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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

315 replies

DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:19

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

OP posts:
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Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:41

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/05/2023 19:31

Have you explained, in detail, the feelings it triggered in you? If he’s a lovely guy, then he deserves honesty. Then you can both try to rebuild/heal.

No. I've been thinking about bringing it up more often recently. But I think he'd be surprised and probably confused if I did now. As far as he is concerned, it was something he asked for, something I said no to and hasn't been mentioned since.

I wouldn't even know how to bring it up.

OP posts:
IForgotOurSong · 29/05/2023 19:42

I get where you’re coming from OP. I felt the same when asked by my DH, I think it’s just I find the thought of it so toe curling my embarrassing but I don’t really know why I feel like that.

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:43

HE LIKES WOMEN TO WEAR SEXY LINGERIE

I'm not 'women'. I'm me.

OP posts:
oranges29 · 29/05/2023 19:44

I've personally struggled with self-esteem issues, so I believe therapy can be helpful. It can help you understand why your self-esteem is low and how it affects your relationships. While therapy won't necessarily 'fix things', it can teach you coping skills to help you when you get triggered and manage those feelings in a more productive way.

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:45

I’m surprised he hasn’t dumped you I’m afraid to say

And he's free to do so if that's what he wishes.

OP posts:
NCMum79 · 29/05/2023 19:48

What is it you need from this post OP? You've said what's happened but you don't seem to be into the idea of therapy and you don't seem to be too interested in talking to him about it. There aren't really many other solutions to the issue save leaving the relationship....is that - the point?

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 29/05/2023 19:49

I think it's good you have the self awareness to know this is an issue you have and not anything he has done wrong.

How to get past it is really tricky though.

You seem quite defeatist about it and I'm wondering if it could be that you are subconsciously pushing him and the relationship away deliberately? Is there any chance that's what's happening?

Not sure how to get past that either, so maybe not especially helpful

InsomniacVampire · 29/05/2023 19:50

DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:43

HE LIKES WOMEN TO WEAR SEXY LINGERIE

I'm not 'women'. I'm me.

You are a woman though.
If he asked you to do a threesome or pimped you out to a mate, I'd get that, but to ask to wear something sexy for bed...
I do think maybe try therapy, or prepare that he will leave, you seem quite casual about it anyways?
It's up to you if you think this relationship is worth fighting for, or do you want him to click with someone who is more responsive and opened and leave you for that person, which will only increase the sense of insecurity.

Hidinginaonesie · 29/05/2023 19:50

Does he ever tell you you look particularly nice when you’re dressed up to go out, OP?
If so, do you then think that he only thinks you look nice in that particular outfit?
How would you react if he said, “I love it when you wear that green dress”.?
The sexy lingerie is no different. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

AnyaMarx · 29/05/2023 19:51

It's just an enhancement op - it's a shame you w taken it so badly .

Have you ever just dressed up for you to see what you feel you look like ? I always feel 100x more sexy if I hit the dress up box !

There's something way more deep rooted in how youve reacted - it's meant to be fun - not a damning indictment of how attractive you are.

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:51

oranges29 · 29/05/2023 19:44

I've personally struggled with self-esteem issues, so I believe therapy can be helpful. It can help you understand why your self-esteem is low and how it affects your relationships. While therapy won't necessarily 'fix things', it can teach you coping skills to help you when you get triggered and manage those feelings in a more productive way.

I've had therapy for self esteem before. I don't think that's really the issue. I know worth elsewhere but I see what I look like.

I make the most of myself, practise self care etc, groom in a way I'm comfortable with but I think I believed that he loved me and fancied le as I was and now it doesn't feel like that anymore.

I've internalised conditions that he hasn't expressly made.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 29/05/2023 19:52

Thehonestybox · 29/05/2023 19:26

This is genuinely such a huge overreaction, you must have some unresolved trauma and I know that sentence is bandied about a lot, but it's so true, maybe try a couple of private counsellor sessions to chat about it.

Sexy underwear is a normal suggestion, and I would've thought the opposite to you - "he's staying with me, he's making suggestions on trying different things in bed...this can only mean he definitely finds me appealing" is how I would take that

This

Sandylanes69 · 29/05/2023 19:53

What would you like to hear? What are you looking for on this thread?

