This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

[DownAtMySpotInTheGarden]

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

It's really sad that it's made you feel like this.
Just so you know, Love Honey have some amazing underwear sets. If you were to wear something as per his request I bet he'd be so chuffed and make you feel so amazing that you'd lose all feeling of self-doubt!
Have some time to think about it - the first time I did for my partner I felt like a new woman with a new power that just a pair of pants and a bra could have such an effect on a man!

OP, Your boyfriends request was normal and he has acceped your refusal respectfully. For your own sake please seek therapy to examine your feelings of not being good enough. You say on a head level you know it's a massive over reaction but you can't accept this as your emotional response is so powerful. There will be a reason and you need help to heal the source of your feelings of disgust and fear.

@MsRosley
No I'm more than happy to put something nice on that my partner likes
It's a 2 way thing so no I'm not excempt

You say you're not worried about him leaving, but then why are you posting about this? I think that's some sort of defensive thing, to pretend it doesn't matter anyway. If your reaction to this means the end of the relationship I think it will hurt you more than you will admit.

In saying that I don't think you should wear this stuff if you don't want, but punishing him for even asking is a problem.

Thank you for the well intentioned amd considered posts. They are really helpful. I'm still reading. I'm in the middle of a few things at the moment so can't take the time to respond to everyone I want to - especially those who have obviously taken some time to respond. Thank you so much and I have read them all.

As for those commenting on him leaving me, I would obviously rather it didn't end but I'm not posting thinking I'm scared he's going to leave - how can I make him stay? If that was what I thought, I'd end it myself. I don't want someone to stay with me for the wrong reasons. If he doesn't want to he with me, he is free to leave at any time.

I'm not punishing him. I'm trying to manage my own feelings on the matter partly so that I don't end the relationship, partly so that it is better for him, partly so that it is better for me and also because I just don't want to feel like this. If ending the relationship and walking away is the only way I can deal with my feelings, then I'll do it. But that's not what I want and it's not what he wants.

Someone asked earlier if I love him. Of course I do. It's the longest romantic/sexual relationship I've ever had. I wouldn't be in it or here trying to deal with this if I didn't.

OP, I'm sorry, I didn't understand just how you felt
I think people are concerned because we don't want you to miss out on a part of your sexuality that could possibly be very pleasurable for you.

I've spent a fair bit of this afternoon looking at lingerie sets online. I'm sick of the sight of them now if I'm honest. I've seen so many!

Unfortunately, I'm not stupid and I know what I look like. I have a good idea of what would suit me - or at least look best on me and I couldn't find anything at all.

I started off thinking that maybe you're all right and it might be fun. Perhaps I should just take a look... but I've come away from it feeling even worse about myself.

It’s not cutting criticism but fact. You may not be worried but your behaviour will become tiresome and he will leave.

Can I ask OP, do you ever look at other men and find them attractive? Even men on tv or guys you walk by on the street? Surely you see some hunk walking around and vaguely think 'he looks nice'...
But that doesn't mean you don't love your partner, nor does it mean you're not attracted to him as a person and his physical body.

Would it help if you put it into that context - that we all find other people attractive at times, but what you have with a partner is special and lovely, and when he is with you, he is thinking of you. In a similar way, if he asked you to wear a specific thing to enhance the shape or contour of your body, it doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you without it. You can of course say no to wearing it, but the mere fact of him asking isn't necessarily a criticism of your body.

If you asked him to wear a shirt that you liked or thought looked good on him (maybe the colour suited him or something), it doesn't mean you don't love him without it - it's just a nice thing to complement the things you already like about him.

I'm not sure if that helps, but please don't force yourself to buy lingerie if you don't want it, you may feel even worse wearing it - like you are giving in.

But talk to him about it, instead of pushing him away.

I know what you mean about losing your nerve OP. Not sure what country you're in, but I found some nice stuff here

https://www.intimissimi.com/uk/women/lingerie/slips_babydolls/

@DownAtMySpotInTheGarden

Definitely don't do it if you don't want to!

Just try to believe it was a well-intentioned suggestion.

Tbh, I don't! He will sometimes comment on a man on TV and say he's really handsome but I won't even have noticed. We drove past a trio of men the other day and he commented on one of them. I hadn't even noticed them until he pointed them out because I was admiring the convertible in front of us.

I'm reluctant to bring it up with him because he hasn't mentioned it again. It would seem odd now I think.

There are a couple of lace baby dolls on there that I like!

But my thought processes when I see them are...

He hasn't asked me to wear a baby doll.
I would feel like I was trying to be/look sexy rather than actually being/looking sexy.
That wouldn't make me feel sexy and would actually have the opposite effect.
If he reacted 'positively' I would feel that he was humouring me.
I'd feel I was 'trying too hard' and missing the mark anyway.

The thing that makes me really sad about it is that I do look at myself and think I look ok on occasion. I only own lacy bras and matching knickers but he's never expressed any interest in those. Or an interest in me wearing them. So I really do only wear them for my own benefit after years of ill fitting bras and cotton knickers!

It really is only the one request.

You know, I'm actually going to try this! I've never used chatgpt so don't really know anything about it.

