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Original poster

I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

247 replies

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:11

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

OP posts:
TellySavalashairbrush · 28/05/2023 10:58

I talk from experience. It doesn’t get better trust me. Get out and leave him far behind.

Badgeringabout · 28/05/2023 11:17

Don't bother shaking with anger OP. Get some higher standards for yourself and dump the twat.

anotherside · 28/05/2023 11:40

Sounds like you married a dickhead who doesn’t want to spend occasional time with your parents though it would probably make you/them happy, and who is controlling and manipulative.

Plottingspringescape · 28/05/2023 11:53

On the face of it from this one incident I can see why he was upset. I would be if DH was going away and he'd eaten elsewhere instead of with me as planned. I think it is fair to expect you to prioritise your partner for one night if you are not going to see them for a while. However it sounds like there is a lot more to it, and there is definitely no excuse for swearing at you. I hope you enjoy your holiday.

monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 11:57

Plottingspringescape · 28/05/2023 11:53

On the face of it from this one incident I can see why he was upset. I would be if DH was going away and he'd eaten elsewhere instead of with me as planned. I think it is fair to expect you to prioritise your partner for one night if you are not going to see them for a while. However it sounds like there is a lot more to it, and there is definitely no excuse for swearing at you. I hope you enjoy your holiday.

You would honestly be upset if your partner was going to be 30 minutes later than planned? Really?

"I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm)"

billy1966 · 28/05/2023 11:59

OP,

You are very clearly in a highly emotionally abusive relationship and have been for so longer it is your norm.

Hebis angry you are leaving for a few days and was ALWAYS going to blow up about something so as to cause upset and drama to try and send you off upset.

Your poor children are being reared in a really damaging toxic environment.

Read up "the boiling frog" analogy, where over the years things slowly get worse.

Screaming at you about not looking at "your fxxking face" is horrific behaviour but no surprise to you.

He is a horrible controlling abusive man.

Tell your family and friends the truth and call Womens aid for a chat.

This doesn't have to be your life.

Do not talk to him before you go.

Any threat of violence, call the police.

Mute him on holidays.

Take a break to clear your head.

He is a bad man.

Plottingspringescape · 28/05/2023 12:01

monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 11:57

You would honestly be upset if your partner was going to be 30 minutes later than planned? Really?

"I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm)"

Show quote history

No, as I said, I would be upset if he had planned to eat with me, then eaten elsewhere.

Batalax · 28/05/2023 12:01

He "Adores" his wife but only the one who only wants to be with him and behaves exactly as he wants, the real you who has her own life and mind is the one whose "fucking face he doesn't want to see"

Oh this is so absolutely spot on.

inloveandmarried · 28/05/2023 12:06

PinkButtercups · 27/05/2023 20:20

He's controlling.

They think they're clever with how they do things but they're stupid AF and most people can see through them. You don't need permission to go anywhere either.

Right on cue, you're due to go away for 5 days. He doesn't want you to enjoy yourself he wants you to sit there and be all sad and think about what you don't 'wrong'. He wants this to affect your holiday and you so you don't have a good time.

Enjoy your holiday, plan to leave the twat and don't give it a second thought. That'll annoy him more 👍🏻.

This.

It's not so subtle controlling. My ExH had form for this. He always pulled me up on my 'behaviour' (there was none) when he was free to be as diabolical as he wanted.

Mine would always make me feel awfully guilty if I did anything alone. Got cross if I dared to use the phone to chat to anyone but him once he was home.

I can see flags.

billy1966 · 28/05/2023 12:14

I bet if OP reflects on all the times he gets irrationally upset at her, it will be linked to her doing ANYTHING that doesn't involve or revolve around him.

She's just another abused woman with a controlling nasty bully as a husband.

OP

If you can gather important paperwork and leave it somewhere safe before the holiday, do.

Tine to get out.

CrackerAndPudding · 28/05/2023 12:18

I dont understand Plottingspringescape, are you saying you can see why he stormed off, said he didn't want to see her "fucking face" and then gave her the silent treatment? That's more than bring "upset".

The OP is quite clear that their plans were early bath and a movie, not specifically to have dinner and that she had only had a nibble at the bf's house. Was she to go mil by mouth after breakfast to suit him?

monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 12:29

@Plottingspringescape

No, as I said, I would be upset if he had planned to eat with me, then eaten elsewhere.

I'm not sure how that's relevant to this at all though, because you said "On the face of it from this one incident I can see why he was upset" despite OP saying "We hadn't planned to have dinner (which to me is a nice meal together/feels a bit special), we had planned to have an early bath and watch a movie - not affected by me getting home at 6pm."

The fact you'd be upset if your partner ate elsewhere after agreeing to have a meal together has no bearing on this example as that wasn't what they agreed. She was simply 30 minutes later home than planned. And even told him that would be the case as soon as she knew!

So I'm just not sure what your comment 'on the face of it from this one incident I can see why he is upset' is in relation to at all?

PorkPieChair · 28/05/2023 12:49

We can't possibly know, he may be a controlling arse or op could be a neglectful partner.

Either way they arn't matched and need different levels of attention.

He will detatch and find someone who prioritises 'the relationship' above everything else, and she will go on and find someone else and complain they don't spend enough time with her.

