This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

[DownAtMySpotInTheGarden]

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

Your mum was the villain but you’re treating him as if he is the villain who deserves your mistrust and projected pain. Only you can rewire that. Sorry if I missed it but have you had any therapy?

Yes, I agree, although I'm ok with play and dressing up if both partners are equally involved.

My exact same fear. Didn't happen.
I'm happy now knowing it won't happen. But yes, the first time was terrifying. I'm not going to lie.

I have felt exactly the same before when asked to dress a certain way. I told my bf how it made me feel and he reassured me he fancied me whatever, and he actually does worship the ground I walk on so I felt ok then and he’s never said anything since. So have an honest convo with him, otherwise it will ruin what you have.

It feels too late now.

I don't want to look back and feel that I've wasted years feeling this way.

It sounds stupid but this is all I've ever known. It feels safe in a way to feel like this. Even though feeling like this isn't safe at all.

I first became aware of her comments on my 10th birthday when she bought me some clothes and took them back because I was too fat for them. I've seen photos of myself then. I wasn't fat.

But I knew she was embarrassed that I wasn't a pretty child before then.

thank you for your honesty x

This is a very sad thread in a way but there is also a lot if possibility here.

OP I think you have a lot of room for change and growth and the discovery of joy. The problem isn’t one of self esteem—for which the ‘cure’ is somehow praise or affirmation. The problem is a childhood spent under the rule of narcissistic abuse. The problem is your mother enforced a toxically low opinion of you and an even lower opinion of others. You think you aren’t worthy and you have a low opinion of your boyfriend too since you think he has to “settle” for you like a guy.

of course he could choose someone else! But he didn’t. The people around you (with the exception of your disordered mother) choose who they want to be with and do what they love. Sure! They could choose someone else! They didn’t—they chose you!
I would suggest you turn your attention to the gaping mother wound your mother inflicted on you. Only once you really unpack how vile and cruel her treatment was can you be unburdened and start to truly appreciate that other relatiinships you are in are not a repeat of that relationship. Your mother was wring to see you as ugly, wrong to tell you that you were ugly, and you have got to learn that others around you can love you freely and truly since they are not disordered as she was.

That's pretty much what hebsaod when I told him no. But I feel like a huge disappointment and that he must be settling for me now and loves me despite this.

Is he a good bf in every other way? Does he show you affection? Flirt with you ect? If he does, honestly he’s probably telling the truth. He’s with you for a reason, don’t be so hard on yourself.

Thank you.

I've had therapy and a lot of this has been addressed. I understand it all. all the theory behind it. I can see her mindset and approach in other aspects of her life includng her own choices with men. I can see that she had chronically low self esteem and i understand what triggered it.

But I haven't been able to make any lasting or significant changes with therapy. I've tried to make contact with a few local therapists whose details I've found but none of them got back to me.

Obviously it is clear you have some childhood trauma that you need to deal with. You reaction and feeling about your boyfriend are not rational and they do not become more rational the more you repeat them on this thread.

I think you need to get some support to help you process your trauma, but while you are doing that you need to think hard about whether you are in the right place for a relationship right now. Your boyfriend is not responsible for the trauma you are carrying and acting out on him can easily move into abusive behaviour.

So much self loathing OP. It must be exhausting for you.

Yes he is. He's not perfect but no one is!

The request has triggered you on a profound level and beating yourself up about it won’t help. Don’t shut your partner out. You owe it to yourself and your relationship to find out why this has triggered you, it’s time to talk to a professional.

Please, please get therapy. It sounds like you are sabotaging something here.

My husband told me once that he was enticed by a glimpse of a bra strap, like with an off the shoulder jumper, and after that I found myself looking at the straps more in shops when choosing. I don't like 'lacy' ones but he's all right with plain black or bright red so that's OK.

Oh op! You've done amazingly so far to over come your esteem issues.

