Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

OK, OP. Ignoring all the unhelpful comments, you need to make some decisions now. This weekend.

Sit him down and say that you cannot cope with his hoarding. That you want every single thing taken out of your house and returned to his. That you need to live apart until he gets some help and resolves his issue.

You check out what benefits are available to you.
You check the CMS web site and tell him how much he needs to contribute per month towards his child.
You agree access and whether you want to go back to together-living-apart.
You book breakfast club and afterschool club for your dd.
You find a child minder, and return to work when your maternity leave ends.

You will be fine! Don't panic, you managed to raise your DD and ensure you had a safe clean normal home. You will do it again. xx

This won’t get better.

Have you got parents who can help you financially? You need to get him out for good.

Hoarders almost always choose their stuff over relationships and family

If you have been able to afford to keep his home unused for the last 9 months, then surely you as a couple can afford to keep his home and he can live there and you can continue to live separately in your home?

You have two options:

1. You decide that you love each other enough to stay together as a couple….. but you live separately in 2 homes. He keeps ALL of his stuff at his home and visits your home to see the baby or takes them out and about. If further down the line he wants to live together in one home, the. He needs to accept he has a problem and seek therapy before moving forwards.
2. if he cannot accept the above then you would have to split up.

You absolutely cannot allow him to ruin your home and your children’s childhood.

For your children’s sake
try to find a way to end things with him
he can’t be a good dad with this deep rooted issue
if he can’t change for his own baby ,he will never change
this is your and your children’s lives now ,unless u find a way out

I feel for you, I really do and I am sure you are in turmoil having had the baby and your fears about not being able to be financially independent. Hold on to your job at all costs, do you have family nearby who can support you in anyway.
I have lived with a hoarder for over 40 years and they never change. I have coped by throwing a strop every so often and stating in no uncertain terms that I want it to go this makes for a horrible, tense atmosphere whilst he ‘deals with it’ along with much effing and jeffing and slamming doors.
It means that my home has never been how I really want it. Our spare room is a repository for a whole load of crap, that I am always told is useful or worth a lot and although some stuff has been sold for a fair amount we are talking hundreds not thousands and often don’t get sold at all as he has priced them at what they are worth to him not what someone is prepared to pay and of course then they don’t go.
Unless someone lives with it I don’t think they can fully understand the distress it causes.

That’s heartbreaking @TheCheeseTray .Are social services not involved for the 16yo? I believe hoarding often stems from unresolved bereavement and people develop dysfunctional relationships with objects, as relationships with persons are seen as dangerous. My dad hoarded, he experienced bereavement as a youth ( his beloved grandmother who raised him) , had a distant relationship with his parents and lived in about 16 different countries before the age of 20, objects were something he could hold on to. Sadly my brother is now repeating the pattern.

I hope you have managed to talk to him and he has agreed to take his stuff back to his house today.Get some boxes and start putting things in do not throw anything away,pile it up outside .Is the garage full? He will start to panic I am sure you will not be able to reason with him.He needs professional help but he will dispute it.So sorry.

This is a man who loves only himself and apparently dead matter old rubbish. It is as weird as it is.....

I think you need to be really honest with him, sadly though unless her gets professional help nothing will change regarding his hoarding (even then there isn't always a guarantee). What's clear is that the set up now isn't working, your options really seem to be:

Continue to live separately but remain in a relationship- I've known people who have been very happy doing this but it's not for everyone.

Split up- see what you're entitled to such as help with childcare costs etc and remember unless he has the baby 50/50 he will have to pay some maintenance.

Just don't stay as is as you'll be miserable and it will also affect your child.

He has serious mental problems and you are going to be dragged down with him.

Get him out of your home and start planning on what you can do.

But get him out of your home, he will destroy it and you.

Please do not get sheds/garages /storage spaces, it won't work. He will see a space and fill it quicker than you can say knife. He will then get more stuff and more storage. I need to emphasize this : it's not, repeat not, a lack of space. He could fill Buckingham Palace in next to no time. It's him, it's a disorder, it's mental health issues, it's thinking he needs stuff. Please save yourself years of anxiety. Tell him to leave!

