This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

[DownAtMySpotInTheGarden]

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

How does that feel for you, knowing he wants an image of you close to hand, to see lots of times a day? I get the sense that you're almost angry about it - especially combined with your comment above about the bra strap.

It feels as though you're taking an aggressively defensive stance (or even an offensive stance) to protect yourself, but when you break it down - it isn't. By retreating from him after his suggestion about lingerie, it has caused a rift in intimacy between you - which isn't making you happy. By not wanting to do something that your partner would find attractive (putting side personal taste about sexual stuff here: assume that, without the trauma, you'd be okay with this) - such as the lingerie, or in the bra strap example - you're not protecting yourself from anything: you've lost out on an opportunity for better intimacy and connection, and you've reinforced the belief that you can't be attractive. So much so that you're now angry at the mere suggestion.

I know you've probably been over this in therapy a million times but it sounds very much like you still view that internal voice as something you're powerless against, to the point where you can't stop yourself from acting according to it even though it doesn't protect you at all - and in some cases is actively harming you.

It’s perfectly normal for men to enjoy seeing their partner wearing sexy underwear for them. It doesn’t mean they don’t fancy them without the underwear. He probably just thought it would add a bit of spice once in a while. Recent ex mentioned buying me some sexy lingerie from Love Honey and I just told him I’d wear whatever he wanted me to (without reason) as we were enjoying a great sex life and that would have just added to it. I certainly didn’t think he wouldn’t fancy me if I wasn’t dressed a French maid. You’re over thinking it and it will destroy your relationship if you carry on.

Are these posts helpful? And they challenging your views on this?

Some of them.

And I appreciate the time taken by people.tp reply.

But mostly I'm not hearing anything that I don't already know. But knowing and feeling are two very different things.

It must be frustrating for people to read. And it's frustrating to feel. I sometimes get to the point of being able to say 'just fucking do it,' and then the loud voice comes screaming in at me, arms flailing and shouting everything else down to remind me that it isn't me. That's not who I am. And I'm back to square one.

Please do try and look at some talking therapy or counselling, even hypnotherapy (you don't have to divulge the finer details- hypnotherapy might help establish if there's been a trigger in your life that has affected your self esteem).

However, please do something. Your OH must be laying there wondering what on earth he has done wrong. Look at it from his point - you had a great relationship in the bedroom by the sound of it, and now suddenly he's laying next to a sweatshirt and leggings! For all you know, he may well now be questioning his own attractiveness if he thinks you don't want to be that close to him anymore.

This is a sad read OP, Please do seek some help, you sound like you have a great fella there, and you shouldn't be unhappy.

Your right about the anger.

I know it doesn't make sense to feel.angry at a complent or expression of attraction but that's how I feel.

I don't show that I'm angry because I know it wouldn't make any sense so being quiet amd withdrawing in the only thing I know how to do.

Ridiculous over reaction. You will be ruining the relationship single-handedly

Oh OP. You do NOT want to hear about any of my OH's requests. I look back fondly to the days it was just sexy underwear, but now we're in our fifties...

Tbh, hearing other people's perspectives helps a little.

The worst thing is, I'm not repressed in my head at all but 'out loud', I'm terrified.

I kind of get what you mean in terms of, I've never asked my wife to get any sexy underwear. I find her sexy as hell. To me, what's the point in spending loads of money on something which I'll be ripping off right away... Having two young children might have something to do with this though as we don't have the time anymore for anything too drawn out!! ... I think she looks great just in PJ's and a vest top anyway... Her bum and boobs in them are 😍 and my imagination runs wild, I don't have to see it all on show.

On the other side of the coin, I'd definitely NOT want a woman to wear sexy underwear if I didn't find her sexy to begin with. It's just about maximising your assets not trying to pretend it's something it isn't. You'll know already if you turn him on or not.

Your post does read a bit like self-sabotage and imposer syndrome to me, like you can't believe they'd be interested in you/why me. Working on your own self-belief should be high up your priority list.

I think if you can bring yourself to get some nice underwear, maybe not go the full monty to start with, just something sexy that you feel comfortable in, wear it a few times by yourself, see if it makes you feel sexy and body-confident, and if it does and you want to, then you can chose to show him some time.

