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Original poster

Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

719 replies

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:45

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
TeenDivided · 04/06/2023 12:05

Hoarding is a MH issue.
He needs therapy / help.
I would think it better if he moves back to his house while he has it.

Thesharkradar · 04/06/2023 12:07

Unhitch yourself from this man ASAP, if you don't you'll be consumed by his horde.

Readyplayerthr33 · 04/06/2023 12:08

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 12:00

I'm going to assume that was at least meant to be helpful.

Show quote history

But she did know. And she is an adult who already had a child. She knew how it worked. She made a choice.

At some point, we can’t blame men. We have to take responsibility for our own choices and decisions.

She needs to take responsibility, put her kids first and sort this out.

Nowthenhere · 04/06/2023 12:08

Do number crunching. You need ideas on what jobs you can do with a baby in tow. What about nannying? Would retraining as a childminder mean you can afford your home without him being there?
Give him 3 months to pack and leave. You need to co parent and work out where is safest for him to do this from a clutter point of view.

ColdHandsHotHead · 04/06/2023 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mumof118 · 04/06/2023 12:08

I have a relative who is a hoarder. It is an illness and nothing we have done has been able to help them. You cannot change them, reason with them and putting your foot down won’t work.
My relative lives in self inflicted poverty, filth and despite being a single person in a three bedroom house, they have no space. I worry about fires. We have reported them. 25 years on we are exhausted and only speak on special occasions. I can’t visit them, I can’t understand why they want to live like this, so not seeing them is easier.
I’m very sorry. Your partner needs professional help, but he won’t realise that.

I hope I’m wrong. Good luck.

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 04/06/2023 12:09

Have a look at the government website to see what support you’d be entitled to if you’re in your own. https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

Also, when you get to the looking at schools stage ask about breakfast and after school clubs, what time they start/finish abs how much they cost. Not all schools have them and they’re much cheaper than private childcare.

Benefits calculators

Find out what benefits you could get, how much you could get and how to claim

https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 12:10

Readyplayerthr33 · 04/06/2023 12:08

But she did know. And she is an adult who already had a child. She knew how it worked. She made a choice.

At some point, we can’t blame men. We have to take responsibility for our own choices and decisions.

She needs to take responsibility, put her kids first and sort this out.

Show quote history

OP might not realise - as a lot of people don't - that hoarding isn't just having a lot of stuff in the house, but is a MH issue when it takes over to the extent it has with her DP.

Anyway, you sound like one of those 'you made your bed so you lie in it and don't come running to me for sympathy' types. I find them obnoxious so I won't be engaging further.

TheCheeseTray · 04/06/2023 12:11

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2023 10:56

You can and should get this man out of your house. He has no more status there than a lodger.

You have two children, put yourself and them first now. They also living with a hoarder is no life for them either.

This speaks great sense. He can help pay for childcare. You can claim discount on council tax etc and you can and will survive and thrive.

1037370E · 04/06/2023 12:12

You will be entitled to benefits if you decide not to return to work immediately - use one of the benefit calculators to see how much help is available. I know it isn't ideal and it's not what you wanted but this is no life for your children - especially your daughter, whose life would have been turned upside down by this. I don't mean that harshly, but if the mess and clutter is as bad as you say and as an adult, who chose to have this man in your life, even you are struggling with it, imagine how awful it must be for her. Little things like playdates will be impossible. One of my son's friends parents were hoarders - he felt embarrassed and ashamed, and was ultimately moved into foster care, because it was a safeguarding issue. You didn't realise how bad it would be, but now you do and you owe it to your children, if not yourself, to do something.

standardduck · 04/06/2023 12:14

This won't change until he acknowledges he has a problem and seek help. In the meantime, he should move back to his house.

Not only is hoarding an issue when you have a crawling toddler, it's also a fire hazard (unfortunately speaking from experience as my DH's relative was a hoarder).

I would not move in with him until he gets help. Your kids will suffer living like this.

justasking111 · 04/06/2023 12:14

Storage units were very useful when we were between houses so rented, he can pay for those out of his income.

Azandme · 04/06/2023 12:15

DustyLee123 · 04/06/2023 11:58

I can’t feel sorry for you when you knew what he was like.

But you can keep your opinion to yourself and not kick someone when they're down...

But you chose to. Are you usually spiteful?

NoSquirrels · 04/06/2023 12:15

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:59

@Motnight where will the 6 month old go and my 7 year old daughter when I’m at work?

Get childcare. Presumably you used to have childcare for the 7 year old before maternity leave?

You’ll get benefits and childcare will be subsidised. Your situation is not (yet) unfixable.

Mirabai · 04/06/2023 12:16

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 11:01

@AttilaTheMeerkat he works full time. He just can’t throw anything. He still needs his thread bare towels as he won’t use any other. He starts hundreds of jobs but never finishes anything. I literally can’t understand why he wants everything and it be on show not even organised and stored

Because hoarding is part of mental illness, OCD

SwedishDeathClearance · 04/06/2023 12:17

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 11:13

@Zenana he is supposed to be sorting and emptying but he’s bringing ALL of it hear. He has 8 bicycles, who needs 8!

My dh probably has 6 or 7 and no hoarding
does he ride them all?

