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Original poster

This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

315 replies

DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:19

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

OP posts:
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6
Hobbitlover · 29/05/2023 19:22

Personally, you are wayyyyyyy over thinking this.

GoalShooter · 29/05/2023 19:22

Oh OP. I feel sad that this pretty normal request from your boyfriend has had such a negative effect on your relationship. Honestly, unless he's awful in other ways you haven't mentioned, you need to try and get past this.

Thehonestybox · 29/05/2023 19:26

This is genuinely such a huge overreaction, you must have some unresolved trauma and I know that sentence is bandied about a lot, but it's so true, maybe try a couple of private counsellor sessions to chat about it.

Sexy underwear is a normal suggestion, and I would've thought the opposite to you - "he's staying with me, he's making suggestions on trying different things in bed...this can only mean he definitely finds me appealing" is how I would take that

NCMum79 · 29/05/2023 19:26

I'd say 80% of the men i've been with have a little thing for a stocking or a pair of high heels or similar. If you don't want to wear them, that's fine - he was fine with that I assume? He's with you, he says he loves you, unless as an OP said - he has some other problematic behaviour or is pushy about it - I don't understand how you've leapt from 'I'd love to see you in that' to 'I wish you were someone else'

Farmageddon · 29/05/2023 19:27

I'm sorry but you are being pretty harsh, he was only asking you to wear sexy underwear - not some weird fetish costume or a mask of someone else.

He probably does love your body, but sometimes it's nice to see someone you love dressed in something racy. It doesn't mean you want them to be different. And he didn't pressure you into it, and respected you when you said you weren't comfortable.

I don't understand what he has done that's so horrible. You are projecting a lot of stuff onto him.

If you want to keep doing this, you may well push him away. Maybe that's what you want i don't know, but honestly I don't believe he did anything mean or hurtful, to warrant this reaction.

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:27

No, he's pretty much bloody perfect. For me anyway.

I can see by his actions that he loves me but it's just destroyed how I feel about myself.

OP posts:
GladysHeeler · 29/05/2023 19:28

You have completely run away with this. If you think he's been outrageous by asking this or sexist or perverted - then that's one thing. Don't be with him.

But to think that he must not find you attractive because of it is one hell of a leap.

Azandme · 29/05/2023 19:29

It's definitely you.

I fancy the pants off my OH all the time, but there are certain things he wears that phew 😍😍😍.

That in no way changes the fact that he's also hot (to me) in his Oodie.

Is there anything your OH wears that really makes him phwoar to you? Does that mean you don't fancy him at any other time? I bet the answers are yes - and no.

Your OH didn't ask anything out of the ordinary - you need to focus on why you reacted so strongly.

UCknowitall · 29/05/2023 19:29

No !! He fancies you !! If he didn't then he wouldn't have asked you !!

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:30

Sexy underwear is a normal suggestion, and I would've thought the opposite to you - "he's staying with me, he's making suggestions on trying different things in bed...this can only mean he definitely finds me appealing" is how I would take that

All I can see is that he doesn't find me attractive and needs me to do this so that I am. Or at least am more so.

He's never mentioned it again.

OP posts:
oranges29 · 29/05/2023 19:30

I relate to you a lot. It's likely he's unintentionally triggered a feeling that already existed in you. Do you often feel like you're not enough?

Missingmyusername · 29/05/2023 19:30

He’s made a suggestion, possibly something he’s read to spice up your love life? I think you’ve really internalised this and taken it to mean he doesn’t find you attractive.

He asked, you said no, you’re still having sex, he tells you he loves you.

perfectcolourfound · 29/05/2023 19:30

You've made a huge leap from 'will you wear sexy clothes in bed' to 'you aren't fanciable or attractive'. If your bf didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't be with you. It's as simple as that. He wasn't trying to change you. He was suggesting something that's a fairly common sexual 'play' thing for many couples.

It's OK if you aren't in to it. You said you aren't in to it, and he's respected that (ie not asked again). So all good. The residual impact of this is something you're doing to yourself, and is putting your relationship at risk as you've completely withdrawn from him.

Yesterday my DH told me he thinks green really suits me, and out shopping he suggested a green top that he thought would look great on me. Using your logic, my DH doesn't fancy me, he fances green and I could be anyone.

I'm sorry it's affected you so badly, but your bf suggestion was a very common one, and does not mean he doesn't fancy you.

Would some therapy help you unpick why this has become so big in your head?

Nofixedabodewell · 29/05/2023 19:30

Massive over reaction. You have some serious self esteem issues that need to be addressed. It’s a fairly harmless request which isn’t unusual. It’s no reflection on you or your attractiveness.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/05/2023 19:31

Have you explained, in detail, the feelings it triggered in you? If he’s a lovely guy, then he deserves honesty. Then you can both try to rebuild/heal.

