This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

[DownAtMySpotInTheGarden]

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

Did your mother in particular criticise your body or general appearance most days?

@DownAtMySpotInTheGarden - can I ask two questions... how long have you been together? And how old are both of you?

Yes, it is relevant as in ltr some times need to be shaken up a bit. It doesn't on the surface seem to be an unreasonable request that he's made. But, of course if its made you feel the way it has. It's unreasonable to you and nothing we advise or say will change your mind. You seem closed to any suggestions that have been made to you. And, that is also perfectly acceptable.

It seems to me not only has his request shaken you up or trigger a deeper response in you, but you are now actively punishing him for asking. It's one thing to do things to protect your self esteem ie. Covering up it up but it does feel like you are going out of your way to make a point. And, you won't even talk to him about the issue at hand. It's unfair on him.

If you feel this strongly, you're probably best off doing him a favour and ending the relationship. Before, you damage his self esteem. You've been very blasé about saying he can leave you if he doesn't like it. But, he's hanging on? Why? Because, clearly he loves and fancies you.

Either take the plunge and broach the subject or do the right thing amd leave him. He deserves to be happy and have an active, fun and exciting sex life with a willing participant.

OP, I would absolutely hate being asked to "dress up" too and it would make me feel quite objectified so I do get where you're coming from.

The encouraging thing is that he has immediately dropped the subject and not been pushy.

Also, it sounds as though your issue is with "not feeling attractive enough" rather than it just being yuck- and it doesn't sound like he's actually said/thought this

It does sound like there's hope with communication - but do you want to?

I had a similar but less extreme gut reaction to the same request.
I have poor body image but am happy to be naked with someone who loves me because they love me. I am overweight and have the body of a 40+ year old who eats too much and has had babies, and doesn't do any exercise!
However, having chosen some lingerie myself I can honestly say it has done wonders for my sexual confidence. TMI maybe, but by giving my boobs a bit of support and draping chiffon across my mum tum, I am happy to have sex in positions that work for me rather than hide me, and my DH is enjoying the benefits of me not feeling self conscious and being more participative. The underwear makes me feel sexy and makes me truly believe I am sexy.
Maybe choose something for you. Try it on alone. See how it makes you feel.
Maybe surprise him one night. Go to bed "early" and change, so you're ready and waiting. Maybe send a cleavage photo on whatsapp. It feels ridiculously contrived and it is a bit tbh. But it'll reassure him you love him and want to please him, and sends a message to you both that you're a sexy, desirable woman.
Your partner is not saying he doesn't fancy you. He fancies you. He fancies you so much he can't imagine how much more he will fancy you dressed up knowing you're doing that for him. It's all very positive. Honestly, my DH enjoys the lingerie so much I get far more attention and time where he enjoys me, rather than than the more perfunctory lovemaking when we just go to bed and happen to have sex iykwim.

This is precisely why people have suggested therapy. You need to understand why you’ve taken this perfectly normal request in this way, and why you’ve had such a massive emotional reaction to it. It’s really not a usual or healthy reaction and it’s going to sabotage your relationship unless you can get a handle on it.

It was non existent.

I was never enough. Always mocked.

We've just been away at a festival for a few days. He has photos of his kids, mine, the bands. But none of me.

Well, he did sneak one and put it as the lock screen on his phone. And showed me when he'd done it. It was just a head and shoulders shot outside in a field. I glanced at it quickly and looked away. I couldn't even tell you what my facial expression was.

You seem quite defeatist about it and I'm wondering if it could be that you are subconsciously pushing him and the relationship away deliberately? Is there any chance that's what's happening?

Possibly.

I can't see how it will last and I'm expecting it to end. Perhaps I just don't want to have anything to feel shame about when it does 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's up to you if you think this relationship is worth fighting for, or do you want him to click with someone who is more responsive and opened and leave you for that person, which will only increase the sense of insecurity.

If that's going to happen, It'll happen regardless of what I wear or don't wear.

And if the relationship is dependent on that, I will have been right in feeling the way I do.

Oh dear

You're pushing the guy away over and over and when he leaves you'll say

'See.... I told you I wasn't enough'

You ARE enough for him, for anyone

But you are absolutely DETERMINED to prove that you're not enough

Please stop doing this and thinking this way

Especially if you have children, because you are modelling this behaviour to them

Thought so and that is why I asked. Toxic stuff from childhood sticks. Your parents installed these buttons and past therapy has not managed to remove these.

I would urge you to read Will I ever be good enough by Karol McBride as well as seeking out of BACP registered therapist you can work with.

Yes. I was told I wasn't attractive enough to he loved and that I didn't have any of the personal qualities required to make up for that.

My mum brought me up to believe the jest I could hope for was that someone who had exhausted all other possibilities might settle for me.

It's why I spend so casual about him ending it.

I'm not afraid of being dumped or single. I'm afraid of being settled for and of having someome look at me and wish I were more.