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:54

NCMum79 · 29/05/2023 19:48

What is it you need from this post OP? You've said what's happened but you don't seem to be into the idea of therapy and you don't seem to be too interested in talking to him about it. There aren't really many other solutions to the issue save leaving the relationship....is that - the point?

I suppose, I was hoping that reading the responses would help le see it from a different perspective.

The problem is, I already have that perspective in head I just can't fight downy feelings about it.

Sometimes, I just think - fuck it! Buy some stuff amd surprise him! I had stuff in my basket online before I started the thread.

But then I remembered what I look like, remembered that it's me, emptied my basket amd started this thread.

I don't know how to bring it up with him.

OP posts:
leopard22 · 29/05/2023 19:54

Honestly, you're massively over reacting and taking it too far! All them ideas in your head you've come up with yourself, he hasn't said any of that.

Don't let this ruin what you say is a good relationship, maybe try and work on your own self esteem.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/05/2023 19:54

Then who made those conditions in the first place?. Was love conditional in your house during your childhood?.

Something caused you to express such a reaction and it is in your interests to get to the root of it.

oranges29 · 29/05/2023 19:54

Your feelings are not fact. Can't you take him at his word that he is attracted to you? Or are you determined to convince yourself that the worst case scenario is true?

Gettingbysomehow · 29/05/2023 19:55

You are being ridiculous OP and reading things into this that aren't there. This is a perfectly normal thing for someone to ask in a relationship. If you destroy your relationship over something so innocuous you,ll be a fool.
Are you normally so self pitying?

oranges29 · 29/05/2023 19:55

It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved trauma. This is not your fault but it's clouding how your reacting to your partner.

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:56

AnyaMarx · 29/05/2023 19:51

It's just an enhancement op - it's a shame you w taken it so badly .

Have you ever just dressed up for you to see what you feel you look like ? I always feel 100x more sexy if I hit the dress up box !

There's something way more deep rooted in how youve reacted - it's meant to be fun - not a damning indictment of how attractive you are.

I did once in my 20s. Looked at myself in the mirror, took it off, stuffed it in a drawer and threw it away when I moved house 😕

OP posts:
Missingmyusername · 29/05/2023 19:57

“Sometimes, I just think - fuck it! Buy some stuff amd surprise him! I had stuff in my basket online before I started the thread. “

I think you should. If it’s really not for you then don’t, you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Fear of how you look shouldn’t be one of them.

Do you feel that he loves you? Does he show it? That’s all that matters, from what you’ve said he loves you and finds you attractive but would like some lingerie thrown in. Go for it. Report back once done! 💐

NCMum79 · 29/05/2023 19:57

"But then I remembered what I look like, remembered that it's me"

That's all you OP..... actually no, that's probably someone else. Parental figure? Did they put you down looks-wise?

RE bringing it up with him - 'I have something I want to talk to you about, it's very personal, and it's not aimed at you, you've done nothing wrong, but I would really like some help and support to get through this kind of thinking....'? Something like that?

marianacross · 29/05/2023 19:57

There is something that you have taken on in your past to process it in this extreme reaction. Therapy will help you work it out what it is/was and how to move on from it.

It may be something from when you were growing up, the dynamics within the family (how you/siblings were treated by others incl parents/carers), how you have been made to feel this way.

Missingmyusername · 29/05/2023 19:58

Ps there are some nasty posts on this thread. It’s meant to be a supportive place, don’t be a twat.

Original poster
DownAtMySpotInTheGarden · 29/05/2023 19:59

Hidinginaonesie · 29/05/2023 19:50

Does he ever tell you you look particularly nice when you’re dressed up to go out, OP?
If so, do you then think that he only thinks you look nice in that particular outfit?
How would you react if he said, “I love it when you wear that green dress”.?
The sexy lingerie is no different. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

He does sometimes. It just makes me feel very uncomfortable and he knows this so he doesn't don't often.

I currently have 3 new dresses that I think I look really nice in. I put them on when I'm in the house on my own, look at myself in the mirror and feel happy with how I look.

Then I take them off and put them away. He doesn't even know they exist.

OP posts: