Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

719 replies

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:45

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Haywirecity · 04/06/2023 11:22

I thought building a massive shed and my garage would be enough but it’s not, it’s all in the house.

My gran was a hoarder, so was my mum, and now my sister and I are too. At one point my sister had a garage full, her loft, her conservatory and seven sheds in the garden. Her husband who is a minimalist neat freak almost had a nervous breakdown. But she's really got so much better. She's thrown and given away so much. It broke her heart doing it but she's stayed strong. So there is hope. But your partner does need to be able to acknowledge there's a problem and he isn't even at that stage yet.

As for the 8 bicycles. In my pantry I have 4 floor mops and 3 soft floor brushes. I only need one of each. Why can't I let the other 5 go? I honestly have no explanation.

Qantaqa · 04/06/2023 11:22

OP my dad is a hoarder and its never going to get any better. Any spare space is filled with stuff - a mixture of stuff hes going to sort (ha), stuff that has sentimental meaning (the entire contents of my nans house, and stuff hes going to repair and sell. He literally fills up one shed and then puts up another. Now luckily he mostly confines this to the outbuildings and we have plenty of land so I leave him to it as he'll never admit its a problem and upon his death I'll just chuck it all have a big bonfire but it was hell to live with when he did it in the house. He's got worse with age as well.

Do not give up work. You'll get help with childcare costs.

loislovesstewie · 04/06/2023 11:27

My late husband was a hoarder. I lived with it for over 40 years. Pleased do not allow him back into your home. I became anxious and ill because I was surrounded by stuff. All of it his, he thought that every single thing was worth something, he collected hobbies and interests and stuff to do with them.After he died I found that lots of the stuff was worth quite a bit, I sold it all and renovated the house BUT, I wish I hadn't had to live with it in the first place.
Hoarders don't change, he will continue to collect even if you become unwell. He doesn't see a mess, or rubbish, he sees a comfort blanket. It makes him feel good, or so he thinks, but you, and your children, will suffer. You won't be able to have friends in, because it's a tip, you won't be able to clean, you will spend time moving junk, you will be ill mentally. Better to stick to your guns now, let him move out and protect yourself.

Feliciacat · 04/06/2023 11:28

My partner’s Dad was a hoarder who never got better. DP’s Mum, DP’s sibling and DP all had a hellish life. His Mum didn’t even get to have a sofa to sit on because the hoard had to go there. She had a little folding chair and that was it. There was filth and mould and dust everywhere so the sons grew up with severe dust allergies which continue to this day and are debilitating.

They all grew up traumatised and didn’t have any friends outside the home. Your life will be ruined if you stay with him. I promise you. It will be ruined for you and your kids in ways you can’t even imagine. When he died, me and his kids had to clear the house. Nothing was salvageable as it was all so filthy. So he’d hoarded all that ‘just in case’ and ruined his family’s life but none of it ever ended up being used.

I cried when I saw the house at the end. With the help of a few thousand pounds for clearing it and professionally cleaning it; it was a beautiful family home. That’s what the family should have been able to experience. I know it’s a mental health disorder so it doesn’t make him intrinsically bad. The impact on you and your children will ruin your lives though. It’s very likely he will never accept help.

Leave him. You’ll get more benefits as a single person. Even if he can get better, it’ll be years. Your children’s childhoods won’t wait.

Jellycats4life · 04/06/2023 11:28

My FIL is a hoarder and my MIL has lived a miserable life in a dirty, cluttered shithole of a house. He says we can throw it all out when he dies.

Don’t subject your kids to this toxicity. It’s a terrible environment to grow up in.

Someone mentioned autism - yeah, possibly (FIL is definitely autistic) but so what? If anything it makes the problem even more entrenched.

Bentoforthehorde · 04/06/2023 11:35

I'm a hoarder, I'm trying really hard to fight it. DH also a hoarder. You can't fix this, he has to be in a place to accept he has a problem and want to work at it.
As a hoarder I 100% can tell you that having a boundary in place, a limit to what you will accept and standing firm on that, being prepared to live separately or end the relationship is very important. If you get beaten down by it and let it overwhelm you it will not be a happy life for you. The mental and physical wellbeing of you and the children must take priority and it is his place to accept help so that his disorder does not impact others.
Good luck OP xx

ChrisTrepidation · 04/06/2023 11:40

He may not be a bad person but he is in the grip of a serious mental illness that will ruin your life and your babies.

He needs to go.

MillieMollieMandy1 · 04/06/2023 11:42

He will not rent out his house because he will be unable to let go of the contents.
He is now filling your house with his stuff.
He needs to go back to his home. You then need to put all the stuff in your home for him to collect. I wouldn't throw his things away - just gather it up, in bags, for him to take away.
Live separately. Discuss how he will support his daughter. Move forward.

RandomMess · 04/06/2023 11:43

Separate ask for CMS level maintenance. Allow him to come over to care for the baby. Perhaps he can look after them at the weekends or evenings so you can have some part time work.

