What the fuck am I going to do?

[Richandstrange]

I have posted about this before (under another name) but things feel like they're coming to a head now and I still have no idea what to do. Basically my stepdad was a creepy perv around me when I was growing up and my DM turned a blind eye and dismissed me when I tried to raise it with her. I've pushed it down inside me for years and 'tolerated' him for the sake of my relationship with DM but he recently said something to me on the phone which has brought it all back to the surface and left me unable to stand speaking to or being in the same room as him.

This is getting difficult with DM now, I haven't seen her for weeks (she lives 10 minutes drive away) and she's obviously questioning why and badgering me to get together. But they come as a package (both retired) and I genuinely don't think I can be around him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. And I can't tell her what he said because she'll minimise and defend him and I will feel even worse than I already do.

I'm not sure why I've reacted as strongly as I have, probably because what he said involved my teenage daughter, but it's like I literally can't pretend everything's ok anymore. If I'm honest part of me wants to walk away from the pair of them, I'm almost as angry with DM as I am with him for dismissing me all those years ago but we've always been close despite all that and I'm not sure I can do that to her now, she's in her 70's and not in the best of health. I also think I will be made out to be hysterical, she has very different views to me about (for example) the Me Too movement and historical SA cases in the media and I know she will think I'm making something out of nothing.

I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways. I feel so stressed about it all I'm genuinely worried about my MH and the pressure to see DM is mounting, I just feel like it's all approaching boiling point and I have no idea what to do.

I really empathize having experienced something with a "friend of the family" when I was peri-adolescent.

I feel pretty strongly that you should try to put yourself first even if it's small steps.

I think one of the symptoms of being a child who is even in an atmosphere of being preyed upon - is that it can strike at the heart of a person's ability to stand up for themselves.

See what you can do, even in small ways to be true to your instincts. Your mother's feelings should genuinely come second IMO.

I've spent the last couple of weeks ruminating on everything, particularly the content of the recent messages and, rightly or wrongly, decided I needed to lay it all out one (hopefully) last time, much as Catoo suggested. I've sent it to both DM and the FM so there can be no doubt in anyone's mind about what has actually happened and why, and no opportunity for DM to twist anything to her own narrative.

I've clearly stated that I want no further contact from any of them, and why and (I think!) I feel better for having done it. I'm still a bit full of adrenaline from sending it so it might all come crashing down later but right now it feels good to know that I've said my piece and laid it all out in one go so no one can be in any doubt about any of it. Might need some moral support when that wears off though, the whole thing has a habit of making me feel horribly exposed and vulnerable.

You have told the truth. You can’t control their actions. You already know from your mother that being confronted with the truth can prompt huge contortions of mind and memory so a person can protect themselves from the knowledge of what they have (or haven’t) done. So scepticism or further thrashing and twisting is possible. It would not make what you’ve said any less true.

Thank you *itsarealhumdinger, I know you're right. I've woken up today feeling sort of ..free, I think knowing it's 'properly' out there, written in a way that no one can misunderstand has actually been cathartic, it feels like some sort of closure, for me at least. I am expecting more twisting, they can go ahead but I won't be listening to any more minimising. Until/unless anyone comes to me with an unreserved 'I'm sorry, I was wrong' (and pigs might fly!) I'm done now. *

Now you've said your piece there really isn't anything else you can or should do. Sfather's behaviour (and everyone else's minimising of it) is unacceptable and indeed disgusting to you and that's your non-negotiable line in the sand. Other people can respect that and keep your respect on return - or they can choose not to, and start trying to argue you out of your boundaries, lose your respect and lose their relationships with you.

Its not nice to have a family so invested in the fiction that stepdad's and your dm's abuse of you was ok and should be brushed under the carpet. If they choose to sink beneath your notice for reasons of their own, that's their choice: you have made your position clear.

You cannot rescue them from their collective delusion. Your focus is on living well without them and their headfucks.

They have removed themselves from your life by their actions. No longer your concern.

Go forward in peace.

Good for you, OP! You have really worked the problem very thoughtfully and courageously.

I read this thread originally and re-read all your posts when it came up again. You have done everything you can to be honest snd clear with your mother and if, in the end, she prefers to live in lies there is nothing you can do to change that.

