What the fuck am I going to do?

[Richandstrange]

I have posted about this before (under another name) but things feel like they're coming to a head now and I still have no idea what to do. Basically my stepdad was a creepy perv around me when I was growing up and my DM turned a blind eye and dismissed me when I tried to raise it with her. I've pushed it down inside me for years and 'tolerated' him for the sake of my relationship with DM but he recently said something to me on the phone which has brought it all back to the surface and left me unable to stand speaking to or being in the same room as him.

This is getting difficult with DM now, I haven't seen her for weeks (she lives 10 minutes drive away) and she's obviously questioning why and badgering me to get together. But they come as a package (both retired) and I genuinely don't think I can be around him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. And I can't tell her what he said because she'll minimise and defend him and I will feel even worse than I already do.

I'm not sure why I've reacted as strongly as I have, probably because what he said involved my teenage daughter, but it's like I literally can't pretend everything's ok anymore. If I'm honest part of me wants to walk away from the pair of them, I'm almost as angry with DM as I am with him for dismissing me all those years ago but we've always been close despite all that and I'm not sure I can do that to her now, she's in her 70's and not in the best of health. I also think I will be made out to be hysterical, she has very different views to me about (for example) the Me Too movement and historical SA cases in the media and I know she will think I'm making something out of nothing.

I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways. I feel so stressed about it all I'm genuinely worried about my MH and the pressure to see DM is mounting, I just feel like it's all approaching boiling point and I have no idea what to do.

This happened to me too OP including him Creeping into my bedroom at night and trying to touch me. I'd shrug him off and wrap the blankets round myself like a cocoon. DM would not listen to me and constantly dismissed his behaviour as a "joke" so I moved to the other side of the country and we've barely spoken for 30 years. She'd rather have her marriage to him than her daughter. She's weak and pathetic.
Her loss. I have my own life now. When my stepfather dies she'll be alone. I have no love for her.

You are victim blaming the OP any old dinosaur and such is unacceptable. Abuse is solely the responsibility of the perpetrator and yes her mother is also responsible here.

OP, you do have choices and options, you didn’t when you were a child. Your mother wasn’t a good mum and for whatever her own experiences, she should have prioritised and protected her daughter.

I agree with PP that if you want to see your mum it has to be done away from her husband. It’s non-negotiable. Counselling will help you with this but it isn’t a quick fix so you need to know what to do in the here and now.

Genuinely, it is time to pick the scab. See your mum on a one to one basis and then tell her everything. You don’t really have much of a choice unless you want to continue with this charade. Your mum is an adult and she needs to know the full situation. If she won’t see you without her husband then you might have to speak to her on the phone or write her a letter.

Whatever happens, this situation can’t remain in the status quo.

You sound like you would benefit from a course of therapy OP. Don't bother with nhs - you'll get nowhere these days unfortunately. Google "low-cost therapy" in your area and you should find something. Many practitioners offer free or low-cost therapy to a proportion of clients. You might be able to pay what you can, or a reduced rate based on your income.

You'll need a decent amount of time to yourself to go through all this with an objective trusted professional before you can work out how to proceed in the future. In the meantime I agree with the suggestion that you arrange occasional 1-1 meet ups with your DM (as far apart as you feel you can), doing coffee / shopping or something without her husband present. Make yourself suddenly very busy with work so that you are less available.

Good luck x

This sounds really hard, and I agree with pp that therapy might be a good way to unpack it.

with the way forward with your mum I think that you could start with a simple question “do you want to see her?. Have a real think about the answer to that.

I think that if the answer is no then I’d text her to ask for some space for a few months whilst you work things through in therapy.

If the answer is yes then I think that you could text her how you feel eg “Would you like to go for a walk and lunch on Saturday? Just us not stepdad.”

I'm so sorry, this must be so hard.

It's always difficult to realise your parents aren't who you thought they were or who you wanted or needed them to be.

It's a different situation but I've watched my friend slowly realise the Dad she idolised was a weak, pathetic man who didn't protect her from her alcoholic mom or abusive step mom.

It was obvious to an outside observer but so painful for her to go through. They barely speak now and she is so disappointed in him.

You are going to have to talk to your DM but I think you definitely need counselling to figure this out. You must be reevaluating your whole relationship and that's a lot to do without help.

His behaviour when I was a teen was what might be described as 'borderline', so inappropriate comments about my body, lecherous staring, an occasional slap on my bum as I passed him, pulling me onto his lap as I passed, forced hugs, that kind of thing.

Oh OP 💐 I'm so sorry.

This isn't 'borderline'. It's abusive. He removed your autonomy over your body & what you permitted. It wasn't right at any point - when you were small or older.

I can see the complicated feelings about your mum that you are grappling with. You are sensitive to her struggles & how hard her life was. You love her.

But in truth, as PPs have said, she isn't a good mother. She failed you badly.

I'm not saying you need to address this head on with her, as that may be too much now.

I'd limit your contact with her for now - brief & superficial & get some counselling to hejp you decide how to proceed.

I'm so sorry this man treated you like this.

You must be reevaluating your whole relationship and that's a lot to do without help.

I cross-posted with CornedBeef - this exactly.

I too (different circumstances) had to face up to my mum not being who I'd held her to be, and that she'd actually treated me badly (different circumstances). It's been very painful & a slow process to adjust to.

I'm so sorry. This is just awful to read.

Honestly? Imagine typing something like this, blaming the victim, and that typical 'you're making a mountain out of molehill' dismissive put-down of OP's experience.

If anything OP has minimised how I acceptable her shitty SD's behaviour was. Her mother was a disgrace, facilitating it.

It’s a hard realisation that your own mother didn’t protect you (been there, got the T-shirt). It’s even an even harder realisation when it happens to your own children.

