This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

[DownAtMySpotInTheGarden]

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

Time to address the elephant in the bedroom op - seek counselling and talk to your partner about why this simple sexy little request has triggered such a huge reaction in you

You sound lovely and he does sound like he's very tolerant and loves you

Oh we've been together for 17 months. We were friends for 4 years through a shared interest before we got together.

But what if I did that and he just looked at me and thought "oh"?

And then had to pretend he liked it?

Which is how it makes feel when I think about it. Because, believe me, I have considered doing that!

Hmm.... if he wanted to go on holiday, would you assume he hates your home? If he wanted to have dinner in a restaurant with you, would you assume he hates your cooking?
This is the same sort of thing, he wants to try something "special" for an evening but he wants to do it with you and that isn't a rejection of normal life, just a novelty add-on to it for a change/new experience.

My own insecurity has come back to bite me is the arse many a time. I think it’s because of a deeper issue that needs work on. I mean this in the nicest way but that’s not a normal reaction, definitely think about psychological help so you don’t lose anything you will regret. It would be such a shame, I know the feeling exactly.

I think some of these responses here so far are a bit harsh.

I'm a therapist (though not a sex or relationship therapist), OP, and I would have some similar feelings to yours in the circumstances.

Firstly, I'm a feminist and to me a man asking a woman to wear "sexy" underwear without offering to wear any himself has to be seen in the context of a society where women are objectified and where we tend to internalise this objectification.

Secondly, it sounds as if your boyfriend asked you respectfully and is caring, respects your decision and shows he loves you. All great signs that you have a good thing going there and might be able to communicate a little about how you're feeling to him.

I agree with other posters that your boyfriend asking you to wear something sexy suggests he fancies you lots: no one wants to see someone they don't find sexy wearing sexy underwear!

It does sound as if you have feelings of not being "good enough" and such feelings can grab onto a hook to hang on, in this case your feeling you don't look good enough. A therapist could help you pinpoint where those feelings arose and perhaps introduce self-compassion techniques to help you through moments where the feelings reemerge.

You say it's your first relationship; it sounds like you made huge strides in confidence and felt able to feel comfortable naked, even beginning to look at sexy underwear yourself. (I wonder, how were you feeling when you looked at underwear for yourself? Did you feel you didn't look good enough as you were, or were you focused on fun and celebration? I imagine the latter and I imagine your boyfriend was also asking in that spirit...and how wonderful that you were both thinking of it around the same time!)

I experienced something similar in my own relationship. I was brought up a feminist, make up, dresses, definitely heels, all seem sexist to me unless men wear them too. I started wearing make up in my 40s!

When my new partner said he liked stockings etc. I felt put out, insecure, internalised feeling an object and worried about living up to fake standards of female looks in the media. It took me some courage to ask my partner his views on women and sexy underwear etc.; once he told me he agrees equality would mean men wear it too, I felt relieved. It took some time getting closer and feeling comfortable walking around naked - and his telling me how much he prefers naked to stockings anyway! - before I felt confident in both him and myself enough to suggest we play with dressing up. It's still not my thing, but I feel relaxed enough to play and experiment now.

I hope some of this helps. It really does mean your boyfriend fancies you, if he wants to play with dressing up, kink, underwear, whatever. You'd made huge strides in confidence already and this threw you back, but you can regain your confidence with self-compassion. Try talking to your boyfriend, gently, if you can, as he's probably worrying about the change that's come over you.

HRTFT but agree this a massive over reaction and if it's made you feel so bad you need to speak to someone about why.

You have said this has changed the way you behave around him, so there is every chance he now feels like rubbish and that you don't fancy him - basically you both feel bad.

His request is completely normal or else Ann Summers wouldn't be a thing. You would like to think that you could speak to the person you love about something and what he's had in return is you completely withdrawing despite him accepting your answer.

And for what it's worth, one of my best friends is a model (so, as you can guess she is absolutely stunning with a fantastic body) and she dresses up in lingerie or even cos play outfits with her husband because it's fun and adds a bit of 'spice'. It's not needed but as I say, sometimes it's fun and I have numerous sets (albeit barely used because not much privacy in the house!).

If you don't want to then obviously don't, but it's completely unfair to withdraw intimacy without getting to the bottom of why you feel this way because it is not down to him.

