Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

Get him to move out. Take all his stuff. Give him a deadline and throw it out if he doesn’t take it.
you will be able to claim benefits if you are single, living alone. You will also get help with childcare costs. You will also get child maintenance from him if he works full time.
you’ll be ok. I’ve done it. It’s hard but it’s possible and you (and the children!) will be so much happier. You can do this.

He has a significant mental health issue and needs to go to therapy.

Why can't he stay in his own place, seek help if he can be persuaded to do so and still be part of your family? Then you could have a tidy safe place where he could visit to look after the baby (and be with you if you still want that) or he could take the baby out.

I thought he just didn’t have the time to sort his house because of working. I never realised it was such a deep rooted issue. I thought it would be easy to skip out of date food and packages. But he has a use for absolutely everything. I thought he could box and store his hoodies from when he was 17. But he can’t. He moved in because we were going to be a family and rent his house for an income. I thought building a massive shed and my garage would be enough but it’s not, it’s all in the house. I thought he could take his house and box like for like but he bringing all the stuff randomly with all the empty packages, envelopes, broken stuff. He is now busy painting a door instead of getting some shelves up in the shed and working through his stuff.

How is he renting out his own house if it's full of rubbish?

Hoarding is an illness and it can be cured. But he has to recognise it's an illness and want to be cured. It doesn't have to take years, though.
Did he ever clear his house ready for rental or is that something he didnt get round to?

I was married to a nasty hoarder. One of the best things ever was the high from the clear out after. Honestly get rid of him.

@Zenana he is supposed to be sorting and emptying but he’s bringing ALL of it hear. He has 8 bicycles, who needs 8!

I thought building a massive shed and my garage would be enough but it’s not

Oh God, don't do that. They'll just fill up and then you'll need MORE space.

Oh god. You can’t do this.

Please get him out NOW.

It will not get better. It really won’t. You could build him a line of sheds to the moon and every storage container that’s ever been made. You and your kids will still live in squalor. You will lose your mind trying to be rational with a MH disorder that isn’t rational and hate him. If you don’t already.

Get him out and then figure out the other aspects of life. You will be able to do this far better with a clear head . Even if it means you have to sell and put 6 months rent down or something. A house really isn't worth a nervous breakdown and this guy has huge issues

The baby was a bit of a surprise. He really isn’t a bad person and has many good questions I’m just drowning in the stuff. It’s been 9 months his house has been left empty and it’s still full. I don’t think he has any intention of sorting it. He goes in the bin after me and fishes it all out, it’s so frustrating. I’m sure he finds this hard!

Ok, it’s vital that you understand your options here, then you can decide what to do. PLEASE don’t give up your job. I’m not an HR expert but please take some annual leave or parental leave to get this sorted asap if you need to.

Assuming you’re in the UK, first have a look at Entitled to which will give you some idea of what benefits you could claim living as a lone parent.

This calculator will give you an idea of the amount of maintenance. More information here

Finally, I’d recommend you contact your local Citizens Advice - ask them for a benefits check on the assumption that you would live separately. If the advisor is a good one, they should be able to give you an overall picture of what you’d have to live on as a working single parent. Or if you weren’t.

Hoarding as a previous poster says, is a mental health condition and is challenging to treat. Impossible if the hoarder does not acknowledge their difficulties or is not willing to go through treatment. More information here. If he accepts he has a problem, the first course of action is for him to contact his GP.

this guy has huge issues

Which he's now involving OP in by tranferring his hoard to her house.

But does he accept he’s a hoarder with a massive problem? Have you used that word too him and asked him to get help.

Stop listing all the stuff, it's irrelevant.

You need to tell him to leave. Not necessarily cut the relationship but he needs to seek help for his hoarding.

You out your 7yr old to school and in holidays use summer camps, child minders, family etc

Your little one will have to go to nursery or a childminder. You get child benefit and your partner will have to contribute financially to your baby.

Sign up to the government gateway and if your nursery is signed up you get 20% off your nursery bill that the government pays. (Tax free childcare)

Your own home will be filled with his hoard given time, in fact that process has already started. Rooms in your home will become unusable because of the hoard. It will go everywhere in your home.

It is a serious mental health issue and he is neither ready for clearing nor therapy. He is showing you no indications of wanting either. His primary relationship is with his hoard, not you and it’s never been with you.

So financially he’s pissed 9 months lost rent up the wall too due to his hoarding. Christ OP. End it.

You never should have moved an angry, tantrumming boyfriend in to your kids home. Date him if you feel the need, but remove him from your property.

Surely losing your family is a kick to seek therapy? He has a real recognised problem.. If he agreed to seek outside help could you hang fire dumping him?

You could ask him to move back to his place but still stay in a relationship with him.

If you are not living together and he is not contributing financially to your home then you may be able to claim universal credit, depending on your current income. You can still be in a relationship with him but live seperately, with him paying some form of child maintenance but not paying the bills for your house. That way you can claim Uc and they will help with up to 85% of your childcare costs when you are working.

I am in the process of divorce and don't earn enough on my own to pay the bills but with my part time wages, child maintenance, universal credit (including help towards childcare) I can manage for the next few years until my wages increase.

Asd?

Don't panic yet regarding finances. When the shock has worn off start to research costs for childcare and what financial help you will be entitled to. Prior to having the baby you will have had childcare for the oldest.

Maybe you could continue your relationship but live separately. If he is a decent man he will contribute above CMS.

You and the children will be happier if he lives apart so in the long run its the best solution.

You are trying to rationalise what is a mental illness in which his actions aren’t coming from the same rational framework you have.

You won’t just persuade him out of his behaviour or think he will respond to reasonable suggestions. He is ill

However that doesn’t make it your issue to either solve or put up with and you need to protect yourself and your children.

Your older DD won’t be able to have friends over as the house won’t be safe and/or she will be ashamed of it.

You won’t be able to invite other mums over for coffee or house playdates

Your baby won’t be safe crawling or walking- so many hazards in a hoarding house.

I appreciate you are emotionally invested but you have to think beyond that and make some hard choices.

Firstly he needs to move out. Accept that sharing a home with him won’t work.

If you want to continue the relationship then he can come and visit.

You will get more benefits living as a single person. He will still be expected to contribute financially to childcare etc whether you are a couple living apart or separate so you can hopefully stay at work but I would suggest talking to citizens advice.

If he wants contact with his child he may need to agree it isn’t at his own house and you may need court intervention if you feel his place isn’t safe for his child.

I assume your older daughter wouldn’t need contact with him once he is off the scene or out the house which I suspect is in her favour.

Get advice and support OP but do not do nothing as this isn’t going to solve itself with inaction. Your own mental health and that of your children will suffer.

He has to pay for your baby together!

How do you know he was at all planning to rent out his home?. I would think it’s still full of hoarded items.

He needs to be dumped today. I am sure he is a nice person and all that but his hoard takes precedence over and in his life. for your children they growing up in a hoarders home amount to they having a miserable childhood. You have a choice re this man, they do not.