Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

OP to throw another spanner in the works. You need to be prepared to kick him out on his arse to live in his car and skip his hoard yourself, if he hoards in your house again (I can see you're going to let him stay). If he rents his house out, check the rules. There's been talk on threads here of no-fault evictions being made illegal. So giving his tenants notice to vacate because he wants to move back in to his own house may not be an option. He could be looking at having to rent somewhat himself and if you didn't already know, there's a housing crisis and finding a private rental is almost impossible. Plus he'd get evicted for hoarding. If you're not prepared to make him street-homeless, don't let him stay at yours with his property rented out, otherwise you really will feel trapped. He's literally told you he's moved in because he doesn't want to live alone. That's neediness, not love.

Under the new rules you can evict if you are going to need to move back in.

Think how that hoard is already impacting your relationship- the stress, anger, guilt and hostility it’s causing on both sides. Look at how it has already affected communication - instead of talking about his responsibility to protect your children you’re talking about shoelaces.

Just a point that I forgot to add, if you do decide to live full time with this man then be prepared for the involvement of social services. every hoarding case I have dealt with where there have been children in the house, they have been brought in. The hoarders actions have a detrimental effect on the children because they feel a massive loss of personal space and feel unable to invite friends over, have sleep overs etc. instead of their homes being their safe space it becomes somewhere they dread being in and where they feel unable to live as they would want to.

THIS

@Onetwothree45 - do not give ammunition to your abusive ex after fighting so hard to get the EOW arrangement as opposed to having to send her to him more often.

If your home is deemed unsuitable, or the environment is deemed to have a detrimental enough effect on your children, your abusive ex will be next in line to take custody of your older child.

You are shooting yourself in the foot in a major way here. Why would you sabotage the life you've created for you and your older child, in the house you fought for? Please consider finding a therapist who could talk you through self sabotage.

I agree with @mathanxiety that there could be trouble ahead as far as the children are concerned.

How are you getting on @Onetwothree45?

Hope you're ok

Nothing has really happened. I’ve hardly slept at all as the baby just will not sleep at night. I can’t think straight anymore. I’m starting to feel really down and that this will never end. She’s awake all night and screams all day. There is no more stuff in the house.

Has he hired a self store? But hoards regrow

@jannier if he does I’m tempted to move into it. I’ll get some sleep at least!

Omg - he needs help - not you ! Get out now !! He will NEVER change. You can make new life with your new baby - however hard it may be. You are a strong woman - do not let this man control your life AND your baby's life. I do know - I have WASTED 10 years trying to understand / change a hoarder. It is FUTILE !!!

Sorry haven’t read the full thread. But, in case no one else has posted this, here’s a woman whose home has been destroyed by her husband, who is also a hoarder:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5023394-husband-hoarder?reply=133612794

Don’t let this be your future, OP. (Edited for typo)

RTT. It's an old thread and the baby would now be 13 months old..

The Op either followed through based on all the advice given or didn't.

Hi guys. He did move in and he really has surprised me. If it didn’t fit in the shed he
got rid. The house was rented a while ago and nothing has been added to this house. The baby also sleeps a bit better which is nice. I think he has ADHD or something very similar and the hoarding was simply not knowing what to throw and what to keep. I throw all the rubbish now so no more hoarding and his anxiety is basically gone.

I do appreciate all of what people have said. I took a risk but so far it’s been ok.

Wonderful news, well done.

It was hard for him. He had one month before tenants moved in so made him get into gear. But it was hard for him.

I'm so surprised! He's really unusual in being able to curb his hoarding!

Well done him!

It is less usual but not quiet as unusual as you might think when given some additional storage space for what can't be let go off, understanding, and most of all something really important to look forward to in the future, that helps with detaching from the past.

Onetwothree45 I'm very glad for you all.

I don't want to put any dampeners on his success, but TBH I'd be a bit wary of deciding "the hoarding was simply not knowing what to throw and what to keep."

• It is possible, but it is more likely that he has underlying hoarding disorder and ADHD and a culmination of things has allowed him to tackle the symptoms* of it at this time. If that is the case then whats happening in his head will continue quietly buried, and the symptoms may quietly and slowly re manifest, or suddenly re-emerge at full pelt, or in a different form. Him understanding it more, and most of all keeping on top of maintaining his MH would help both to prevent that and make it more manageable if that did happen. I'm very happy to be wrong, and wish you both the very best.🙂

Good luck and things will be easier now the baby is over a year old. Do continue do be strict that if an item does not fit in the shed you throw it out and that includes any outside spare near the shed - nothing whatsoever to go there.