What the fuck am I going to do?

[Richandstrange]

I have posted about this before (under another name) but things feel like they're coming to a head now and I still have no idea what to do. Basically my stepdad was a creepy perv around me when I was growing up and my DM turned a blind eye and dismissed me when I tried to raise it with her. I've pushed it down inside me for years and 'tolerated' him for the sake of my relationship with DM but he recently said something to me on the phone which has brought it all back to the surface and left me unable to stand speaking to or being in the same room as him.

This is getting difficult with DM now, I haven't seen her for weeks (she lives 10 minutes drive away) and she's obviously questioning why and badgering me to get together. But they come as a package (both retired) and I genuinely don't think I can be around him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. And I can't tell her what he said because she'll minimise and defend him and I will feel even worse than I already do.

I'm not sure why I've reacted as strongly as I have, probably because what he said involved my teenage daughter, but it's like I literally can't pretend everything's ok anymore. If I'm honest part of me wants to walk away from the pair of them, I'm almost as angry with DM as I am with him for dismissing me all those years ago but we've always been close despite all that and I'm not sure I can do that to her now, she's in her 70's and not in the best of health. I also think I will be made out to be hysterical, she has very different views to me about (for example) the Me Too movement and historical SA cases in the media and I know she will think I'm making something out of nothing.

I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways. I feel so stressed about it all I'm genuinely worried about my MH and the pressure to see DM is mounting, I just feel like it's all approaching boiling point and I have no idea what to do.

Haven’t read through entire thread yet I will later. Just sending solidarity in regards to the good and the bad of our mums. I have a therapy session at 2 pm today and I know I’m going to be advised it’s time to go NC. It’s been approached before but I didn’t want to. I’ve spiralled again recently so i think this is what todays session will come down to. I wish she’d just change. I find it hard having the difficult conversations with her so until I do I’ll just be constantly riddled with anxiety which then effects me as a mum of 2 db. Sorry your going through this, Sending you a hug xx and there is light out the other side.

I would like to recommend therapy. Private if it has to be. Because this is affecting you so badly it needs to be a priority. After food and rent/mortgage, but before holidays, new cars etc. This will benefit your family so it’s worth it. You are worth it.

The really unexpected benefit of therapy (mine was about my husbands behaviour) was that when she told me he was an entitled bully, I absolutely believed her. Maybe I gave her more authority than I should have, but I was in thrall to my exs mindfucking. She was like a searchlight helping me see the truth.

It meant that in spite of all the things he would say to me, her words and view of my situation helped me to withstand his disapproval. I never wavered.

It was a bit like when you see a cartoon character with a devil and angel on each shoulder saying contradictory things. My therapist was the angel on my shoulder and helped drown out the devil.

A therapist will help you say what you need to say to your mother, without suffering the guilt and shame.

Mine was a chartered clinical therapist. She not only helped me understand, but gave me the strength to stand my ground.

https://rplg.co/5a119820

The generation of the OP's mother. If she's in her 70s now, she was a young woman in the 1960s/70s. Bum pinching was rife in popular culture (eg Benny Hill, Carry On etc.). It doesn't mean it wasn't abusive or didn't have an impact, but boundaries were definitely more blurred.

Why do you think it's not important to understand cultural norms? We're all products of our time as well as individuals. It's important partly so abuses are not repeated - eg I'm in Ireland, and there used be huge deference to priests, with many families being pleased when a priest showed an interest in their children and children being scared to tell their parents when they were being abused due to the power of the Church. With abuse scandals now come to light, safeguarding measures are in place and people are far more alert to the dangers of leaving children alone with adults.

I am sorry the OP's mother didn't protect her, and has clearly buried her head in the sand. As so many posters have said, so did their parents - as mine did to a greater degree than I think/hope most parents would now.

I just want to say thanks to everyone who replied, I am reading and taking it all in, I have a lot of thinking to do. I've self referred to NHS talking therapies this morning and am researching private therapists as well. I'm a mess tbh so may not post much today.

Best of luck OP, I hope the therapy helps you find a way forward

Good luck OP, I’ve been where you are and promise there is light on your other

oops butterfingers…. Light on the other side x

Wishing you all the best OP. Therapy is immensely helpful for untangling all this confusing stuff. It takes massive courage to address it so well done, you are doing the right thing and you are protecting yourself and your daughter which is the most important thing here.

Just tell him he is a creepy perv and he will no longer be seeing you or your Dd as he is not fit to be round children and you don’t want to give someone acting as grossly as him space in your mind or life.

speak on the phone separately with your mum, explain exactly what he said, say he is now out of your life as it is not acceptable to you, there is no minimising his gross behaviour now you are an adult. You’re happy to meet outside of her home, she can come to you but going forward this man will not be part of your life

So glad you’re seeking therapy

Good luck, you've been really brave making a start on figuring this all out. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

@Richandstrange , please check out this link, which lists various sources of support. https://sexualabusesupport.campaign.gov.uk/

They are all free, as far as I’m aware. It sounds as if you need support both to process the past and to put strategies in place for the present.

Hi @Richandstrange you must be feeling so confused and lost but you’re doing the right thing by seeking NHS talking therapies help.

I’m so sorry he treated you like that when you were growing up. Whilst you still love your mum and believe she was a good mum, whilst that may be true in some ways, she didn’t protect you and take your side when she should have. Parents have to believe their children when they’re telling them about abuse and inappropriate behaviour. She didn’t do that for you and look how it’s affected you in your adult life.

Your daughter will be thankful you’re getting support now and will also appreciate you protecting her from him. It will be a tricky conversation to have with your mum but it needs to be properly discussed with her. It’s normal to still love her and want to have her in your life but it’s not good if she still won’t acknowledge what happened and what’s still happening.

