I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

[tomcat73]

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

I agree with PP who said he’s a controlling prick!

@KatyKopykat Fortunately we lived reasonably close to the airport and I was able to get a taxi in time. This was fortunately before all the extra security measures were introduced, otherwise we wouldn’t have had a hope.

So we had a chat yesterday morning before i left. Turns out he is mainly upset at two things - that he had arranged to leave work at 4pm to surprise me. And that i was "meeting" DD boyfriend parents anx he feels "left out". I understand his dissappointed his plans did not come off - however.....he got my first email 20 mins before he left work ( and half hour before i went out). I asked why he didnt reply as if he had i would have a) just picked my daughter up later or b) said why dont we go together and pop in for a while when we pick her up. He had no response to this. (She was only 5 mins drive from our house!).

Thanks for the update @tomcat73. He had no answer to you because he knows he should have communicated with you and he didn't. He just assumed you were a mindreader and should be implicitly aware of any things he has made you agree to in his head.

Did you ask him to communicate in future? Do you think he understands that that is the issue here? I.e. his fault?

He had no response because he was lying. He didn't plan to leave early he's only saying that to guilt you, twist the narrative and gaslight

Sorry ' it was a text not an email - he saw it as soon as it was sent. He was also going on about saying i said i wasnt going out thst day - i told him there were loads of reasons i miight have popped out and i didnt expect to have to run this by him when i didnt even expect him to be there. With the missing out thing - we have been invited there before and he didnt want to go. The reason i know them slightly is i drop things round there a lot and have chats when i do (this is the kind of thing he would grumble about doing hif asked a lot of the time). I also told him i never expected that be spoken to like that ( a few years ago within the space of a few months called me a cunt severa
l times. Always when he lost it over somethjng ridulous).

Of course i am now getting the " i miss you so much" messages. Speng the day reading by the pool and havjng s cocktail. Can't remember the last time i felt this relaxed (even with the dynamics of my parents and 3 feisty teen/young adult children)!

He's just full of shit, op, that's why he can't answer you.

Why are you bothering to pretend he isn't lying? You must know on some level he is just taking the piss. Honestly, just let it go. If you don't plan to leave at least don't take part in this charade

Apologies for endless typos - awful on my phone!

He was being totally unreasonable Op, he could have answered your message and stayed at work.How is he missing out by not meeting the parents when he refused before? It's all pathetic excuses because he wanted you home. Does he really expect you to tell him when you're going out? I couldn't be having with any of this, you are an adult and you don't need to make excuses to any one

And by the way, the I miss you messages are so predictable as to be laughable. Turn your phone Off and enjoy

He sounds absolutely awful. Total man child as well as being emotionally and psychologically manipulative. Really how could anyone find someone who behaves like this attractive in any way?

Bit of a red flag that I am afraid after his strop before you left.

Might not help, but I have a male friend who sings the praises of a booked called " No more Mr Nice Guy" about trying to get men to see their toxic behaviour for what it is. Sounds like your husband could do with reading it why you are on holiday. You could probably get it next day on Amazon.

I agree with @PurpleBugz , he was definitely lying.

I am also guessing that when you had the chat you were more firm, less willing to quickly placate him than you would have normally been. I say this because your post is absent of him responding with anger or strongly trying to put it back on you. Instead he went down the 'feel-sorry-for-me' route by saying he feels left out, I left work early for you etc. I suspect he picked up on something being different in you this time around when you had the chat.

He is just trying to get you back under his control. Do you believe his explanation?

You sound different in your last post.. like stronger. Not how you sounded in your OP or initial updates.

So sorry OP, what a horrible person he is.

Please use the holiday to make plans for escape from him ASAP on your return.

No matter what you do or don't do, he will always twist things so that it is your fault and he is the victim and you're this and that and blah blah, nothing will change. He's abusive and you deserve to feel like you do on holiday all the time.

I realised at some point, probably just before I left, the details of who said and did what were absolutely irrelevant, ex h would still find a way to be abusive and horrible. When I think of some of the things I did or didn't do to appease him (and it didn't bloody work anyway) it makes me very angry and very sad.

You deserve a peaceful life OP.

Your husband is talking out of his arse, coming up with stupid excuse just like the toddler he is. What did he say when you told him how you felt about the ‘fucking face’ comment?
I get the feeling that you are going to let this slide this time. If you are going to stay with this man, please recognise his abuse and challenge him every time he is abusive. Your children need to see this is not acceptable.

Yea, you are just another boiled frog who has been abused for years.

He's disgusting scum.

Tell family the truth and ask for help to leave.

Your husband is showing you the typical signs of narcissistic abuse. He is gaslighting and doing the ‘cycle of abuse’ ( another term to google!)
Basically it starts off with the abuser being unreasonable/ a complete shit. Then next they’ll spend a bit of time being ‘the victim’. Then there will be a little time when all seems normal. Then it’ll be back to the abuse again. It all goes round in a circle and it just leaves you feeling all confused.
So he’s called you a cunt in the past?
The reason you’ve stayed with him is that over the years- he’s chipped at your self esteem and confidence.
Good news is- you can get your confidence, self esteem and freedom back - by leaving him.
There’s plenty of support around- you won’t be on your own.

Yeah his 'excuse' isn't logical. It isn't real. He's made it up after the fact.

As you say, he had ample time to tell you he was leaving early and chose not to. So that isn't true. He saw an opportunity to guilt you / be the victim and really went for it.

He's controlling. He wanted to spoil your holiday. Don't let him. Don't pander to his stupid demands.

And don't fall for the 'I love you too much' nonsense. He doesn't act like someone who loves you lots.

Totallybthis.

Unfortunately, you can't change him. There's really no point in arguing the toss over who was wrong, who "left early" (yeah right), who would have liked to have met the parents (he clearly is just saying that to win the argument).

At the end of the day, you know the score. He has a controlling side that will remain. And that is what this is all about, whether he admits to it or not.

The question is how much are you willing to put up with? No one is perfect, the perfect partner doesn't exist. So a relationship is a compromise and you have to decide if you can compromise on this. Lots of women stay in similar relationships, lots leave.

Personally, I think I'd struggle to stay as I would resent my partner for not being completely honest with me and for not allowing me to be authentically me. But equally you have a shared life with shared children and everything that goes along with that, so it's not easy.

I would just ignore him for the holiday then have a think when you get home.