The only way imo (and personal experience) is to cut contact. For me it was breaking that cycle and putting my children first. My mother couldn’t be who I needed her to be although that broke my heart.
I had a lot of therapy and realised that I don’t need protecting anymore but my dc do and I’m not having anyone try to hurt them with their words or actions.

What an utterly appalling thing to say. People dont feel physcially sick at the thought of hugging a parent who has treated them well.

There is clearly way more to this for the OP to have such a reaction and this is dreadful minimising of what she actualy went through. She has already described how uncomfortable she was made to feel through her teenage years due to his lecherous behaviour and you are victim blaming her. Its people like you that cause children to not speak up about sexual abuse/sexual pestering. Disgusting.

Does your DM know that you dislike SD?

I think you just need to tell her straight. ‘SD was inappropriate to me when I was a teenager in both his words & actions. I have buried my dislike of him for your sake but I won’t any longer. He has now made inappropriate comments about DD and that is the line in the sand for me. Any contact we have will be without him anywhere near. Your choice.’

This has raised complex feelings about your DM because you have unhesitatingly put your DD first, and DM didn’t do that for you. But without excusing your DM she was in a more difficult position & younger posters on here won’t realise that it was a different time - topless 16y olds in the Sun etc. Your feelings towards your DM will take time to unpick.

I'd have to hear those to know if you are also making a mountain out of those.

Would you? How bizarre and entitled. What are you ‘judge and jury’ of someone else’s lived experience?

It’s the OPs ‘privilege’ to describe her repeated historic feelings and those around the current incident.

Also ask yourself why YOU have deliberately minimised the OP experience by erasing the bum slapping and pulling her on to his lap….

I think you have to remind yourself that she had a very difficult life in a different time and the choice she has made has been to keep the peace, to be kind, to not upset the man. It's not fair but it's hardly unusual in our culture.
You don't have to cut her out and you don't have to hate her, it's actually very sad for her and you. He is the one that needs to be kept away and she has to respect that. So you can tell him that he's a creep, the line has been drawn, and you can tell her why. And that you want to see her alone. And she may protest, she may try and get you to 'be kind' as that's all she's known, but you are doing the right thing by standing up to him and his bullying/harassment and no longer letting him have any access to you.
IME hating your mum for the choices she has made in impossible circumstances will only hurt you. It's very sad and not uncommon in that generation, I find.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

I would definitely suggest counselling and also say it’s worth at least trying the NHS. I’m currently about 6 weeks in to counselling via an online platform called Ieso (real counsellor at the other end but done remotely by written communication) and have found it surprisingly good. It took about 3 weeks for it to be put in place.

I had a sort of similar situation with my elderly mum which came to a head last year. She was associating with someone who I believed was taking advantage of their position and behaving inappropriately towards her. She, however, idolised them so did not take kindly to my reporting them as a safeguarding risk.

Initially she was furious, told me she never wanted to see me again, would disinherit me etc.

The investigation did not have the outcome I’d hoped because they both lied through their teeth and I couldn’t bring myself to use the evidence I had found in a less legit way.

However, the positive outcome is that my mum is now so much more respectful of my boundaries and we have managed to rebuild our relationship pretty successfully on that basis.

Good luck however you decide to move forward.

Your DD sounds great

I have no words of wisdom but I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you. 💐

The ball is in her court.

She has a choice to make.

She can see you and your DD alone.

It doesn’t have to be histrionic - you can text her some simple words - you don’t have to discuss it any further - a simple statement - x did y to me across my childhood. He has since said z about my DD. I will not be in his company. It’s not up for discussion, we would both like to continue to see you.

No need to justify, defend or explain your decision. You TELL her once, rinse and repeat with the same text once more. Then tell her YOU have nothing further to say.

I really disagree.

At any time, children had a right to feel safe & heard, and protected. OP's mother failed her on this. Don't make this about a time period.

It is sad that OP's mother had a difficult life. But it doesn't absolve her from her role as a mother to OP.

Equally, it may well be the case that generationally, OP's mother fits a certain way of behaving. But that's still not acceptable.

OP actually needs to find her anger against her mother who is an utter disgrace in how she allowed OP to be treated. This is best done with counselling support.

I would strongly advise therapy op. It’s very different talking through these things in a safe space with a trained listener than trying to do it inside your own head.

It also helps to create a boundary where you can mentally push it away until your next therapy session rather than it consuming your thoughts. If that’s what you need.

What strikes me strongly is how your relationship to your dm is reversed - you’re protective of her, when she should be the one protecting you. Who looks out for you op?

Me too, I think the OP sounds an amazingly kind, balanced and thoughtful person who sees the whole picture, the nuances, the complexity of things and crucially, who WANTS a relationship with her mum who she loves. Would it serve her in the long term to lose that? I don't think so. This kind of black and white approach is easy to take when you're not the one in the middle of it.

I think this comment is really insightful. Don't forget that generation grew up in a culture of absolute sexism where pinching/slapping girls' bums was normalised and women had far less bodily autonomy or agency than they do now. I remember being at a family friend's 50th birthday party when I was a teenager and being leered at and the adults laughing at how many of the guests pinched my bum. It's horrible how your SD was to you and while part of the wider culture, obviously completely awful that this was in your own home.
Your aversion to him is totally understandable - as others have suggested, maybe you can say to your mum that your SD's behaviour when you were young continues to disturb you and you'd like to see your mum by herself. I totally understand you not hating her, you thinking she was mainly a good mum and you not wanting to cut her out of your life.

@anyolddinosaur
Well let's hope with those opinions you do NOT have children or are involved with the care of any living thing!

”I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways.”

Er no. She hasn’t been and isn’t a good mum whatsoever in any way shape or form. I would be protecting my kids from both of them, not just the step dad.