Sorry to be blunt, but this is a you problem and unless you're willing to deal with your issues then things won't get any better.

You can't help how you feel but you need to take responsibility for your emotions rather then blaming him for standard /normal request.
You being harsh is unfair and honestly this behaviour will ruin all your relationships. You need to go to therapy and work on your self worth and also learn to be vulnerable and communicate openly and kindly about your feelings. Being hostile and not able to deal with your emotions will bring nothing good to any relationship.

YABU

It is completely normal for a man who is attracted to you to ask you to wear sexy underwear. I honestly think it's a common and healthy fetish. I was terrible for that until dp, without asking, gift me a pajamas that were quite comfortable and my style, but at the same time very sexy. So I had him day and night chasing me more than usual 😂

If you read my posts, I've been quite clear that I don't 'blame' him. In fact I haven't even suggested that he has done anything wrong.

Everything I have said is about my feelings in response to it and not the initial request beyond explaining how this situation arose.

If you put effort in, he will not look elsehwere, so if you work on the relationship

I'm not prepared to do a 'pick me dance' battling it out with every single other woman on the planet.

And that's what some of these comments are suggesting.

Is it normal, though? What is the equivalent expectation that we impose on men? Is it that we just accept that this is normal? For me, great sex is when a man sees me naked and desires me exactly as I am, exploring each others erogenous zones in a loving way. I get what OP is saying and would not be able to perform that idea of "sexiness" either.

Which is why counselling would be a very good idea

And what sexy underwear does he wear that has you chasing him?

I hope you can get past this OP because you and your DP seem like nice people. I think it is a healthy response to your internal strife, to ask fof advice on MN. I wish you all the best, and hope you find some helpful advive above.

Firstly, I'm a feminist and to me a man asking a woman to wear "sexy" underwear without offering to wear any himself has to be seen in the context of a society where women are objectified and where we tend to internalise this objectification.

I would feel uncomfortable with this request and the above explains why.

Can't be as bad as when I surprised my boyfriend with it and he laughed

Would you have the same reaction if you put on makeup and a dress and he said 'wow you look great tonight'? Doesn't mean he doesn't fancy the dressed down version.

Tbh, my reaction isn't dissimilar since he made the request. I used to believe him if he said I looked nice or beautiful or whatever. Now it feels like a lie and everytime he pays me an appearance based compliment, I'm reminded of this and think - you don't mean it because I won't wear the things you need me to in order to find me attractive.

OP this voice in your head telling you all these negative things about yourself is your Mothers. The bitch is still living in your head.

When you had therapy before did you tell the therapist about your awful Mum? Have you told your BF about how horrible your Mum was to you?

Yes he knows. And he says all the right things. It came up yesterday briefly and he just said she was wrong. That I'm beautiful, womanly, funny, intelligent and accomplished.

No, it will happen because of your attitude, and you will get to reassure yourself that you were right all along. A self fulfilling prophecy.

I wonder why you got in a relationship at all if you aren't willing to be a bit vulnerable, and are determined to imagine the worst in his motivations.

Are you happy being like this? You must realise you are the only one who can change it, if you want to.

This is very sad. Strong feelings of disgust are very bad for a marriage. You need to get some help if you want to save it.

People saying your reaction isn't normal, when more of us should be asking why we have to wear these ridiculous outfits in order to be desired. Your boyfriend sounds nice too, actually. I love what you're saying, OP. It touches something in me that deep down I feel too. I have dressed up for boyfriends, but really found it so uncomfortable

Wouldn't you like it if he wore a nice something?
Wouldn't it make you feel special if he did that for you? It wouldn't mean you like him less, just that he loves you and feel so comfortable with you that he is willing to try some of your kinks.
Surely sometimes you fantasize about stuff and you might want to act on them?
It is a shame that you do not see that he loves your curves so much, he wants to highlight them.
But if you are uncomfortable and it makes you unhappy you should (if not must!)talk to him, intimacy is important and should not make you feel low.
You are beautiful, he sees it, YOU don't see it.

Your toxic mother has caused you an awful lot of emotional harm and you live with that to this very day. She gave you ill fitting clothes, it was all deliberate on her part to put you as her daughter, down. She saw you as competition for men’s affections.u