childhood without needing any input from you. If you want us to have a relationship then we will only be seeing each other alone and that's the end of it".

Have you told her why you won’t see her? If she was a “sweep it under the carpet” type when you were growing up you may also find it hard to raise difficult issues like this.

You need to tell her. Pass the problem back to her. If she's devastated it's down to his behaviour not yours. Easier said than done I know but follow your gut instinct and keep yourself and your DD well away from him. Be the adult you needed when you were the child. Good luck x

That sounds good advice.

tell her seeing him make you feel sick and his recent comment bought back his behaviour during your childhood. You will not be seeing him. It’s not for debate.

Can you not ensure that it’s clear only she is welcome in your home? That sort of leaves the ball in her court then. If she doesn’t want to visit then, so be it?

He is a disgusting pervert, and it wouldn't surprise me if he has done this to other young women and girls before. I know it's hard, but if you can bear even thinking about it, then maybe this is something you need to talk through with a counsellor. There is always the police.

What people on the thread are saying is right. You have to pick a side, and that side has to be your dd and yourself. If your mum is devastated by that decision, well she only has herself to blame. She did not protect you when she should have done.

He sounds like a fucking predator. Awful.

I’d be honest with her and make her head the uncomfortable truth.

He gets nowhere near my DD, never has and never will. She's 15 and already has the measure of men like him, plus she's knows everything, we have a very open and honest relationship.

It's a weird dynamic in my family, everyone has always (barely) tolerated him for DM's sake but no one likes him and that's openly acknowledged between everyone but DM. She was monumentally shit on by my biological dad and I think we still perceive her as fragile so no one wants to upset the apple cart. So effectively we protect her feelings as much as possible and keep him at arms length and that's how it always been.

I am angry with her for turning a blind eye but it doesn't stop me loving her and I honestly don't think I can tell her. His behaviour when I was a teen was what might be described as 'borderline', so inappropriate comments about my body, lecherous staring, an occasional slap on my bum as I passed him, pulling me onto his lap as I passed, forced hugs, that kind of thing. A lot of it was in front of DM and so passed off as harmless and difficult to call out in the moment. Also difficult because he did sort of play the 'dad' role and it was/is really difficult to articulate why hugs/tickling/sitting on his lap was fine when I was a child but hugely inappropriate once I was a teenager, although now I think about it I think it made me uncomfortable even as a child.

Ugh, I'm finding all this so difficult to unpick, starting to think I might actually need some proper help tbh. Feel like I've been brushing this under the carpet for so long and now it's all spilling out and I can't control it. Who would I go to for help? GP? Can't really afford private therapy but maybe I need to find the money somehow, it's honestly scaring me how on the edge it's making me feel.

Sorry you dont have a good mum a good mum wouldnt brush sexual harrassment of her child under the carpet and let it carry on

That's incredibly difficult to come to terms with when you've always believed you did have a good mum and maybe a bit more than I can cope with right now tbh.

Can I ask how you coped with it all coming to the surface? DH is away with work and I had a difficult conversation with DM earlier today about why I haven't seen her lately and now I just feel like I'm spiralling.

There's only one side to choose here, op, and it isn't your mother's.

Your mother has blatantly chosen his side over yours, repeatedly. She chooses to believe him, not you. She cares more about his feelings than that of her own child.

You are very, very close to making the same horrible choice.

Your mother deserves to be cut out of your life. She chose this, not you. You can love someone and still need to remove them from your life.

Show your daughter what the correct choice is.

I had a very similar experience except it wasn’t a stepdad, it was my real dad. My mum also brushed things aside/defended/minimised. I didn’t really realise or acknowledge how wrong this was until I was an adult - I felt uncomfortable as a child and teenager but gaslighted myself into thinking it was just dad joking around as that was what my mum used to say. The way I dealt with it was a lot of therapy. I cut my dad off for a few years (difficult, as my parents are unfortunately still together) and told my mum why, I also told her I feel she fundamentally failed me as a parent by turning a blind eye to his behaviour. Like you it was “borderline” comments mainly and “playful” bum slapping. I felt she needed to know the seriousness of her enabling him. I still talk to her now but I’ve emotionally detached from both parents and keep them at arms length. I feel much better for it.