From reading your subsequent posts, I think the issue is besides your past history is the fact that you will be opening yourself to criticism potentially.

Being in a relationship, does occasionally mean sharing your vulnerabilities and sometimes we need to push past and do just that. Take the plunge and allow yourself to be vulnerable. It's so hard to break down walls once they've been built. Try going at your own pace...you choose what and where.

So much internal damage and hatred has been done by your mum and you really, really should have some therapy to work on it.

You're doing some classic maladapted thinking patterns.

You're literally inventing thoughts for him he doesn't have: he says he is attracted to you, and you've decided he's not. You say he doesn't take pictures, and yet he set one as his phone screen (a modern-day gesture of sentimentality).

You push away any suggestion of fixing it: can't talk to him because of the response, can't get therapy because it's too late, can't do X because Y.

You're mentally stuck. You need to get unstuck.

He sounds like a good man who cares about you but your thought patterns are SO off-base that frankly right now you're not able to see the wood for the trees. Your body is having a physical, visceral reaction to the emotional abuse triggered by something that would be seen as innocuous otherwise - that's understandable, but you need help to fix it, and in the meantime you need to start questioning every single belief you have and not letting the internal voice be 'fact'. It's just a voice, a belief. You don't have to take it as true. If your brain tells you you can't do X because Y, thank it for its contribution, question the belief and then decide if you want to use that as your basis for moving forward - you don't have to. For example, if your brain says "he wants you to wear lingerie because he hates your body and it's not enough", say "interesting perspective, thanks. However as he's said he likes it before and we've had a good sex life and it's quite normal for people to be interested in lingerie, I don't know if that's true.". It'll feel abnormal at first and you won't really believe it, but eventually it'll become second nature to question the bullshit inner voice your mum created: it does not have to be The Truth. Just one, trauma-formed way of thinking that you can (with professional help and practice) ignore.

For therapy to work it's a lot of actual work...habit changing, thinking changing, it takes a long time and commitment. I never found talk therapy alone useful, i'd wager for most people with serious trauma it doesn't even scratch the surface

If that were me, I would be on constant alert for women out in public who were showing a glimpse of bra strap and make sure I never showed one.

(Because that's pretty much how I've reacted to this).

It wouldn't occur to me to do what you did. I would go out of my way to do the opposite.

If that were me, I would be on constant alert for women out in public who were showing a glimpse of bra strap and make sure I never showed one.
You seem incredibly insecure, if your bf said he liked that you'd deliberately never wear it?
That all sounds very odd and uptight.
Have you never been in a relationship?

Brilliant post.

Op, you are stuck. I'm like you. Had therapy, knew it all but was still having same thoughts and patterns. It's like an internal war in my head.

I'm currently having EMDR. It's early days and it's hard but I'm hopeful.

Are these posts helpful? And they challenging your views on this?

Talk to your partner. Be honest.

You say he doesn't take pictures, and yet he set one as his phone screen (a modern-day gesture of sentimentality).

I know it's not the point of your post but he took it when I wasn't looking. I didn't know.

He showed me it because he'd put it know his phone but he would have told me anyway because he knows I won't have my photo taken. He doesn't ask anymore becaise he knows what my response will be. I only glanced at it quickly.

On rare occasions he took a photo in the early days, before he knew how serious i was and it wasnt a faux concern to elicit complents and before I'd told him, I physically couldn't bring myself to look at them.

Yes, it's a visceral response I have no control over. Usually because it's unexpected and I've had no time to prepare or ready myself for it. No time to activate any strategies for managing my feelings. So my whole body just goes into overdrive to protect myself.

Look up Alicia McCarvel on Instagram... she's a bigger girl who's been through a journey to realise she's not how she looks.

Am I right that you have posted about this before? If so this has been going on a good few months now, and nothing is shifting except your relationship getting worse. I think everyone is right that some therapy will help, I'm surprised no therapists have got back to you, usually they do reply even if to say they are full, so have another try.