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:33

GladysHeeler · 29/05/2023 19:28

You have completely run away with this. If you think he's been outrageous by asking this or sexist or perverted - then that's one thing. Don't be with him.

But to think that he must not find you attractive because of it is one hell of a leap.

I don't think it's wrong or outrageous. I said I know it's pretty standard. I just wasn't expecting to feel like this.

The worst and most ridiculous part is that I had been looking online for that sort of thing myself the week before because I've never done it and thought it might be fun. Because I fancied him, loved him and trusted him (not that I don't now, just that was my reasoning at the time).

But as soon as he mentioned it, it made me feel like this.

OP posts:
HawdMeBack · 29/05/2023 19:33

Thehonestybox · 29/05/2023 19:26

This is genuinely such a huge overreaction, you must have some unresolved trauma and I know that sentence is bandied about a lot, but it's so true, maybe try a couple of private counsellor sessions to chat about it.

Sexy underwear is a normal suggestion, and I would've thought the opposite to you - "he's staying with me, he's making suggestions on trying different things in bed...this can only mean he definitely finds me appealing" is how I would take that

I agree. I'm not one to claim posters must have issues but on this occasion I think there must be something going on as your reaction is hugely disproportionate. I'm not knocking you, you feel how you feel but you know it's not 'normal'. Counselling to explore your thoughts/feeling and where they come from may be helpful.

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:33

oranges29 · 29/05/2023 19:30

I relate to you a lot. It's likely he's unintentionally triggered a feeling that already existed in you. Do you often feel like you're not enough?

All the time.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 29/05/2023 19:34

Therapy. Just you, so you can talk it through. You don't need to be fixed but for your own peace of mind you need to understand how your feel about yourself.

BriarHare · 29/05/2023 19:34

Massive overreaction OP, and you’re reading something into it that’s not there.

If he didn’t find you attractive, he wouldn’t want to see you in sexy underwear.

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:35

Missingmyusername · 29/05/2023 19:30

He’s made a suggestion, possibly something he’s read to spice up your love life? I think you’ve really internalised this and taken it to mean he doesn’t find you attractive.

He asked, you said no, you’re still having sex, he tells you he loves you.

I have.

And that in his previous relationships it just happened without them needing to be asked.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 29/05/2023 19:35

So he likes sexy lingerie and you are jealous in a way that your body isn’t enough?

give the guy a break and you know what

HE LIKES WOMEN TO WEAR SEXY LINGERIE

It is his preference and he is allowed to request it

However the way you have reacted is ott. I’m surprised he hasn’t dumped you I’m afraid to say.

No sex and wearing leggings and t shirt to bed means this relationship is dead.

itsabigtree · 29/05/2023 19:38

People are hardly going to want to see someone they don't find attractive in, sexy lingerie are they??!

No. He finds you sexy. He wanted to see you in sexy underwear because you're sexy to him. The week before, you wanted to do that anyway. You say he is perfect for you. You are pushing him away.

You need to work through this, with yourself and a therapist if possible. Because it won't just be this issue that knocks your self esteem. Self esteem is the single most important thing we have, and is the only way to be happy. You deserve to work on yours!

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:38

perfectcolourfound · 29/05/2023 19:30

You've made a huge leap from 'will you wear sexy clothes in bed' to 'you aren't fanciable or attractive'. If your bf didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't be with you. It's as simple as that. He wasn't trying to change you. He was suggesting something that's a fairly common sexual 'play' thing for many couples.

It's OK if you aren't in to it. You said you aren't in to it, and he's respected that (ie not asked again). So all good. The residual impact of this is something you're doing to yourself, and is putting your relationship at risk as you've completely withdrawn from him.

Yesterday my DH told me he thinks green really suits me, and out shopping he suggested a green top that he thought would look great on me. Using your logic, my DH doesn't fancy me, he fances green and I could be anyone.

I'm sorry it's affected you so badly, but your bf suggestion was a very common one, and does not mean he doesn't fancy you.

Would some therapy help you unpick why this has become so big in your head?

I don't know if therapy would help.

I've heard it as "you need to do this in order to be sexually attractive to me."

On a head level, I know what you're saying is right but the emotions it's thrown up are huge and I can't talk them down. Believe me, I've tried. Even starting this thread has given me a bit of a fight, flight or freeze response. My heart is pounding, I'm tense and feel an overwhelming sense of disgust.

OP posts:
existingusername · 29/05/2023 19:39

I actually feel sorry for him. He asked one thing which is a pretty standard request. you have spiralled into you're not good enough for him and are now going to bed fully clothed. I'm not surprised he's not mentioned it again. I doubt he will ever voice his sexual fantasies to you again which I actually think is quite unfair.

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