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 12:51

Don't talk shite.

Plottingspringescape · 28/05/2023 12:56

@monsteramunch I'm not going to get into a big argument with you, but if you read the OP again you will see they were going to have leftovers, then she messaged to say his was in the fridge and she'd eaten at the bbq. The eating together may not be a big thing to OP but her partner clearly felt differently. However it seems the only acceptable viewpoint on this thread is that the partner is 100% wrong and OP is 100% right.

monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 13:01

@Plottingspringescape

However it seems the only acceptable viewpoint on this thread is that the partner is 100% wrong and OP is 100% right.

He ignored her, disappeared without telling her he was going to be late (despite being annoyed she was going to be much less late, something she told him as a courtesy) then swore at her saying he didn't want to look at her 'fucking face'. Then stopped speaking to her.

Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face".

He is 100% wrong on this occasion.

HTH.

PorkPieChair · 28/05/2023 13:17

Leave him then.

If he requires too much attention.

You require less.

Sounds best if you find different partners.

crazeekat · 28/05/2023 13:20

op start writing down everytime things like this happen.
do it over a month or two. then look back. u will see the pattern of behaviour. then u will have decision to make with ur pathetic gaslighting husband.

Eleganz · 28/05/2023 13:21

If nothing else he is wrong because he did not communicate with you. You let him know where you were, what you were doing and when you would be back and if things changed. He did not communicate with you about his decisions and where he was and just waiting until you were back to have a strop. Simply texting you to say that he was looking forward to eating together with you and had got away from work early would have likely meant you would have come back from DD bf's parents sooner I am sure.

Calm down and make sure you talkabout this when you are both calm perhaps after the holiday. Of he doesn't get it or tried to blame you again then it is obviously more serious than just a grumpy mood given he has form for this.

Eleganz · 28/05/2023 13:25

Another thought... One thing I've learned about passive aggressive and controlling men is that they make contracts with their partners in their heads without communicating at all. Your DH is a classic example of this in that he has decided that you have agreed to eat together on this particular occasion without ever discussing this with you. It's called "covert contracts" and is a big problem in many relationships. Remember that you are not responsible for any covert contracts he makes in his head.

PurpleBugz · 28/05/2023 13:27

Controlling and emotionally abusive.

He wants to ruin your holiday.

You are being punished for having fun/going out without his consent so you don't do it again.

Keep a diary. Honestly this is important to counter gaslighting. I once made a post like this on somewhere like here and had the shocking revelation I was in an abusive relationship. I tried to leave but he told me my experience and feelings were wrong. It got all twisted back to being my fault and I had to try harder. Then I started a diary. With literal quotes of the things he was saying. I started to record our conversations with voice memo on my phone and listen back. Then I saw what he was doing. Still do leave but because I was starting to stand up for myself he escalated. I eventually left when he turned his abuse to our child.

I'd recommend the freedom program from woman's aid. So so helpful

SkyandSurf · 28/05/2023 13:40

PurpleBugz · 28/05/2023 13:27

Controlling and emotionally abusive.

He wants to ruin your holiday.

You are being punished for having fun/going out without his consent so you don't do it again.

Keep a diary. Honestly this is important to counter gaslighting. I once made a post like this on somewhere like here and had the shocking revelation I was in an abusive relationship. I tried to leave but he told me my experience and feelings were wrong. It got all twisted back to being my fault and I had to try harder. Then I started a diary. With literal quotes of the things he was saying. I started to record our conversations with voice memo on my phone and listen back. Then I saw what he was doing. Still do leave but because I was starting to stand up for myself he escalated. I eventually left when he turned his abuse to our child.

I'd recommend the freedom program from woman's aid. So so helpful

Great advice here OP.

Save this post. Next time he upsets you make another post. It will serve as a diary of his behaviour in the moment, you'll start to see patterns emerging, you'll have posters who are objective sense checking his behaviour, he won't be able to minimise it later. You'll have a contemporaneous record of what actually happened and how it made you feel.

Enjoy your holiday. Don't let him ruin it.

Make plans when you return.

Famzonhol · 28/05/2023 13:46

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 10:53

You both sound difficult.

Like fuck they do, unless being half an hour late home is being difficult, which I don't think it is. I'll eat nibbles whenever I like thanks.

Sure, you can eat nibbles whenever you like. No law against it. But if you’re in the habit of flaking on other arrangements in the process, don’t shake with anger when the other party get annoyed.

Hopefully they both decide to leave as they don’t sound suited or happy.

PorkPieChair · 28/05/2023 13:51

Sure, you can eat nibbles whenever you like. No law against it. But if
you’re in the habit of flaking on other arrangements in the process,
don’t shake with anger when the other party get annoyed.

*Yeah, makes you wonder whose schedule is always prioritized.
*

ZiriForEver · 28/05/2023 14:08

We would send a message in our household - both of us. We normally do eat dinner together, so "I'll come a bit later, don't wait for me" is just a basic courtesy.

Sometimes we specifically agree that last night before one of us leaving we will try to spend some time together and plan other stuff elsewhere, but you haven't done anything wrong even from that point of view, a small adjustmemt to benefit your child is just a life.

The only way to change his behaviour is to change your response to it. Don't feel guilty, do what you do...

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