I grew up in a squalor hoard and ‘stuff’ was of far more value than I was. As others have said it’s a mental illness. The stuff is the symptom of the illness, not the illness itself, just as skin and bones is the symptom of anorexia, not the illness. Neither anorexia nor hoarding is cured by becoming a parent. It isn’t a choice.
Even when you recognize it and seek help there’s no easy answers. But as an organized clean hoarder, I can tell you hoarding doesn’t have to be dirty and chaotic. Hoarding is an excessive need to acquire/difficulty in discarding. Nowhere is there a requirement for dirt and chaos within it.
That happens because of how people with the disorder often live, but it absolutely isn’t compulsory!
It is easy for it to become chaotic; just pile stuff up, and don’t tidy it. Lack of interest, time, or health can all allow chaos to take hold.
After that dust collects. Add a little damp and the dust becomes dirt, mildew, rust etc. A water leak here, a forced pile to allow works access there, then something happens, and things get left, mold starts to grow, infestations of things like moths, turns into a food source for mice and your off. Soon they can’t get at the leak etc, water gets turned off, and downhill it all goes. This doesn’t have to happen.
A simple answer when you can’t just get rid, is keep it clean, organized, and moving. A rolling stone gathers no moss. It isn’t a cure, but it stops it becoming a horrible shameful existence.
I didn’t expect to end up a hoarder and don’t know how much is genetic, how much is learnt behavior, but even self-aware and actively fought, it’s a horrible condition and ending one’s own life can seem the only exit.
Help, real genuine help, is rare. There is a whole industry around hoarding, most of it’s just money making.
I’ve done a lot of helping other hoarders get their homes back, routines in, and helped them move forward. But that can only be achieved with a lot of work and patience, no ulterior motives, and the person with the issue, genuinely desiring change.
Making decisions about what he can keep or not, will make it worse. Knowledge, kindness and understanding, but with very clear boundaries, protects you, your children, and him.
What’s going on right now is enabling him, trying to force his symptoms only, into not existing, and bad for all of you.
Your partner is in the worst stage of the condition- blind to it, and ruled negatively by it, unable to discuss by the sounds of it, and having to act protectively over it, entrenching himself further.
There’s lots you could do to change the dynamic, but quite simply there’s no reason why he needs to live with you for the relationship to continue, if you love each other.
It is your responsibility not to allow your children to grow up ruled by their father’s mental health condition, if he can’t.