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Original poster

I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

247 replies

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:11

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

OP posts:
ClementWeatherToday · 27/05/2023 21:00

I agree with @Pixiedust1234

There is absolutely no point in trying to discuss this with him, because you're not two normal adults who are having a difference of opinion / communication difficulties / trouble understanding one another. You are one normal adult and an abuser. He doesn't WANT to discuss it and come to an agreement. He wants to upset you the night before your holiday to punish you. I'm sorry.

Zarataralara · 27/05/2023 21:01

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:19

As soon as I got to this I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) I knew he was a controlling bully as texting this is ridiculous. You knew he wouldnt like you being out of the house without him. It is obvious. leave him. He is shit.

This 100%.
I’d also bet that he didn’t leave work early or plan a “ lovely evening together”, last meal blah blah.. he’s just saying that to turn the “ wrong” onto you and make him the hard done by victim.
I cba with someone like this. Show him the door.

caringcarer · 27/05/2023 21:02

He sounds about 12. Luckily you get to go on holiday and avoid his strop. Grin

Xrays · 27/05/2023 21:06

Think of the wonderful life you could have without him. He’s an arse.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 27/05/2023 21:06

OP you can't be with someone who speaks to you like that. I guarantee you and your children will be happier without him

TheSilentSister · 27/05/2023 21:07

I was married to a person like that. The manipulation was unbelievable looking back. I was always in the wrong. He was very clever with his manipulation, even the marriage counsellor was taken in by him (that's why I'll never recommend marriage counselling). The only way is to leave. Have an exit plan, keep it to yourself (obvs) and that will keep you going and nodding at him for as long as it takes to finally leave.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 27/05/2023 21:09

Just ignore his mood and carry on as if he was not sulky. Cheerily pack up, have a bath and an early night. Enjoy your time away.

CrackerAndPudding · 27/05/2023 21:11

You don't need to discuss this with him, its not for you to "sort out". All you need to say is "your behaviour is unacceptable" and, if it were me, make plans to leave.

Marchintospring · 27/05/2023 21:12

junebirthdaygirl · 27/05/2023 20:19

He is doing this to ruin your holiday tomorrow..just in case you were getting excited about it. Actually sabotaging it so you go in a bad mood. Completely ignore him . Do not give him the satisfaction of discussing it. Turn on some music and sing to yourself as you go about the house packing. Let him sulk away. I hope you have a brilliant holiday.

Yup.

Well done for ignoring. Even better grey rock. So just engage the minimum without making a big deal of it. His choice to act like a dick, nothing to do with you.

Solonge · 27/05/2023 21:13

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:11

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

Then the best way to deal with it is to totally ignore it. Talk to him as normal, don’t show any emotion, just normal behaviour. Frankly if my husband spoke to me like that he would be receiving divorce papers in the post! Sounds like a total manipulator.

Xrays · 27/05/2023 21:13

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 27/05/2023 21:09

Just ignore his mood and carry on as if he was not sulky. Cheerily pack up, have a bath and an early night. Enjoy your time away.

Yep this and make plans to leave.

Marchintospring · 27/05/2023 21:14

I would also add he doesn’t sound happy with you. But clearly hasn’t the balls to actually end it.

adrem · 27/05/2023 21:15

What a stroppy baby.
I really can’t see what you are supposed to have done wrong!

Ignore him.

Dita73 · 27/05/2023 21:17

I’m really sorry but you’re married to a self absorbed wanker. When you get back,kick him out and have a really good time on holiday to piss him off in a big way

cantcopenow · 27/05/2023 21:20

You know what OP, not to make your life all about me, but your thread has really opened my eyes to why I as an adult am always so stressed about being home on time, being where people want me to be, not changing plans. My mother was (and is) like this. Anything fun was ruined and it was all my fault - or so I was led to believe. I’m now in my 50s and I know that she will never change.

I don’t think your husband is going to change either. But you don’t have to live with him any more, you really don’t. And you don’t have to let anyone speak to you like that. I’m not really a LTB type poster but unless and until you do then you’ll have to put up with this nonsense. Life’s too short.

Thepossibility · 27/05/2023 21:21

So he adores you or doesn't want to look at your fucking face?
It's neither, it's the shit he spurts when he's having manipulative tantrums.
He's so wrong and ridiculous, don't let him turn this on you!
I agree he's trying to spoil the holiday he's refused to come on.
What a dick.

Pinkbonbon · 27/05/2023 21:24

So he's abusive.

It's no coincidence he is kicking off so close to your holiday btw. He wants you all angry and upset and unable enjoy it.

Ltb.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/05/2023 21:25

There is no point confronting such a convoluted person, he knows exactly what he is doing and alread has some stock arguments to fight back at you with.
Ignoring him and not saying goodbye tomorrow will actually leave him on the backfoot, he is likely expecting you to talk to him this evening so he can unload on you more, ruin your holiday to the maximum effect.

Just don't engage and look forward to your holiday, I hope you have a fantastic time, remember to take plenty of pictures for posterity.

WestwardHo1 · 27/05/2023 21:26

Sick to death of hearing about childish fucking men who carry on like this.

You must be even more sick to death of his patheticness.

Leave him and go it alone. You'll be SO much more content.

raincamepouringdown · 27/05/2023 21:26

I'd spent a bit of time discussing how to leave safely and with what you're entitled to with your parents while you're away. This is no way to live. And you don't want your children to see this and think it's normal or healthy, right?

Queenager · 27/05/2023 21:31

He’s manipulative and abusive. You deserve better.

doitwithlove · 27/05/2023 21:33

Tell him to go fuck himself the pathetic man, make sure you have the best time whilst he is at home.

Drop in to the conversation as well, he is no longer needed invited on the August holiday.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/05/2023 21:34

Have you written about your H before OP? The liking the words 'my wife' a lot seems recently familiar as does the not wanting to go on holiday with your family.

My H has spoiler tendencies too if I'm off to do something enjoyable that doesn't involve him- I honestly think it's men who don't have enough in their lives in terms of friendships , so they want your constant attention

TellyInsider · 27/05/2023 21:36

I hate to say it but it’s post like the OP’s that make me very very glad to be single.

Springingintosummer · 27/05/2023 21:37

Have a lovely holiday. Perhaps forget to put your phone on for the next 5 days and enjoy the family you have chosen to be on holiday with.