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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

247 replies

tomcat73 · 27/05/2023 20:11

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 27/05/2023 22:19

Wow , he really is a horrible man.
In our house in this situation, I wouldn’t have text, or arranged what DH would eat. I’d have just come home. There would have been no issue.
He is not your keeper! LTB.

AngelasAirpods · 27/05/2023 22:19

OP I can tell by what you’ve written that you’re treading on eggshells with him, trying to placate or appease or anticipate his mood. It’s no way to live.

please don’t let him spoil your holiday. I hope you get some space to think about what you want from life, it’s better to be single than in a shitty marriage. The way he spoke to you, there’s no coming back from that.

Cornishclio · 27/05/2023 22:21

Anyone who spoke to me the way he spoke to you would be an ex in as much time it took me to pack. I hope you enjoy your holiday and get some time to reflect on this relationship and what you get from it. He sounds controlling and manipulative.

Queenager · 27/05/2023 22:24

As AngelasAirpods just said- it’s better to be single than in a shitty marriage.
I’ve been there and believe me the freedom and peace of mind is priceless when you’ve got rid of controlling man child.
The main reason he was pissed off was that you were having a pleasant time without him.

AfraidToRun · 27/05/2023 22:25

I guarantee he left 5 mins early by coincidence and is now throwing it in your face because he can.

I too had a twat for a partner. I used to get "where the fuck have you been, i was fucking worried, blah blah blah". Left him, found a better man, never looked back.

1983Louise · 27/05/2023 22:25

Is he five, I really can't believe how people behave, tell him to grow up.

Pinkbonbon · 27/05/2023 22:27

TwilightBee · 27/05/2023 22:06

No of course not. But as nasty as that is I don’t see how it’s controlling and manipulative. Certainly unacceptable though.

Because now op cant do anything spontaneous without worrying he will go into a mood and throw a rage at her.

His behaviour is to cause that worry in op. To make her alter her behaviour.

Mischance · 27/05/2023 22:27

Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face"

Gawd 'a' mighty - why are you with this man. If my OH had ever spoken to me like that he would have been out on his ear pronto. Why are you married to a man who even thinks such a thing, let alone says it?

Have some self respect - leave this sorry situation. What is it that makes you think you deserve this, or that you should put up with it?

Sorry to be blunt, but there is a whole world of decent people out there and you do not need to be with this dreadful man.

Therealjudgejudy · 27/05/2023 22:27

What a manchild. Definitely trying to ruin your holiday excitement

Nobsandnockers · 27/05/2023 22:32

Pretty unanimous here OP. Your husband is an enormous dick. Do you think he was expecting sex and cross you didn’t prioritise him since you won’t see his face for 5 days?

I think him saying he didn’t want to see your fucking face would be a deal breaker for me. How fucking dare he speak like that to you. It’s like a punch in the face. I don’t know how you kept control- I can’t imagine how I would react if my husband said these words to me. Did you really register, amongst all the shit he puts you through, how awful those words are?

I was with a man like this for 2 years and I thank God everyday that I managed to get rid. There is absolutely no point spending time worrying about this sort of man, because they defy all sorts of logic and reasonable expectations. They speak like this and behave like this for no sensible reason. I found myself on high alert around him and knew it was a bad relationship- he was either the best fun in the world or an unimaginable arse.

Nothing he says or could say, excuses or justifies how you have been trained to behave around him. Does he act like this around or towards the kids.

Enjoy your holiday. I would have to send a text saying how appalling his behaviour has been and that you will not be answering text or communicating with him until you have had time to think it over.

PickAChew · 27/05/2023 22:35

That 5 days away from him needs to be a lifetime.

Sadmadsleepy · 27/05/2023 22:39

You lost me at ‘fucking face’.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

LTB.

Jellybean23 · 27/05/2023 22:41

You made a mistake - you married him. Don't make another by staying with him.

Porkandbeans1 · 27/05/2023 22:44

Enjoy your holiday but when you're back start making arrangements to leave. Play it smart, make sure he doesn't know and protect yourself and your DC financially. They don't change, it won't get better. Your DC will see his behaviour and think it's acceptable because you put up with it. If you wouldn't want your child to be in a similar relationship then don't accept it for yourself.