OP, why do YOU feel bad, because you don't want to dress up for your"D"P?

Your body, your choice.

Fwiw, I'd be exactly the same in your shoes. I dress up "sexy" because I want to.

Not for anyone else.

Id forgotten my ex did this. I've got to say it turned me off. It was the tip of the "not enough" iceberg.

My DH is so easy. I'm sexy enough as I am, fat and all. God I love him for it.

Aww OP, your mum sounds truly hideous. Your partner is not a problem, you're not a problem, it's your mum that has created this in you. You can get through this, i really hope you can and live a life unhindered by your childhood trauma.

You sound very intelligent, thoughtful and honest and you essentially have a phobia (irrational fear) which can be worked though. Therapy has already been mentioned several times, what about hypnotherapy? Just putting it out there!

Does not the fact he knew you for four years and has been with you for 17 months not reassure you that he isn't settling.
When he tells you he lives you, don't you want to give him a kiss? He'd probably like it very much? Affection garners more affection.
Why don't you talk to him or show him this thread?

I am a balding, very overweight, hairy middle aged man. If I put on sexy womens underwear - would your DH fancy me ? I suspect not.

His sexual desire is not about the underwear, it's about the person wearing it.

Me too

Might being withdrawn seem like passive aggressive, though? Perhaps a middle way would be to explain a bit about how you feel to him, even if just a little so that he doesn't feel you aren't into him or so that he understands you feel insecure due to childhood?

If he wants to see you in sexy underwear, then he obviously finds you attractive. Sometimes it's fun to spice things up. Poor guy will probably be too scared to ask for anything again

It's ok to not feel comfortable doing what he asked by the way and if he was pushing it against your wishes that would be icky. But he has backed off. It's healthy to be able to ask sexual favors and it's healthy to be able to say no sorry that doesn't work for me.

You just need to find a way to accept somehow that the request did not mean anything bad about how he sees you.

Then continue not dressing up in bed (as it would make you uncomfortable) and all will probably be well.

It seems you are massively projecting insecurities of your own onto him and therefore taking this as some kind of rejection of you. The issue is your self-esteem. That is what you need to address.

Oh honey, he is desiring you and honestly? It can feel very empowering! It doesn't need to be cheap sleazy stuff (tho that has its moments!) - it can be glamorous, sensual.
He sounds like a good guy so he hasn't said this to cheapen what you have. It's just... different!
Try some when he is NOT there, and see how you feel. Then if you still don't like it, explain to him, and then pay it no further heed.

This thread takes this very old ABer back to a branch of Tie Rack when I bought my now late OH some silk boxers, as the assistant was ring up the sale I 'whispered' to him What will you tell your wife about where these came from?, poor girl look so shocked!
I have a drawer in the bedroom with lots of things he bought me, I wish I could still get into the chartreuse all in one, it was a squeeze thirty years ago!

Oh sweetie.
I came from a family chock full of disintegrating relationships (though at least there was some love thank christ) and I well remember the self-sabotaging expectation that even a really tender, loving, happy relationship would fall apart eventually.

Of course I don't know you and your DP. But I will tell you one thing. Sometimes relationships do work out. Sometimes people do live happily ever after. Sometimes we do manage to away the brambles of all the neuroses sown in childhood and make our way through to a good place.
And despite your own childhood wounds, you can too, you know.

I can't comment so much on the dressing up thing though as I may have tried this once and my OH got the giggles and said I looked adorable which was not QUITE the reaction I'd been hoping for

If you get a present and it's wrapped up in fancy wrapping paper it can add a little excitement to the gift, the anticipation adds to the fun.
It doesn't mean an unwrapped present isn't really loved, too.

I’ve read this thread and felt so sad for you, for this child. Have you got that photo? Even if not, picture it in your head when you’re saying to yourself that your partner is settling and you’re not enough. Do you really want to say those things to that child?

With the greatest respect, you are now hurting her like your mother did, she’s still you.

Please don’t let your mother keep doing this to you. He loves you and wants to see the underwear on YOU.

Hugs x

This is a you problem. It's very normal to want your partner to wear sexy lingerie or stockings. It means you really fancy them but you'd fancy them even more if they did this!!

Nothing to worry about or feel bad about at all. I think you need to examine your reaction to this and work on it.