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Original poster

Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

719 replies

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:45

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
FeatherFern · 04/06/2023 10:47

Leave him. Really. This won't get better

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:50

I’ve been irresponsible and now I have two children and no childcare so I won’t be able to afford my house I’ve worked so hard for on my own. I’ve trapped myself. I’m so unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:52

Yesterday he couldn’t even cope throwing away worn out shoes. He kept every pair he’s ever owned and they all falling apart.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 04/06/2023 10:52

Well, depending on how good a partner he is in other ways its not a LTB yet but you definitely cannot live together. He needs to move back to his house until he's had therapy for his hoarding. Does he accept he's a hoarder?

Motnight · 04/06/2023 10:53

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:50

I’ve been irresponsible and now I have two children and no childcare so I won’t be able to afford my house I’ve worked so hard for on my own. I’ve trapped myself. I’m so unhappy.

Sounds horrendous. But I don't understand the finance issue. Why can't you afford your house?

TwilightSkies · 04/06/2023 10:53

10000% leave him. It’s no life for you or the kids.

Do you work? Have you checked if you’d be entitled to benefits?

weirdas · 04/06/2023 10:54

Live separately and support each other

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 10:55

It's called hoarding by proxy. Thread about it here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3215446-Fecking-hoarding-by-proxy-Anyone-else-have-relatives-who-do-this

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:55

@Motnight I won’t be returning to work as there is no one to have the children and my salary is not enough on my own. I feel like an idiot. I had it all just worked out with me and my oldest daughter. Now im in the shit.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2023 10:56

You can and should get this man out of your house. He has no more status there than a lodger.

You have two children, put yourself and them first now. They also living with a hoarder is no life for them either.

CheeseTouch · 04/06/2023 10:57

That sounds so hard. Does he accept he has a problem? Would anyone you and he are close to be willing to also talk to him to help him see that this level of hoarding is not usual and that he needs therapy?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 10:57

Listen to @AttilaTheMeerkat She speaks with great wisdom.

Motnight · 04/06/2023 10:57

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:55

@Motnight I won’t be returning to work as there is no one to have the children and my salary is not enough on my own. I feel like an idiot. I had it all just worked out with me and my oldest daughter. Now im in the shit.

Well, he needs to pay towards his child at least. I would be wary about giving up work.

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:59

@Motnight where will the 6 month old go and my 7 year old daughter when I’m at work?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2023 10:59

Do not bother supporting him because he neither wants your help or support.

What does he do of a day?. He may never address his hoarding issue and hoarders need a lot of therapy, years of it. It is a recognised mental health condition which is very difficult to treat.

TheProvincialLady · 04/06/2023 10:59

Pack his stuff - all of it - and send him home with it. You can never live with him but you can still be in a relationship if you still want that.

usernother · 04/06/2023 11:00

Will you be entitled to any benefits if he's no longer living with you OP? He'll also need to give you money for your child. Don't let him back in. He has a massive problem that he's not going to do anything about.

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 11:01

@AttilaTheMeerkat he works full time. He just can’t throw anything. He still needs his thread bare towels as he won’t use any other. He starts hundreds of jobs but never finishes anything. I literally can’t understand why he wants everything and it be on show not even organised and stored

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 04/06/2023 11:03

You are in shock so take time to process what is going on.Firstly he must remove everything from your home that he owns,he will not be happy but it must happen.He needs help with the hoarding.You said his home was full of stuff so this was bound to happen wasn’t it? Does he work?Can he still look after the children when you work if not look at what you are entitled to and child support.You can make this work surely.Do you rent ? Stay strong you will manage

Motnight · 04/06/2023 11:03

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:59

@Motnight where will the 6 month old go and my 7 year old daughter when I’m at work?

You will need childcare obviously.

It is definitely worth exploring if you would be due any benefits though that would help you keep working IMO.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 04/06/2023 11:03

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:59

@Motnight where will the 6 month old go and my 7 year old daughter when I’m at work?

Well where did the 7yo go before you had the 6mo? No point getting a bit sharp with other posters to be fair, they're trying to give advice. You knew what he was like and decided to have another child before even living together.

musixa · 04/06/2023 11:04

Get him out of your house NOW. My father is a hoarder. You do not want to live with a hoarder.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/06/2023 11:05

If you've been together three years, why has he only just moved in? Was it to be on hand for the baby? Because if you love him enough to be with him and have a baby with him, he must be perfectly all right on a day to day basis, is it the hoarding that is the real issue? Because he can't just 'stop' that, it's a MH problem.

Can you not live separately again? Send him back to his house with all his stuff (where he'll probably be more comfortable anyway) and just run two houses?

SaturdayGiraffe · 04/06/2023 11:05

Hoarding is a mental health issue. If he wants to make things work with you he needs to seek therapy to tackle the underlying causes of his hoarding. It’s not a hobby or something he can just change overnight, it’s a serious condition.
Meanwhile I suggest you run separate households and ask him for financial assistance to help to keep your house.

Scalottia · 04/06/2023 11:08

Leaving is probably the best option. Not the easiest, but the best. Why on earth did you have a baby with him?