This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

[DownAtMySpotInTheGarden]

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

I must admit, honestly, it does look nicer than I expected.

Because DH has assured me that he is "a simple man" and this is definitely going to work (he has no idea what I've got hidden away), it feels a bit empowering actually - like having a magic cape!!!!!!!!! with magical properties!!!!!!

I think it will also be nice to be a bit covered up! What with that and the stay-ups and long gloves (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), there won't be a lot of flesh left on display. I rather like that.

Of course, part of me is convinced that the experiment is doomed to failure and I will be the only woman in the world who can wear the magic clothing and look and behave like such a chump that no one in their right mind could possibly keep a straight face. But there's nothing wrong with having a laugh, so it's a risk I'm prepared to take...

...soon (i think!!!!!!!!)

Dear OP
you have shared so much very openly on here and I hope you are feeling okay.
From all you have written this goes far beyond the stockings thing (I find suspenders ugly, and a request like this would get a “fuck no” from me, but this is hardly the point.)
But I don’t know if you are closer to thinking about what you do want for you?
It’s not just that visual turn ons don’t work for you, you hate the idea. Can you share that with your partner?
If you want to pursue a physical relationship, could it be something like the intimacy of complete darkness you would like? That is a very personal question and I am obviously not looking for an answer! Just wondering if there is a way for you to express maybe what you want, right now, which is not focussed on the past … sorry rambling … it just seems that you want to regain a sense of physical freedom, can you think if there is anything that you would want to get there?

Haha! I love the magical cape element!

Something you said has made me think.

Oh bloody hell, the rest of the post disappeared!

Basically, I think it would have been different if I'd done it off my own back (as I was already planning to) but, as soon as he mentioned it, it felt heavy with expectation.

If I'd done it, it wouldn't have mattered if it had ended up being funny rather than sexy but him asking came with expectation and the potential for disappointment. Which wouldn't have been there if I'd just happened to he wearing it one day.

I want to feel that I'm enough on my own.

I want to feel that anything I do is on my terms and not because someone else has asked me to.

I want to feel that I'm attractive or sexy for wanting to do it rather than feeling like I have to meet an expectation based upon his experience.

I want to feel about myself like I did this time last year 😕

That's what I mean about it having destroyed how I feel about myself. I want him to fancy me and desire me. I want to surprise him. I want to have a good sex life! God knows I've gone long enough without that!

"I want to feel that I'm enough on my own."

I remember similar back in the day. Women arguing why should they wear makeup, wash their hair, wear deodorant, shave their armpits, legs, wear nice clothes. They should be good enough without trying. It got a bit tiresome, never mind whiffy .

I just want to focus in on the therapy, all the insight and self awareness you have, the understanding of all the reasons, the stories, the memories that have led you to this point. I imagine you have told these stories about your childhood and teenhood and all the (frankly vile and abusive) things your mother did to scar you mentally and emotionally.

Can I put it to you that acknowledging, discussing and understanding all of that trauma, is not enough. Telling and retelling the anecdotes. You have done exactly what I have done - analysed and intellectualised your trauma. You know why you are like you are. You know it’s not ideal.

You won’t be able to move on until you actually PROCESS that rage. FEEL that red hot bitter anger and RELEASE IT. How DARE she smash your self esteem. HOW FUCKING DARE SHE. You’ve earnt the right to absolutely fucking RAGE at all of it, that you have held inside you too ashamed to let out.

I am at that point myself and haven’t worked out how to do the actual feeling, processing, 40 year’s worth of snot face crying that I’ve got locked up in me so I can’t actually tell you how (sorry!). But I do know it’s going to be the only way. Mine will have to be in a safe space with my therapist (if my loved ones heard what I’ve kept in over the last 4 decades I’d break all of their hearts in one way or another).

Perhaps you could do the same?

Or book a few sessions in a Rage Room 😉

Best of luck, and solidarity x

I want to feel that anything I do is on my terms and not because someone else has asked me to.
Be careful with this one, OP! There you are, prancing together towards the ice cream van, full of the joys of spring, when he says he'd like a 99 cone and suddenly you go right off the idea of ever wanting an ice cream. Not only that, but you punish him for ever with gruel. 🤣

You might have picked up more toxic mindfucks from your mum than the self-doubt you clearly identify...

I want to feel that I'm enough on my own.
I think that dread/resentment of comparison with other, sexier, women, is something I had to get to grips with years ago with DH because I'm so much older than him. If you sat me next to any one of his previous long-term partners and asked which of us was more attractive, anyone in their right mind would think I was a joke.

Well, he doesn't. If a beautiful young woman tried to seduce him when I wasn't around, I absolutely know he wouldn't bother. (I know that because it happened quite early on in our relationship, before we were even serious about each other, when it wouldn't particularly have mattered if he shot first and asked questions later; and he just wasn't interested.) The "content" of a woman matters to him more than anything. Sex is just a bit of fun, not the irresistible magnet that holds us together/could draw him away.

