What the fuck am I going to do?

[Richandstrange]

I have posted about this before (under another name) but things feel like they're coming to a head now and I still have no idea what to do. Basically my stepdad was a creepy perv around me when I was growing up and my DM turned a blind eye and dismissed me when I tried to raise it with her. I've pushed it down inside me for years and 'tolerated' him for the sake of my relationship with DM but he recently said something to me on the phone which has brought it all back to the surface and left me unable to stand speaking to or being in the same room as him.

This is getting difficult with DM now, I haven't seen her for weeks (she lives 10 minutes drive away) and she's obviously questioning why and badgering me to get together. But they come as a package (both retired) and I genuinely don't think I can be around him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. And I can't tell her what he said because she'll minimise and defend him and I will feel even worse than I already do.

I'm not sure why I've reacted as strongly as I have, probably because what he said involved my teenage daughter, but it's like I literally can't pretend everything's ok anymore. If I'm honest part of me wants to walk away from the pair of them, I'm almost as angry with DM as I am with him for dismissing me all those years ago but we've always been close despite all that and I'm not sure I can do that to her now, she's in her 70's and not in the best of health. I also think I will be made out to be hysterical, she has very different views to me about (for example) the Me Too movement and historical SA cases in the media and I know she will think I'm making something out of nothing.

I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways. I feel so stressed about it all I'm genuinely worried about my MH and the pressure to see DM is mounting, I just feel like it's all approaching boiling point and I have no idea what to do.

This. Not everything in life is as modern MN would like it to be.🤷‍♀️

I think you should confront someones issues they cause as it happens and where you can. You may have to suck it up because they are a couple. I believe in chances, but its upto you. If its something consistently bad, walk away.

If you read the full thread you'll see that I did everything I could to keep her in my life, she just couldn't accept that I could no longer be around him. And I genuinely couldn't be around him, that comment about my DD unlocked a tidal wave of feelings about him and everything he said and did to me that I'd been keeping at bay for decades, being in the same room as him would be unbearable for me now. I knew my mum would never accept that and it became clear very quickly that I was 100% right about that, she chose him as I always knew she would even though I tried really hard not to make her choose at all.

I haven't jumped to NC quickly or lightly and it's her actions in the present day that drove me there, not the historic stuff. I hate that some people are so judgmental about going NC with parents, it's patronising as fuck to assume it's some MN-driven trend when in fact it's been the hardest and most over thought decision of my life.

I don't think you need to defend yourself to anyone, especially not someone who's quoting a post from 2 and a half years ago and advocating staying in contact with someone who's married to a sexual abuser who has already been a danger to both you and your teenage daughter and who seems to intend to stay married to him. Yes your mum may be a victim but given she's done nothing to protect you or your daughter and also the emotional blackmail she resorts to she's also adding to (and part of) the problem.

This @Richandstrange. this. Sending you strength x

Ohh the wheels have well and truly fallen off now, lost my lovely dog earlier this week and the grief I'm feeling for him has unlocked a flood of new grief that I no longer have a mum. I'm in pieces and have no idea how to start putting myself back together this time. Thinking of contacting talking therapies again but not sure even that is going to help, I just feel completely devastated. Don't even know why I'm posting, know there's nothing anyone can say to fix what's wrong but I've just come home to an empty house and am feeling pretty desperate tbh :(

Didn’t want to read and run, but I am so sorry for your loss of DDog

Sending a big un-MN hug 🫖 💐 and hoping someone from the Stately Homes chat will be along for some useful advice x

Oh my dear! You are not alone. But you have lost a dear companion as well as your mother. This too shall pass but it will take time.

I'm so sorry you've lost your lovely dog.

You are understandably upset because you're a decent, caring person with emotions. There is no way to avoid this sadness. It's brought up feelings about your mum which are perfectly understandable and normal under the circumstances.

Just remember that having your mum in your life wouldn't make this time any easier. She has made your life more stressful and harder than it needed to be.

You will get through this sadness and the feelings of desperation. Be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, rely on your loved ones and this will get better again.

You have no idea how much I needed to read that, I've almost text her a dozen times to tell her about the dog but you're exactly right, she wouldn't make this easier, quite the opposite. I think I've just got that weird 'want my mum' feeling that sometimes happens when were hurting, it's not actually my mum I want, it's just someone to gather me up and soothe my pain but she is definitely not that person! And I think it's really hitting home now that she was never that person, even though I used to think she was. Thank you all so much for replying, it helps to know people understand x

I can feel your pain. It comes over to us on MN so clearly. Sending you a Big MN hug. Tomorrow (whenever that is for you) will, hopefully, be a lot better and you will find a friend that can be in your life mutually caring emotionally for each other.

So proud of your continuing strength @Richandstrange , well done! So sorry about your ddog. May memories of them bring you happier feelings in time xx

I’m so sorry you lost your dog. How devastating.
I would recommend looking at EMDR if you’re still exploring therapy.

So very grateful for this thread and the kind people who pick me up when I stumble, thank you, really. Glad to report I am feeling better, still horribly sad about Ddog but that desperate feeling has faded much faster than I expected along with any desire to contact my mother! Just wanted to tell you all how much you helped, it's appreciated more than you know.

I'm sorry about your dog.

It sounds like youre doing brilliantly and fwiw, I think it does get easier over time.

I have had very minimal contact with my mum for about 3.5 years. I still get those pangs of longing, but these days I know I want a mum type person when times are hard. The sort of mum from films and adverts, who'll listen and soothe and take my side. I don't want my mum. She would make everything harder (and about her), not easier.

That's it exactly Starbells53, I don't know about you but I'm coming to the conclusion that I have to learn to be that mum type person for myself, at least I can rely on me! And I do seem to have sort of scooped myself up this time (with a bit of help from MN of course ), I'm sad and I miss my dog but I'm ok.