I think part of the problem is that I only received negativity growing up. My mum played a very perfunctory parenting role - there was no emotional warmth or esperance whatsoever. Every vulnerability expressed was seized upon. I was mocked, ridiculed and derided constantly for who I was and what I looked like. It's only been in the last 10 years I've had any sense of who I am as a person, what I look like etc.

It helps to post on here and I do read and take in every reply. But none of you know me or can see me. I just don't have any genuinely positive comments to fill the void.

Does this behaviour hurt his feelings? You’ve talked about not caring if he leaves you, but you haven’t described him in a way that sounds like you have a strong sense of his inner world.

I have no idea. He hasn't said. He's very tolerant and understanding and doesn't want to put pressure on me or make it about him. So I don't know. But that does are it difficult to talk about it because he wouldn't initiate a conversation.

He knows when it's bad because he asks me if I'm OK. He says sometimes that he knows I'm not.

I suppose I would find it easier if he asked me what was wrong. But it seems petty to quibble over the exact wording he uses.

But the closed question shuts me down and, when I'm feeling like that, I don't have the capacity to override it.

He sounds like a really really smashing person OP, I wish so much that you could evict your mother from your head.

Well chatGPT gave me the same responses as most people here 🤣

That's actually quite funny. Me, I wouldn't bother with the underwear right now, I'd work on your self-esteem and use that Grandmother voice whenever you can to counter the negative. I love the idea, I might use it myself!

You're right. I am angry at all those things. I'm also angry at myself for not being 'enough' as I am. Still not enough. Never enough.

He loves me and I'm still not enough. He says I am. I asked him at the time why he'd said it and he panicked (I suppose) and said it was a joke.

Everything was OK in that I felt at ease with myself and with him. I don't have much experience sexually. I was starting to really relax with him. I felt safe and secure and then this request put me right back at square one and I can't move on from it. Every negative and unkind thing that has ever been said to me about not being enough came flooding back. Or the emotional memory of it at least.

I used to feel safe with him watching films or going out. But now it feels like he's comparing me to every other woman and I'm not good enough. I feel like he's looking at every vaguely attractive/sexy woman and wish he were with someone like that instead. Or that I were more like that. He says not and seems bewildered by it but I don't feel its genuine. That's how it's made me feel.

I don't think it even occurred to him that I might react like this.

I like the idea of the grandmother voice but I've tried similar before and I couldn't think of anything kind to say back to myself. And, when I did, I didn't believe it because it was me saying it 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, I think if the sex had been really great, you would have overlooked his insensitive comment. My guess is that despite all his lovely qualities as a person, it was just okay sex and now you're turned off. It happens

I think he just jumped the gun a bit and it's set me back.

I was feeling more confident and more at ease and more comfortable than I ever have before but I think he interpreted it as I did feel those things. I don't think he realised how fragile I was.

When I think back to some of the things we did this time last year, it feels like a life time ago and a different person and I can't imagine ever feeling that free or safe again.

It's obviously based on himliking t he images he's seen BEFORE of other women

This is very much a big part of it.

I know his ex wife and his other long term significant ex. Obviously age and time changes everyone but his wife was so pretty when she was younger and had an amazing figure - slim and big boobs. His other significant ex was also slim with big boobs.

I'm a different shape to both of them (who were very similar physically). I'm a size 12 and curvy - boobs, waist and a bum. But I'm also short and I'm also about 10lbs bigger than I'd like to be. But my boobs aren't great anymore and even if I lost the 10lbs, I wouldn't look good. I know because there was a time when I was 10lb lighter! So losing weight isn't really the answer either.

He's never criticised my body directly. When he has commented, he tells me he loves my shape. But when he touches me now it almost stings and I'm acutely aware of every part of me. Every flaw. Every imperfection. The effort it takes to block out the negative thoughts in my head when he touches me are exhausting.

What I must have heard is that he likes sexy women in sexy underwear. Which automatically ruled me out, because in my head I am not a sexy woman. I know he loves me with all his heart and thinks I’m the most amazing woman in the world, but in my head I’m this old fat fuck who does not belong in sexy underwear as I don’t qualify for it

Yes, that's what I heard to.

And that's exactly how it made me feel.

I'd love to know how you get on!!

This is what I chose and have hidden in the cupboard
https://www.intimissimi.com/uk/product/pretty_flowers_babydoll-LBD1294.html?dwvar_LBD1294__color__214J_Z_COL_INTD=019

Apparently as long as it's black and sheer, it's going to be jackpot time. Even with me in it!!!

I'm still terrified!
but excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but terrified!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
etc

Gosh. What a detailed and thoughtful post! Thank you so much!!

Yes, I recognise a lot of our situation in yours. And a lot of your partner in myself.

I do try and I've some of the strategies you describe. I also try telling myself tat those other women aren't me and he loves me for who I am but the the little voice says "yes that's all well and good but he'd prefer you to look more like them. He's fancy you more and find you more desirable. He wouldn't be looking at the and wishing you looked more like that".

I feel I spent life being compared to other girls and other women by my mum. And I was never good enough. She is very focused on appearances and what women should be like. It didn't matter than some of the girls she compared me to weren't doing as well at school as me, lied and snuck out and went to the park drinking or taking drugs or whatever. They were pretty and slim and that's all that counted. The other stuff didn't alter because they weren't trying to compensate for anything.

That's lovely! I'm sure you'll look amazing in it too!

I'm excited for you! 😁