Your post is exactly what has crystallised in my mind these last few days *candycane222, I sort of feel like I've moved from understanding boundaries in theory to actually being able to put them into practice and understand/deal with other people's reactions to that, so I guess that's progress! I feel brave and strong today, am hoping that continues *

Ah cross post! That's a good update 🙂 🙂

Hello I'm new....
My partner (doesn't actually live with me) is so unhygienic. He smells musty when he's slept in his bed. Today I found skid marks on my sheet after he'd stayed over. I've pleaded with him to change his clothes/bedding and take a daily shower but he just gets very defensive and bad tempered. Not told him about the skiddies yet, not sure how to approach it with him! Advice? Thanks

@Creitty

best advice is to start your own thread. Click on the button that says START NEW THREAD

Sorry to resurrect the thread yet again but I'm feeling horrible today and feel like I need a bit of MN bolstering if anyone's still reading. Things have been quiet since my last post apart from one (exceedingly cold and formal) message from DM about some wider family news and I've been doing ok, the odd return to ruminating but for less time and with decreasing frequency as time has gone on. But it's DD's birthday soon and I knew there would be some sort of attempt at contact so my anxiety level was already starting to rise.

The message arrived last night, said she'd sent a card and that she'd got some money set aside for DD which she would send if I let her know that was what DD wanted, nothing else and no attempt to start any sort of dialogue. Which is good, right? That's what I wanted, minimal/no contact and for her not to try and push my boundaries, so why does it hurt so much that she isn't even trying?

I hate that she can still upset me this much, I suppose it just compounds the idea that I didn't matter enough for her to protect me then, and I don't matter enough for her to face up to that now. I just can't understand how she could do that to her own daughter, I could never do that to DD.

I feel utterly pathetic that it's floored me again but it has, she really doesn't give a fuck does she? The flying monkey from a while back laid it on thick that she was making herself ill over it all, grieving for me apparently but that can't be true can it when her messages to me are so cold? I just know that if I had let my daughter down this badly I would be moving heaven and earth to fix it, to make it up to her somehow so it's just showing me again how little my own mother actually cares about me. Ugh, it's pathetic and I will pull myself out of this again I'm sure but I can't seem to do it today.

I have the card arriving to look forward to now as well, DD has asked me to bin it without her seeing but I don't know whether I'll be able to resist opening it myself even though I know the contents will just hurt me more. I've sunk so low at the moment that I even feel hurt that she's still making some degree of effort with DD when she isn't bothering for me, how awful is that? Sorry, I'm pouring the lot out while I'm here, don't want to keep dumping it all on DH and I'd be ashamed to admit some of what I've said here in rl tbh so it's good to have an outlet where I can. My counsellor has been off sick since August and they can't tell me when she might be back and haven't offered an alternative as yet so there's a fair bit bottled up!

Well your DD doesn't want to see the card and has asked you to bin it, so please do exactly that.

Don't open it. Put it straight into a bin - shove it right down - or burn it outside.

Don't reply to her at all, that's what she wants of course - a "foot in the door". If she rings hang up.

How did she message you? Shut that avenue down or block.

DO NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY.

OP you a set the boundary, and as far as I can tell, she is contacting you within the lines of the boundary so that is good. Unless you wanted NC in which case block her.

It hurts because your mum never did, isn’t, and never will put you before her repulsive partner. But that ship sailed OP. Doesn’t stop you hoping that she’ll do the right thing at last though I guess. And so maybe contact will always hurt a bit for this reason. But that man will never be able to upset DD and you should take comfort that you did what your mum couldn’t do, and put DD first. Also I think, the FMs with children will be far more vigilant thanks to you - you may never know but they will.

The only thing I think is weird is that she asked if money was OK. I’ve yet to meet anyone including children who don’t like getting cold hard cash. Maybe it was her way of trying to get you to reply. Is she planning on sending the cash via bank transfer? Can’t understand why she just didn’t put it in the envelope.

You can go completely no contact any time you like. Don’t open DD’s card. If she wants to put it in the bin she can do. If she’s asked you to put it in the bin then do that.

