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Original poster

I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

247 replies

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:11

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/05/2023 23:17

He’s a prick

Nobsandnockers · 27/05/2023 23:19

Cheeky Hobson- spot on.
Nothing you say or do will ever be enough.

user4567890754 · 27/05/2023 23:20

Are the children his, or is he their stepfather?

dizzydizzydizzy · 27/05/2023 23:20

IT's domestic abuse, OP. You shouldn't have to put up with that. Contact Women's Aid
When you return. In the meantime have a lovely holiday and don't waste a moment thinking about his mood and manipulation.

peachypudding · 27/05/2023 23:21

Why do you put up with this? Seriously - why?

There is no way on God's earth I'd ever let someone treat me like this.

IcedBananas · 27/05/2023 23:42

He’s sad you’re going on holiday without him. Probably jealous. He handles this with the emotional intelligence of a 2 year old. He uses abuse and manipulation.

The way he spoke to you too. Is this a common pattern?

  1. He tells you what a wonderful loving thing he had planned for you both
  2. He doesn’t do any of the wonderful loving thing (but expects credit for it still) 3)He uses demeaning phrases about you and swears at you - abuse!
  3. Makes sure you believe it’s all your own fault because x y z. He was a nice person with the loving plan and you made him this awful abusive person and you ruined the evening

what a load of BS. Don’t be surprised if he drags this out right through the entire holiday so you can enjoy it, or if he tries to upset the kids too.

Nearamir · 27/05/2023 23:43

Please don’t let this ruin your holiday, op. He’s being a childish, selfish, manipulative baby. Ignore and have a great time.

Twentynone21 · 27/05/2023 23:44

I put up with that type of behaviour and worse for years as I have such low self esteem. Eventually, after reaching the end of my tether and having some counselling I realised that I didn’t deserve it, stood my ground, called his bluff and ignored him. He kicked and screamed, did more of the same vile behaviour, made a feeble attempt at taking his life and the finally realised he needed to sort himself out. I’ve never looked back. You’re worth more than being treated like that, stand your ground, stop trying to accommodate his selfish behaviour and do what makes you happy, just be prepared for the initial storm. Just remember, you are enough and deserve to be treated with love and respect!

Remotecontrolatmyside · 27/05/2023 23:45

He's a dick. Mind you 'shaking in anger' is rather extreme so perhaps you're equally hard to live with.

Queenager · 27/05/2023 23:46

Google - ‘narcissist’ . He probably ticks a lot of the boxes.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 27/05/2023 23:48

What a wanker

enjoy your 5 days without this miserable cunt

CheekyHobson · 28/05/2023 00:11

Mind you 'shaking in anger' is rather extreme so perhaps you're equally hard to live with.

Respectfully, if you cannot at all identify with feeling shaky and angry while trying to calm yourself down and clear your head after being abused and disrespected (for the umpteenth time) over something very minor by a person who acts like a perpetual victim, then you have many blessings to count.

Pallisers · 28/05/2023 00:14

Remotecontrolatmyside · 27/05/2023 23:45

He's a dick. Mind you 'shaking in anger' is rather extreme so perhaps you're equally hard to live with.

If my husband - or indeed anyone - told me they had gone out so as not to see my fucking face, I could well feel shaky with anger.

And equating feeling angry at that to actually saying it? Equally hard to live with? Really?

LuluBlakey1 · 28/05/2023 00:23

His behaviour is so far removed from how a decent human being treats the person they are married to- you deserve much better than this. He's manipulative, abusive, bullying, nasty and utterly pathetic.

His verbal abuse of you is horrible. His manipulation of your emotions is just nasty- he wants you to be upset and feel bad. His punishing you is horrible. The manipulation to place him in a better light is pathetic.

What a decent human being would have done was say 'That's ok. Have a lovely time. I'll see you later and we can have a drink'. That's what my DH would have done in those circumstances. When I got home, he'd have poured me a drink and asked me how it had been.

LuluBlakey1 · 28/05/2023 00:24

I could not live with someone who behaves like that. He sounds pathetic and unpleasant.

echt · 28/05/2023 00:31

Remotecontrolatmyside · 27/05/2023 23:45

He's a dick. Mind you 'shaking in anger' is rather extreme so perhaps you're equally hard to live with.

That's what you're taking away from this?

There's alway one.

Gowlett · 28/05/2023 00:38

Agree, echt. A lot of people don’t understand how this type of man gets into your head & causes so much confusion, desperation, and absolute sadness. And anger. I’ve often been left in this state by my DH. And it’s always something that I’ve “started”. Then the love-bombing follows. It’s pure gaslighting & so hard to escape from.

RachelGreeneGreep · 28/05/2023 00:54

He sounds very nasty and manipulative.

Enjoy your time away and start thinking about whether or not this is someone you want to be stuck with forever.

CKL987 · 28/05/2023 01:09

Even if you had made plans things change. I don't know how many times DH have mentioned watching a movie together that evening when I leave for work in the morning and either 1) I end up going for drinks after work or 2) I get home and he is asleep (he has an odd sleeping pattern. Neither of us gives one fuck when this happens. We are supposedly going to be together for the rest of or lives so one missed evening of time together is no biggie. If it was something that had been booked and paid for or was with someone else then I'd understand the irritation, although still not the childish response.

I see lots of comments of LTB and if he won't get the help he needs to change then you really should, not just for you but for DD. If she sees you accept this behaviour then as an adult she is likely to accept it from a partner too.

Aria999 · 28/05/2023 01:14

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:19

As soon as I got to this I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) I knew he was a controlling bully as texting this is ridiculous. You knew he wouldnt like you being out of the house without him. It is obvious. leave him. He is shit.

He is clearly a controlling bully however I disagree that OP's texting is ridiculous.

If I was unexpectedly out when DH was expecting me for dinner I would let him know so he could plan his evening instead of hanging around wondering where I had got to.

That's basic courtesy.

Geppili · 28/05/2023 01:36

Nasty manchild

TheCartimandua · 28/05/2023 01:40

Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face".

To paraphrase Elizabeth Bennett, he has insulted you in every way possible.

FloralBloomers · 28/05/2023 02:17

If my husband - or indeed anyone - told me they had gone out so as not to see my fucking face, I could well feel shaky with anger

Quite. They would be an almost ex husband and/or an ex friend.
I would be utterly furious.

Would take an awful lot of coming back from. Personally, I'd ditch the pair of them and not look back.

MrsPetty · 28/05/2023 02:24

Your DH has issues OP. His behaviour is abusive, manipulative and ugly. He’s trying to sabotage your holiday … he wants you to leave feeling upset, confused, concerned and with the focus all on him. You have five days away from him now. I hope you can set this aside and enjoy your time. I think some relationship counselling might be in order when you return to see if this is salvageable or not ….

FloralBloomers · 28/05/2023 02:56

What a decent human being would have done was say 'That's ok. Have a lovely time. I'll see you later and we can have a drink'. That's what my DH would have done in those circumstances. When I got home, he'd have poured me a drink and asked me how it had been

Me too. Same. I've landed home at 1am. and dh still dozily awake. Made us both a big cup of teas then bed. There is no way on gods green earth that he thinks I've shagged somebody behind his back.