Theeora · 04/06/2023 12:17

My mum's a hoarder. Truly horrendous. I would throw the same thing in the bin over and over and over. She has got better with age and since her financial situation improved. She still spends hours and hours taking the labels off of cartons, tins and jars which she never ends up using. I just come in and bin the lot regularly.

Sorry you're going through this.

skyeisthelimit · 04/06/2023 12:17

I agree that he needs to move out because he can't bring this issue into your house. This is a mental health issue, I have seen it before. He needs to get some counselling/treatment for this so that he can look at why he can't let go of things. I know somebody that moved out of their house and rented one to live in because they just couldn't deal with it any more. Their house remains untouched over 3 years later...

For your own sanity and that of your DC, you can't live with him until he sorts this problem out. He can't rent his house out until he sorts that out, so you will have a house full of crap and no extra money coming in.

He needs to accept that people don't keep shoes that are falling apart, or have 8 bicycles etc. If he can't accept that he has a problem then nothing is ever going to change.

EggInANest · 04/06/2023 12:19

OP, this sounds dreadful for you.

And as you say, it will not be safe for the baby.

As a serious deeply rooted MH condition you cannot solve it by asking or demanding that he change. He will need to recognise that he has a problem and choose to seek therapy.

Honestly I would stop trying to live with him, send him back to his house, involve him in childcare at your house, but live financially as if you were a single parent. Tough though that will be,, though if he doesn't hold down work, I'm not sure what you would lose.

Mirabai · 04/06/2023 12:19

standardduck · 04/06/2023 12:14

This won't change until he acknowledges he has a problem and seek help. In the meantime, he should move back to his house.

Not only is hoarding an issue when you have a crawling toddler, it's also a fire hazard (unfortunately speaking from experience as my DH's relative was a hoarder).

I would not move in with him until he gets help. Your kids will suffer living like this.

Even if he does acknowledge he has a problem it still may not change.

Hoarding is a feature of various mental illnesses, most often OCD. But it’s hard to treat and many people prefer to to live with their behaviours and their hoard than change it.

SpareHeirOverThere · 04/06/2023 12:21

He needs to move out. Hopefully he will seek help for his MH problem. But that's out of your control.

You can sort wrap-around care for your child who is at school, in combination with holiday clubs.

You and dp need to sort out childcare for the baby. It's not your responsibility alone. Explore all possibilities that keep you in work.

He will need to pay child maintenance.

Hopefully he will want to be a parent to your baby, regardless of where you both live. Be aware that his home is unlikely to be a suitable place for visits and overnights.

TheCheeseTray · 04/06/2023 12:22

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/06/2023 12:10

OP might not realise - as a lot of people don't - that hoarding isn't just having a lot of stuff in the house, but is a MH issue when it takes over to the extent it has with her DP.

Anyway, you sound like one of those 'you made your bed so you lie in it and don't come running to me for sympathy' types. I find them obnoxious so I won't be engaging further.

Show quote history

This is true but if the person can’t or won’t seek help it affects everyone and everything. A former close friend lost me and many others over this. She has a huge expensive house in Surrey - 4 bedrooms, 2 daughters with only one at home (16) and a huge garage and summer house. She is nearly 60. Divorced for many years. The house is full and I mean full to the rafters. You can’t get in the front door and that was the last time I visited 6 years ago- when the 18 year old had a breakdown moved to uni and never went back. The magazine are piled up in the front hallway from 1970 and you can’t get in- you have to go round the back and through the passageway full at the side of the house. She invited me to stay 6 years ago and we literally couldn’t move. The dynamic is that she visits people like me to stay and holiday bringing me stuff like jumpers I don’t need from car boots etc.

the 16 hasn’t left the house since July 2021 and is a school refuser she has begged her mum to declutter, mum cries and says she can’t. Ss can’t do much - it’s not ‘dirty’ as it toilets and kitchen and child’s room are ok. Mum is a deputy head in a large school and a trained counsellor. She can’t and don’t accept or get help. She sucks people dry and my only way is to be very LC - maybe one or two messages a year.
her parents divorced when she was a baby and although she got on well with both and seemed a happy and well adjusted when I met her at 30 (I was 20) the hoarding has intensified over the years - yes it might be mental health or other but it doesn’t mean they have to live with others and not seek treatment. She has numerous marriages and relationships breakdown as they can’t handle it.

His refusal to do this (seek help) - will make you and your children ill. he has a choice to get help and counselling.

you owe him nothing

Shhhquirrel · 04/06/2023 12:22

FeatherFern · 04/06/2023 10:47

Leave him. Really. This won't get better

This

kingtamponthefurred · 04/06/2023 12:23

If having a child did not change your partner or motivate him to deal with his habit, it is unlikely that anything will. An addiction to 'stuff' is no less pernicious than an addiction to alcohol or cocaine. You don't have to give up on the relationship if you don't want to, but please don't try to live with a hoarder and don't make your children live with one.

SpareHeirOverThere · 04/06/2023 12:24

justasking111 · 04/06/2023 12:14

Storage units were very useful when we were between houses so rented, he can pay for those out of his income.

A hoarder will fill up any space available, then keep filling. A storage space for his hoard will just be more space to create more hoard.

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