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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

247 replies

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:11

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

OP posts:
Randobelia · 27/05/2023 20:13

LTB

it's happened before

It's going to happen again

No way to live life and you know it.

SallySunrise · 27/05/2023 20:14

He sounds like a massive child.

On the bright side you've got 5 days free of hours miserable face from tomorrow!

ThirstyThursday · 27/05/2023 20:14

Twat.

tell him he's got 5 days to sort his shit out because you refuse to carry on like this.

Quitecrinkly · 27/05/2023 20:15

LTB what a manipulative bellend

Irritateandunreasonable · 27/05/2023 20:16

Lol he’s an utter twat.

BananaBum · 27/05/2023 20:17

He sounds very childish and manipulative

hope you have an amazing holiday without him!

Mom2K · 27/05/2023 20:17

You should leave. What do you get out of this relationship when he is always manipulating things to make himself a victim and constant give himself arbitrary reasons to be angry at you im order to control you and keep you in line?

This is no way to live. You deserve better (even if that means just being on your own). I'd rather be alone than in a relationship like this. In fact, I have made thst exact choice and am much happier for it.

Sadly, I don't think you can really reason with or change such a toxic person, the only options are leave or continue to put up with it.

Gymmum82 · 27/05/2023 20:17

5 days where you don’t have to look at his fucking face! Sounds like a winner to me.
Honestly either leave him. Or just ignore his childish strops. He’s doing it for a reaction so don’t give him one and go about your day as normal

VivaVivaa · 27/05/2023 20:18

What’s the point of being with him? Genuinely? And would you have actually had a lovely evening together or would it have been just about tolerable? I really couldn’t be bothered with someone so dramatic.

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:19

As soon as I got to this I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) I knew he was a controlling bully as texting this is ridiculous. You knew he wouldnt like you being out of the house without him. It is obvious. leave him. He is shit.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/05/2023 20:19

He is doing this to ruin your holiday tomorrow..just in case you were getting excited about it. Actually sabotaging it so you go in a bad mood. Completely ignore him . Do not give him the satisfaction of discussing it. Turn on some music and sing to yourself as you go about the house packing. Let him sulk away. I hope you have a brilliant holiday.

Elfie1976 · 27/05/2023 20:19

Very controlling behaviour....you shouldn't even have to justify yourself. Have a great holiday without him! X

Iwantcakeeveryday · 27/05/2023 20:19

oh I wouldn't put up with this, at all. What a baby.

BananaBum · 27/05/2023 20:19

VivaVivaa · 27/05/2023 20:18

What’s the point of being with him? Genuinely? And would you have actually had a lovely evening together or would it have been just about tolerable? I really couldn’t be bothered with someone so dramatic.

Yes this!

the only person that spoiled the evening is him! I would be telling him exactly that

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2023 20:19

He seems angry you’re going away without him, even though he didn’t want to go, so he’s sabotaged this evening and is making h

PinkButtercups · 27/05/2023 20:20

He's controlling.

They think they're clever with how they do things but they're stupid AF and most people can see through them. You don't need permission to go anywhere either.

Right on cue, you're due to go away for 5 days. He doesn't want you to enjoy yourself he wants you to sit there and be all sad and think about what you don't 'wrong'. He wants this to affect your holiday and you so you don't have a good time.

Enjoy your holiday, plan to leave the twat and don't give it a second thought. That'll annoy him more 👍🏻.

GloomySkies · 27/05/2023 20:20

Wow, its absolutely killing him that you're able to have a life that involves other people and isn't just 100% about his whims and moods, isn't it. If you were a Good Wife you wouldn't 'abandon him' by oh so selfishly going on holiday with your parents (and you would see he is right and they are Terrible Terrible People).

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2023 20:20

making himself out to be a victim and you the baddy. Pathetic.

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:20

Also you were never going to have a good night with with him. Controlling men ruin everything. he would have ruined tonight regardless to spoil the start of your holiday.

PinkButtercups · 27/05/2023 20:21

Done*

Pixiedust1234 · 27/05/2023 20:21

He deliberately started that argument to make you upset for the holiday. He didn't want you to have a nice time and now you will have this in your head the entire time, worrying how he will be on your return.

It's in the abusers handbook it's that classic a tactic. Now you need to decide if he's worth the next twenty years of your life or not.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 20:22

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:19

As soon as I got to this I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) I knew he was a controlling bully as texting this is ridiculous. You knew he wouldnt like you being out of the house without him. It is obvious. leave him. He is shit.

This. If I was going to arrive home at the same time as DH, iI wouldn't bother texting. When food was being reheated I'd say, "oh I ate at DD's" and I'll bet he would say, "sit with me and have a glass of wine while I eat" and we'd have a lovely evening.

Yours is a total twat. And you know it.

Changingplace · 27/05/2023 20:23

He was looking for a reason to pick a fight because you’ve gone ahead with the nice holiday away he didn’t want to go on and he’s been stewing on it that he couldn’t control you not going either.

What a twat, have a lovely holiday & use it to have a long hard think about if you want to continue putting up with this childish manipulative behaviour from him, he’s awful.

coxesorangepippin · 27/05/2023 20:24

Leave.

Randobelia · 27/05/2023 20:24

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:20

Also you were never going to have a good night with with him. Controlling men ruin everything. he would have ruined tonight regardless to spoil the start of your holiday.

Yep. Spent 7 years of my life worrying about this type of shit. And more. Ex h did similar the day my grandfather died and the day of my grandfather's funeral. Absolute bastard. They can't take it when life does not revolve around them.

Honestly OP, you deserve a home which is peaceful and calm and not walking on eggshells.