It's not about what you do or don't wear. It's about the fact that according to your original post...you're turning away from him completely and thinking he doesn't want to be with you? You can't just cordon a feeling like that off from the relationship as a whole i'm afraid

Why do t you choose something you like , try it on , take a photo or two , try and enjoy how you look in it and see if it makes any difference?

For context op I was in a sexless relationship for 27 years and felt shit abkut myself and my body image

I bought some really nice flattering sexy underwear, and when I left I wore it , rolled around in a bed and took selfies and I realised I looked amazing in it ! My legs were slim and toned , the stocckings and hold ups enhanced that , the stuff I chose was lovely , enhanced my figure , made my boobs look amazing, and I revelled in it - a bit like a boudoir photography session but I took my own pics .

I'm sure he didn't ask because he does t find you attractive, he asked because it's sexy and he's find you attractive in some nice lingerie as well as without -

Being attractive isnt just how you look - it's how you feel too . I'm a big bigger now with a mum Tum and Healy issues but with the right underwear on I still feel good about myself - I don't have a long term partner now either - but I still hit the dress up box ! I've got a casual fwb and I know I'm not young and fit anymore so the first time I slept with him I wore what made me feel sexy and confident - it's great you feel ok in the skin you're in but something has triggered a reaction and maybe it would help not brush it under the carpet but to work out why this feels like a sleight instead of an enhancement? X

RE bringing it up with him - 'I have something I want to talk to you about, it's very personal, and it's not aimed at you, you've done nothing wrong, but I would really like some help and support to get through this kind of thinking....'? Something like that?

I'm scared of him saying something that would make it worse and that I could never come back from.

Not maliciously, I know ued never do that. But I'm scared of how I might feel in response to anything he said.

Wanting to see you in sexy underwear does not mean he finds you unattractive without it!

The opposite if anything. He loves your body and wants to see it dressed up!

Would you have the same reaction if you put on makeup and a dress and he said 'wow you look great tonight'? Doesn't mean he doesn't fancy the dressed down version.

You are projecting your own negative body image onto him. Try to stop it! Hard I know but it's not fair on either of you.

Poor bastard.

Why even bother posting dick head ?

Lucky you why if you've never had a negative thought in your pathetic little head about how you look .

OP you can only go forwards with the relationship if you’re brave and take the risk of being open and authentic with him.

He is not responsible for how you feel about yourself. Nor is he responsible for the shit your undermining parents put you through. But he could help you heal yourself if you take the chance and talk to him.

Yes he could fuck up. Say something clumsy. But you can’t stay in this angry/hurt stasis - neither of you deserves that.

I think this is where you are very wrong. Because being in a couple means you do things to each other. For example, my partner asked me if I can buy something for him while shopping. Should I have to turn around and say "Im no slave, if this is what relationships are about, get out!". You could literally apply it everywhere.

If you put effort in, he will not look elsehwere, so if you work on the relationship and will stop pushing him away and if you give yourself a chance too, he will not look elsewhere. Again, his request was not outrageous, your reaction is just not normal and I think deep inside you know it.

Maybe you are one of the people who are happier on their own for whatever reason, nothing wrong with that either. But if you are not, then you need to ask yoursel how to stop making yourself so unhappy.

@DownAtMySpotInTheGarden Right, but....Your feelings are already doing a number on you right? You're already at the point of 'no coming back from them' from what I can tell. So...make or break? It's either that or counselling or ending it. Or letting him end it. I can't really see another option?

OP I'm sorry I'm a klutz with technology and don't know how to do links on the phone. But please Google body dysmorphia, aka body dysmorphic disorder.

Read up on its causes (including trauma), its symptoms and its effect on a person's everyday life. Your reaction is extreme and I suggest that therapy with a specialist therapist could help you, if you can first recognise what's happening.

This .
Exactly this . Do t throw something good away over something that's not his issue op - work on the issue you have and talk to him !

Yes. All the time.

I didn't wear make up until I was in my 20s because I didn't think I was pretty enough. I rarely wore dresses and lived in leggings and t shirts. Mum bought my bras. I was the same size has her and that's what she bought me. I looked awful in them. I assumed it was because my boobs were wrong but it was just that I was a different size to her. I didn't realise that until I was in late 30s. I used to squeeze myself into bras that were too small and wait for them to stretch until they 'fitted'. It was just that I had bigger boobs than her. She told I was fat so I didn't believe that I was the size measurements suggested. So I wore clothes that were too big and looked awful - hung badly and mishapen. Again, I assumed that was because body was wrong for clothes. So I just gave up trying and accepted what she was saying.

We read The Rainbow in A Level English and there was a line - you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

That line has stuck with me.

I haven't spoken to mum since late 30s when I started wearing bras that fit and clothes the right size.

But I suppose it's a bit like when someone has lost a lot of weight and can't see themselves how they truly look now. Even when I 'know' I look nice, I think I'm mistaken and just can't see the truth.

He loves you for you. He wants to try something fun with you. It's not just anyone in that sexy underwear: it's you, all of you, and it sounds like he's mad about you.

I'm 48 and he is 10 years older.

I agree with your last paragraph. But he just says he loves me and wants to be with me when I have tried to talk to him.