But as women, our whole sense of worth is so wrapped up in this garbage, it's very hard to let go of.

What I'm trying to say is that the comparisons are in OUR heads, not his.

I have my secret "magic cape" outfit all stashed away in the wardrobe and was absolutely beside myself with excitement about testing it out at the weekend. Then on Friday he asked if I'd mind him bringing someone home with him to stay a couple of nights.

My immediate thought was that he was doing this to avoid seeing his fucking joke of a wife all dolled up like a monster. Well, I can't even put into words the self-loathing I felt. The mental image of myself "looking sexy" is below.

Actually, this visitor was suffering acute grief and unbearable loss and had nowhere else to go. We supported him all weekend and have been pretty shattered ever since. We've made a friend for life. It was extraordinary. Now we need some recovery time. And then...

I'm still a bit anxious that it could all go horribly wrong, but DH says, "Imagine, we've been so happy for 10 years, and now we're just about to add that spark... we're the luckiest people in the world."

I sometimes think life is like the binary code in computer programming - everything is a choice of 0 or 1, and that branch determines a whole cascade of unimagined complexity. I try to choose the "1" ❤️

Sorry for the essay but it's bizarre how you and I are in exactly the same boat at the moment!

I read one of your previous posts about how he doesn't react with your normal nice lacy panties etc... and seems to want the sexier outfits.

It's normal To not react to everyday clothes. TMI but I only wear black underwear, and partner will not react whatsoever. But when I got the same underwear in red... a reaction. It's just the difference and the unexpectedness.

Would he still want me in the black? Yes. But is he as vocal about it? In all honesty no- but very vocal about his appreciation of the red. It doesn't mean he finds me less or more attractive in one thing or another. It's just the wrapping paper is different.

I do hope you feel better and realise you aren't awful and you're enough for him- he chose you! Everyone has flaws but people love you for you.

What stands out to me here is this isn’t about lingerie. But more importantly it’s not about him either, you answer dutifully on him but for you, it’s all about you and it feels you don’t actually care enough to even pretend with him from your op.

To be gentle but blunt, it’s very selfish. The turning away etc, it’s deliberate. You could stop yourself doing that. You don’t. You chose not to. He’s not commenting on the new lingerie because you’ve made ir very clear it needs to be about you.

you also seem to wish to accept “this is who you are” and continue to be angry about it, continue to blame your mother. Like you don’t wish to break out of this behaviour.

However you are an adult now.

I come from a very abusive background and I firmly believe as adults we have a personal responsibility on our own behaviour. There comes a time we stop blaming our parents, and start to move forward.

I wonder if this is a position you’re entrenched and comfortable in. To behave differently maybe means in your head forgiveness or forgetting. When it means no such thing. It means solely as adults we take personal responsibility of our own behaviour.

you know full well his request was not about you being good enough, but you still choose to behave to him as you are. And it is a choice. Stop indulging this in yourself. It does not do you any favours to stay in a never ending pattern of this behaviour

You know full well his request was not about you being good enough, but you still choose to behave to him as you are. And it is a choice. Stop indulging this in yourself. It does not do you any favours to stay in a never ending pattern of this behaviour

Exactly: 0 or 1 👍

I agree with the above post about making choices as an adult. Trauma is REALLY hard to get over because the feelings are raw and overwhelming. Sometimes it is better, or more productive to work from the outside in. Not solving the underlying feelings by logically understanding, or retelling the story, but by acting in the outside world. There's a concept in DBT called Opposite action. It feels counterintuitive and enormously problematic for many of us who work on instinct. It goes like this, if you know you are in a safe environment, with a safe person - which he seems to be. When you have this feeling related to trauma (Usually it's a disproportionate or inappropriate feeling to the situation infront of us), whatever your response - let's say you feel shame or disgust and feel like turning away or recoiling, you recognise that feeling and you do the opposite. So, you move toward, you generate closeness. While the voice screams at you, you keep moving closer.

There are other 'skills' that DBT teaches like Distress Tolerance which help with the intensity of the feelings. DBT is used with people with MH problems as aggressive as personality disorders, when CBT and the likes don't work, so it's enormously helpful. if you can't find a therapist or can't afford one which uses DBT then there are a ton of really good podcasts, videos, worksheets online. They are all practical skills that you practice in your life, so none of it is talk therapy.

The link below describes opposite action.

https://suffolkdbtjl.com/opposite-action/

And this is a really great podcast for DBT, each episode deals with a different 'skill'

https://open.spotify.com/show/0CYO75hjiJIBstRpvWZKCa

OP on a practical level, you can still take the lead / control back on this! IF you decide, and of course only IF you want at some point you could get whatever ‘magic cape’ (fabulous phrase PP) lingerie you like and surprise him.

Please know I’m not disregarding the trauma and other complexities you have articulated - I’m just not as adept as other posters with what to say on that, so am only offering a thought on the logistics!