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Original poster

I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

247 replies

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:11

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

OP posts:
Ap42 · 27/05/2023 21:38

Sounds like my abusive, controlling ex partner. He would ruin everything, from Xmas, birthdays to holidays. I was never allowed to enjoy myself, or get excited over anything. Men like this do not change, easier said than done, but leave him. It took me a long time to build up the courage to leave, but I did. In the meantime enjoy your holiday.

TwilightBee · 27/05/2023 21:39

Really don’t get all the people saying it’s controlling and manipulative? Childish, pathetic, and stubborn absolutely, but how has he been controlling or manipulative?

I see no issue with sending those texts. If my partner were to be expecting me at home when he got back after work I’d text him to let him know what I was doing if there was a chance he might get home before me.

If my partner was going on holiday and I had planned to have dinner with him the evening before and spend some time together, I’d be pretty pissed off to find out they’d decided to eat at someone else’s house and completely disregarded me.

Yeah going in an arse about it and ignoring you the rest of the night is childish, but I can completely understand being hurt and upset about it. If I were him I’d prolly have just said oh that’s nice (/s) thought we were going to eat together. Then be pissed off while I ate my dinner but try get out my head and over myself to enjoy the rest of the night. Some people struggle though and personally I think OP did ruin the night by choosing not to eat with her partner.

AnonyMenOhPee · 27/05/2023 21:45

TwilightBee · 27/05/2023 21:39

Really don’t get all the people saying it’s controlling and manipulative? Childish, pathetic, and stubborn absolutely, but how has he been controlling or manipulative?

I see no issue with sending those texts. If my partner were to be expecting me at home when he got back after work I’d text him to let him know what I was doing if there was a chance he might get home before me.

If my partner was going on holiday and I had planned to have dinner with him the evening before and spend some time together, I’d be pretty pissed off to find out they’d decided to eat at someone else’s house and completely disregarded me.

Yeah going in an arse about it and ignoring you the rest of the night is childish, but I can completely understand being hurt and upset about it. If I were him I’d prolly have just said oh that’s nice (/s) thought we were going to eat together. Then be pissed off while I ate my dinner but try get out my head and over myself to enjoy the rest of the night. Some people struggle though and personally I think OP did ruin the night by choosing not to eat with her partner.

Would you have said you’d gone out so as not to have to look at your DPs fucking face?

if so I think you might have a problem - that’s not an acceptable way to speak to someone you’re supposed to love.

Gotanygrapes84 · 27/05/2023 21:45

He sounds so much like my ex partner.

getting rid of him was the best decision I ever made. You deserve better than to live like this.

Thesharkradar · 27/05/2023 21:45

He sounds hostile & manipulative.
This 'is it so wrong to just want to spend time with my wife?' is gaslighting- the issue isnt his wanting to spend time with you, the issue is his angry and contemptuous response when you dont defer to him.
I have to ask if you are afraid for your physical safety?
Is it worth having a frank talk with him and calmly telling him that you wont tolerate being treated like this and will leave him if he continues?

jenny38 · 27/05/2023 21:51

Unfortunately I recognise this behaviour. My approach- we need to behave like adults, in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a break up type issue. So we can either carry on like this and be miserable for our last night together. Or we can be adults and move past it. If he continues- sleep in separate rooms, go away tomorrow and let him stew. You gave him the opportunity to move past it, he didn’t. So tiresome when men don’t communicate properly, no bloody need for it.

Original poster
tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 21:53

@TwilightBee
We hadn't planned to have dinner (which to me is a nice meal together/feels a bit special), we had planned to have an early bath and watch a movie - not affected by me getting home at 6pm. Dinner was always going to be a casual eating on the sofa anything that needs using in the fridge - I wasn't hungry and I had snacked at the barbeque in the afternoon and he is often starving when he gets in from work and wants to eat straight away - I thought I was being helpful!

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 27/05/2023 21:53

I feel very sorry for you. Hope you have a lovely holiday without his miserable attitude bringing you down.

Queenager · 27/05/2023 21:56

OP - you say ‘he has form’ - you know he’ll have a strop if you do something that disappoints him. The fact that he used the phrase he didn’t want to see ‘your fucking face’ is horrible.
I’m glad you’ve got a few days away from him to think about what you truly deserve.
People on here that are posting ‘consider leaving him’ are either …

  1. married to emotionally mature men - so they can spot a twat from a mile off or..
  2. They are very happily single/ divorced.

Don’t spend your life treading on eggshells. X

Jifmicroliquid · 27/05/2023 21:57

Why would you want to spend your life with a sulking idiot who treats you like rubbish for no reason?
Seriously, don’t put up with it.

SnugAsA · 27/05/2023 21:59

I have to agree that sending a text saying you'll be a bit late and have already eaten, indicating that food is ready and waiting, doesn't seem extreme or a sign of a troubled relationship. I'd appreciate that type of consideration from DH and would do the same for him. I'd also understand someone being a bit put out that things didn't go as planned on the last evening together for a while. That type of thing matters more to some people than others.