Sorry it still hurts OP. I have a mother who minimised my father’s violence. I’m v v LC. She’ll never acknowledge or admit it and rewrites history so I stay away. I’m at peace with it but siblings struggle still. It’s ok to struggle with it OP, you’re a good person.

💐

I’d get a trusted friend to open it and bin it, just in case there’s any cash in there!

So manipulative of her! Just scrawl “return to sender on the card. And go back to no contact.

Yeah this isn't really no contact, is it? Unless you specified low contact rather than none. If the card shows up get DH/someone else to open/bin it and ignore the hook that she's dangled money on in order to try and reel you back in. I wouldn't do "return to sender" as that just opens it all up again, doesn't it.

I would also cut contact with the flying monkey - no need to necessarily say so now if it's quiet, but if they contact you again block/shut it down. Whatever achieves no contact with the least drama.

If you've been managing without the counsellor since August I'd say you're managing just fine. You don't want to be dependent on someone. Of course you will have wobbles occasionally but it sounds like you have it straight in your mind that your mother isn't to be trusted near you or your child and that she isn't going to change. She knows what she nees to do and she hasn't done it.

Blatant manipulation. Your daughter is a wise lass to see straight through it. Don't dignify it with a reaponse.

Sorry it's been a while, having a major wobble this morning despite being generally good these past few months. DD has just gone off to her first day at college and the urge to share that with my mum is so strong, it feels utterly alien for big life events to be happening and she's not part of it 😢

I was only thinking the other day that I don't really miss her day to day but it hits like a tonne of bricks at times like this that I have no one from 'my side' to share it with. I want to text her so much right now but I know I would regret it so I'm posting here instead, and having a little cry if I'm honest!

So sorry @Richandstrange . Stay strong. You’re doing the right thing.

It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling no the way you are. Now the dust has settled being NC feels very real and that’s painful. Your mum has really hurt you.
I totally understand why you went NC, but try not to let pride get in the way of reaching out. If you want to text her to tell her about DD going off to college, do it. You never know what response you may get? If she acts like a div you’ll know you’ve done the right thing x

It's understandable that you want your mam or the mam she should have been. You are grieving for her. And for me grief comes in waves.

Wishing you all the best op.

I hope you are doing OK @Richandstrange . I did not see your thread the first time but it has been mentioned today and I just read it. NC is hard, and it will hit you at points. It does not mean it is not the right decision. Sorry you are having such a hard time, and I hope you are feeling better soon

Posting as this thread has almost become a way for me to document how this situation has played out and remind myself why I am where I am. Nothing whatsoever has happened since this time last year, no contact at all until the dreaded envelope of Christmas and birthday cards arrived today. I'd only said to DH yesterday that I hoped she wouldn't send them this year (having asked her not to last year) and then they turn up today! Also enclosed was a guilt-trippy note saying that she hopes we have a happy Christmas as it's more than she will have 🙄 honestly you could practically hear my eyes roll!

It's helpful in one way I suppose as it tells me she's spent zero time self reflecting this past year and is clearly still wallowing in victim mode rather than taking any accountability, which means I can stop wondering (and maybe hoping, just a little bit) whether there's been any significant change in her attitude. I'm not going to respond, I typed an angry text when I opened the envelope but I won't send it, her note tells me I would be wasting my time. There was a tiny bit of hope remaining but I think that's gone now so I think I'm probably at the final hurdle of fully and finally accepting that our relationship is 100% over. It's been a long road and I'm sad this is where it's ended but I know I will be ok, just need to pick myself up again and carry on.

Haven't contacted my dm since 2012 op.
I had the Woe Is Me letters the first year.. The dc get cards and a small cheque on birthdays and Christmas
. Eases her guilt and I feel no shame or gratitude spending it.... Compensation in all it. For being related to her.
It is shit my dc don't have any dgps but none are better than toxic ones.
Stay strong. If she sends money spend it on food bank goods or fill your own cupboards... Feel no guilt either way imo.

Thanks for the update, op. It certainly seems she has not reflected in any real way, and at least you know that now. I’m so sorry you didn’t have the mum you deserved. 💐