You can love him and be in a supportive relationship without loving together.

With UC assurance with childcare returning after maternity leave may be possible.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 04/06/2023 11:45

Do not subject your child to growing up in a house of a hoarder.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2023 11:48

His hoard will continue to be a priority over his baby. He will furthermore do to the poster’s home what he has already done to his. It’s likely also to be in not fit state to be rented out.

Op should not give up her full time job, doing so will only serve to keep her further trapped.

Delphigirl · 04/06/2023 11:49

Hoarding is one of the most entrenched mental illnesses and you have to assume it will not get better and will only get worse.
You have no future living with this man. If you want to relationship he will have to live in his own house, which will undoubtedly become unsafe (fire hazard) and probably unhygienic (no room to clean).
if you do not maintain the relationship then you will have to facilitate his contact with his child either at your house or at another place like a family member, as his place will not be safe for your child.
I am sorry but that’s the way it is. You have to be realistic.

BriarHare · 04/06/2023 11:50

Sounds like hell. Do not live with this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2023 11:52

What is your eldest child in particular seeing here?. This is harming her emotionally. Is this what you want her to remember about her childhood, you as her mother crying all the time because of this man who is hoarding his hoard on yours (and her) home?. Her home is not the sanctuary it should be.

Put yourself and your kids first now and love your own self for a change.

Readyplayerthr33 · 04/06/2023 11:53

He is a hoarder. You knew this. It doesn’t change or get better if he won’t seek treatment, and he isn’t going to. I don’t know why you thought a baby was a good idea but there you are. You have to kick him out, claim child maintenance and move forward. Do not continue a relationship with him.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/06/2023 11:54

You definitely shouldn't live with him, or let him make a rat's nest of your house. You and your baby deserve to live in a normal, healthy environment, and he will never be able to do that. Even with treatment, which most hoarders don't seek or want, the problem is lifelong.

Whether you need to end the relationship is another matter. Personally if he was wonderful in every other way, living a normal life and functioning adequately in all other ways, I might find a way to make it work with him havibg a separate house - only if I loved him obviously.

HorseyMel · 04/06/2023 11:54

On Mumsnet, we have babies with a man first and then ask ourselves whether we'd like to have him as a father and husband.

I wonder if this order of operations should be reversed? Might save a lot of grief and threads.

polkadotdalmation · 04/06/2023 11:55

He needs help with mental health issues. This isn't normal.

Itsanotherhreatday · 04/06/2023 11:56

On Mumsnet, we have babies with a man first and then ask ourselves whether we'd like to have him as a father and husband

If they were married she’d have to go through an awful lot of solicitor fees to remove him from her house. Think in this case she’s made the right decision.

DustyLee123 · 04/06/2023 11:58

I can’t feel sorry for you when you knew what he was like.

Inyournewdress · 04/06/2023 11:59

He has a serious mental disorder and he won’t be able to overcome it without intensive professional help and probably medication alongside therapy. For his own sake and for the sake of his children he should do this. He quite possibly won’t. As you now know, all the things you ‘thought’ he’d be able to do, he can’t do. It won’t just happen.

In the meantime, he cannot live with you and you must maintain completely separate households. If you don’t he will drag you and the children down with him and that won’t be any good for anyone including him, it will just load him down with more guilt.

He works full time so he can support you and his children financially and next year free nursery hours are coming in aren’t they? Will that help you to work at least part time? Or do you have any equity in the house you can release? Whatever you have to do, it’s better than living with a hoarder.

PinkyFlamingo · 04/06/2023 11:59

OP stop and listen to posters, listing stuff like 8 bicycles is pointless because he's ill. You need to see that.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 12:00

DustyLee123 · 04/06/2023 11:58

I can’t feel sorry for you when you knew what he was like.

I'm going to assume that was at least meant to be helpful.

FelisCatus0 · 04/06/2023 12:03

OP he sounds very, very unwell. Unfortunately you are now tied to him for the rest of your life through your child. He needs to seek help and be on medication.

I'm sorry but you need to ask yourself if you want to raise your child in a rubbish heap. I would end the relationship. But I think if you still want to be with him (god knows why, I can't imagine having respect for a man who lives in a f*cking shit heap and wants to raise his child in one) you would be better off living separately and co-parenting separately but I would not want him having the child stay over at his house.

ANewAdventure · 04/06/2023 12:05

The problem with dealing with a hoarder is that you have to stop thinking logically and rationally. You’re still in that stage. There is no amount of space, time or organisational method that will address this. He needs proper mental health treatment to ever get past it.

So, in the mean time, you protect yourself and your children. He goes back to his house. You put an absolute rule that he is not allowed to leave anything at your house (and remove what’s already come in). Whether or not you remain in a relationship with him is up to you, but do not live with him. It’ll be hard, but it’s the position thousands of single parents are in - you figure out the job, childcare, benefits, etc to protect them.