Presumably the 7 year old will go to school? Can you use wraparound care? Breakfast and after school club would allow for an 8-4 or 8-5 working day. You’d get help with paying for childcare for the youngest if you’re on a low income. It’s hard for a few years until the youngest is in school but people do it every day.

following this, I am in a similar(bit not as extreme) position
you have my sympathy OP..I have tried to discuss it with my partner but he shuts down..old receipts on display, the works

You need to watch this doc with TV presenter Jasmine Harman and her mum. It's heartbreaking. Hoarding is a form of mental illness and it is SO difficult to get treatment for it. I fear your DP will get worse before he gets better and you need to put yourself first for you and your children's sake.

He’s not going to get better mate. Hoarding is one of those conditions that is so deep rooted, he needs to hit a wall and realise that he needs to change for there to be any improvement. That is not something that is going to happen with you staying to prop up your DP’s ability to move his hoard between two houses whilst maintaining a family unit.

You’re at a crossroads- you either pick the path where you prioritise your children and your MH and carve out a future on your own, or you let your fear of coping financially push you down a road which ends in worry over your kids physical and mental health, safety, ability to maintain friendships and ultimately risk them developing their own hoarding tendencies.

I thought this was going to be a more light hearted thread but you were serious. This doesn't sound good at all. Hopefully an ultimatum will give him the kick up the arse he needs to seek psychological help, but you might want to look into how you're going to cope without him/living separately. Right now it sounds like he's got two houses to fill up.

He is mentally ill - he doesn’t view his rubbish as the majority of people would. This is like asking a gambler why he can’t just put a £5 on the grand national and leave it at that.

You must prioritise a safe home for you and your children - not him and his illness. Get the crap out of your house. Bag it, box it and make him to take it to his house if he won’t bin it. Don’t waste time and energy trying to convince him that he doesn’t need all this stuff - he can’t accept that. To him, all this stuff brings him safety. But that does not mean (1) that he is right or (2) that you have to accept it at yours.

I think as hard as it's going to be you need to get him to leave. Your children must be your priority. What type of childhood will they have living in a house which is full of rubbish? Where will they play? Where will their toys go if he's filling up the place with broken furniture, clothes and random crap?

If he works full time can you manage childcare between you? He will need to pay for his child.

You are in shock right now and so is he probably, so I wouldn’t necessary end the relationship now, but tell him you need to live separately until he gets therapeutic help for the hoarding. Obviously in time you might decide to end it, but right the priority is to have him out of the house and to get your childcare sorted.

One thing is for sure, his grand plan to get a nice income out of renting out his house was never, ever going to happen. He needs to move back there.

My DF is a hoarder. My mum is so unhappy. They live in one room because his shit is everywhere. Don't let this man do this to your house. My dads hoarding has affected me massively and I can't stand anything lying around. I make the kids tense because I refuse mess because I won't end up like him.
I get on my own nerves.

Do you mean that he is paying the mortgage/rent/bills on your house because you have children together and don’t work?

Hubby grew up with a mild hoarder mum... never had friends around, never had anywhere for his own things (and he had almost nothing because....), felt trapped and uncomfortable in what should have felt like his home. I almost can't breathe in the house, when we visit, stuff is all over the place. It's cleanish, but actually impossible to clean because so much shit everywhere. She won't let us build her a small extension for a downstairs loo and shower (which she badly needs) because she doesn't want her stuff moved... She pretends to be "sorting stuff out" which means putting a few things in the recycling and the getting some more crap online to fill the gap. There is not a single clear surface in the house. It's exhausting and infuriating. That's just a mild case. She had a meltdown when I finally threw out the manky curtains in the bedroom where DH and I sleep, even though she had previously said I could. The curtains which she proudly told me had been there when she moved in (in 1972!!!), they had never been cleaned.
Your partner is mentally ill, or has an undiagnosed issue like autism. He hasn't thought enough of you and the baby to seek help. He will never change. And he will destroy your home life.

You can't stay with him. I'd ask him to leave and go back home. Then clear out your house. Hoarding is a psychological problem that is very hard to resolve, but he needs to do the work to do this.

You and your dc deserve better.

Claim CMS. Look at entitledto to see what benefits you can claim. Surely your 7yo is at school?