His sulky behaviour, insults, and overreactions are another matter (and unacceptable), but the original text was just normal couple communication, imo.

GrinAndVomit · 27/05/2023 21:59

Please research coercive control. I think you may be in an abusive relationship.

Josephinehetty · 27/05/2023 21:59

So Sorry. I have also had this situation. Someone who refused to be in the house on his own and went into massive rant if I was even at my parents house without him. Obviously, things got much much worse and he ended up being removed by police. But the early signs were exactly as you describe

SnugAsA · 27/05/2023 22:01

Crossposted... If the shared meal wasn't planned, he was just being difficult. But feeling you should text to say you'll be late and have eaten seems like normal consideration. I wouldn't think that's an immediate sign that the relationship is unhealthy or controlling.

ThereIbledit · 27/05/2023 22:04

He gives me the ick.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2023 22:04

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Your relationship with him is really and truly over because of his wanting to control you and your every move.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/05/2023 22:05

I'd spend the holiday working out how to leave the nasty fucker.

No WAY did he come home early, thats just another device to make you feel like shit - don't suppose you have a ring doorbell or similar that would show what time he got home?

He's not going to change, he doesn't want to, he sees no reason to bother as he is more than happy with the way HE is. As far as he is concerned, its you that as or indeed is, the problem.

So kick the fucker out, life will become significantly easier without having to worry about how he will react to every single thing you do!

Soproudoflionesses · 27/05/2023 22:06

Gaslighting at its finest.
My DH sometimes tries to pull this shite (not very often to be fair) but thanks to MN l am wise to it now so pull him up on it now and it puts him back in his place.

TwilightBee · 27/05/2023 22:06

No of course not. But as nasty as that is I don’t see how it’s controlling and manipulative. Certainly unacceptable though.

TwilightBee · 27/05/2023 22:09

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 21:53

@TwilightBee
We hadn't planned to have dinner (which to me is a nice meal together/feels a bit special), we had planned to have an early bath and watch a movie - not affected by me getting home at 6pm. Dinner was always going to be a casual eating on the sofa anything that needs using in the fridge - I wasn't hungry and I had snacked at the barbeque in the afternoon and he is often starving when he gets in from work and wants to eat straight away - I thought I was being helpful!

Okay well that changes things if it wasn’t planned. Sorry, from your OP it sounded like it was planned that you were going to have dinner together even if it was just leftovers.

To be clear I don’t think his behaviour is acceptable, I was just trying to make a point that yeah I’d be upset as well if that’s how the night had gone. But it does sound like he has some anger issues he needs to sort out.

FloralBloomers · 27/05/2023 22:10

What screamed out to me about your post is how much overthinking and planning you are having to do for a very non eventful situation. That already says you feel quite controlled. I know this as I feel the same a lot of the time. It's sad. He is creating issues where there isn't any probably because of his insecurities. Do you feel like you have to keep him happy before you do what you want?

This. I don't recognise it as normal. I'm my own person. If all my commitments are met, then my time is my own. If I texted my husband that I was out with friends and it was overrunning and I'd be home later, he'd settle down in front of the telly and watch all the stuff I don't want to watch. In that sense, he'd be pretty chuffed at having the house and telly to himself.

And he'd sort the kids out to boot. (They're really dead easy kids, milk, biscuit, bed, no prob, we're blessed)

He's not obsessed with what I'm doing. Just glad I'm having a nice time. I know how wearing it is to have no autonomy. I've been there and done that and it does not and can not last.

He is not the boss of you.

GracePalmer33 · 27/05/2023 22:11

So what if he did leave early with the hope to spend some time with you. Plans change, things happen. He didn't even tell you so how the hell can he be angry at you for not being psychic.
If I came home early to surprise my husband and he wasn't in, id just say oh well and do something else with my unexpected free time!
However I bet he didn't even come home early and is just trying to make you guilty for nothing.

He is an asshole. Controlling asshole.

FeelingHelpless99 · 27/05/2023 22:12

Pallisers · 27/05/2023 20:50

Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face".

OP, I am in my 50s. No-one in my entire life has ever said something like this to me. And certainly not anyone who claimed to love me. I agree he is a twat, he is trying to spoil your holiday, he loves to control you - everything you and previous posters said. But this just really stuck out to me. It is such an abusive, nasty thing to say to someone.

I totally agree

Backtothegym · 27/05/2023 22:15

God how do you put up with it, does it not give you the ick. You’ve a stronger stomach than me op; I would have kicked that into touch a long time ago. Can I ask why you don’t and stay when he does this childish bullying controlling shit?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 27/05/2023 22:18

So now you're using this next five days without him to make plans to not live with him beyond this next five days.....

Seriously, do you really want to live like this and show your kids that this is how to treat someone or be treated by someone??