Tigofigo · 27/05/2023 22:48

Let me guess

You normally do everything domestic?

Pineappleelephant · 27/05/2023 22:49

My ex would do this just before I was going out for a rare evening just to piss me off. Another mood sucking teenager disguised as an adult.

pimplesquisher · 27/05/2023 22:50

If anyone spoke to me like that, it would be game over. I can't understand why people tolerate such abuse.

RancidChicken · 27/05/2023 22:51

Pallisers · 27/05/2023 20:50

Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face".

OP, I am in my 50s. No-one in my entire life has ever said something like this to me. And certainly not anyone who claimed to love me. I agree he is a twat, he is trying to spoil your holiday, he loves to control you - everything you and previous posters said. But this just really stuck out to me. It is such an abusive, nasty thing to say to someone.

This

Gilead · 27/05/2023 22:51

If I had something planned I could guarantee that ex Dh would be difficult before it happened. Guilt trip me, start a row or be a sulky child. In the end I stopped going out. He was arrested for coercive and controlling behaviour, among other things. Get away, it’s so lovely to be free of this.

pictoosh · 27/05/2023 23:00

Can only agree with everyone else. You were going to get a fight tonight whatever you did or said. I think you know that. He's a shit-spreading saboteur.

That he launched straight in with the "said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face"" approach says it all. What a nasty bastard. What a selfish, aggressive, inadequate fucking man.
I am so sorry.

Queenager · 27/05/2023 23:03

OP- you wrote 2 things …

  1. ‘ I know the next thing I get is him playing the wronged victim’.
  2. ‘ I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation again’.

Now you have the choice to do 2 things for your happiness.

  1. Leave him
  2. spend the rest of your life doing what the hell you like.

It may take a little while to build up your confidence to do this - but it’s possible- and you’ll have a ton of support.

grumpycow1 · 27/05/2023 23:04

This is not normal, you don’t have to live like this. What’s he like with the kids??

DrDavidStarKey · 27/05/2023 23:06

When you know just staying behind for half an hour will cause a drama that will last for hours, it's over. You can't spend your life trying to 'make nice' because he will just keep moving the goalposts.

This isn't love. It's control, coercion and manipulation. It should have been a non event and not even worth a mention beyond you politely letting him know you were going to be late.

He took that as a chink in your armour and ran with it, using it as a stick to beat you OP. This will never change - ever. It is who and what he is. I was with one of these for four years and then one day he over stepped and even I had had enough of twisting myself into various shapes to please him. Luckily I wasn't married to him. He became violent when he realised I saw through him and I left that night. The effort he went to to get me back was phenomenal but I knew he was just trying to restore his supply was all. Putting me down had become the only thing that made him happy.

tara66 · 27/05/2023 23:13

OP he does sound like a really horrid man. He is jealous of any thing you may do without him. Don't talk to him and don't contact him when you're away. Block him. What disgraceful behaviour.

CheekyHobson · 27/05/2023 23:15

These kind of men are head-wreckers. From a big-picture perspective, the core problem is the lack of integrity in what they say or do. They act in opposites but pretend their behaviour is consistent and comprehensible.

  • "I adore you" vs "I don't want to look at your fucking face"
  • "Just wanting to spend the night together" vs storming off and refusing to actually spend the night together
  • Acting like a holiday with your family, who are presumably decent people he has never had any major falling out with, is "his idea of hell"
  • Being upset over being home for an hour by himself but then leaving you home alone for an hour and a half
  • Being angry at you for having a relationship with DD's parents when he has not made any effort to establish one himself

There's always one rule for you and one rule for them. And the rules change constantly. You can never be right for being wrong. If you enjoy your holiday, you'll be rubbing it in his face. If you say it was miserable because he was upset at you, he'll say he was just getting on with things at home and you ruined your own holiday. Or he'll seem to be fine when you get back, and months down the line he'll blow up about how he was actually really upset but just putting on a brave face, and you couldn't even see that, you heartless cow.

You've probably become inured to it because you're so used to his drama, but honestly, "I don't want to look at your fucking face" is a horrifically contemptuous thing to say to your wife. Anyone who really loved you would never say that.

I can barely stand to be in the same room as my ex these days but I have never said anything so vile to him, even when I found out about his decade-long betrayal.