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Original poster

I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

247 replies

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:11

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

OP posts:
thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 27/05/2023 20:26

My now-ex would pick fights like this. It does take time from inside to realise. But sorry yes, this isnt likely to end well. I would be looking to end this relationship.

Coldpizza2 · 27/05/2023 20:27

What screamed out to me about your post is how much overthinking and planning you are having to do for a very non eventful situation. That already says you feel quite controlled. I know this as I feel the same a lot of the time. It's sad. He is creating issues where there isn't any probably because of his insecurities. Do you feel like you have to keep him happy before you do what you want?

Lostinplaces · 27/05/2023 20:27

Controlling, bullying little prick. LTB

ArcticSkewer · 27/05/2023 20:27

Is there a particular reason why you put up with this low level crap? To an outsider it sounds a bit depressing.

If you want to stay, you could try just not giving a shit. All this anger seems a bit pointless. He's a tosser, that's just how he is. Shrug and get on with your day.

BodegaSushi · 27/05/2023 20:27

Come on. You know he left early on purpose, knowing you weren't going to be here, to be manipulative.

He don't 'have a controlling side', he IS controlling.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 27/05/2023 20:30

Would you have had a lovely evening together? Or would he have had a lovely evening so long as you spent the evening stressing and walking on eggshells to make sure you didn't set him off?

AlphaB3tty · 27/05/2023 20:31

I say go and enjoy your holiday with your parents and forget about him. I've had similar situations and now I'm at an age I don't care. His loss.

Justleaveitblankthen · 27/05/2023 20:35

junebirthdaygirl · 27/05/2023 20:19

He is doing this to ruin your holiday tomorrow..just in case you were getting excited about it. Actually sabotaging it so you go in a bad mood. Completely ignore him . Do not give him the satisfaction of discussing it. Turn on some music and sing to yourself as you go about the house packing. Let him sulk away. I hope you have a brilliant holiday.

Honestly this.
Word for word.

Enjoy your holiday and make sure he knows about it.
Manipulative twat.
Really hope you leave him x

OttoGraph · 27/05/2023 20:36

He’s a “spoiler” you’re going on holiday so he makes a drama to spoil your time off

pbdr · 27/05/2023 20:37

I couldn't live like that. You are so much better off alone than lumbered with someone as emotionally abusive and exhausting as that.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/05/2023 20:41

I would ignore him and not even say goodbye tomorrow, put him out of your mind and enjoy your holiday with your parents.
Then when you get back have a good long hard think about what your life will continue to be like staying with an abusive man like him.

I bet he didn't even leave early btw.

TeaParty4Me · 27/05/2023 20:42

You were half an hour late and he got in a strip about it?

FFS you are a grown adult and can get in as late as you want if you don’t have young DCs to get back for.

What’s worse is that you knew it was going to happen which says it all.

Go and enjoy yourself on holiday and ask him to have left by the time you get back (if it’s your home).

declutteringmymind · 27/05/2023 20:43

Man baby.

He obviously doesn't know how to communicate.

He should have text you saying that he's managed to leave work early and was looking forward to a dinner with you.

Were you supposed to be waiting for him just in case? And you told him where you were anyway.

Original poster
tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:43

He's now heated up the leftovers and is eating them upstairs. Can't wait to leave tomorrow, he WILL NOT spoil it for me. But I find it so hard to deal with, if I try to discuss it the response I will get is something like - is it so wrong to just want to spend time with my wife? (he loves to use the word "my wife" - I hate it, it makes me feel like a possession, he will say it's because he is so proud I am his wife). His "I adore you" stance is often used (I think) to control me or make me feel bad. I had thought this had been getting better (I had put in more boundaries) but clearly not :( Those of you who mentioned it is ridiculous to have even texted - I know it is. And I think I new deep down I knew that there were going to be repercussions when I got home.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 27/05/2023 20:45

I have to agree that it was a deliberate attempt to spoil your holiday. I used to be married to a twat who was jealous any time I went out and would pick a fight with me either before or more usually just when I came home. God forbid that I should actually enjoy life without him. It took me a long time to cotton on

Pallisers · 27/05/2023 20:50

Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face".

OP, I am in my 50s. No-one in my entire life has ever said something like this to me. And certainly not anyone who claimed to love me. I agree he is a twat, he is trying to spoil your holiday, he loves to control you - everything you and previous posters said. But this just really stuck out to me. It is such an abusive, nasty thing to say to someone.

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:50

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:43

He's now heated up the leftovers and is eating them upstairs. Can't wait to leave tomorrow, he WILL NOT spoil it for me. But I find it so hard to deal with, if I try to discuss it the response I will get is something like - is it so wrong to just want to spend time with my wife? (he loves to use the word "my wife" - I hate it, it makes me feel like a possession, he will say it's because he is so proud I am his wife). His "I adore you" stance is often used (I think) to control me or make me feel bad. I had thought this had been getting better (I had put in more boundaries) but clearly not :( Those of you who mentioned it is ridiculous to have even texted - I know it is. And I think I new deep down I knew that there were going to be repercussions when I got home.

This is an awful way to live and an awful upbringing for children. Is there nowhere else you can go?

PrinceHaz · 27/05/2023 20:51

I hope you leave him when you get back from the holiday.

OrbandSpectacle · 27/05/2023 20:54

Those of you who mentioned it is ridiculous to have even texted - I know it is. And I think I new deep down I knew that there were going to be repercussions when I got home.

This moved me to tears. I hope you get free of him.

Billyho · 27/05/2023 20:54

Oh lord, he’s a special type of a nightmare!

Pixiedust1234 · 27/05/2023 20:54

if I try to discuss it the response I will get is something like - is it so wrong to just want to spend time with my wife?

Don't discuss it. It's not your problem to fix as you can't. It's his problem. You need to learn to ignore his tantrums and say okay dear, turn your back on him and walk away. Every single time. Do not engage with this abusive behaviour.

He wants to upset you. He wants to mess with your head. He wants you asking whats the matter. He wants you jumping through hoops to change yourself. He wants you to appease him. He wants you walking on eggshells. But he doesn't actually want you.

Miscellaneousme · 27/05/2023 20:55

He’s a controlling arse. On the plus side, you have 5 days away from him to relax and consider your options.

strawberry2017 · 27/05/2023 20:57

Don't react to him, it's what he wants.
He is a man child trying to ruin your holiday over a non argument.

Randobelia · 27/05/2023 20:58

Can you confide in your parents or a friend?

squidgybits · 27/05/2023 20:59

When you return, I would be telling him that you intend to do exactly as you please, when you please and if he doesn't like it then divorce is also an option