I honestly don’t understand how she could stay married to a man like that, who was abusing her own child.

I hope you get some good support from the talking therapies - you sound like a lovely mum.

I also agree . Things that seem ( quite rightly ) shocking to us now were excused away when the OP s mother was young.

Also many people thought of women as two groups - respectable women ( who men treated well ) and loose women , who were fair game for any harassment by men.

If the Ops mother wasn’t seen as “ respectable” ( pregnant on her wedding day then a divorcee ) , it would have been ever harder for her to set firm boundaries . No doubt if she complained to others about her husbands behaviour, they would have told her to shut up and be grateful that she had found a decent man who would provide for her and take on another man’s child.

So no, I don’t think she’s any kind of monster. Yes she made some poor decisions and failed to protect her child in some ways. But she may have felt that keeping a roof over her children’s head and food on the table was more important. And it was easier to turn a blind eye than deal with the consequences .

Hands up every mother reading this who has never made a mistake and never made a compromise ?

This is particularly useful for adult survivors of childhood abuse of all kinds: https://napac.org.uk/

You poor soul it's vile when you are triggered and all the unease and spiralling happens. It is really destabilising isn't it. Your gut is telling you what you have to do loud and clear. None of it is easy but I think you have to put distance between you and your mum. I was sexually abused and I'm convinced my mum turned a blind eye as did my much older sister. To me it's unforgivable and I am extremely low contact with them and fo my best to preserve my mental health. Thinking of you it's a vile situation to be in xc

I would tell her why and then shut down any minimising she tries to do by saying something along the lines of "It's not up for discussion, there is nothing to debate. I know what he said and I remember my childhood without needing any input from you. If you want us to have a relationship then we will only be seeing each other alone and that's the end of it"

Also completely agree with this, especially the "not up for discussion" part as it shuts down the inevitable attempts to minimise

FWIW it's very much in line with what my own counsellor suggested, in that it gets the information and boundaries across without the neeed for further falling-out
Unless of course mum wants to make it an issue to fall out over, but that's something over which you have no control

Things that seem (quite rightly) shocking to us now were excused away when the OP s mother was young

They were indeed

Even schools, which form such a big part of a child's life and are now much better versed in supporting them, would once have gone first to the parents with such concerns - robbing the children of even this outlet for fear of what would follow

@nidgey

I don't think you're reading my posts!

While I acknowledge sexism was accepted in 60s/70s, and beyond, there's no way it was acceptable by most good parents to allow behaviour like that of OP's SD.

Her mother failed her.

Cultural norms, time periods or accepted practices are all red herrings.

She was failed by her mother by the standards of the time, as well as now.

I am of the same generation as OP, my mother was her mother's generation so I get it entirely. It is still not behaviour that would have been accepted then - noting this was unwanted physical touching by an older unrelated man of OP in her own home. Any mother worth her salt would have intervened then. It's not like this behaviour is only seen as problematic now.

Things that seem ( quite rightly ) shocking to us now were excused away when the OP s mother was young.

Once again, the behaviour OP describes was not excused generations ago. Plenty of parents would have protected their DC in such a scenario (sadly, then as now, others wouldn't have).

Hands up every mother reading this who has never made a mistake and never made a compromise ?

Your post is quite sickening.

There's making mistakes - and being complicit in abuse.

For sure, OP's mother had a difficult life. It doesn't excuse her failings towards her daughter tho.

I feel your pain, OP.
I have this in my family and it's vile.

Astonishingly I have already had a call back from NHS talking therapies and have my first telephone appointment with them tomorrow! Didn't expect it to be so quick and feel a bit panicked now for some reason, like I'm opening a can of worms I'm not sure I want to open.

A PP mentioned 'picking the scab' and that's what it feels like, I just hope what's underneath isn't worse than what I'm dealing with now. I'll be honest I'm a bit worried there's more that I've buried so deep I don't remember, I have vague memories of 'feelings' I can't pin down and something a PP said about their own experience has triggered something but I can't quite grasp the memory. This feels like a nightmare tbh and I feel like I just want to put it all back in its box and pretend it isn't happening.

I am very glad you are seeking help, @Richandstrange - you are dealing with an incredibly hard and confronting situation. I hope you can get some help soon, and that it will help you find the best way forward for you.

I know what it feels like to have your mum dismiss or turn a blind eye to something bad during your childhood - in my case it was persistent bullying at school, leading to life long depression, poor self esteem and anxiety - and while this pales into insignificance compared to your step father's behaviour, I do think it means I can understand a bit about how you felt at the time, and how you feel now.

I only once told my mum how bad things had been, due to the bullying, and to be honest, we never really discussed it further - I didn't want to press the issue, and she didn't ask anything more, once I'd told her that I'd been suicidal as a teenager due to the bullying. To be honest, I don't think she wanted to face up to the damage it had caused me.

But I have done a lot of work on myself - talking therapies, CBT, group therapy etc, and I am on antidepressants, and that has helped.

Some people will talk about forgiveness - how it would benefit you to forgive your mum - but I am not sure I agree. I think it is hard to forgive, when the other person has neither apologised or accepted any responsibility for what happened - especially when that person was an adult, who should have had your back. I think it is OK to be cross about that - I certainly was - and then you can learn to live with those feelings, and find a way forward. I think now I am disappointed at her inaction back then, and that's as close as I'm going to get to forgiveness.

In my case, I didn't see mum much - she moved to be near my sister, whom she was much closer to, and I live hundreds of miles away - and that distance helped.